James Dobson and masculinity: a parody

[GaYellowDawg]

The boy's father has to do his part. He needs to mirror and affirm his son's maleness. He can play rough-and-tumble games with his son, in ways that are decidedly different from the games he would play with a little girl. He can help his son learn to throw and catch a ball. He can teach him to pound a square wooden peg into a square hole in a pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.

Now, imagine, if you will, that Dobson has founded his own set of schools. Dobson Elementary (K-8). Dobson High. Come with me on a journey to see a parent-teacher conference at Dobson Elementary... (and be warned, this goes on for some time).

TEACHER: Mr. Smith, thank you for coming in about Paul. We're having some concerns with him. Where's Mrs. Smith?

FATHER (shocked): Why, she's at home in the kitchen, of course!

TEACHER: I'm very sorry, Mr. Smith. My mistake. Sometimes we teachers get caught up in all the work and ask stupid questions.

FATHER: You're not one of those godless secular humanists that tells the little girls all of that communist evil hogwash about equality, are you?

TEACHER (coldly): Mr. Smith, I teach math and supervise the playground. I do not teach cooking or sewing, so I don't have little girls in any of my classes. Not only that, but Dr. Dobson wouldn't allow a secular humanist on school grounds, much less teach. That's why you chose Dobson Elementary, right?

FATHER: Um, I'm sorr...

TEACHER: Because if you're not confident in the godliness of Dobson Elementary or its employees, we can always let Paul explore the public school route.

FATHER: No, no!! I'm sorry! Can we just continue? I got onto the Creation Science Institute website today and I just got fired up at all the godless secular humanists that have hold of education nowadays and forgot where I was!!

TEACHER: Well, I suppose if you're going to err, err on the side of caution. That's in the Bible.

FATHER: It is? Oh, oh, yeah, it is.

TEACHER: You'd better believe it is. Everything we say here at Dobson Elementary comes straight out of the Bible, and only hellbound disbelievers would dare dispute that. Let's get back to the conference, Mr. Smith. I have a critical issue to discuss with you. A week ago, Paul was playing in the sandbox with girls, instead of with the boys. As you know, Dr. Dobson says that "A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes" is a potential sign of gender confusion.

FATHER: Gender... whaa?

TEACHER: Gender confusion. It’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years.

FATHER: Is that why Paul came home with marks on his fundament?

TEACHER: Yes, it is. I'm afraid that I had to use some disciplinary correction on Paul. You see...

FATHER: Did you use a paddle or a rod?

TEACHER: A rod. Mr. Smith, we're biblical literalists. The Bible doesn't say "spare the paddle, spoil the child."

FATHER: Excellent. Birch, maple, or pine?

TEACHER: Actually, bamboo.

FATHER: Bamboo? Isn't that foreign? Shouldn't you use an American tree? Wouldn't an American tree be more Godly?

TEACHER: Well, the Bible doesn't actually specify American or non-American, and it doesn't even specify that the rod has to come from a tree specifically. Some teachers that I know prefer metal, but I think they're too apt to bend or warp, and besides, sweaty palms cause rust. Bamboo is flexible but durable, and it stings, and we want it to sting. Reminds the little ones of Satan's whips. And the fact that bamboo can grow in America tells us that it has God's blessing.

FATHER: I'll have to look into that! I keep going through the maple ones. They tend to snap. Anyhow, I wasn't aware of what Paul did; I saw the marks and decided to just go ahead and add to them. I didn't need to hear Paul's excuses. You can't give the little ones the opportunity to commit the sin of lying.

TEACHER: Well, that's admirable, but I think it set you up for a shock. Do you know what gender confusion is?

FATHER: Is it where boys are confused about, um... no, I don't know.

TEACHER: It's when boys think they might want to be girls.

FATHER: What the fuu....uuudge? Perdition, that can't be true! Not my Paul! I swear to you, I'll beat it out of him!

TEACHER: Well, we've already given him two spankings. What alarmed me was that after that, he was chased around today by some bigger boys calling him all of the offically endorsed Dobson slang names for homosexual.

FATHER: What! You tell me who they are and I'll go stomp on their fathers and teach them to let their boys come after mine!

TEACHER: No, no, no, Mr. Smith. I'm afraid that this is actually Paul's fault.

FATHER: Wait... how... what?

TEACHER: Obviously Paul gave off the wrong signals or said something. We do encourage the older boys to serve as role models by playing "Smear the Queer." That way, they get to have wholesome fun and we are able to pinpoint our problem boys. Two birds with one stone.

FATHER: Two birds... one stone... that's biblical, right?

TEACHER: And it's American, too, so you just know it's Godly. Anyhow, Paul got beaten up three times during recess, and it's all his fault. If there's just one beating we can pass it off as harmless fun but your boy sparked three of them. That means he's a potential problem.

FATHER: Well, don't you worry. I'll get some bamboo and wear it out of him.

TEACHER: Actually, I'd like to propose some further steps.

FATHER: Further steps? You mean a good, old-fashioned whuppin' isn't good enough anymore? No offense, but that sounds kind of liberal to me.

TEACHER: If you say the "l" word ONE MORE TIME this conference is done and you'll get to see how Paul fares at that hellbound public elementary school across town.

FATHER (chastened): I'm very sorry.

TEACHER: All right. Now, what I'm going to propose involves some tough love.

FATHER (eagerly): Oh, okay, then! I'm all about tough love.

TEACHER: Great! Now, there are a number of steps here. What's the first thing that you do when you see Paul every day?

FATHER: Well, I hug him.

TEACHER (wincing): Noooooo, Mr. Smith. That's just too feminine. What you need to do is tackle him.

FATHER: Tackle him?

TEACHER: Tackle him. Dr. Dobson says that "rough-and-tumble games" help establish male identity. So tackle him.

FATHER (writing): Taa...ckle... him. OK, so how long does this need to go on?

TEACHER: Oh, it's a permanent change. What we need to worry about are two things. First, if he cries, you have to correct that kind of feminine reaction immediately. Smack him upside the head, just as you would with normal crying. Second, I'll keep an eye on him here at school.

FATHER: OK. But I want to know the whole range of treatment so that I can be prepared on short notice.

TEACHER: Good man. If he doesn't respond the way we want him to, after 3 or 4 days, you'll need to wait about an hour. Then sneak up on him, shout "Think quick!" and tag him with a ball.

FATHER: What kind of ball?

TEACHER: Oh, I wouldn't recommend anything harder than one of those red dodgeballs. We don't want to break any bones or make any major bruises. Those damned-to-hell liberal social workers can take kids away for that. I've seen it. Very sad. The kids usually turn away from the straight and narrow path. Say they're "happy." Nonsense. Anyhow, dodgeballs. After he develops better reflexes you can move up to a basketball.

FATHER: What about a football?

TEACHER: Mmmm... okay, as long as you remember that a nice tight spiral doesn't have to be a bullet pass. Just don't lob it in there. Not manly enough.

FATHER: Okay, great. (writing) Peg... him... with... dodge... ball. What's next?

TEACHER: Well, what kind of tools do you have?

FATHER: Hammers, drills, screwdrivers, the 300-piece Craftsman socket wrench set...

TEACHER: Okay, you're well stocked. What I want you to do is to have your son hammer pegs.

FATHER: All RIGHT!! Manly!! For a minute there I thought you were going to have me smack him with the hammer (writing) ham... mer... pegs.

TEACHER: No, that's for teenagers. Okay, hmmm... so that's tackling, ball, hammer. Okay, there's one more thing, but it really is for emergencies only.

FATHER: Go ahead and tell me.

TEACHER: Get him to follow you to the shower, and show him your penis.

FATHER: My WHAT?!?

TEACHER: Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't get up. Unclench your fists. Dr. Dobson himself recommends this.

FATHER: Okay, I gotta hear this.

TEACHER: Well, you see, if you take your son with you into the shower, Paul can't help but notice that you have a penis, just like his, only bigger.

FATHER: Oh. I see. So the big penis... that's the key?

TEACHER: Yes. That's where your boy learns that a big penis is manly. He will see himself as manly. Then he'll reject playing with girls and gravitate to boys.

FATHER: Um, isn't that what we're worried about in the first place?

TEACHER: No, no, no. The penis will identify him as male. That way, he's sure of his own gender. Then, as you know, with the constant emphasis that we place on showing man-woman couples, we can encourage him to think of women as proper sex objects. That's before we forbid him all contact with women until marriage.

FATHER: OK, that makes sense... but there's kind of a problem.

TEACHER: What kind of problem?

FATHER (whispering): A penis problem.

TEACHER: What kind of penis problem?

FATHER: SHHHH! (whispering) Size.

TEACHER: Oh, too big is not a problem, Mr. Smith!

FATHER: No, um, it's kind of the opposite. You see, I tend to take cold showers in the morning so that I can perform my husbandly duties in the evening without committing, um, sin on myself. And in a cold shower...

TEACHER: Well, you're going to have to take a hot shower for your boy.

FATHER: Um, it's still a problem.

TEACHER: Really?

FATHER: Really. You've got to help me, I don't want to be a bad model for my son!! Should I, um, maybe, get it, um, started?

TEACHER: Can you stop it halfway?

FATHER: Absolutely. In fact, it's kind of uncommon for it to be all the way... um...

*uncomfortable silence*

TEACHER: Well, as long as it's halfway. You know if you spill any seed it's a sin. And don't think of anyone except your wife.

FATHER: One more question.

TEACHER: Go ahead.

FATHER: Well, you may have noticed that Paul is crosseyed. And very nearsighted.

TEACHER: Yeah, I sure have. I sit him at the front of the class so that he doesn't have to look at objects that are far away or on his periphery.

FATHER: OK, then, I'm afraid that what with the steam and the cross eyes and the near sightedness he won't, well, see it clearly.

TEACHER: This calls for some thinking.

FATHER: I know! I'll just smack him on the forehead with it! He won't miss it then!

TEACHER (dubiously): Well, I don't know. Hmmm. Okay, but just be careful to hit ONLY the forehead. You don't want to poke him in the eye with it and if you hit him in the mouth you could undo everything.

FATHER: Okay, then. Tackle, ball, hammer, smack... him... in... the... fore... head. Got it.

TEACHER: Well, thanks for coming in, Mr. Smith. I think we're sure to see the kind of improvement we want to see with little Paul.

FATHER: Yeah, and it'll be kind of fun roughing up the little guy!! Thanks for the help!

[Hubert Flottz]

1. Father: BTW...where are all the little girls?

When you let fundies run the government you have IRAN...

[and-justice-for-all]

2. That is great! nt

[Gabi Hayes]

3. I think they pulled that link from his FOF site. I got to it earlier today, but

it's not reachable now

maybe the traffic is too heavy into the stall

Larry Craig in there?