And now, the latest weapon in the war on terra -- Muzak!

[KamaAina]

No, I'm not kidding. Honest!

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/annearundel/bal-security0428,0,858047.story?track=rss

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today unveiled a new checkpoint screening system being tested at Baltimore-Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport and announced other measures to make the process of providing identification at check-in less hectic for travelers.

The $2.1 million pilot at BWI, called "Checkpoint Evolution," includes enhanced X-ray machines to better scan carry-ons and whole-body imaging machines that show potentially hazardous objects that may be concealed under a passenger's clothing. The checkpoint makeover also includes more than $300,000 in aesthetic improvements -- soft lighting, calming music, better signage and an automatic bin return system -- to create order to allow Transportation Security Administration officers to better detect jittery perpetrators trying to pass through the line.

But what if the Muzak itself makes you nervous? :shrug:

[MannyGoldstein]

1. I Confess.

To anything.

Just shut it off.

[Mojambo]

2. GAME.OVER

We win.

[Jed Dilligan]

3. This is like the program in Vallejo where they drove off the corner boys

by playing Kenny G at loud volume all the time.

[lib2DaBone]

4. Riding on the Muzak Elevator....2008

Step in to the Elevator of Life... stare straight ahead as the little floor numbers flicker before your eyes.. a world of sight and sound...you are stuck in the ..."MUZAK ZONE"!....ahhhhhhh



Starland Vocal Band "Afternoon Delight"
This is a sickeningly sweet song about having sex in the daytime, and yet, it couldn't be more libido-killing and unsexy. "Skyrockets in flight" is a such a neat euphemism for an erection...NEXT!

America or Captain & Tenille "Muskrat Love"
I don't care who was responsible for this song, but aside from the most hilariously awful silly lyrics in any classic pop song ("Nibbling on bacon, chewing on cheese/Sam says to Suzie, 'Honey, would you please be my Mrs?'"), I have to thank the Captain & Tenille and their soft piano-based version for actually trying to take this baloney SERIOUSLY! This is a song that should be on "Sesame Street," not the f*cking pop charts. NEXT!

Tony Orlando & Dawn "Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round The Ole Oak Tree)"
Why the hell did yellow ribbons get so damn popular?! This is a song all about a convict coming home to see the woman he loves, not running off from her to fight in Vietnam! I guess when you set it to a country beat, the yokels are bound to take it to heart and start tying yellow ribbons around everything, even power line poles. It's a shame nobody got electrocuted in the process. NEXT!

Morris Albert "Feelings"
"Feelings, nothing more than feelings/Trying to forget my feelings of love."
NEEEEEEXXXXXXTTTT!!!!

Paul Anka "Having My Baby"
As I close this painful pack of pitiful pop songs, I leave you with this classic number, and its timeless message to all the beautiful girls in the world: nothin' says lovin' like getting knocked up and telling your boyfriend about it. Now that's where the romance is!

[Turbineguy]

5. OK, OK,

I vill sign zee papeur.....

[Bright Eyes]

6. It's just calming music.....laced with subliminal messages.

"Questions are UnAmerican....Liberals hate America.....Shop Wal-Mart"

[varelse]

7. Muzak puts me in a homicidal mood

good thing I never fly anywhere.