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Sometimes people tell me that my ideas are a bit outside of the mainstream, but I am determined to change that. I have been reading a lot of blogs which refer to the “mainstream media” lately, and I have realized that if I want to be closer to the mainstream I can just model my life after one of our esteemed pundits.
The first step I will take in becoming more mainstream is to stop writing blogs, and instead get a job in which I can make millions by sitting around the table with guys who wear bowties and have really strong opinions.
Of course once I have a job as a mainstream pundit I will have to change my positions to adapt to mainstream thinking. I can’t spend any more of my time worrying about how wages are going down in this country, because the average American does not care that they are not making enough to pay their bills. Mainstream Americans are not concerned about wages; they are only concerned with ensuring that their boss doesn’t have to pay any capital gains taxes. Most Americans don’t care if their employers are ripping them off, just as long as their boss is rich as hell they are happy.
And then there is that damn issue of the environment. Mainstream Americans don’t care about clean air or water, they just want to make sure that industry doesn’t have to spend any money cleaning up the mess they make. It doesn’t matter if the water they drink is polluted, because mainstream Americans want polluted water. Taste tests show that Americans love the extra tangy flavor which comes from the water pumped downstream from the factory farm feedlot, and Americans would be outraged if they had to give up that flavor just because some environmentalist demands that factory farms stop dumping cow shit in the rivers.
Of course we can’t focus entirely on domestic issues and we don’t really give a shit about the economy or environmental concerns of other nations, so to be a mainstream pundit I have to have some understanding of foreign policy as well. Fortunately for us mainstream pundits there is really only one question that we need to be concerned about when it comes to foreign policy; which country do we bomb next?
For those of us in the mainstream media the answer to that question is clear; we must follow the advice of our maverick hero John McCain and bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb Iran . Some people say that Iran has Weapons of Mass Destruction, and if we don’t bomb the hell out of them America will be attacked by terrorists. Don’t worry though the Iranian people will be happy if we bomb their homes, they will be dancing in the streets and handing out flowers to our troops to celebrate the destruction of their cities. We know that is going to happen because everyone that our mainstream pundits will allow on the air believes it is going to happen, and even if all of us are wrong it doesn’t matter because we will be wearing flag lapel pins and telling people that we support the troops.
I am so proud to be joining the mainstream media because as a pundit I can really have an understanding of how people in the mainstream think. While I sit in the back of my limo dining on caviar and premium red wine, I can sit and think about how those latte drinking liberals that drive Volvos are elitists that are out of touch with ordinary Americans.
Once I join the mainstream media I will know that I am in touch with ordinary Americans because as we all know mainstream Americans think exactly like pundits, and that is why we call it the mainstream media.
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