Definition of a Natural-Born Citizen

[Believing Is Art]

As I understand it, the Donofrio argument before the SCOTUS today is that despite being born on American soil, Obama is actually a UK citizen since his father was Kenyan and subject to UK jurisdiction.

Even if we concede that the Fourteenth Amendment makes it clear that Obama is a citizen, it does not say that he is "natural-born" citizen. The Constitution is actually quite vague on what defines a "natura-born" citizen. I would like to submit the following for consideration.

A natural-born citizen is a person who meets the following criteria:
1. Was born on US soil
2. Was born to US citizens
3. Was conceived in the missionary position on US soil
4. Subject's parents possessed a valid marriage certificate at the time of conception
5. Has not resided outside the US for a duration exceeding one month, excepting in the service of the military

If any of the above criteria are not met, a person may attain natural-born citizenship status if he/she meets the following:
1. Believes that marriage is between a man and a woman
2. Has attained an arsenal of at least 50 firearms, 10% of which must be automatic or semi-automatic
3. Does not support Roe v. Wade
4. Is a deacon at his/her church

I think this should clear up any future question of a candidate's eligibility.