I'm going to spill..

[stillcool]

an old lady died recently. She raised me. When I got the call, the first words out of my mouth were..thank God. I am finally free. It seems I've been waiting for that call my entire adult life. It's not that I hate, it's not that I don't understand, it's not that I can't forgive. I just can't go back. Those feelings did not last long. I thought I'd broken all ties to that past, but it turns out the ties that bind me are made of elastic. The further away I get the more it stings when I get snapped back. Why is it that when death visits all those that went before come back? My interest in politics...the world that spins around me...began as a way to make sense of life, and people, and why we do the things we do. And, I've learned a lot. About the effects of war on the human spirit, and the consequences of those consequences. That we human beings are all the same, what we see in others is inherent in us all. That what you put in, is what you get out. That the choices I make every day... who I want to be, how I want to act, what I want to focus on, how I choose to talk to others, how I allow others words to affect me...those choices can unleash my own war or bring me peace. Oh yeah, and one other thing..words are important. Words last lifetimes.

[MadMaddie]

1. It is good when burdons are lifted off of your shoulders

May you enjoy your life and the wonderful moments it presents.

[angstlessk]

2. It is said..."freedom is not free" we all pay a price for our freedom be

it not crying at a loved ones funeral beacuse they not only did not free us, but they held us back. It probably happens more often than not? Humans, after all, are an imperfect species.

[eleny]

3. Just a little something...

:hug:

[stillcool]

4. thanks...

I needed that! :hi:

[kitty44]

5. My sympathies...

...as you sort out your conflicting emotions.

Thanks so much for your honesty!

[H2O Man]

6. The death of someone

we have known, even from our past, is painful. And it can be painful in many different ways, including bringing up conflicted feelings. That's normal .... or, if there really isn't such thing as "normal," it is okay.

[Gregorian]

7. We are one.

For some reason your post sounds like something that has been going on in my head lately. If I inserted right here the story, it would take some time. Parents who I hated. But then after Bush got into office, realized were actually very very good people. Just not good parents. But not bad parents. And then my cat died. I loved him more than any human I've ever known. And then I realized that life isn't, not infinite, but permanent. And that there will be a time when I will find that I will finally discover what it's like to live without that person I hated. And then what. Will I miss them. Will I find out that my hate was in me. Will I... Something changed in your life. Now you are at that other place. On that other side. And who knew what it would be like. Now I also realize that it's best to be careful. What we do just might also reside within us. Not just like throwing something away. I'll tell you, I cry every other day now. I haven't cried in twenty years. Something changed. I guess the only thing I can say is that it's like a wave of time. Try to keep on going on.

Also I might add something that might make all of what I'm saying even more ridiculous than it already sounds. But if we really are unique people, then do we really just vaporize and disappear? I don't think so. Keep in mind that things might be more permanent than they seem.

And I apologize if this is meaningless babble. Something in your post really resonates with me.

[stillcool]

10. my cat...

died a few weeks ago. Her sister is still looking for her. So, I guess I'm already in a weird place. My real parents died a long time ago...And yet it seems as long as I breathe, they will never die. This one has taken me by surprise...the same people and places I've been running away from are all right here. What I feel most is afraid. I've been hiding for a long time. Someone once told me that 'thou shalt not kill' really means that you can't kill...makes perfect sense.

[Wiley50]

8. A year and a bit ago, my mom died

I last saw her a week before she died
She didn't know me.
She was suffering in pain so much
even through the morphine
She had lapsed into something not human anymore
She had regressed into a wild animal

She had sought help from a church the last year or so
even though she had nevver attended church before as an adult.
They assigned an old fundy wingnut lady to look after her affairs.
They chased me, an admitted atheist, away, out of contact
until the very end

That old crazy fundy wingnut woke me up at 4 am the day mom died
and in a loud fruitcake euphoria proclaimed,
" Dorothy has passed into god's hands, she is now with the lord"

"U huh"

[GeorgeGist]

9. you have a way to go ...

before you're free. Pity the old lady if she was an obstacle and get beyond her.