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My son broke my heart today.

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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:34 AM
Original message
My son broke my heart today.
I'll concede that I'm not in the best frame of mind since I've been out of work for 7+ months, but THIS really hurt, even though I know he did not do this intentionally.

I'll be going to read to my son's class tomorrow morning. I'll be reading my favorite children's book, "Mufarro's Beautiful Daughters", which is also the next book the class will be studying.

I was stunned to hear my 8 year old son ask me this morning not to come in and read to his class. He is afraid that his classmates will tease him because of my weight. Both my wife and I have fought a life-long battle of the bulge. I asked him if he was ashamed of me and he said yes. I felt as though he'd just punched me in the stomach with lead knuckles.

I know that he loves my wife and I. I know that he is not a child who INTENTIONALLY hurts anyone's feelings, but I still felt hurt, insulted and frankly, angry. I know that as he gets older, this is going to happen more & more, but I was hoping it wouldn't start quite yet.

Has any other DU parent had a similar experience?

PEACE!
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AspenRose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:36 AM
Response to Original message
1. I am so sorry to hear that.
:hug:

Children will do that sometimes (break our hearts). I am so sorry.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:37 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. Thanks,...
...he's still a great kid.
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:37 AM
Response to Original message
2. Ouch- I can't imagine how that must hurt
I wish I had words of advice but I don't have anything beyond trying to tell him how badly it hurt you.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:38 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. We talked.
Both of my parents' reaction would have been to hurt back. I SCRUPULOUSLY avoid doing anything like that.
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amitten Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:45 AM
Response to Reply #5
19. He is reacting to what he knows to be public prejudice against
heavier people.

He is not ashamed of you. He is just scared that others will be stupid enough to make fun of you.
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Norrin Radd Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:38 AM
Response to Original message
4. Tell him "tough!" It's time for him to learn about humility, and familial loyalty.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:39 AM
Response to Reply #4
6. Those are both issues...
...that were covered. He didn't enjoy my or my wife's reaction.
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bigtree Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:40 AM
Response to Reply #4
7. right
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ET Awful Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:40 AM
Response to Original message
8. Not being a parent, I can't say I've had a similar experience. . .
I don't even know what to say . . .

:hug:
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no_hypocrisy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:40 AM
Response to Original message
9. I'm sorry that how your son feels. But that's his opinion today.
It can only improve hereafter. You have a great opportunity to teach him the virtues of diversity and how being different in your own way makes you special and worthy of respect. And not to be focused on the superficial appearance of people but how you feel when you're with them.

Tomorrow will be better and always teach your son what is essential is invisible to the eye (from The Little Prince).



:hug:
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:27 PM
Response to Reply #9
44. Yes,...
...he is a wonderful boy.
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no_hypocrisy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:37 PM
Response to Reply #44
53. And the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.
You will continue to be proud of your son.
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Horse with no Name Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:41 AM
Response to Original message
10. Honor his wishes.
Unfortunately, this will become one of his biggest regrets as he gets older.
My guess is this was NOT his decision---but perhaps one of his classmates said something and he is trying to protect YOU from them.
I'm sorry. :hug:
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TexasObserver Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:38 AM
Response to Reply #10
140. Sorry, but that is the worst thing to do.
Reinforce the prejudices?

What if his father was gay? Or black? Or was a dwarf? Or was in a wheelchair?

The child is father of the man, and this child will be a sorry adult if he's not stopped from allowing hideous prejudices of other children to rule his life. Time to teach the kid some things are worth suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
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Horse with no Name Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 02:40 PM
Response to Reply #140
146. We're talking about peer pressure vs. parental pressure
As I said...the child will eventually realize what a terrible choice he made.
But even still...the choice should be his.

Actually the lesson here is not about reinforcing prejudices. The lesson is about a child growing up and trying to fit in with his peers and HIM buckling to the pressures. I work with children. I know how they are. The man's child is most likely NOT the one who is driving this. His "friend" most likely called his Dad fat and the child is trying to spare the parent from being ridiculed.
Only age will fix this. Unfortunately the child will probably end up with regrets over the entire issue, but hopefully in the end it will be one of life's lessons that makes him MORE empathetic.

Just curious if you have ever seen "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"?
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:42 AM
Response to Original message
11. I know the feeling.
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 11:49 AM by wtmusic
My son made an offhand comment implying he thought what I do for a living (web designer) wasn't prestigious. It isn't really, but you want to believe your kids always think you're #1.

My son was 8 when he said it. He is now 13 and I disagree that it will happen more. IMO your son will learn that your taking time out to get involved is pretty cool, compared to a lot of parents who don't do jack.
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Crazy Dave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:42 AM
Response to Original message
12. Dude
That's got to hurt but like you said it's not intentional and he's probably doing it to protect himself. The kids might go pretty hard on him. I can relate in a way. When I was a little kid I used to tease the overweight kids in order to take the attention off myself. I was always the skinniest and smallest kid in the class and was picked on frequently. I've wrote about it here on DU, one of the few things in my past life that I'm ashamed of and wish I could take back.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:29 PM
Response to Reply #12
46. When I was a kid in Catholic School in the 60s...
...I was picked on because my parents were divorced.

The nuns allowed it to happen because Irish Catholics weren't supposed to get divorced.

Fortunately, Catholic Schools have changed.
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SmokingJacket Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:42 AM
Response to Original message
13. Hm... I wouldn't be too hurt.
One of my sons is self-conscious about EVERYTHING about me. I'm not overweight. I'm pretty unremarkable in every way. But he told me not to present anything to his class because he's afraid "people would make fun of you."

He's probably just trying to protect you. My guess is if it wasn't your weight, it would be something else... kids are mean about other kids' parents. Probably a good dose of jealousy there: the mean, neglected kids envy the kids with involved, friendly parents.
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mediaman007 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:43 AM
Response to Original message
14. I think that your son might be a victim of advertising.
He has a great need of approval from his friends. He has learned to judge people by their packaging, not their contents. I think that I was this way when I was in school. Only much later, after high school, did I learn that beauty is inside.

Just thinkin''
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Name removed Donating Member (0 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:43 AM
Response to Original message
15. Deleted sub-thread
Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.
 
Xenotime Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:43 AM
Response to Original message
16. I guess you have to respect his wishes..
so as not to cause further suffering and anguish. The last thing you want to do is drive a wedge in your relationship.
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:05 PM
Response to Reply #16
31. I would disagree.
Respecting his wishes would be acknowledging his weight is something to be ashamed of.

Everyone has issues, some are more or less under our control. Being overweight doesn't make you a bad person and taking time out to read to your son's class does indeed make you a good person.

His son's perception is probably the result of a comment or two, and we are subjected to people saying similar things about us all our lives. We don't need to make them our masters.
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jjanpundt Donating Member (284 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:43 AM
Response to Original message
17. I don't have children, but my nieces and nephew (their parents
are heavy) were taught from a very early age that people come in all shapes and sizes. They were corrected the instant they made a comment on someone's weight, manner of dress, etc. We spent a lot of time with them and the hardest thing to overcome was their antipathy to gays. (Their parents are extremely tolerant, so we suspected the attitude was coming from their classmates.) After a lot of discussions, I'm glad to say that they are now very open minded, thoughtful young adults and teenager.

I can't imagine how much this hurt your feelings and I think you need to tell your child how damaging his remarks are. He needs to be aware that not everyone is going to look like movie stars/models etc. Also tell him how hard you've tried to loose weight etc. Somehow you need to instill tolerance and the ability to look beneath appearances. He may be 8 years old, but it isn't too young to get this message across.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:42 PM
Response to Reply #17
60. Acceptance and diversity are themes of our family.
They pretty much have to be.

We have 3 people in the family and 3 ethnicities. I'm white, my wife is Puerto Rican and my son is African American.
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jjanpundt Donating Member (284 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:19 PM
Response to Reply #60
99. Great mix! One of the phrases my sister used for her kids was
"some people are built for comfort; some for speed" I always thought it was a simple/cute way of explaining appearances to her little kids. As they got older, it became a catch phrase for them.

I hope your son can explain why he said what he did. Was he trying to protect you from his classmates comments/attitudes? If so, that's sort of commendable. Or was he trying to protect himself from classmates remarks? Not so commendable, but understandable. Are all of the parents of the other children slim/athletic, etc.? Are all his classmates slim/athletic/beautiful etc? Have you asked whether he's considerate of other children's parents?

Sorry to go rambling on here, but it's so heartbreaking. Hope it works out ok.

:hi:
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stopbush Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:45 AM
Response to Original message
18. My now 11-yo daughter got on me about my weight a year ago.
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 11:53 AM by stopbush
I went back on Atkins and started walking and dropped 46 lbs over a 4-month period. I was also unemployed at the time, and having my daughter on my case felt - at the time - like another blow against my feelings of self worth. But it did inspire me to action, and after losing the weight I did find a good job. I'm not saying there's a direct correlation, but it did get me going in a different, healthier direction.

I'm sure you realize that kids today hear a lot in their PE and health classes about the problems associated with being overweight. It's only natural that they eventually realize that their parents are people as well, and that statistics apply to their parents just as truly as they apply to the unnamed masses.

I can sympathize with you and your wife battling the bulge. I've been up and down most of my adult life. Your child's message may be difficult to process, but at it's core, he has your best interest at heart. You know this.

You can deal with the hurt in a variety of ways. Mine was to do something about it. When I lost the weight, it became a victory for me and my daughter. In fact, it probably meant more to my daughter - an adult took her seriously and did something about it.

What could be better?
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:45 PM
Response to Reply #18
63. Yes, it makes me more serious about something I know I have to do.
He also knows that it was his (at that time 7 year old) influence that was a contributor to our move from Hillary to Obama in the primary season.
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:45 AM
Response to Original message
20. I used to be 100 lbs heavier until I quit Diet Drinks and the mass-produced US diet
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 11:46 AM by El Pinko
My kids were smaller then, so I lost the weight before they could say anything, but they attended a very nice and progressive school in San Francisco, and all the parents there were very bright and attractive, so it did make me feel rather self-conscious.

Quitting all "diet" drinks and foods and tracking what I eat on fitday.com and no longer using prepackaged foots (IE we make all of our own food from INGREDIENTS now) in sensible portions made a huge difference for me.

I'm sorry if you were hurt, but I hope you can use that feeling as a motivator to improve your health because being overweight is deadly, not to mention that it carries with it a host of discomforts.

I personally had ankle pain, GERD, constant belching and gas, and got odd skin conditions, ALL of which have cleared up since.


Anyway, I hope this comes off in the spirit intended and not as preachy, because I really do wish you the best because I have been there.

:pals:
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:59 AM
Response to Reply #20
30. I know you mean well
But perhaps at this moment, its not a good time to say something like that.
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stopbush Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:08 PM
Response to Reply #30
33. Are you looking for input or pity?
Question: when WOULD it be a good time to "say something like that?"
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:21 PM
Response to Reply #33
42. ~ I ~ am not looking for anything.
A better time would be a conversation about dieting.

Not a conversation about parenting and hurt feelings.

If you can't understand why the comments would just add insult to injury then I don't really have anything left to say to you.
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stopbush Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:32 PM
Original message
While your son MAY have added an insult,
he certainly is not the one responsible for the pre-existing injury.
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:38 PM
Response to Original message
54. I am not the OP- niether of my sons has anything to do with this thread.........
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:34 PM
Response to Reply #42
51. The question was about hving such feelings in relation to one's kids.
I think my answer was appropriate, since on e of the motivators for my getting healthy was not wanting to embarrass my kids.
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:38 PM
Response to Reply #51
55. I was simply pointing out the timing probably added to his hurting ~right now~
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:44 PM
Response to Reply #55
62. Maybe. If so, I'm sorry.
Sometimes hurt feelings do lead to positive actions, though.
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Marrah_G Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:47 PM
Response to Reply #62
65. Sometimes.
Really depends on the person.

:hug:

It's such a difficult subject to talk about.
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Missy Vixen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:04 PM
Original message
Really?
>Sometimes hurt feelings do lead to positive actions, though.

Well, if "hurt feelings lead to positive actions", you're a thoughtless, insensitive clod, aren't you?

Your concern has been noted.
Julie
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 06:14 AM
Response to Original message
132. That really makes absolutely no sense.
I may be a thoughtless insensitive clod, but that has nothing to do with whether or not hurt feelings can motivate people into positive life changes.

We are not all a bunch of infants here, and much worse things than hurt feelings happen to millions around the world.

The OP has already pretty much said that my comments didn't hurt his feelings and it is my sincere hope that it will motivate him to make positive changes in his life (in whatever way best suits HIM).

So what are you even griping about?
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Fire_Medic_Dave Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:42 PM
Response to Reply #55
125. I don't think if he was worried about his pain he would have posted this.
Based on the recent past here there isn't a lot of love going around.

David
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Scout Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:24 PM
Response to Reply #33
86. probably NEVER
perhaps this OP already knows all that "helpful" info? just because one is overweight does not mean one is stupid, nor does it mean one is un-informed about nutrition.

:eyes:
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:32 PM
Response to Reply #30
50. You may be right and you may be wrong.
Some people never deal with their obesity and simply continue to eat until they are in an early grave.

Sadly, many also get stuck in yo-yo diet cycles which are just as bad as or worse than being steadily heavy.

Other people finally hit a bottom or have an epiphany and make a permanent change in the way they live and deal with food.


In my case, my wife nagged at me for several years about my weight, and the more she nagged, the more I resented it and ate more almost to spite her.

So yes, it may not be the right time for what I'm saying - only the OP can know that.

But I finally did hit bottom, even though upsizing all my clothes and having all of those discomforts didn't convince me, nor did the nagging.

I finally saw a video of myself pushing my son on his bike with training wheels, shot from behind, and I did not recognize the person I saw.

I was enormous, and I just decided that I did not want to hit the age of 40 with a bunch of extra weight and feeling like crap and end up living out the rest of my years being ill and riding on some little cart because of being so heavy.

I also was planning a move and a job transition and I knew that I would have a much better shot in interviews if I was at a healthy weight than if I was heavy.

BTW, I got the job and my pay is about 60% higher than it was before, so it has paid off in more ways than one.

But I hate that I sound like some infomercial person now so I will shut up.
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King Coal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:06 PM
Response to Reply #50
80. "You may be right and you may be wrong."
Now that's covering the bases! :rofl:
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:55 PM
Response to Reply #20
71. I take your thread as it was intended.
Thanks.
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:03 PM
Response to Reply #71
77. Thanks, and more power to you, no matter what the scale says.
I know that criticism that would just roll off my back if it came from someone else can really smart coming from you own child.

But kids are supposed to be selfish, and they do not self-censor.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you like crazy.

:pals:
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Zuiderelle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:45 AM
Response to Original message
21. Oh no! I'm so sorry.
I am praying that the day never comes when our son is embarrassed by having two moms. We're lucky to live in a progressive community and he goes to a progressive and accepting school, but other kids can be cruel, and he's bound to be teased about it eventually. There's nothing we can do but love him and support him. If I were you, I would go to the school anyway. Otherwise, the shame could become more solidified and confirmed. You're the parent. You love him. In the scheme of things, he's one of the luckiest kids in his school because of your love and concern. You love him so much that you asked him the question you did. Now you need to explain that you understand but that you are not going to stop being his parent because of his shame.

Go do what you planned to do, that's my advice.
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my3boyz Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:46 AM
Response to Original message
22. I'm so sorry! :(
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 11:49 AM by my3boyz
I haven't had this experience. You know that he does love you. Kids nowadays are relentless and sometimes downright cruel. :( They tease other kids non-stop. My son used to go out of his way so that the kids would stop teasing him (changed his hair, the way he wore his clothes,etc). I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings. He just probably knows how they are. Perhaps he is also worried that the kids might be disrespectful while you are there too. You never know. Anyway, I know that does not make it better. You are right about when they get older. My husband just returned from deployment and asked my son (9th grader) if he wanted him to drive him to school. My son looked HORRIFIED and was like NO! Then he looked at him the same way when my husband started to walk with him to the bus stop. I think it hurt his feelings. I told my husband not to take it personally. I would say the same for you. You know your son loves you and you love him. That is all that counts! :)
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peace13 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:47 AM
Response to Original message
23. The problem is the teasing.
Children can be very cruel and your son has learned this. Don't be hurt. He is really trying to protect himself. Be sure and spend extra time with your son so that he understands what a great dad he has. When my son was four he told me that I was not as pretty as some of the other mother's at preschool. I chuckled and asked him, 'DO you want pretty or nice?' I wasn't about to let him know that some moms are both. Kids don't mean to hurt us. They are just busy in their own little kid worlds. Peace and love, Kim
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Beacool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:51 AM
Response to Original message
24. Geez, and I thought that you were going to say that your son was voting for McCain
and that's why he broke your heart. LOL!!

I'm so sorry, this is something far more painful. Don't take it to heart, children sometimes say the most unintentionally cruel things. Have a good talk with him and make him understand that people come in all sizes and that all people are worthy, regardless of their physical appearance.

I'm sure that once he realizes how much his insensitive comments hurt you that he will apologize.

Hugs and good wishes!!!

:grouphug:
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:52 PM
Response to Reply #24
67. If my son were of voting age and voted...
,,,for McSame/Palin(comparison), I'd still love him.

I'd MISS him, but I'd still love him!
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Beacool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:15 PM
Response to Reply #67
83. Oh, it wouldn't be THAT bad.
We survived Bush, we could survive the old man and the winking chick.

:hi:
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ColoradoMagician Donating Member (228 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:51 AM
Response to Original message
25. Sounds like a good time to talk to him
Since none of us are perfect you could explain some non confrontational responses if any of the other kids say anything about your weight to him. Something like, "Well, none of us is perfect." and walk away.

You could also talk to him about how hard it is to lose unwanted weight once it is gained. He could start to look at his own habits/health.

If your weight is primarily caused by diet and physical activity, you could talk to him about him starting to think about exercise and eating habits for his own health.

If your weight is primarily medical, it could be explained that we shouldn't judge other people because of their medical conditions.

Mostly it is a opportunity to talk to him about how nobody is perfect and he can either concentrate on the good things about people or the bad. It is his choice and if he chooses to look at the good in people, many more opportunities will be open to him in his life.

And OP, go read that book with peace and passion in your heart and you will be a hit with those kids.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:54 PM
Response to Reply #25
69. Thanks.
It is a great book, an African Cinderella.
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LittleApple81 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:51 AM
Response to Original message
26. I am so sorry for you. Keep your spirits up. He loves you, but kids' peers are brutal.
I had a friend to whom something similarly direct happened and that in retrospect sounds funny.

She met somebody whom she had not seen in 10 years. This person said "Boy, the years do not pass for you. You look the same as the last time I saw you." My friend's 9 year-old son piped in "do you mean to tell me you looked this bad ten years ago?"
Kids keep you humble.
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progressivebydesign Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:55 AM
Response to Original message
27. I'm sorry this happened :( May I offer some suggestions?
Other kids can be so cruel, so I don't doubt he was responding to some comments either directly or indirectly from his classmates. As a parent, I think we've all had that sting of being made to feel as though we're an embarrassment at some point.

While I cannot fix what happened today.. perhaps you can do something that will help in the future. I don't know your, or your wife's, physical condition. But.. have you considered talking to your son and saying something like this, "we really thought a lot about what you said. I was hurt by it, but I do understand that in school kids can be cruel to anyone that's different. Your choice wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it made us look at ourselves and realize that regardless of how we look, more important is our health. You know things have been tough, and it's easy to neglect taking care of ourselves, but being healthy doesn't cost anything. We want to be there for you if it means reading at your school or shooting basketballs, or taking a bike ride. So.. can you help us work on our health so that we can enjoy things as a family? I thought that maybe we'll start taking walks after dinner every night.. or maybe we'll toss around a football or play frisbee on the weekends. It's not that important to us how your friends see us, but we care about being there for you, and part of that is being healthy so we can enjoy our time together. So, do you want to start tonight after dinner?"

That is a super-charged teaching-moment for you. If you approached it that way, you'd acknowledge that kids at school were probably being cruel (either directly or indirectly), you move past it and not make him feel the guilt over telling you (so he doesn't learn to believe he has to hide his feelings from you), it bring him IN to the situation and you're asking him to help out with it. Kids LOVE to help out and be part of something.. and perhaps, you may not have noticed, but he may be wishing for more outdoor family time with you.

Hope that helps. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Both of my stepdaughters have had weight troubles, and I still remained shocked by the cruelty of other kids about it.
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FirstLight Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:56 AM
Response to Original message
28. My little ones have said stuff from time to time...
I am a curvy mamma and after 3 kids I am not as svelte as I used to be. My daughter at 5 said "why are you so fat" and I almost cried.
Now I just tell them "god makes mommas squishy to the kids have someone soft to lay on"
They are 5 & 6 and they even joke from time to time...."mommy can't sit there, her butt won't fit!"
I try to laugh at it or tell them when they have crossed the boundary to saying something "mean"

Hope you can let it go or maybe it can help you find an excuse to go out for an after dinner family funtime...walking is free, and it helps depression tremendously. It is my favorite thing to do with my kids when I have the evening, cuz I can get in a science lesson while we do it...we look at the changing leaves or the buds before sping, etc. It hasn't changed my wieght as much as my perspective.
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Tangerine LaBamba Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 11:57 AM
Response to Original message
29. I think it's great
that he was able to tell you his truth. Regardless of the motivation for it, he was open and honest with you, even at the expense of hurting you.

But, this isn't about you. It's about your little boy.

Imagine the anguish he experienced before he was able to tell you what he did. Imagine how upset he was to have gone that far, knowing - an eight-year-old knows - that it would upset you. No one knows what other pressures he's under right now at school, among his peers, but we all know how thoughtlessly cruel kids can be.

And, in the meantime, for your own good, start working on that weight. Being overweight while you're also out of work can only make you feel worse, and you sure as hell don't need that. Maybe you can start going for walks, taking your boy with you. That' my idea of a nice thing to do with a kid.

The bottom line is that they always break our hearts. They have to. That's how they start becoming their own people. It sounds to me like you've got a strong son there, and for that, you and your wife should take a bow.

It'll be all right. It will.
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renate Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:23 PM
Response to Reply #29
111. you said many wise things, IMHO
You're right... it must have been hard for that kid to say what he did (unfortunately, children don't have the social abilities to phrase things in kind ways sometimes!).

What you said about how great it was that he could be honest is very true... it says a lot about the OP and his relationship with his son, I think, that the kid wasn't afraid to express his feelings.
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Turbineguy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:07 PM
Response to Original message
32. Kids can be funny that way.
For a while my Son was led to believe there was something seriously wrong with our family because my wife did not "work", whereas most Mothers of his classmates did. I did not tell him that I simply made more money than the Fathers of his classmates so his Mother did not need to work, but told him that Mom had a job and that was to take care of him and his sister.

As for being "ashamed of" you, perhaps it was a yes or no question that he could not answer "no" to. He's 8 years old.

Elementary school kids can be amazingly cruel. Your Son recognizes that. I would honor his wishes. Perhaps he is wrong and just projecting what could happen. Maybe you were early in the line of parents coming to the class and he would feel more comfortable after he sees other kids' parents.
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guitar man Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:10 PM
Response to Original message
34. that's so sad :(
:hug:

I know it has to do with how cruel kids can be and he's worried about how much flack he's going to get from the other kids. I took a lot of crap for a laundry list of things when I was a kid and some days I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die rather than have to face them. :(

My little girl is 2, about to be 3 in January and it's such a wonderful time right now because she doesn't see things that way yet, her innocence hasn't been spoiled by prejudice yet, but I worry. My wife is a large woman and I'm afraid we will run into the same situation in the not too distant future. :(

But, knowing my wife like I do, I can predict her answer in that scenario. She'll probably say "Yeah, but I make this look good!" (and she does) :P

keep your chin up. :hug:
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racaulk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:10 PM
Response to Original message
35. I really don't have any words of wisdom.
I just wanted to express my sympathies that his happened to you. Please remember that children don't always understand the weight of their words and are sometimes mean when they don't intend to be. Peer pressure at his age can be terrible, and he's just trying to find his way of dealing with that.

Please don't take his words too personally. :pals:
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Vinca Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:11 PM
Response to Original message
36. I'm sorry. As a person who has struggled with weight from day one,
I understand how hurtful the comment was. But, you have to remember the boy is only 8 years old. That's why I have forgiven myself for yelling at my mother that I wished she was dead. She died 50 years ago, when I was 8, but that one nasty thing I said as a kid will haunt me forever. Kids say and do dumb things.
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AlCzervik Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:12 PM
Response to Original message
37. i'm sorry and i know it hurts but your son was honest with you and that's because of you
he knows he can speak openly and that MJ is worth something.

I totally feel for you though, i know it's difficult.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:57 PM
Response to Reply #37
72. Speaking freely, but respectfully,...
...is a basic right in our home.

PEACE!
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applegrove Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:12 PM
Response to Original message
38. That is a tough one. I am a little overweight and unemployed. I find
that going for a long walk daily helps a great deal.
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Captain Sensible Donating Member (200 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:13 PM
Response to Original message
39. what if you were an alcoholic?
would he have broken your heart then?
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:34 PM
Response to Reply #39
52. You don't think there are alcoholics that have kids who are ashamed of them and feel hurt about it?
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:59 PM
Response to Reply #39
73. Actually, I AM an Alcoholic.
19 years of sobriety. My wife and I have never seen me drink as I had 7+ years of sobriety when we met.
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #39
74. You bet
assuming he hadn't come into the class wasted.

Where should we draw the line...30 lbs? 50 lbs overweight, where a parent shouldn't come in to help his kid's class out?

You just don't get it, do you?
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El Pinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #39
75. How smug and nasty you are.
I shared my experience of a profound life change and weight loss in this thread, and I do hope everyone will do their best to become healthier, but what you are doing is just nasty.

Changing the whole way I lived and related to food was not easy, and as a matter of fact, continues to be something I have to work at every day of my life until I die.

It's not as easy as "just lose weight" or "just eat a salad."

There are so many people pushing crazy, unhealthy diets and extreme exercise that it is very easy for people to end up in a yo-yo cycle that is just as unhealthy as being heavy.

People dealing with obesity do not need to be humiliated or belittled. People like you just make it worse.
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Sabriel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:14 PM
Response to Original message
40. The irony of that comment paired with that book is amazing
The whole point of the story is that one of the "beautiful" daughters...isn't, at least on the inside. Judge beauty by its actions, not its outward appearance.

As a parent, I don't know what to say. Part of me wants you to affirm your son's request, and the other part says it's a teachable moment for you to go ahead and read to them. And you could possibly bring up the issue of public perception of body type & appearance in relation to the daughters in the story, using some of your own experiences.

Good luck, in any case!
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:26 PM
Response to Reply #40
43. My plan is...
...to use it as a teaching moment.

The amazing thing is that one of the differences between the 2 daughters is their acceptance of others, and I'll make it a teaching point that the one daughter's troubles are greatly contributed to by her areatment of others.

BTW, a few years ago, I had a student in my 8th grade homeroom named Sabriel. She was not only a wonderful student, but one of the best PEOPLE I've ever known.

PEACE!
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NikolaC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:28 PM
Response to Reply #43
100. Good Idea
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 02:31 PM by NikolaC
Go for it. I suggest going anyway and letting your son know that while you appreciate his concern and you know that he loves you, you made a commitment and will stand by that commitment. I think that it would be a good thing for your son to see his parent showing strength and responsibility by facing his classmates in spite of what may be said. Also, I have a seven year old son and kids that age tend to mean well, but things sometimes come out all wrong.

Too many in our society cannot see past weight to the person inside and are teaching their kids to do the same. My husband and I are in a similar situation, we have struggled with our weight most of our lives. My in-laws are people who have basically acted like they are ashamed to be seen with us whenever we go out, or are at family functions, mainly because of our weight. It is hurtful to be treated that way and, when we tried to talk to them about it, their response was less than compassionate. Too many are wrapped up in the superficial in this world. We are trying to lose weight though, we recently bought an in home gym and are going to hire our next door neighbor as our personal trainer. Those changes are for our health and ourselves, not because of the way that we have been treated. We have taught our son to look past the outside and get to know the person.

At any rate, hold your head up high when you go into his school and tell that story to his class they best way that you know how. I guarantee that this will blow over and everything will be fine and work out in the end. Good luck! :hug:
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Horse with no Name Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:14 PM
Response to Original message
41. I could stand to lose a few pounds
Seriously.
We were watching TV last night and there was the weight loss commercial with the man and woman in stick figures where the man loses more weight than the woman (can't recall the product)...anyway, was watching it with my granddaughter and she said "that's what you and papa need".
I almost fell off the couch because I thought it was funny. However, I did tell her that statements like that could hurt feelings and she shouldn't say things about how big or small or short or tall people are. She started crying and asked if it "hurted" my feelings.
I told her not at all--I don't care what people think but some people do which is what she needs to worry about.
There were two lessons--#1 not to say mean things and #2 if someone does, don't let it bother you.
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pitohui Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:28 PM
Response to Original message
45. considering i remember a kid saying this about my tiny 110 pound mom it ain't about you
kids are just cruel and shitty and even if you WEREN'T fat they'd make fun of you (and ALL) adults for some bullshit reason

actually the kid who attacked my mother was even nastier than that, as he asked when the baby was due (there was obviously no baby coming or reason to think so, he was probably repeating some catty bullshit from his own jealous mother)

kids suck there's no doubt about it

for that matter adults suck too

it's a visual society and everyone knows that if you attack someone's looks, you have a winner

nothing personal to do with you at all in my humble opinion, considering the realities of today's america, i'm sure that MOST of the parents are fighting their own battle of the bulge, it's a natural consequence of people having kids when they're older, you're gonna end up w. heavier parents
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Dorian Gray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:03 AM
Response to Reply #45
134. Biggest
non-sequitur ever.


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rufus dog Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:31 PM
Response to Original message
47. Kids at that age become extremely self focused
They have a very hard time comprehending how their words impact others. The kid is probably really nervous because his classmates have commented on other parents. I'm sure it will be hard but just try to be yourself and things will go fine. At about 10 they have a better understanding of the meaning of words, it will get better not worse.

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sakura Donating Member (660 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:18 PM
Response to Reply #47
84. Funny that you should say that.
At my third grader's back to school night, the teacher's first words to the parents were along those very lines. Ages 8 and 9 are where kids become much closer to their peer group and take a very large step away from their parents. She even warned us that we would probably be suffering some hurt feelings, but that our kids would come back to us when they reached age 26 or so. :-)
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a la izquierda Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:42 PM
Response to Reply #84
93. ain't that the truth.
I'm 31 and I miss my mom like crazy :) She'd bawl her eyes out if she heard me say that.
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kiranon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:32 PM
Response to Original message
48. Perhaps it's time for him to meet some special needs kids.
Suggest that he volunteer for Special Olympics events and find out that different can mean very special and wonderful. Would it be that we could all be perfect but we are not. Anyone can be in an accident or have an illness that causes us to be different. My daughter has a disfiguring genetic condition and we have taught her about inner beauty. She is beautiful now but the condition will hit when she is older. Children need to know that beauty is within and the outside does not matter. PS I also weigh a lot more than I should and sympathize with your sadness over the comments. This culture is very hard on even normal weight people.
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:32 PM
Response to Original message
49. Tell your son that you made a commitment to do it, and that whether he likes it or not you must...
fulfill your commitments.

Then good luck on teaching him some family loyalty.
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marlakay Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:39 PM
Response to Original message
56. Weight is a hard thing
I am about 20 lbs over and i go up and down with it like most americans. Reading the comments some have turned into a fight over it. All I know is its a very very hard subject. My husbands oldest daughter is very overweight by hundreds of pounds and we tried to help her but i know its hard for her. She began her problem after having kids so it wasn't something from her youth.

When her own kids were small they were thin but then she started feeding them like herself and now all of my husbands grandkids are very overweight. We feel bad but can't say much. His granddaughter told us years ago when she was just a few pounds over weight she was worried about her mom dying, that someone had told her her mom would die young from being overweight.

We aren't perfect ourselves and its a struggle so what can you say. Its one of those we know the right thing to do is eat healthy but we also know stress and emotional eating is a battle.

My advice is to have a long talk with your child and find out what his fears are about your weight. He might be worried about your health as well as your feelings.

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indie_voter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:41 PM
Response to Original message
57. Hugs!! I'm so sorry. My son is 8
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 12:46 PM by indie_voter
I've been amazed at the changes this year. The opinions of his peer group are suddenly more important than mine. He disagrees with my world view sometimes. It's the beginning for him, as he grows away from me. (though at least he voted for Obama in the Nick poll!!)

I agree with the others who've said he is reacting to fears that do with peer reactions to him, not you. And at this age, they're too young to couch it in tact. I would guess a teenager would find a way to say 'no' without letting the true reasons surface. Or at least understand how deeply they're about to hurt their parent. I don't know if an 8 year old gets this yet..

However, it sounds to me you were able to use this as a teaching moment and opened his eyes that his parents have feelings too.

I'm sorry you had to get hurt in this.

:hug:
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sakura Donating Member (660 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:42 PM
Response to Original message
58. I'm in the same boat, almost...
My son is almost nine, about your son's age, and I know it troubles him at times that I am overweight. But we've talked about it and it makes him even happier that I volunteer at his school. His situation may be different from your son's. He is surrounded by math and science types, so the dorkiness amoung students and parents is a bit higher than normal. Maybe that makes a difference-- a lot of his peers felt weird and excluded before finding this school. I do know that he's heard ugly comments about me from some of his classmates, though. The girls in his class can be pretty vicious.

Although it hasn't happened yet, I do expect that at some point, my son will find my weight to be so embarrassing that he'll want me to stay away from school. What I've decided is that I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to hide myself away because my son is worried about others' intolerance. I'm not going to hide from him the fact that people can be creepy and ugly in their thoughts and actions. What I'm hoping he'll learn (and what I hope I'll be able to help him with) is how to stand up to people. That's the only possible way to change their preconceptions.

I think what most people (including one particularly ugly poster on this thread) don't understand is that if you've been battling the bulge your entire life, it's not very likely that you'll be able to take it off and KEEP it off. Studies have shown time and again that the body has a set point, and that once one is overweight, the body tries to keep you at that weight. It's not that losing the weight is impossible for most-- it's the keeping it off that's almost impossible. What's more important is to be healthy-- to exercise and eat healthily, and to make sure the things you can control you do control. That's what I'm trying to do. I exercise vigorously three times a week. My cholesterol and other blood values are far better than my those of my thin, active husband. My doctor has read the literature and knows that saying, "just eat less," isn't going to help.

The truth is you can be healthy AND overweight. The two don't exclude each other.

The other thing people don't understand is that being overweight is NOT about self control. Study after study backs this up.

It seems like overweight is the last acceptable thing to bash people over. It will be nice when that finally changes.

In the meantime, don't hide the wonderful person that you obviously are.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:02 PM
Response to Reply #58
76. WOW! Thanks, sakura!
:patriot:
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sakura Donating Member (660 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:13 PM
Response to Reply #76
82. Good luck to you.
From reading your other responses, it's easy to see that you are doing all the right things for your son. You're teaching him not only tolerance, but acceptance of diversity in all of its forms, not just the popularly discussed ones.


Getting healthy-- whatever that looks like for you-- is the only other things you can do for him. It sounds like you're doing that.

Good luck and hugs to you! :hug:
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Dorian Gray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:05 AM
Response to Reply #82
135. I have to second this post
Marian Jack, your sensitivity and love shines through your posts. You are saddened, but you are also obviously open to your son's feelings and lovingly concerned. It says a lot about what a wonderful parent you are! :)


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bean fidhleir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:39 PM
Response to Reply #58
92. Please be aware, though, that one cause of being overweight is insulin resistance, a genetic problem
that is the precursor to diabetes. If your heritage is not all-White, you are at increased risk for insulin resistance.

Insulin resistance and excess fat operate in a vicious cycle, during which the beta cells in the pancreas put out more and more insulin to try to get the excess glucose out of the blood. But the more fat you carry, the more resistant you become and the more you increase your fat. This eventually causes fatigue and collapse of the beta cells and produces active diabetes.

It's a very silent disease. It can damage important body parts beyond repair without you even noticing that it's happening.
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sakura Donating Member (660 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:18 PM
Response to Reply #92
98. Thanks.
:) My father in law and his dad both have (had) type 2 diabetes, so I've seen the devastating effects of that disease. It was one of my major concerns when I went to my doctor a while back-- I've tried and tried to lose weight and nothing has helped. In my case, the weight gain was a side effect of the antidepressants I have been on for years, and can't be removed from. I am trying to look at this weight gain as the price I paid for staying alive. I'd be thin if I weren't on them (I was until I started taking them) but I probably wouldn't be here. If people want to make judgments about me without knowing the whole story, that's their right. The thing is, just about everyone who is overweight has an underlying reason-- genetic/medical, psychological, etc. I haven't met a single extremely fat person who wanted to be huge (I'm not talking about cultural preferance for the pleasantly plump person). I also haven't met a person like this who hasn't tried just about every plan out there (stupid or not) to lose weight. Fat people are seen as lazy and slothful. But the truth is it takes persistence to pick yourself up and try again time after time.

I did a lot of research before visiting my doctor about what works and what doesn't. My doctor ran a full battery of tests, but really had nothing to offer me. I'm healthy. I'm taking steps to keep it that way-- I'm making most of our food from scratch to avoid corn syrup and junk additives. I'm guessing, however, that this will probably be more beneficial to my husband than it will be to me. We eat the same diet, but he is the one with borderline cholesterol. Notably, both his dad and granddad eat (ate) well, were physically fit (excellent shape, not even a small spare tire), but they got insulin resistant diabetes.

A lot of it is a roll of the dice, and a lot of it we're not in control of.
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bean fidhleir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:53 PM
Response to Reply #98
102. Anti-depressants have a horrible rep for causing weight gain.
At least they actually did you good, too! Some people they just make fat.

I was overfat and not paying too much attention til early this year when I got diagnosed with IR (and diabetic neuro symptoms). So I went out and did research (can you tell I was an engineer? LOL) I came across Richard Bernstein's site. He's only a few years years older than me, an ex-engineer who's had Type 1 diabetes since childhood. When he was in his 30s he was already dying of the conventional voodoo medical regimen, so he applied his engineering skills and came up with a solution: glucose comes from carbs, so avoid carbs. But when he tried to publish, nobody would listen: he was just an engineer, not an MD. So he went back to school in his 40s and got his MD (his spouse is also an MD, so that probably helped). He's kept his blood-glucose levels normal for about 30-40 years now even though his body hasn't made any insulin in over 60 years, and he has long outlived the life expectancy for diabetics.

So when I saw that, I cut out almost all carbs, my BG dropped smartly into the "okay" range, and I started losing weight, again, too. I'm eating few carbs, so I'm not overloading my blood with glucose, my bod doesn't have to overproduce insulin to clean up my blood, and I'm in normal (voluntary) ketosis, so I'm burning fat again. I still have about 50 lbs to shift, but at least I'm finally going in the right direction! I don't know whether the same would work for you, but if it's still a concern for you it might be worth considering.
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sakura Donating Member (660 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 03:45 PM
Response to Reply #102
107. I will definitely look into it.
Thank you for telling me about this. It's good to hear that this approach has been so successful for you. The only way I have lost any weight was with Atkins/Protein Power, but it became deadly boring after a while. A major difficulty came from my husband, too. He had a hard time believing that eating so much protein could be healthy, and kept asking me to stop. I will visit Richard Bernstein's site. Is what you are following any different from what may be recommended there?

I find it really, really sad that Bernstein had to go out and get an MD before the medical community would listen to him. I have a PhD in biology myself, and it has been interesting how many MDs become defensive when I bring up studies by name. My new doctor (my old one was great but he retired) is really good at listening, though. He's young and open minded, and recognized that as I've had the illness of depression for longer than he's been alive, I might know a thing or two about it. When I asked him what the sample size was for a particular study, he didn't blink. He just said he didn't know and immediately looked it up online. The fact than n=5 surprised him.

As for the antidepressants, it took 15 years before we worked out a cocktail of meds that do more than make me a zombie. I am extremely thankful for them, despite the side effect. Depression runs in my family-- a predisposition to it was my inheritance, I guess. You wouldn't believe how many MDs have told me that the weight gain has nothing to do with antidepressants, however, as it wasn't one of the original side effects listed after the initial six week study.
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mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:42 PM
Response to Original message
59. there is always something that a kid that age will feel conscious about.
i think all of mine went through a stage where they would have traded christmas and halloween both if i would just change my haircut and buy a bra. it hurt, but with hindsight, i see that it wasn't really about me, but about the process of becoming a social being. what to absorb, what to resist. it is all hard at 8.
good luck. you will both survive.
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Dorian Gray Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:09 AM
Response to Reply #59
137. This is also very true
sadly, I don't know a single kid that doesn't express embarrassment regarding their parents for one reason or another. But when it's about something that you are sensitive about, it's a double whammy.


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IndianaJones Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:43 PM
Response to Original message
61. all kids go through that. I did with my parents, I'm sure my kids will too.
You are a good person my friend.
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jesus_of_suburbia Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:46 PM
Response to Original message
64. Please don't be angry. He is a child. Go in and read to the class.
If my memory serves me right, kids don't care about what adults weigh.

They tease overweight children, but not adults.

If your child isn't overweight, I wouldn't worry a bit.


Those kids don't care what you weigh.
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Fireweed247 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:49 PM
Response to Original message
66. It could be worse
I thought you were going to say that he signed up to go to Iraq. At least you have the lines of communication open so hopefully he won't do that some day.

I grew up with overweight parents and not one kid ever made fun of me or them. He is only 'embarrassed' because of how awful and mean the other kids are. These days the percentage of obese adults and children have gone up astronomically(most likely because of our horrible food supply-'diet' foods full of corn syrup, Genetically modified foods etc) and yet the children are ruder to overweight people? We are watching Idiocracy happen here. Just like the term "Gay" as an insult. We NEVER used that growing up, we were taught that was unacceptable. Now all the kids are insulting each other calling each other Gay. We are going backwards here...

Maybe you can explain that the people he sees on TV stay super skinny for their jobs, and many are unhealthy and anorexic because of the ridiculous standards these days. I just saw Marilyn Monroe in a movie and my god, she was a sex goddess and now people would say she was fat.
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bean fidhleir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:52 PM
Response to Original message
68. You and your spouse have socialized your son very well. Congratulations!
He's aware of and sensitive to the feelings of those around him, and will never be a psychopath. Now you have to make him independent of them, too, so that when he grows up he'll be autonomous and internally-motivated.

One good way to begin that process would be, as StopBush in this thread obliquely suggested, to overtly listen to him, talk with him about the issues (maybe they're not what they seem), and see where that takes you both.
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Kokonoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 12:55 PM
Response to Original message
70. Ok, get over it.
Are you his real dad. What does his mom have to do with it.
Try reading a book that will not remind all his classmates about you, when they read the next book.

Take a backseat and let your son show you. When you are down, be happy there is someone fresh to give you a new insight and direction.
Your son is brave to tell, and wants to share his feelings that are equally if not more devastating than yours.
His future trumps yours.

I will send you good luck, do not underestimate good fortune.

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Cronopio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:04 PM
Response to Reply #70
78. "Get over it." "Are you his real dad?" "His future trumps yours."
Bye, troll.
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wtmusic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:04 PM
Response to Reply #70
79. No...on so many levels.
* being his "real" Dad or not doesn't matter squat.
* be sure to read a book that reminds all his classmates about your generous contribution to their class
* do not take a backseat. Explain to your son that the important thing is that you are there helping and that everyone has faults which can be "made fun of".
* his future does trump yours, which is exactly why you should go to the class and read anyway. Your son will one day be thankful that you taught him what really matters.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:22 PM
Response to Reply #70
85. He is my adopted son,...
...but I AM his real dad.
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Kokonoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:07 PM
Response to Reply #85
97. Thanks MarianJack,
Things will get better.

Sometimes my words mean less than actions.

I have had a similar experience.
Adopted daughter, stepson and layoffs.

If I had to go back, I would remember that when the pendulum is on the wrong side,
be grateful and take heart, its your children's nature to wish you the best.

They do not want to hurt you.
I'm on your side, and since you are here, your pointing the right way.
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readmoreoften Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:34 PM
Response to Reply #70
120. If you think calling people fat is "new insight" then you're a scumbag or one lonely asshole.
Or both. Also...you obviously don't know what "insight" means.

Now go forth and write your long-winded response detailing how popular and loveable you are, how hot your girlfriend or boyfriend is, and how you are so successful--a real hit at all the dinner parties. Follow it up with an admonishment that I'm probably a fat old biddy (or bastard) who is unloved and probably slovenly and of low intelligence. Follow that up with some sort of magnanimous gesture about how 'people like me' can better myself through diet and exercise and meditation.


:rofl:

Kid, the wall of life is gonna hit you someday.
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Kokonoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 01:30 AM
Response to Reply #120
127. Just to make it clear. I didn't call anyone anything.
I want him to get over "the heartbreak".

He ask for similar experiences. And I should not have been so direct.
I threw too much, so awkward, at one time.

I'm sure he wanted everyones response though, and most are very "insightful" as you put it.

readmoreoften is really a more intelligent writer than I will be.
Respectfully, kokono.

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Kokonoe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 01:32 AM
Response to Reply #120
128. deleted dupe
Edited on Tue Oct-21-08 01:34 AM by kokono
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ismnotwasm Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:08 PM
Response to Original message
81. I am so sorry
I don't believe children are naturally cruel. I wish every parent took the opportunity to teach loving comparison and acceptance as children grow, from the cradle up. The growing contempt of the "other"-- no matter what form it takes-- is disturbing.

My children grew up extremely poor and my son endured some teasing that I never knew about until he was an adult (It had to do with a crappy haircut I had given him and always outgrowing his pants before I could afford to replace them, so they were too short)There were other problems as well.

Eventually as poor kids, though, they both developed a kind of street "cool" as a reaction to narrow middle class expectations. Not the healthiest outcome but it worked for them. It also was something they had to outgrow, because street cred as an adult doesn't work in a job interview.

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RiverStone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:27 PM
Response to Original message
87. Overweight prejudice is a known fact - in the schools and out
Having spent many years working in the public schools, sadly and accurately - being overweight subjects many kids to teasing.

The framing of your question may have put your son on the spot, yet talking about his feelings (and yours) regarding this concern is important.

He was just being honest, I'd guess he would not want to intentionally hurt your feelings at all.

Is he worried about his weight?





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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:36 PM
Response to Reply #87
88. He intended no harm,...
...he is a great kid!

He does not, fortunately, fight the abttle of the bulge as his parents do.
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mellowfellowO Donating Member (36 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:37 PM
Response to Original message
89. I Am So Sorry....
No parent should ever have to go through that. Sadly, we live in a society where physical appearance takes a precedence over heart and personality. It doesn't matter how good you are as a human being, just as long as you look like the beautiful people on TV. This is the legacy today's generation have inherited. You should talk to him about how you feel and let him know that words hurt more than a fist sometimes.
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road2000 Donating Member (995 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:37 PM
Response to Original message
90. Lessons from this.
MarianJack,

I think there's one thing you need to focus on. If you give in to your son's demand (and it is a demand), you will be teaching him several lessons.

You'll be teaching him to give in to the schoolyard bully mentality.

You'll be teaching him that he can boss you around, and manipulate you by making you feel guilty.

You'll be tacitly agreeing that you are an object of shame, and that you should hide yourself.

There are other points I could list, but they stem from these three major ones. Having been through something similar, my heart goes out to you. Best wishes tomorrow. Read and be proud.

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MissB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:51 PM
Response to Reply #90
96. Excellent points!
And I agree with each and every one.

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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:10 PM
Response to Reply #90
108. All are lessons...
...that aren't taught in this home. Thanks!

PEACE!
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Papagoose Donating Member (361 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:39 PM
Response to Original message
91. Not quite the same, but similar...
My daughter ran home from playing at a neighbor's house. I found her crying in her room and asked her what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. She later confided to my wife that the neighbor girl told her that her daddy was too fat and that he looked like a pig. I actually use that as inspiration when facing weakness in my battle of the bulge.
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Liberal_in_LA Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:43 PM
Response to Original message
94. There are lots of little hurts with kids... brace yourself.
everyone's feelings get hurt by lil kids.
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Iwillnevergiveup Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 01:44 PM
Response to Original message
95. The common thread here
appears to be that parenting is no easy walk in the park.

But, MarianJack, I'd like to tell you in my 20 plus years of teaching, I've had a slew of aides and parent volunteers in my classrooms. They came in all shapes and sizes. Never once did I hear a comment about their physical appearances. What I did notice was that the kids were more respectful of our adult guests than they were of me! Maybe 3 years ago, a mom came into my classroom wearing a revealing halter top, tatooed up one arm and down the other. Her husband was missing quite a few of his teeth. They popped in unannounced to check up on their daughter. It was quite a disruption, but these parents began regaling the class about the importance of paying attention in class, doing their work and acting "right." They even got on a rant about how they served jail time for drug use/sales and warned the kids about not leading that lifestyle. This all took up about 15 minutes.

Their daughter was at first horrified when they came through the door. As I watched her and the other kids, she became more relaxed. And what did the class say after the parents left? "Hey, that was cool." "Your parents are awesome."

So, I would encourage you to go on in and read to your son's class. You will be accepted for who you are by them....and best of all, by your son.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:19 PM
Response to Reply #95
109. As a former educator,..
...I know you speak truth.

Thank you for your service to the next generation. My wife is a teacher and I know how UNDER appreciated the profession is.

PEACE!
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YvonneCa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 02:29 PM
Response to Original message
101. As a parent and teacher, I am sorry for how this...
...hurts. But kids are so honest...it is sometimes brutal. And it hurts. Kindergarteners stare and ask older teachers how old they are, when they have gray hair. :7 Older kids are swayed by peer pressure...they don't want anyone to know they even HAVE parents. And brace yourself for teenagers. :)

Kids are also different in a school setting than at home...because other kids reactions can be scary. My advice is to honor your child's wishes...and suggest an alternative. Maybe read at home this time instead. But don't let the hurt push you out or away from involvement in school life. HE has to adjust and learn what's important in life, too...that love means more than appearances, for example.

Love your son through all the stages...especially the painful ones. When he grows up...he'll know he has the best dad EVER.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:20 PM
Response to Reply #101
110. I love him all of the time,...
...even when I want to boot his little can for him. :patriot:
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YvonneCa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 08:01 PM
Response to Reply #110
126. I can ...
...tell. Otherwise his words wouldn't hurt so much. Sounds like you are feeling a little better. :grouphug:
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InvisibleTouch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 03:26 PM
Response to Original message
103. I think it's super that you're reading to the class!
One of my favorite schooltime memories (and I have very few "favorite" schooltime anythings) was my fourth-grade teacher reading to us for half an hour or so every day after lunch. It's been proven that reading aloud to children - even older kids - enhances their imaginative skills, not to mention that it's just plain great fun. I love that you as a parent are willing to put in your time like this!

As to your son, keep in mind that most kids will be teased for something-or-other at some point in their lives. There's simply no shielding them from it. Better to teach them to deal with it in a way that, eventually, can no longer hurt them. If it wasn't this issue for your son, it would be something else. In a way you're lucky, because you can use the incident as a teaching experience, something you're directly involved in - whereas with another issue, it might not be so direct.

I suspect, though, that the kids will be so happy to have someone reading them a story that they won't think of teasing you or your son. If there's one bad apple in the bunch ... well, another teaching opportunity. You can say to your son, Why let the opinion of one random individual affect your self-worth? Better to learn it at age eight than at ... oh, 15 or so, which is how long it took me.
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MarianJack Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 06:56 PM
Response to Reply #103
116. In all honesty,...
...kids love when I read to them and do a different voice for each character.

I love it, too!
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EFerrari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 03:28 PM
Response to Original message
104. Is there a parent who hasn't had an experience like this one?
:hug:
:grouphug:

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pacalo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:39 PM
Response to Reply #104
113. Isn't that the truth. From the time kids begin going to school, they are conscious of what their
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 04:41 PM by 8_year_nightmare
peers think. A parent coming into their exclusive kids-teachers-only world makes them stand apart & kids don't like anything that makes them stand out from the rest -- I'm not talking about a parent's appearance, either; I'm talking about just the presence of a parent in their environment.

A funny personal story on this same issue: My youngest son who was in middle school at the time asked me if I'd take him to the video store, but that he'd like to go inside to rent it by himself. "You don't want me to go inside with you?" I asked. "No, Mom." I was amused because I knew it was because he didn't want to take a chance of being seen by his school friends with his mom, so I wrote on an adhesive name-tag label, "I AM (SON'S) MOTHER" in bold letters, put it on & walked up to him & said, "Let's go!" That got some chuckles out of him.

:)
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EFerrari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:44 PM
Response to Reply #113
114. My son flinched when I touched his 7th grade arm in a music store.
He was my first kid so I was totally unprepared for that.

My poor Arlo. I'm so sorry I was such a clueless Mom!

lol

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DarbyUSMC Donating Member (352 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 03:38 PM
Response to Original message
105. Oh, boy.
I stayed away from my children's activities/school events etc. due to feeling that I was too heavy and didn't want them to have to "defend" me should one of the kids in their classes comment. I didn't lose weight between having three children so I was about 60 pounds overweight. I never had a picture taken with my children until they were adults. However, that's my story. Your story is opposite. If it was enough of a worry for your son to say that to you, then I would think some child has already made a comment to him. That put him between a rock and a hard place. Depending on your personality and if you could pull it off, reading a book to them about tolerance of people who are different from them, might make them think. On the other hand, the main thing is to work with your son. It's easier for anyone looking at the problem from the outside to figure out what to do, but for you it's a real dilemma. Your son loves you, of that is there no doubt. His life at school though, is where he has to exist in the most peaceful way possible. Good luck, buddy.

Finally a picture together in 1993.

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burythehatchet Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 03:39 PM
Response to Original message
106. Kids are brutally honest, and that's what I love about them. My sons have said
many seemingly horrible things simply because they have a limited understanding of circumstances. Once my boy said "I don't like Indian people, they smell bad" (I'm Indian) :rofl:

In your case your kid probably has been ridiculed and feels helpless to be able to do anything about it. You can't blame him for wanting to avoid the situation.
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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:26 PM
Response to Original message
112. wow that hurt and I feel for you

Is there anyway to turn it into a positive by planning some walks and exercise together? Make it a joint project and make it fun.

Pray for your success.
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ACTION BASTARD Donating Member (765 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 04:46 PM
Response to Original message
115. Brutal honesty of kids...
I recall doing something similar to this when I was in grade school. I know why I can still recall it, and yes I was a little shit heel back then.

While I'm sure your struggling with this, If I were you I'd stay away.

Since you didn't ask for what you should do next, I'll hold my tongue. Peace to you Marian Jack.
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MissMarple Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:18 PM
Response to Original message
117. My son didn't like me going to school. I did, anyway, in elementary.
It wasn't my looks, he just wanted to be on his own. He also didn't like to share his grades with us. But he has recovered from all that... and is a senior in college. He likes when we visit.

I'm sorry about the weight thing. He may have been kidded about it at school. Is there a teacher or parent of a friend you could run this by? This has less to do with you than it does your son. He will outgrow this, but he may need a gentle reality check. None of are perfect, some of our imperfections just aren't as visible at first. He needs to learn that in a positive way.
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lonestarnot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
118. So that's what happened!
Well that lil shit! You know he still loves you. And that is the main part of this story. Kids say the damnedest things. Roll with the flow, mine says crap to me all the time, and it gets worse. :D Take his hand and NEVER let him go no matter what!
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BlooInBloo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:22 PM
Response to Original message
119. Ow. It kinda makes it worse that he doesn't even know how hurtful that is. :(
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Geek_Girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:35 PM
Response to Original message
121. I have a five year old who sometimes points out my flaws
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 08:01 PM by Geek_Girl
like achne ect... I usually try not to get my feelings hurt. I just try to be the adult and talk to her frankly about saying hurtful things and about being a mean person and try to teach her to empathize with the person that she might be hurting.

I know kids can be hurtful sometimes, but try to turn the negative into a positive and use this as an opportunity to teach your child about dealing with prejudice and social pressures of looking a certain way. Use it as a teaching opportunity.

And by all means go to the school and read to the class, it's important for parents to be involved.
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carlyhippy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:38 PM
Response to Original message
122. kids at aged 8 are self-conscious about their parents showing up at school
they don't think it's cool, and ends up making them the center of attention while the parent is in the room, the weight probably isn't more the issue as the idea of a parent being in the classroom. Don't worry about it. If the other kids are mean enough to tease him like that, it is an issue that needs to be brought to the attention of the teacher, because there is a possible problem in the classroom. I would sit down with him and ask him if your weight is truly a problem for him, and why...is he worrying about your health etc., if he is worried, then maybe he can get involved with you in an exercise program, you will have quality time together and that is always a good thing.
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Canuckistanian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:41 PM
Response to Original message
123. Don't take this the wrong way, but...
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 07:42 PM by Canuckistanian
I tend NOT to let 8-year olds define me or how I feel about myself, even my own kid.

I'm overweight myself, but if I'm guilted by my 11-year old, I have to accept the fact that I've been fooling myself for all these years.

Really, if you can't defend or explain yourself to an eight-year old, imagine what adults must think of you, and how you'd react if one of them told you that.

Try to think of it from that POV.
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KoKo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-20-08 07:42 PM
Response to Original message
124. Yes...it happens with some of our more "questioning outspoken children."
Edited on Mon Oct-20-08 07:43 PM by KoKo01
Don't take it personally. It might be a good life lesson as to how you handle it. But...I don't want to go into details...(I understand your hurt from a different personal level than weight..but it can be with certain kids... ANY issue...beliefs or religion or that you don't serve the same food in your house as their friends...something they feel concerned about with their peers..whatever.)

How you handle it might be a way to try to communicate the issues that you feel are important that go beyond ...in that maybe your child is insecure and feeling threatened and it isn't about YOU...but about them. And bolstering them in some way but also saying why it's important to be invited and to be there is a good thing, too.

Anyway...I understand...I'm sure many here will give you better advice on how to handle. But, yes..many of us who have grown children..remember that "stab in the heart" for the first time when we knew our kids no longer viewed us as perfect.

It's very tough. But, don't take it personally...it does work out and has more to do with "them in their group experience than you." It's what I found, but then every situation is different.

:hug: ...
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MrSlayer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 01:40 AM
Response to Original message
129. Kids can be so cruel, he's trying to save himself some torture.
However, if taught the appropriate comebacks, it shouldn't be a hardship. Go anyway, and teach him some good ones to give back. Playing the nines is a right of passage and no one is spared.
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w8liftinglady Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 02:11 AM
Response to Original message
130. a word of advice,,,
your time is worth immeasurabble treasure.It's important to know that we don't all fall into the same mold.Read for your child.they will thank you later.(been there)
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No Passaran Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 02:13 AM
Response to Original message
131. I know it hurts, but it will not always be that way
Kids will be kids and I remember all the way through High School I didn't want my parents anywhere near me. After HS, you kind of grow up and realize that none of that matters. I'm waiting for my son to do the same to me one day
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cornermouse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 06:32 AM
Response to Original message
133. Kids were put on the planet to drive us nuts.
You made a commitment to read the book and I think that (following through and meeting commitments and responsibilities), as well as consideration of other people's feelings should be part of the lesson he learns from this. One thing to keep in mind is that when your parent is out of work for an extended period of time is that he's picked up on the stress at home. I can still remember when my dad's union went on strike and the company decided to do some union breaking back during the Reagan presidency. Even though the company and union eventually stopped fighting and ended the strike and my dad eventually retired with the company, I have never forgiven the company. Good luck.
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medeak Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:08 AM
Response to Original message
136. just wait until he's in jr high
you will have to be invisible....there's no perfect parent. My sons made me drop them off 2 blocks away from school as I drove a mercedes and was "too hot looking" Now am old and fat... can laugh at those days. Take it all in stride
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erinlough Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:10 AM
Response to Original message
138. Hi, a different perspective is what a wonderful teaching moment
I grew up in the 50's with a wonderful, but very overweight mother. I suppose there were times when I thought about her weight, but she approached it this way, we just didn't judge people on appearance. If I had pulled away from her at school or asked her not to come she would have really let me have it. Because we were jumped on so hard for teasing anyone else it never dawned on me to be critical of her weight.

I taught my own son's 8th grade class. I was not heavy at the time, but I am strict and my son did tell me it made it difficult for him. I explained that he was free to tell kids he was not in control of me, because he wasn't. Funny thing, we got through it fine and his friends accepted that explanation.

Kids are learning how to be in the world, don't let an 8 year old get the wrong message, that it is anyone's right to judge another. It isn't you know.
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TexasObserver Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 07:33 AM
Response to Original message
139. You're the parent. He is the child. Time to take on the issue directly.
You should also address the problem with the school. Is it possible the teacher has said things that are hostile to persons overweight? Either a teacher made such comments, or allows them.

Children cannot be allowed to decide these kind of things on their own. They'll learn to cave in on every issue - the treatment of people in wheel chairs, of people who have deformities, of people who are dwarves, of people who have learning disabilities.

It's NOT COOL to be a bigot, to be hurtful, and you must tell your son that his attitude must change. It's about more than his shame about you. It's about protecting your son from a life in which ugly prejudices rule.

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Freedomofmind Donating Member (11 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 08:17 AM
Response to Original message
141. Support
I am what you call morbidly obese 350+ pounds...

I volunteer at the elementary school nearby to teach children how to read, and they treat me with awe and respect.

I would wholeheartedly suggest going anyway, and have your son see the lack of judgment, and if one of them is disrespectful, the teacher can make it a lesson on respect and decency.

God Bless

Freedom-of-mind.
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Patiod Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 08:25 AM
Response to Original message
142. As you know, kids will find ANYTHING to pick on
My mother had prematurely gray hair, and people used to say "is that your grandmother?" I told her about it (kids are clueless) and it must have hurt her feelings - not only was she gray at 25, but she WAS an older mom by the time they got me.

The poster immediately above gives some great advice - and she sounds like she knows what she's talking about.
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noonwitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 08:27 AM
Response to Original message
143. No, but I have been losing weight by exercising.
I'm not dieting. I'm not cutting ice cream and other goodies out of my life.

I've been swimming almost every day for the last year and a half. I'm up to 40 minutes a day. The first 20 lbs came off fast, and the rest is slowly coming off. It requires patience to do it this way, because the results are slower in coming, but it is working. There are lots of ways to get exercise that don't involve joining a health club or a pool. Walking, biking, etc. Go for a bike ride with your kid every day.
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earth mom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 08:41 AM
Response to Original message
144. Sorry to hear this. But I remember being embarrassed by my parents when I was a bit older
than your son. I think it's part of growing up. :grouphug:
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IsItJustMe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-21-08 08:46 AM
Response to Original message
145. All I can say is that you have done something right in raising your son. You have taught your son
to be honest. That is a virtue.

When my kids are honest with me like that, at first I am pissed and it hurts, but then I take a honest look at it and there is some truth to what they are saying.

I love truth more than anything in life, so for me, when it is all said and done, it's a good thing.

Now, it seems you need to teach your son the values of being your own person, not following the herd and stepping in shit, because that is what happens when you follow the herd, and being more concerned about your own inner voice as compared to what other people think of you.

None of this is easy, all one can do is teach your children well, and then smile to yourself when they fall or falter, because it has to be, it is the way of life.

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