Flight information for freepers who hate President Obama

[jmowreader]

You know how all the freepers thought those of us who weren't in lockstep with Dear Leader George W. Bush should leave the country because it's unpatriotic to disagree with Our President in a time of war? (Neglecting the fact, of course, they impeached President Clinton while HE was running a war...where's the love, guys?)

Obviously dissent is unpatriotic, therefore any freeper who disagrees with President Obama is unpatriotic and needs to go to a country where no dissent is tolerated. One of these countries is the Democratic People's Republic of Korea; in this post I will describe how to travel there.

Your first step is to get yourself to an airport that offers service to Pyongyang, North Korea. There seem to be two: Beijing, China, and Vladivostok, Russia. Air China will fly you from New York City's John F. Kennedy International Airport to Beijing, one way, for $460. A number of airlines will fly you from Los Angeles International Airport to Beijing for around $600. (Add about $150 in taxes and fees to that.) If you'd feel safer eating Russian food at the airport than Chinese, you can get from JFK to Vladivostok for around $1500.

The next step is to get to Pyongyang. I can't find prices--apparently you are expected to book through tour operators--but Air Koryo flies from Beijing on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, and from Vladivostok on Thursdays. You will also find that Mandarin Airlines and Far Eastern Air Transport fly from Taipei to Pyongyang, and also Air China flies from Beijing. Air Koryo, the North Korean flag carrier, owns 38 airplanes, five of which actually run. Three of these airplanes are Ilyushin-76 freighters. The other two are Tupolev-204 airliners. (Let's be serious here: if you are running an airline on five airplanes, these ones are pretty good.) They purchased these planes so as to service European destinations. However, the airline has been banned from flying to any European Union country because parts tend to fall off their planes and their pilots fly like idiots, but that's okay, no one's actually flown an Air Koryo plane into the side of a mountain in clear weather since 1983...and no one's driven an Air Koryo plane off the runway since 2006. But we'll be charitable and say that in that one incident when someone really DID run the plane off the runway, he did it in Pyongyang and as we all know, you're not expected to know where the runway boundaries at the airport you live next to are.

Oh yeah, this airline is from North Korea where they aren't all that open about their aviation mishaps. They could be flying into the sides of mountains and running off runways right and left, but we can rest assured only the finest North Korean pilots are allowed to fly for Air Koryo because, after all, they don't have enough planes that work to let someone fuck one up.

Anyway...now you're in North Korea, where everyone just adores the president. And he totally hates Democrats. Once you land, just walk straight into Pyongyang City Hall and tell them you hate America so bad, you want to live in a country more attuned to your values. They will hook you up.

You'll notice I didn't give you any instructions on how to get back. Why would you want to? You'll love it there--they hate Obama just as bad as you do!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. And for those who hate government, there's always Somalia.

[Turbineguy]

2. Acute basement shortage in North Korea!

Due to the recent influx of Freepers the Government of North Korea announced that steps will be taken to alleviate the acute basement shortage by converting nuclear reactors to apartments for newly arrived American expats.

[jmowreader]

4. Actually, everyone in North Korea has a basement

Koreans use ondol heating systems to keep their homes warm in winter. This is a truly marvelous technology. I'm not being facetious here--ondol's fuckin' great, man. It works by routing the stovepipe round and round under your floor. This does two things for you: it lets the home recover heat from the stovepipe instead of just letting it go up the chimney, and it makes the floor really warm. Koreans traditionally sleep on the floor, and why not? So long as you put down padding, it's the most comfortable place in the house.

The problem with ondol is the fuel is charcoal, which throws off vast amounts of carbon monoxide. If you've got a leak in the stovepipe everyone dies, so they like to have access to the underfloor system to make inspecting and repairing the heating system easy. That's where the freepers will live--while not technically a basement, it's close enough. And as a special added bonus, with each freeper the government will throw in a free window. You put it in the floor and check it every evening to be sure he's still alive down there. If your freeper dies, the DPRK health ministry recommends opening all the windows and sleeping at Uncle Sun's house tonight.

[Sancho]

3. Maybe ActBlue can start a "send a freeper away" fund!

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