Dear Wall Street, here's your NEW bailout plan

[Tiberius]

Dear Wall Street,

Hi, this is the lobbyist for a group called The Taxpayers, Debtors, and Insured People of the United States. Now that we've rejected the first bailout plan, I'm sure that in the spirit of tough, free market capitalism, and spirited negotiations, you'll consider our second offer. Here are some terms that I'm SURE you will find reasonable:

1) We are willing to loan you money at a very low, introductory rate of 8.9%. If you are even one nanosecond late on your payment, your rate will go from 8.9% to 32.9% instantly. You will have no right to appeal this. The interest rate increase will be retroactive. None of this "but I mailed it out Friday" nonsense. We must get it, and the check must clear, for your payment to count. A reminder: transactions that occur after 2pm are not credited until the next business day, so be sure to make your payments before then.

2) If you are late on any of your other payments to your other creditors, your rate will also be spiked to 32.9%. I know it has nothing to do with us, but if you are late paying someone else, then OBVIOUSLY you are a bigger credit risk to us.

3) We will send you onerous terms and conditions 148,000,000 pages long in 6 point font. Of course, those terms can change on a whim, at any time, so we'll be sending you hourly updates to the contract, which we expect you to read and keep up with. Sorry, we will be the only ones that can amend the contract; you cannot.

4) You will have a predetermined credit line, and if you go over it by even $1, your interest rate will spike to 54.9%. Sorry, it's in the contract on page 109,209,392.

5) The bankruptcy laws have now changed. If you get into a bind, I'm afraid you won't find much sympathy; no more silly excuses will be accepted. We are going to have the titles to all of your buildings and physical assets put in our name, so when the inevitable time comes and you trip up, we'll simply take everything from you. There will be no court hearing.

6) We'll be conducting a background check, driving records check, drug test, and disease risk check of all of the top executives of your firm. After all, you're a riskier loan if you have any of those afflictions, aren't you? Well, if we find ANYTHING wrong, your interest rate will skyrocket, instantly, and without notice.

7) If your business is located in a "bad neighborhood", or a "poor city", or a "hurricane zone", or "flood plane", or "terrorist targeted city", as defined by us, we can raise your interest rates at any time, to any rate we choose.

For the last quarter century or so, you've imposed these terms, or some variation of them on us, when loaning us money or insuring us... arguing every single time that it's "necessary" and that these sorts of changes "will result in more profitable companies that will pass the savings along to consumers". Well, now that we're in the role of lender, and you're in the role of borrower, we're sure that you'll find these same terms fair.

Wall Street, prove the cynics wrong and accept our new plan. Prove to everyone that you're not the hypocrites that everyone thinks you are.

Best regards,

THE TAXPAYERS, DEBTORS, AND INSURED PEOPLES OF THE USA


Offer not valid in all 50 states. Terms, conditions, and interest rates subject to change at any time without notice. Borrower subject to intrusive credit, background, education, and criminal checks before issuance of loan. Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any indepedant or otherwise objective authority.

[ingac70]

1. That's a plan I could get behind. n/t

[Joe Chi Minh]

182. How can they not jump at the chance to avail themselves of it! Why, it

implicitly bears their very own imprimatur, doesn't it?

[mikita]

2. well this is sinking fast,

but I LOVED it... Thanks !

[dkofos]

3. We should just nationalize the entire financial system and be done with it.

[Greyhound]

22. The entire financial (technically the currency) system was supposed to be run

by Congress in the fist place.

[Supersedeas]

149. and the petrochemical and utilities industries as well--it is a national security matter

[bagrman]

162. Nationalize the oil companies, charge $3 a gal., take profits and buy everyone health care.

[Joe Chi Minh]

179. Sounds good. The oil, too. Ugo would be a fund of good advice.

[OhioChick]

4. K&R

[SCantiGOP]

186. this one is going all over the web

My wife is a bankruptcy attorney in a Legal Aid office, and when I forwarded this to her she sent it all over the state to her peers. They loved it. One asked permission to post it on his blog, which Tiberius gladly granted. You don't know how often she comes home depressed and upset because she was the one who had the break the news to some poor soul that they are going to lose their house. This really touched a nerve with her.

[Truth2Tell]

5. kick.

[SammyWinstonJack]

6. K&R!

[annabanana]

7. Well written..

(And all too familiar to anyone who has ever <[b>read the 6 poiont font inserts that come from your credit card company)

[Grinchie]

70. 6 Point is Generous!

California Law requires that the text of Durable Power of Attorney be printed at no less than 4 point, bold font. This is wonderful for all those little old ladies depositing their trust money in Financial institutions.. Here, sign this Signature card....

[Lydia Leftcoast]

8. YESSS!

Tiberius, that should be a LTTE to the New York Times and the Washington Post.

I'm serious. Give the bastards a taste of their own medicine.

[L. Coyote]

61. Do the frikkin editorial at the WSJ!

[MrCoffee]

9. K&R

[kitkat65]

10. Payback's a bitch, literally! n/t

[Joanne98]

11. BWHAHAHA! Excellent!

[Naturyl]

12. K&R for genius (n/t)

[givemebackmycountry]

13. I got a better plan, want to see it?

Here is my plan for Wall St. as we face this current crisis...

[Critters2]

14. K&R nt

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

15. A rather sensible deal.

After all, they would do the same to us.

[barbtries]

78. they DID do the same to us

n/t

[Greyhound]

16. Excellent and about time, too. ROTFLMAO

WAKE UP AMERICA!

[Greyhound]

17. Excellent and about time, too. ROTFLMAO

WAKE UP AMERICA!

[avaistheone1]

18. So many of consumer loans, credit cards and mortgages have these draconian terms.

Well done.

I really think Congress has to play hard ball with these big financial institutions. Wall Street must think Americans are stupid if they thought the original bill was going to pass the House.

[Hardrada]

19. Kicksville

[aldo]

20. Love it!

nt

[BelgianMadCow]

21. Smash hit! Get busy peeps!!

[rateyes]

23. What's fair for the goose.....

[riverdeep]

24. A typical credit card contract was sent to an Economics Professor

at Harvard. The professor wasn't able to understand it. An MIT math professor wasn't able to understand how they arrived at some of their calculations. Clarity would only reveal how clearly you're being screwed.

[rucky]

25. Instant classic!

[ColbertWatcher]

26. Bravo! I suggest that you add some small print! n/t

[Tiberius]

29. Like...

Offer not valid in all 50 states. Terms, conditions, and interest rates subject to change at any time without notice. Borrower subject to intrusive credit, background, education, and criminal checks before issuance of loan. Upon any dispute, arbitration will be decided by someone tilted to rule in favor of taxpayers, and not by any indepedent or otherwise objective authority.

[ColbertWatcher]

34. LOL! There ya go! n/t

[Tiberius]

36. Done....

GREAT suggestion! Now, I'm going to make this sucker viral. I was just sitting there thinking of all the shenanigans these clowns pull on us, and they explain them all with such a straight face.

Latest example is that I was down to $5 in my checking account the day before payday, didn't realize it, bought something for $6 with my debit card, and incurred a $30 fee. I was overdrawn by ONE DOLLAR and incurred a THIRTY DOLLAR FEE!

Yeah, I know - I should've kept an eye on it, balanced my checkbook, known my exact balance, blah blah blah. And I wouldn't have had a problem with a $5 or even $10 fee for that. But to charge me over 1,095,000 percent annualized interest on a small loan? How is that legal?

[ColbertWatcher]

39. The bottom line is the bottom line. n/t

[malaise]

69. Send it to every newspaper and everyone of M$Greedia's blogs

It is fabulous.

[Steelworker In OH]

82. one worse...

I got completely out of banks because Huntington was not allowing my DIRECT PAYROLL DEPOSIT to go through until sometime between friday afternoon and monday morning, and my fortune 500 company was depositing my check at about 2am on friday.... I got screwed for about 3000 dollars when all was said and done. Had to tap my 401k just to pay my rent for a couple of months while this was going on last year. It's horrible that these institutions can legally do stuff like this.

[Kaleko]

102. That's criminal.

[dmr]

172. Same thing happened to me, they had my money but bounced my checks!

Everything was fine with this bank, then all of a sudden money that was directly deposited by 6p on Thursday wasn't available until Monday and one time Tuesday (not because of a Monday holiday, either).

I incurred a couple of insufficient fund fees from the bank and also from the businesses I wrote the checks. They hadn't even bothered to take the funds from my savings account, as per our agreement.

When I spoke to the bank, I was told my deposits "were at the discretion of the bookkeeper." That is a direct quote. I'll never forget it for as long as I live.

Not only that, but the bank told me they wouldn't file charges against me for fraudulently writing bad checks. "You could go to jail."

I was seeing red. I told that woman to please, please call the cops. Have me arrested. I'd love to sue your ass.

I closed that account promptly. This was a few years ago at a local Miami bank - which no longer exists. They were being creative with money that wasn't theirs to be creative with, while also making a coup in fees and fines. Multiply doing the same to others and that could make them some hefty money.

The discretion of the bookkeeper, my ass.



I'm laughing at myself because I got angry all over again just writing about it. It sure wasn't funny at the time. They not only stole money from me, they messed with my credibility!

[intheflow]

123. And you know, rich people don't incur those charges.

If you have enough money in your bank account (as determined by the banks), they will call you if you go over and ask if you'd like to transfer that overdrawn amount from any other account. My sister was married to a rich guy once, and that's what his banks did with him.

[BuelahWitch]

148. Not only that, but how they run the biggest checks first

to make sure you get several $30 fees in a row. Once I paid my rent two days before payday, knowing that the LL usually takes about a week to cash the check. Murphy's Law: this time she turned around and cashed it right away. So not only did I have insufficient funds for the rent check, but two small ones that would have easily gone through if the rent check hadn't been put through first. Now if I'm short for rent I just pay $30 to the LL for paying late.

[FiveGoodMen]

27. K&R

Nice job.

[qanda]

28. Darn it!

Error: You've already recommended that thread.

[RedLetterRev]

30. K/R and I'd love to

stick it up their butts and drive a cork in behind it.

I can wish, can't it?

[juno jones]

31. K&R! n/t

[dogindia]

32. Credit lovelies.

One can see why so many Americans are against the bank bailout. These folks are criminals. But without the bailout we all fall down the rabbit hole as there is not another system for moving business. The lIquidity thing.

Not just mortgages but credit cards need regulations. Big time.

K&R

[girl gone mad]

37. That's just speculation.

There are clear indications that smaller banks are prepared to step up and loan money.

The problems in our economy run much too deep for this 700B bailout to fix them.

[tclambert]

97. The Bailey Savings and Loan?

How did Mr. Potter become the hero of Republicans? Are we living in the world in which George Bailey was never born?

[truedelphi]

159. Check out http://tinyurl.com/3fwd9h n/t

[AdHocSolver]

66. Actually, giving $700 billion to these problematic banks will make matters worse and spur inflation.

The numbers I will use to explain the problem with the "bailout" (it is really a swindle) I got from another post on DU. I don't know how accurate they are, but they are useful as an example.

A responsible bank (possibly conforming to banking regulations when they existed) would lend out, say $12.00 for every $1.00 in "real" assets that it had. The banks that got into trouble were providing $80.00 in credit for every $1.00 in real assets. In other words, they were overleveraged.

Giving them more money (in a bailout) to lend out means that they will then be leveraged at, say, 120 to 1. They are now weaker than they were before.

Where does the government get this bailout money? They either steal it from the Social Security Trust Fund or they print more funny money. Either way, they are increasing the money supply at a time when the "real" economy is shrinking. The result is MORE inflation (too much money chasing too few goods).

Another problem is due to the fact that we import just about everything from Asia. All of this "new" money for the bailout will just be sent to China, since just about everything we buy comes from there.

The REAL SOLUTION to our economic crisis is to stop importing everything, and bring jobs back to America.

[tclambert]

100. Bailout only works if economy improves.

If the economy continues down, it creates a "positive" feedback loop (in a very negative way) with the risky loans out there. Bad economy ==> more loans fail ==> makes economy worse ==> more loans fail, etc.

If the economy improves, that is, more jobs are created and wages go up or at least hold steady, more people will be able to make payments on existing loans, and the bleeding may stop. If the job market improves enough, wages will go up and consumer confidence will go up, too. Prosperity could get us out of this mess, just like it balanced the budget back in the roaring 1990's.

And that's why we have to get Obama elected. He gets this and will do what he can to make the country prosperous, like cutting taxes for the middle class, not the top 1%. McCain would only try to shift more of the pie to fewer and fewer people, just like Bush has done. Bush was right about one thing: we need to make the pie bigger. Bush probably forgot he said that one minute after he said it. 'Cause he sure didn't do much baking afterwards.

[Tallison]

127. Spot-on analysis

Welcome to DU!

[truedelphi]

161. Excellent post. Yes! but the "side effect" of "Supply Side" economics was to

Was to eliminate the word "imports" from the discussion of economic events.

Being laid up with flu this last winter, I entertained myself with an awesome book "From Resistance to Revolution" by Pauline Maier. The founders of this country and their entire generation in months and years leading up to the Revolution in 1776 KNEW that importing was stupid, stupid, stupid! from an economic viewpoint.

Many of their top thinkers were actually secretly pleased with Great Britain's insistence on taxing the goods coming from England - it made it easier to get the public angry over what they would have opposed even without the onerous taxes.

Now we have had twenty five years of economic discussion with words like "Supply Side" economics - a theory whose central thesis is that an economy can prosper if cheap goods are increasingly made cheaper and cheaper (This might NOT have been Milton Friedman's intention - but it certainly is how his theory was twisted around to serve the Upper One Per Cent and their intention of removing the middle income person out of American life.) I mean, do you ever even hear the word "Tarif" any more??

While I was reading about Supply Side economics, I found it amusing/frightening that you can read pages and pages of remarks about that theory and never encounter the word "jobs"

But who needs Jobs in an economy domninated by banks that lend themselves money again and again? Or as Jon Stewart demonstrated one night, IF you think you are broke because you own only one dollar, remember that you can loan yourself that dollar so you have two dollars. And that can become four, and that can become eight and so on and so on. Since the banks control the money (which was not the purpose initially of banks - they wer to be the vroupiers, not the controllers of wealth) and since
they control the media and the COngress and local legislative branches, the economy was "succesfully" built on this house of cards. Until one day a slight breee blew through...

[Tallison]

126. People here don't get macroeconomics

and hence why a massive capital transfusion is necessary to the markets right now.

But your observation is appreciated here!

[kenfrequed]

33. Very amusing

I was actually thinking of posting something similar. This is far better than what I would have written.

[DearAbby]

35. Send this to the Hill....I can get behind this plan.....n/t

[MindMatter]

38. BRILLIANT !!!

Like many of you, I lost a lot of money today. I never thought I could feel so good, but today I actually believe we are near the end of the evil that Reagan started. I'm not so young anymore. I hope I live another 25 years or more to see what America should have been if it were not for what these bastards did to us the past 30 years.

[RollergirlVT]

40. K&R

There it is.

[ladywnch]

41. you forgot the part about this being a limited time offer!

they have till the end of business tomorrow to accept otherwise the low rates cannot be guaranteed.

[derby378]

42. Uh, one thing...

You forgot to ask for collateral.

The Capitol Dome will do for starters...

[yy4me]

187. Better yet, the White House. n/t

[moodforaday]

43. K&R

This deserves to stay long and high on the Greatest page. Thank you.

[Raksha]

44. K & R

[Lugnut]

45. Now we're talking.

I'd K&R this 100 times if I could.

[crickets]

46. Woohoo! K&R -nt

[krabigirl]

47. hell yeah! Now that I could support.

[MsLeopard]

48. Absolutely right!

Why didn't our elected representatives think of this?? K&R

[OmahaBlueDog]

49. This has the look of a new viral e-mail

Well done!

[chill_wind]

50. WoW. I wish someody in Congress would read that out loud for the whole world.

K & R.

[Tiberius]

51. Kicked once more

...for the evening crowd! Everyone has my permission to spread this everywhere... I'd love to get it to the media too!

[Moosepoop]

79. Thanks for kicking this for the evening crowd...

One of said crowd being me! And thanks for posting this -- it's wonderful. Kicked again (and Recommended) for the later evening crowd.

[WA98296]

52. Can someone please forward this to Congress? It must be on fire, I can't reach my Rep.

[Blue_Tires]

53. win

[TxBlue]

54. K&R

[New Dawn]

55. K&R

[lynettebro440]

56. You nailed it

send it to them. Screw them, they can have back what they have dished out.

[lonestarnot]

57. Just what I would like to see!

[jazzjunkysue]

58. Tiberius For President!

[pleah]

59. K&R

[MasonJar]

60. Sounds reasonable to me! Just like the ones we all sign, n'est pas?

I am brushing up on my French; I may move there if Palin/McCain win.

[L. Coyote]

62. REC #100.

[mdmc]

63. Of course that should all be written

in a size ten times smaller then the print in the sig line...

[malaise]

64. Facting brilliant

K & R Bravo!!

[myrna minx]

65. Excellent! K&R n/t

[Winterblues]

67. Kick

[KT2000]

68. Yessss!

Get yourself to the Colbert and Stewart's shows with this!

[PinkyisBlue]

71. Here are a couple more additions to the bailout plan:

1. The salary of the CEO and all employees of any company offered financial assistance by the U.S. taxpayer is limited to five times that of the lowest paid employee of the company, retroactive to the first of this year. If an employee has already been paid more than five times the salary of the lowest paid employee, he/she will need to forfeit this money to the bailout. If the money is not immediately forthcoming (by 2:00 pm of the fifth business day), the employee will be added to the list of Delinquent Account Holders and will be subject to the loan terms noted in items 1, 2 and 3 above.

2. All employees, including the CEO and high level officers, of any company offered financial assistance by the U.S. taxpayer will automatically be enrolled in a new Health Savings Plan, where each employee will be provided the opportunity to take ownership of his/her own health care. You will be required to open a Health Savings Account from your salary and part of this will be tax-free. You may then shop around yourself to ensure that your health care dollars are spent most wisely. If you don't have enough money for you or your family's health care needs, you may borrow additional money from the U.S. taxpayer subject to the loan terms noted in items 1, 2 and 3 above.

[TBF]

72. Kick

[AwakeAtLast]

73. I K & Rd after pt. #1, the rest were just icing on the cake!

How fast can we get this through?

[VeggieTart]

74. Hell yeah!

Now we need something to get those fat fucks to realize that golden parachutes--a.k.a. getting lots of money for fucking up a company--are a thing of the past. As long as taxpayers are on the hook for these motherfuckers, any excess compensation can go to fix the infrastructure of this country and provide universal healthcare.

I know, it's kind of off topic, but it so pisses me off that we have all this money to bail out Wall Street but no money to help the little guy.

[TahitiNut]

75. Perfect. FAX it to all you Senators and Representatives!

Send a MESSAGE!

[dmr]

173. I was just going to suggest this. I just sent a few out. n/t

[soulcore]

76. THIS plan I support! K&R!

[grannylib]

77. Works for me!

[Leftist Agitator]

80. FUCK YES!!!

This is the best thing that I have read on DU in a long, LONG time.

That plan sounds perfectly fair to me!

[rhiannon55]

81. K&R!

[Steelworker In OH]

83. Tiny print....

Great stuff. You must have read alot of fine print to come up with that one, great post. K&R

[paparush]

84. Addendum 43, Section II, Sub Paragraph 11-G

Conditional upon the immediate resignation of Henry Paulson and Ben Bernanke for gross negligence and dereliction of duty.

[Greylyn58]

85. OMG!!! Smack!!! I love it!

This is the plan we should pass on to Wall Street!!

[Child_Of_Isis]

86. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever read! eom

[michaz]

87. Perfect, now send it to them! n/t

[bread_and_roses]

88. K & R

LOL, Glad I wasn't too late to R this.

[enid602]

89. Iraq

This is a good proposal, but it really should be made conditional upon the US Government immediately ceding complete control over Iraq to the UN.

[RoccoR5955]

90. K & R... What's good for the goose, is good for the gander! n/t

[dchill]

91. This should be enacted Wednesday....

without one word changed.

[Laelth]

92. k&r

very nice.



-Laelth

[UpInArms]

93. well said!

[zeos3]

94. That was too good!!

I had to send that one out as an email. Nice work.

[kestrel91316]

95. I can hear them screaming at the thought of this now:

WE'RE MELTING..........MELLLLLLLLTING...........AAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH..........

[memory]

96. Oh my God! I LOVE it!

We had to declare Chapter 13 because my husband had cancer. Afterward we discovered our home and car insurance rates rose significantly because we were "more likely to have an accident" because of our credit rating.
Yes, I want this bill.

[mcollier]

98. WoW Derivative Collapse is at hand

Don't believe the BS about borrowers not being able to pay their mortgages. banks greed and scam in the credit default market has sold out the American People.

Don't be fooled.

Demand accountability.

[ClayZ]

99. Yeah! K and R

[puerco-bellies]

101. DUZY worthy

K&R

[Chisox08]

103. K & R

That was so beatiful I'm sending it to everyone I know.

[Dystopian]

104. WOW! Thank you!

That was great!

peace~

[mak3cats]

105. This is priceless! K & R! (n/t)

[lostnotforgotten]

106. Agree To These Terms And Maybe You Get The Loan

eom

[Waiting For Everyman]

107. Right on!!!!!!!

Oh, and btw, we're reinstating usury laws for ourselves against banks and corporate creditors.

[jemsan]

108. Sign me up!!!

[klook]

109. And by the way,

we'll be providing their contact info to all our business partners so they can send them "offers" every couple of weeks. They can opt out, but they have to submit a form in writing and renew it annually.

[TooRaLoo]

110. Would rec this daily if I could. nt

[sicksicksick_N_tired]

111. *LOL* The luxury of imagining something like that makes life worth living!!!

[scarletwoman]

112. Oh, wow. That's just beautiful! I'm speechless with admiration! k&r (nt)

[mia]

113. K &R

Best plan ever!

[Bryn]

114. Brilliant!

[undergroundpanther]

115. I Like it..A LOT.

Sent it out ,put it on myspace..etc.,Loved it!!
Tiberius deserves a DUZY AWARD!!

[SeattleVet]

116. K&R! Hope it's OK to post this on a few other boards.

I'd love to help get the word out.

[Kiwinet]

117. Brilliant!

I vote yes!

http://www.theworldwantsobama.org/

[Venceremos]

118. Kick

[That Guy 888]

119. Thanks for the much needed laugh. n/t