portraying her. It was truly priceless.
Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine ... or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread ... or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend ... if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away.
Now, where was I? (looks around the kitchen) Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! (holds chicken and cuts) Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so ... (drops knife) Crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened ... (blood squirts onto the chicken) We have never really discussed what to do.
First, we must stop the bleeding. (holds her apron over her hand) The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so ... (blood keeps squirting all over the kitchen) Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. (blood continues to squirt) Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver ... (picks up the chicken liver) Remember not to throw away the liver! (blood squirts over the chicken liver)
Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone ... (wraps towel and chicken bone around her hand) Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! (blood keeps squirting)
If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left ... (hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up) Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere ... (looks at phone) Uh-oh! This one doesn't! 9-1-1! (tries to dial the number with bloody hand but can't, blood keeps squirting) Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! (drops the phone, becoming woozy)
That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I ... had a dog named Admiral ... I used to give him liver ... and my mother gave me a doll ... (starts tipping from side to side)
Why are you all spinning ... ? Uh ... I think I'm going to go to sleep now ... Bon Appetit! ... (falls headfirst onto the counter, then jumps up one last time)
Save the liver! (falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying)
Off the subject but one of the funniest SNL bits ever. I'm sure Julia got a kick out of it too.