The Different Species of Right-Wing Mind

[WilliamPitt]

There are several species.

Decentus Candefendideasicus: my grandfather belonged to this species. He was an Irish Catholic rock-ribbed old-school conservative, and was the best man I have ever known in my life...and he could defend all of his beliefs seamlessly. I didn't agree, but you have to respect a mind at work.

Uninformedus Minimus: the least dangerous of the three types of Uninformedus, the Minimus doesn't really follow the news unless the guys on his favorite shock-jock/sports-talk radio show happen to get into a topic. Minimus is a good person, works hard, and is "right-wing" because that's the default position for a brain that doesn't know any better.

Uninformedus Maximus: This species has sharper teeth but is still not too bright. An avid fan of Fox news, Savage, Scarborough and Jay Severin, Maximus also secretly loves Rush, but can't tell that to his Maximus buddies, because they think Rush is passe...even though they listen to him, too. Maximus appears to be fierce upon first encounter, but it becomes quickly obvious that his only defenses are lame Bill-O lines, "liberal media" cracks and a transparent "I'm a Libertarian" camoflauge that everyone can see through. Somehow thinks war is peace.

Uninformedus Berzerkus Rex: Masturbates to Ann Coulter, legitimately fantasizes about being a Minuteman shooting Mexicans down on the border, loves the war but believes he serves his country by sticking it to the liberals on the home front, is totally dysfunctional in any social setting, hasn't had a date since Winger went platinum, loves FreeRepublic, is despised by his co-workers, sleeps on sheets that smell like Satan's Own Asshole, thinks all gay people should be executed, and is generally the poster child for the value of childhood diagnoses of severe anti-social potentially-violent mental disorders...oh, yeah, and he can prove that Hillary had Vince Foster whacked by Janet Reno's trigger-men.

Fetusis Firstis: A simple breed. Votes straight-line anti-choice. Period. Supports the death penalty. Thinks G.W. Bush is on armchair-to-armchair relations with God. And is part of the single most dependable voting bloc in the history of democracy.

Biggus Buckus: Very few have seen this one. It lives in the rarefied air reserved for creatures with at least twelve digits to the left of the decimal on their bank statement. CEO of a defense corporation, or oil concern, or both. These creatures know what the real deal is, and use all the other species as useful idiot shock-troops to keep everyone distracted about gay marriage and abortion and the Ten Commandments and the like, while they make sure there will always be war and that they will always get paid.

http://journals.democraticunderground.com/WilliamPitt/3...

[NanceGreggs]

1. And lovin' it ...

"Thinks G.W. Bush is on armchair-to-armchair relations with God."

Best line in a GREAT piece!

[WilliamPitt]

4. I stole it from Stephen King.

[NanceGreggs]

10. Shhhhhhhhhhh ...

... I won't tell a soul.

I wouldn't have guessed; it all the earmarks of a classic Pittism!

[gateley]

9. Great! K&R nt

[redqueen]

2. Winger went PLATINUM?

[Missy M]

3. What a great, funny piece.....

they all drive me crazy but the species who get me crazy the most is, Uninformedus Berzerkus Rex, I seem to run into lots of those.

[havocmom]

5. NOW I will say:

Welcome back, Will Pitt.

[Prophet 451]

6. Love it, have a rec n/t

[BostonMa]

7. OMG! Pure GENIUS again from our GURU!!!!

Recommended!

[AntiFascist]

8. The most dangerous of all...

Ad Hominem Dominionum, related to Fetusis Firstis, they believe that Armegeddon is right around the corner and God will come to Rapture them away, leaving all others behind to burn on a nuclear and climate ravaged planet.

[Mythsaje]

11. Great stuff...

Kicked and Recommended.

[Irishonly]

12. I Am Glad You Are Back

This is perfect, just perfect.

[BostonMa]

13. \"Thinks G.W. Bush is on armchair-to-armchair relations with God.\" GENIUS

It reads better the second time, Sir!

[malaise]

14. Another winner

K & R. I'm sending this to some people

[KamaAina]

15. Brainius Deadicus

a hybrid of Fetusis firstis and Uninformedus maximus or U. berzerkus rex.

Thinks Terri Schiavo had more functioning brain cells than the "DemonRat" Congress, the liberal-dominated (sic) media, or France. Gives new meaning to the phrase "Jesus H. Christ on a trailer hitch!"

[LSK]

16. K&R

Scary that I know people personally who fit in these categories.

[AntiFascist]

17. oh, ew......Homo Always Erectus....

Larry Craig, et. al.

[baldguy]

18. I think Uninformedus is, um ... "evolving" into a new species Fasces

Will willingly kill anyone who opposes them.

[AntiFascist]

32. What's all this about feces?

[Bluebear]

33. Oh. Well that's quite different. Never mind.

Bitch.

[Odin2005]

19. I'be been seeing #2s and #3s turning into #1s a lot lately.

At least in my neck of the woods. Folks are waking up. Turns out that there are a lot of "conservatives" that really really economic progressives that are conservative on social issues.

Great Post, BTW!

[Canuckistanian]

20. Man, what's got into you?

You're a postin' FOOL now. Angling for a DUZY, or what?

Great stuff.

K&R

[WilliamPitt]

21. Looks like I picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

[byronius]

22. KICK.

[_dynamicdems]

23. K&R!

I'd rec this one twice, but it would give me the "Error: You've already recommended this post" message.

[LeftishBrit]

24. Great stuff - k&r

A few British variants, with a great deal of interbreeding and cross-fertilization:

Taxophobius Thatcheritus: Obsessed with the evils of taxes, and would much rather see all public services run to the ground than pay a penny more in tax. Considers that if people are poor it's their own fault for not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps and becoming entrepreneurs. Worships the memory of Milton Friedman. Closely related to the American species Taxophobius Reaganomicus.


Hangmannicus Nostalgicus: This person has a simple explanation for crime: we don't punish people violently enough. Locking 'em all up to the tune of the last Tory government's favourite expresssion "Prison works!" is OK, but really nothing like as enjoyable as hanging 'em all and flogging 'em all. Since Britain formally abolished the Rope 40 years ago and the Birch even longer ago, this is difficult to achieve nowadays, but its still possible to daydream about it, and talk nostalgically and with alarming relish about how the Rope and Birch would vastly improve modern society. Nothing like enjoying sadistic fantasies AND feeling virtuous about them at the same time!


Xenophobius Bigotticus. This is our most venomous native species, and 'native' is the key word. To such people, there is nothing worse than an Immigrant, and Immigrants include some people whose grandparents were born in this country. They hate all people who aren't white, and many people who are. Their main wish in life is to Send 'Em All Back Where They Came From. According to them, Immigrants and Asylum Seekers are responsible for all the country's problems, except for a few that can be blamed on The Evil Europaean Union. Their delusions are fuelled by the dangerous and addictive drug commonly known as Dailymailium.

[leftofthedial]

25. sadly, the first species is now extinct

eliminated by the putting into practice of their own ideology

[WilliamPitt]

26. No.

I meet them every now and again...and this shit has nothing to do with their ideology.

[leftofthedial]

27. no tax, pro-business, pro-wealthy,

anti-social security, anti-labor, pro-war-industry, socially restrictive . . .

uh, what part of the American conservative ideology did I miss? Or was grandad a libertarian?

The American conservative movement has almost always been carryover monarchists from the revolution and those they could bamboozle with some libertarian icing on the shit cake.

[WilliamPitt]

29. Your reading list is out of date.

[leftofthedial]

34. story of my life

haven't been in a bookstore since Thursday . . . LOL

[shaniqua6392]

28. Fantastic as usual, Will Pitt.

This one made me laugh!! I do believe I will print this out and put it up on the refrigerator, if you don't mind. It will be right next to pics of my kids, my dogs, and my big magnet that says, "My child is an honor student...But my President is a moron"!! Thanks for the laugh. We really need to remember to laugh..especially now.

[WilliamPitt]

30. My pleasure.

I'm honored indeed to be pinned up in such excellent company.



Thanks.

[BostonMa]

31. .