If I Don't Stand With You ....

[NanceGreggs]

… What I Stand for Matters Not.

I wear a ring, a gift from my husband. It is inscribed in Hebrew with a quote from the Songs of Solomon: “I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.”

It’s a simple statement, but it is one my beloved and I are free to declare – publicly and openly, without fear of ridicule or derision. That freedom of expression is not based on our commitment to one another – it is based on the fact that we are a man and a woman.

I consider myself a tolerant person, one who truly makes an effort to understand the viewpoint of others – even when their staunchly held opinion vastly differs from my own.

But on one topic in particular, I have failed miserably in trying to understand – or be tolerant of – the distaste and distrust, the baseless paranoia, and the incredible narrowness of mind that refuses to recognize that love knows no boundaries – nor was it ever meant to.

If we have one common destiny as human beings, surely it is to constantly strive for a more perfect world. And I can’t help but wonder how we can pretend to perfect ourselves in a world where love must be hidden for appearance’s sake, relegated to something “done” behind closed doors, or denied altogether because it is socially unacceptable.

To those who are currently living without the rights they so obviously deserve, I will not deign to say, “I know how you feel.” Because I can’t possibly know.

Never having been there, I can’t know what it’s like to worry about being denied a death-bed visitation with the person I’ve spent my life with. I cannot know how it feels to long to hold a child in my arms while resigning myself to the fact that the care I would give so freely is deemed unworthy by those who do not know me, and never will.

I cannot know what it’s like to restrain myself from spontaneously throwing my arms around the one I love for fear we are in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing, and might suffer dire consequences for actions that come as naturally to us as they do lovers everywhere, and have since the beginning of time.

Please forgive my inability to express myself as articulately as I normally pride myself on being able to do. But what I really want to say (albeit incredibly inartfully tonight) is this: If I do not stand with my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, everything I have ever believed in falls away. If I am not willing to fight their fight, I am woefully inadequate to fight at all. If I am not ready to do what is necessary to make things right for them, I have no right to believe that anything will ever be truly right for me.

I realize how easy it is to ask for patience, when I am not the one called upon to be patient. I appreciate how unspeakably glib it sounds to say your time is coming, when my time has already arrived. I am cognizant of how condescending it may seem to preach tolerance of the very people who have shown no tolerance at all. And if and when I am guilty of any or all of the above, I humbly beg your pardon.

Simply put, you are my beloveds, and I am yours.

And if I ever waver in my commitment to you or your cause, remind me that if I don’t stand with you, I don’t deserve to stand at all.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear Nance...

Oh wow...

I wish I knew how to be this eloquent.

I mean, really...

You stand with all of us, gay, straight, transgendered, lesbian, bisexual... all of us...

K&R

[madrchsod]

2. "if you don`t say it`s wrong then that says its right"

once again your words set us free.....

[tblue]

3. You always say it so perfectly. Thanks, Nance.

[BigBearJohn]

4. Great post from the heart. Thank you.

[H2O Man]

5. Well said.

Very well said, indeed. Thank you.

Nominated.

[ccharles000]

6. Thank you nance.

[OneGrassRoot]

7. Please, remind me as well. Thank you, Nance. Thank you. n/t

[DeeDeeNY]

8. This is what humanity should be all about

You have stated it so simply and yet so eloquently.
And as the parent of a gay young man, it is especially poignant to me. Thank you.

[Bette Noir]

9. Brava, Nance.

[Bluenorthwest]

10. I'll stand with you Nance, any day, any time

This is a beautiful gift, these direct and clear words. Words of fellowship and unity, as well as understanding. Thank you. This posting made me cry before 5:30 am. I hope this is a widely read post. Hard for me to put into words how much I appriciate these words, and the good Democrat who wrote them.

I'm glad to know you have a beloved, and that he has you. I'm also glad DU has you.

Peace

[TechBear_Seattle]

11. Thank you.

[cali]

12. kick, beautiful post nance. thanks.

[kentuck]

13. K & R !

Excellent!

[dgibby]

14. Beautiful!

The voice of reason, crying in the wilderness. You are the "wind beneath our wings". Thank you, Nance. This should be required reading!

[ooglymoogly]

15. KR for grace amongst human beings. Thank you for a kindness

based on reality. kr

[madamesilverspurs]

16. Phenomenal.

And with your permission, it will be shared with as many people as I can get it to.

Our congressional "representative", Marilyn Musgrave, is notorious for her anti-gay rhetoric; it didn't abate following Matthew Shepherd's murder, and Musgrave is ramping it up again during this campaign. She, and those like her, speak to the worst instincts in people. In glorious contrast, your words recognize the best inclinations and call them to action. You are truly a blessing.

[tbyg52]

17. Thank you, Nance. nt

[Dollface]

18. The nation is moving toward tolerance, but we need to work on acceptance. Thank you.

[BrklynLiberal]

19. Beautifully spoken. We MUST stand with anyone who is denied their rights, because ultimately it

means we are being denied our rights, as well.

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the communists
and I did not speak out - because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me -
and by then there was no one left to speak out for me.

Pastor Martin Niemöller

[malaise]

20. Great post

K & R

[berni_mccoy]

21. This post will go down as one of the Greatest Posts in DU History. Love knows no boundary.

[rhett o rick]

34. I second that. nm

[cbayer]

22. After all the ugliness, your thoughts brought me to tears.

I am greatly saddened by our leaders caving to political expediency at the expense of civil rights, and sadder still to see good DUer's attacking each other over this issue. Your personal feelings on this mirror my own, and I am heartened to have read this.

Thanks, Nance.

[bertman]

23. That puts it all into perspective. Very nice.

[Duncan Grant]

24. I'm getting married today.

This is a profoundly empathetic post -- thank you. We stand together.

[nam78_two]

37. Congratulations

Hope you have/had a great day !

[PatSeg]

25. That was beautiful!

[Tigress DEM]

26. Actually THIS could be THE correct time to get Civil Union Rights across the board.

BOTH sides are agreeing that the RIGHTS are doeable. It IS the linchpin of the equality really being an enforceable piece.

I could be either too nuanced or just stupid but I'm thinking we're winning the "rights" battle.

I applaud your love and concern for your fellow humans, but in my sneaky convoluted mind we've tipped the balance. Even Missus Palin agrees that each American should have these inalienable rights.

The wars for civil rights for any group has never been an all or nothing and if people who can't keep it together more than half the time want that word - marriage - they can have it... for now.

I think people are grieving because surely it still isn't fair. That word has a history and people who love each other deeply want everything that it implies .. well maybe not everything, but they want the choice.

But just think if we could actually get civil unions in every state and the same rights as marriage in every state and laws on the books that make hate crimes real crimes. After a few years when the world did not fall apart we could get the word too, if it still mattered.

What matters to me is the beloved at the bedside and the right for each person to make their decision to care for their loved ones. A rose is a rose no matter what you call it.

Is the word more important than the rights?

THIS is diplomacy, folks. Making inroads on those points where everyone agrees. You don't always get everything you want, but if we all stand together and say,

"Gee even the Republicans admit that Americans have the rights to care for their own family however they define that family so now lets get some rules on the books to preserve those rights."

Call it Civil Union, hell call it Mortimer for all I care, just make it against the law AND enforceable by statue to deny people their rights because of who and how they love.

Doesn't mean the war is over, but it could be a great battle won if we can get this at the federal level.

[shimmergal]

31. Tigress and Nance, thanks for

two beautifully written, thoughtful pieces!

Actually I think there are three parts to this issue. The first is Rights, and it's hard to see how any rational person can justify having different rights available depending on whom you love.

The second is the inner quality of the relationship, which Nance has expressed so well. It's vital to the two people involved but not anybody else's business.

The third is a matter of ACCEPTANCE, and I think this is why many gays don't want to compromise on the word used. "Marriage" has always been held out as the norm for full acceptance into adulthood and society. As a het woman who's lived most of her adult life single, I've felt the sting of this attitude too. But you know what, you can't force people to accept you. Those who're insecure enough to judge somebody else by their marital status or by whom they love, are probably not worth worrying about.

The place where this can make the worse, most hurtful difference, though, is when it's used to measure who can be a good parent. Both single parents' and gay couples' ability to nurture children is under renewed attack lately, it seems to me. And that's terrible, because it tells the children in such families that they're second-best.

[Tigress DEM]

41. Anybody who has really met gay people realize 1 thing. They are just people.

Stereotypes and all kidding aside...

You are right that the worst thing is the judgement against gays as parent material.

There are gay people I have trusted with my child without a thought because I judged them by their integrity, actions and abilities to deal with my monstah.

There are those who wouldn't want the "privilage" of entertaining my monstah.

There is one friend who I went to a Christmas party with so he didn't have to "come out" at his temp agency. His idea not mine, but it was fun.

There are those I've swapped heartache stories with and as a het, I was really bummed that les breakups and fights get to be about the same things as I go through because no matter what the surface argument is it's the pain and emotions and longing we bring to the battle that leave the scars.

I was hoping it was just "men" that week, but realized it's the human condition so as far as differences go, I think my list of differences only has plumbing and attraction as certainties.

I had one friend with so little boundries that she flip flopped through life going one way and then the other and last I talked to her I don't think she really knew anymore.

If I had to guess, I would say she was so open to love that she didn't care about the plumbing, she cared about having real love in her life no matter the package.

And maybe that's the thing. When real love hits you and hits you hard, there you are.

[MNBrewer]

54. As a practical matter

Civil Unions NEVER have all the rights of Marriage. It just doesn't (hasn't so far) worked out that way.

[immoderate]

27. Good, good, so good.

In word and deed.

--IMM

[dudewheresmycountry]

28. Well there you go again

Nance, stating the things we should do and do not, yes you are right, if I am in a crowd of people and I wrap my arms around my lady, everyone says oh what a loving couple and if two men do it they look at you as strange, odd and yes even gay. Even if it is a friend you haven't seen in years, or ones son or daughter. You are correct we are all equal and should be treated as such. I grew up in the south,my generation was the first to go school and have someone of different color sitting beside you. My first reaction was to get to know who are these people that my family so much degrades. By doing so I was teased by my friends and my elders. When this happened, I began to understand how they must have felt. Well to get to the point of this, I got in a situation in PE one morning at school and I couldn't breath while my friends saw this all they did was laugh then out from behind the crowd came this boy of color and slapped me on my back between my shoulder blade and I grasp my first breath which seemed had been forever since my last. Yes he stepped up to do the right thing and it was a wonderful lesson learned from that day forward. Always step up when someone needs help, always step up when someone is being treated unjust. Always step up when called by your inner spirit to do so, Why.. to help of course but there is another reason to let others know that its ok to do so.
Thanks again Nance for stepping up and sharing your thoughts and showing your courage. Blessed be you and yours.

[No DUplicitous DUpe]

29. Another beautiful post.

Thank you, Nance.

[Window]

30. Nance, your heartfelt post has left me at a loss for words. Thank you.

Your family, friends and we at DU are blessed to have you.



Peace

[Mad_Dem_X]

32. Well said.

Thank you for writing this.

[Irishonly]

33. K&R

In fact, I tried to recommend it twice. You have put into words what many of us didn't know how to say. The time for equal rights for gays shouldn't be coming as it is long past due.

[rhett o rick]

35. Very inspirational. Someone above said they wished they could be so eloquent.

Me I'd settle for not putting my foot in my mouth so much. I have a close friend that I used to work with. I love dearly both her and her partner. They don't complain but I can see that they struggle on a daily basis against subtle bigotry. It wasn't so subtle in the work place. But they will do fine as they are both strong and have a great bond. It's such a shame in this day and age.

I get very upset when I see this bigotry come from those that claim they are Christians. They are not Christians, they are cowards hiding behind their religious dogmas.

[nam78_two]

36. Recd heartily.nt

[The Doctor.]

38. Agreed.

Big K+R from all the best places I can give it.

[MadMaddie]

39. My dear Nance

My partner and I are lucky to be in a state (WA) where we have visitation rights for domestic partners. I just had surgery this past Wed (all went well and I am home now) and my partner was there when I woke up. She was there every moment she could be there. We are blessed that we have the right to do so.

I also created a Health care directive to make a decision in case something catastrophic were to happen.

Thank you Nance for so eloquently expressing your thoughts!

MadMaddie

[nikto]

40. Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too, Me too Me too,

I am with you 120%.

Although I am just a "breeder" myself, I have come to feel that the
GLBT freedom issue is a HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE.

Period.

No compromise.

Scientifically, same-sex coupling is as natural as the thumb on your hand.
"How" this all works is still being studied and is not understood clearly.

But the "What" and the "Why" of it is a slam-dunk now.

It is empirical.

Same-sex coupling occurs in 100% of the thousands of sexually-reproducing species
studied so far on our planet.

Same-sex coupling occurs in a frequency-range of 4%-12% (occasionaly slightly higher)
in ALL of these species. To an evolutionary biologist, this is EXACTLY
in the statistical range where POSITIVE ADAPTIVE FUNCTIONS/VARIATIONS occur--Variations that
BENEFIT THE SPECIES in terms of survival, like coloration on birds feathers that helps
them evade predators, or temperature-tolerance that helps a whole species survive changing or
adverse conditions.

Genetic flaws and diseases occur in a COMPLETELY SEPARATE STATISTICAL RANGE around .01% to maybe 2% or so.
VERY SEPARATE ranges--As separate as the orbits of different planets when seen in mathematical/orbital comparison.

So the real BOTTOM LINE here is:

Same-sex coupling/"Gayness", whatever you want to call it, is A COMPLETELY NATURAL
AND HEALTHY VARIATION WELL WITHIN THE RANGE OF HELPFUL, NORMAL, POSITIVE ADAPTIVE FUNCTIONS
THAT PROMOTE SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES.

This kinda' brings into sharper relief the desperate desire of some of our
bigoted, pseudo-religious wackos to DENY EVOLUTION, doesn't it?
(They say: "But Gay people 'go against reproduction', so they must be baaaaad!")

The pseudo-religious rightwing wackos' thinking is very narrow and flawed.

By THEIR thinking, two of the digits on the human hand are "abnormal" because they are
somewhat different in shape/size and function from the 3 middle "normal fingers".

OK, so cut off that "abnormal" thumb and that "abnormal" pinky too.
They don't belong!

Idiocy!

A modern person with knowledge of evolutionary biology knows that it is NOT just 1 finger
that is the standard "yardstick" of what is "normal" in a hand, or a species (like the Human species).

Rather, it is the WHOLE HAND" with it's "VARIETY" of fingers that represents
a whole species, NOT just 1 finger.

The rightwingers would have us cut-off our thumbs and pinkies, in a sense, by cutting off GLBT people
from their rights as Human Beings.

HUMAN RACE=THE WHOLE HAND (with all its different fingers).


I may not have explained this as well as I mean't to, but the analogy of THE WHOLE HAND is The Reality--The Truth.

So if you are religious, it means, unequivocally, whether anyone "likes it" or not,
that GLBT People are wonderful, intentional, beneficial creations of God.
Period.
No debate.

How different that is from pseudo-religion, which is obviously AN EVIL CREATION BY BAD PEOPLE.



So if you ever find yourself making the "Pro-Gay argument" with some cretin,
use the "hand" analogy.

Oh, and tell the cretin to go do some scientific reading--A LOT of reading.

[MNBrewer]

42. Thank you for being the Soul of DU

Wish I could clone your loving spirit.

Love,

Eric

[ulysses]

43. I seem to have recommended this already.

Nicely done.

[chknltl]

44. If you charged us each a dollar for these near daily wisdoms....

We would all, TO INCLUDE YOU, be far richer for the encounter. As it stands we, most certainly, are getting the better end of this deal. Don't doubt for a moment our gratitude (nor should you feel bad for making my bookmarks such a damned lengthy list).
c
Oh and KNR of course.

[DiverDave]

45. I don't usually bookmark threads

but such a great post!
I will read it often to remind me of what I need to do.

Once again, a great post.
I'll treasure it.

Dave

[horseshoecrab]

46. Beautiful

Just perfect.

Thanks so much Nance.



horseshoecrab

[AldebTX]

47. Just Wanted to Add My Thanks As Well

[Maestro]

48. I don't get it either.

Great piece of writing.

[Rainngirl]

49. Bravo

I'm a long-time Nance fan, but a new poster. If only I were as articulate. This truly is my all-time favorite Nance essay.

[bjobotts]

50. The nature of God is love. We are full of it and just need to realease it

We are so afraid to be vulnerable

[57_TomCat]

51. My sentiments...

but better stated.

[pwb]

52. "Awaiting on you all"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ6sKUR0BVc&feature=rela...

[greenbird]

53. Thank you.

As the proud mother of a proud gay daughter, I thank you. Your essay made me think of my family members - now deceased - who were gay, and the stories they told about what that meant for them. It is a human rights issue, nothing less. Thank you again.

[BluRay01]

55. Beautifully stated...

I take heart in the growing number of people who share your sentiments (though I can't say I've ever heard or read them expressed so eloquently). The feelings you demonstrate, in a broader sense, are exactly what we need more of in this country. We should all be willing to stand for our brothers and sisters in this country, to fight each others' fights. If the well-being of everyone in this country, instead of just oneself, were important to all Americans, we would all be better for it. Too many people out there (including some of my family) are likely to vote with their wallets and not with the values you express here. Perhaps heartfelt words such as these will be able to get through to them. Thank you.

[Mom6]

56. Thank you

I thank you for writing this.. Our 17 year old son has
opened us revealed he is a gay man..

how beautiful ..your message. thank you ..again.

[fasttense]

57. Well Said Nance, people need to be reminded that if we don't

Stand up for others rights, when the time comes there will be no one left to stand up for us. Thank you.

[Imagevision]

58. Outstandng...! Nance, so glad you're here...

[Jawja]

59. Well Said.

Thank you.

[pollo poco]

60. Thanks Nance

Aw jeez, you made me cry.

[lonestarnot]

61. K & too late to recommend!

[Ken in SF]

62. Thank you.

Nance, your eloquence always amazes me, but never as much this post.

Almost a year ago, my friend Nick died suddenly. He and his partner Steve had been together for over 22 years. They were registered domestic partners in California, but they had just relocated to Florida and it was at their home in Key West that he died. And Florida does not recognize domestic partners.

The sudden loss of this truly great man and great friend was difficult, but made worse when the Monroe County coroner told Steve that he could not release Nick's body to anyone who was not legal next-of-kin. Same with the mortuary with the ashes. Legally, they were strangers. Steve was fortunate that Nick's family loved and respected and recognized him as Nick's spouse so there was little drama.

To think that Brittany Spears drunken 24 hr first marriage has more legal standing than Nick and Steve's 22 year commitment, or my 16 year relationship is...I am not sure how to finish that sentence...Nauseating? Frightening? Unbelievable?

Has any major civil rights ever come from a popular vote? (That's only semi-rhetorical, the great leaps forward in equality seemed to come from either the courts or executive order. Please let me know if I am wrong). When a legislature passes gay marriage equality, they challenge it in the courts. When courts determine that to deny rights to a group is unconstitutional, they say its a matter for the legislature, and when both the judicial and legislative branch agree, they want a popular vote. Seems to me, that if it was up to the popular vote, we might not have slavery, but we'd still have Jim Crow apartheid.