SparkyMacs Investments Service opens for business

[SparkyMac]

After watching these large brokerage firms operate for 30 years, I've decided that the way to die rich is to join them.

I've decided to open my own investment counseling service. I'm restricting my clientele to men -- reasons for this will become obvious later. I'm also going to do two other things the large houses won't do.

(1) I am going to admit up front that I can't make a small investor any money. Not one red cent. So he should keep his money safely deposited in the bank where it belongs. At least he will have something when he retires.

(2) Bearing in mind that most small investors are either crazy or masochistic, I'm going to offer a special service to my local clients. Once a month I shall come to the front door of their house, apartment or double wide -- and when the door opens -- I'll kick them in the nuts. That way they can continue to enjoy the same pain they have been experiencing with the Brokerage houses but with no accompanying loss of money.

For a few additional dollars, I will offer my Premium subscribers a special service. That is that any time they get an urge to buy common stock -- they can call my private number. And I -- laying aside all other business and sparing no expense -- will rush to their front door and administer an especially hard kick. Which ought to serve to take the place of that painful thrill they usually get from owning shares in an over-priced over-rated corporation.

First off all, I'll need a heavy pair of shoes.