my 112th ltte-please proofread

[w8liftinglady]

The number of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans seeking treatment for PTSD from the Veterans’ Administration has risen 70%,20,000,in the 12 months ending June 30,2007. More than 100,000 veterans — about one out of seven of those who have served and left active duty — have sought help for mental illness since late 2001, the start of the war in Afghanistan.This does not count Active duty troops,or those who have sought treatment from other sources.
The overall number of mental health cases among war veterans grew by nearly 60 percent from 63,767 on June 30, 2006, to 100,580 on June 30, 2007, VA records show. The mental health issues include PTSD, drug and alcohol dependency and depression.
This is indicative of a larger problem,one caused by fatigue,long,repeated periods of separation from families,and lies told to justify this war.Our servicemen feel betrayed by the government that they swore to protect and defend.Our representatives have not done a good job of “Supporting Our Troops” by allowing infinite deployments and stop-loss to exist,and by failing to fund the Veterans’ Administration adequately in anticipation of 1.5 million new veterans.And we,America,have failed them.We have failed to hold our elected officials responsible for this fiasco.We have turned our heads to the ugliness that is death and war.We wave a flag and consider our job done.There are two organizations I belong to,and would invite you to explore.The Veterans for America(www.veteransforamerica.org) and National Coalition for Homeless Veterans(www.nchv.org) both address the wounds of war,both visable and invisible.Please,help our veterans by supporting their sacrifice with treatment,and not just a yellow ribbon.

[TomInTib]

1. OK, here's mine...

"70%, an increase of 20,000,"

"have sought help for psychological problems" (trust me, w8l, vets don't like the term 'mental illness')

How about "And we, as a Nation" or "we, as Americans"?


Bully for you, lady. Keep on grinding.

[A HERETIC I AM]

2. One space after a comma, two spaces after a period.

Suggest in the first sentence, saying "has risen 70%, up 20,000 in the 12 months..."etc.

Take out the dashes - in sentence two and use commas.

Otherwise, very nicely written.

[patrice]

3. I especially like! how you call Us to account, without pulling your punches.

You strongly accomplish one of the most important tasks without outright (and intentionally) insulting people.

"We have turned our heads to the ugliness that is death and war.We wave a flag and consider our job done.There are two organizations I belong to,and would invite you to explore.The Veterans for America(www.veteransforamerica.org ) and National Coalition for Homeless Veterans(www.nchv.org ) both address the wounds of war,both visable and invisible.Please,help our veterans by supporting their sacrifice with treatment,and not just a yellow ribbon."

I do write for a living (and have taught writing also), so here are just a couple of recommendations:
Active voice focuses the images you evoke: "We turn our heads from the ugliness that is death and war . . . . " This also good because it parallels the active voice that you do use in your next sentence "We wave a flag and . . . ."

Wherever fewer words are possible, go with fewer words in order to proactively avoid confusion: "I belong to two organizations that I invite you to explore . . . ."

Consider changing the construction ". . . both address the wounds . . . both visable and . . .", i.e. both . . . both, for something less repetitive and more economical: ". . . both address the visable and invisible wounds of war . . . " Using "both" the first time to modify/describe the organizations suggests that its repetition, "both", the second time is also modifying the same noun (and it isn't; the second "both" modifys a different noun, "wounds").

W8liftinglady, I Thank You for myself and all of the Military in my family for the depth of your commitment so obviously demonstrated in this your 112th(!!) ltte.

[roody]

4. Spell check "visable" and no comma after please.

[Whisp]

5. line spaces after paragraphs.

for my eyes anyway. makes for much easier reading.

great ltte, thank you.

===
The number of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans seeking treatment for PTSD from the Veterans’ Administration has risen 70%, THAT IS 20,000 in the 12 months ending June 30,2007. More than 100,000 veterans — about one out of seven of those who have served and left active duty — have sought help for mental illness (TAKE MENTAL ILLNESS RIGHT OUT) since late 2001 WHICH WAS the start of the war in Afghanistan. This does not count Active duty troops,or those who have sought treatment from other sources.

The overall number of mental health cases among war veterans grew by nearly 60 percent from 63,767 on June 30, 2006, to 100,580 on June 30, 2007, VA records show. The mental health issues include PTSD, drug and alcohol dependency and depression.

This is indicative of a larger problem (–) one caused by fatigue, long, repeated periods of separation from families,and lies told to justify this war.Our servicemen feel betrayed by the government that they swore to protect and defend.Our representatives have not done a good job of “Supporting Our Troops” by allowing infinite deployments and stop-loss to exist,and by failing to fund the Veterans’ Administration adequately in anticipation of 1.5 million new veterans.

And we,America,have failed them.

We have failed to hold our elected officials responsible for this fiasco.We have turned our heads to the ugliness that is death and war.We wave a flag and consider our job done.There are two organizations I belong to (NO COMMA NEEDED) and would invite you to explore: (COLON)The Veterans for America(www.veteransforamerica.org ) and National Coalition for Homeless Veterans(www.nchv.org ) both address the wounds of war,both visable and invisible.

Please,help our veterans by supporting their sacrifice with treatment,and not just a yellow ribbon.

==
I've capped what I may think may be good edits. Got to generally watch those spaces after the .'s and stuff.

[annabanana]

6. A wonderful letter, dear lady, and a bunch of

good hints in the thread on how to simplify & punch up your vital message!

[w8liftinglady]

7. Thanks,guys-I had a head injury Friday,and haven't been quite "Right" since then.

[w8liftinglady]

8. ok,hopefully better this time

The number of Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans seeking treatment for PTSD from the Veterans’ Administration has risen 70%, THAT IS 20,000 in the 12 months ending June 30,2007. More than 100,000 veterans -about one out of seven of those who have served and left active duty -have sought help for psychological disorders since late 2001- which was the start of the war in Afghanistan. This does not count Active duty troops,or those who have sought treatment from other sources.

The overall number of mental health cases among war veterans grew by nearly 60 percent from 63,767 on June 30, 2006, to 100,580 on June 30, 2007, VA records show. The mental health issues include PTSD, drug and alcohol dependency and depression.

This is indicative of a larger problem -one caused by fatigue, long, repeated periods of separation from families,and lies told to justify this war.Our servicemen feel betrayed by the government that they swore to protect and defend.Our representatives have not done a good job of "Supporting Our Troops"by allowing infinite deployments and stop-loss to exist,and by failing to fund the Veterans’ Administration adequately in anticipation of 1.5 million new veterans.

And we,America,have failed them.

We have failed to hold our elected officials responsible for this fiasco.We have turned our heads to the ugliness that is death and war.We wave a flag and consider our job done.There are two organizations I belong to and would invite you to explore: The Veterans for America(www.veteransforamerica.org ) and National Coalition for Homeless Veterans(www.nchv.org ) both address the wounds of war,both visable and invisible.

[annabanana]

9. Very nice.

Succint, powerful and compelling..

let 'er rip!

[w8liftinglady]

10. thanks.I am grateful for my Repub editor ...

who hasn't lost his integrity.He has printed almost every letter i have written.I promised Monkeyman I would write one a week until the troops came home.