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John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011 (The Onion)

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Sapphire Blue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 12:16 PM
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John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011 (The Onion)
John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011
July 16, 2007 | Issue 4329

AMES, IAIn an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office.

"Many bad things are not just badthey're terrible," said a beaming Edwards, whose "Only the Good Things" proposal builds upon previous efforts to end poverty, outlaw startlingly loud noises, and offer tax breaks to those who smile frequently. "Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely."

According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad thingsplights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancerwould take a full two years to wipe out.

"Racism will soon be a thing of the past," Edwards said. "Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated."

(snip)

Republican front-runner Rudolph Giuliani attacked Edwards Tuesday for labeling things as bad when they may actually turn out to be good in the long run.

"Is 'shooting' always a bad thing?" Giuliani said. "I think such a position would undercut not only our soldiers in Iraq, but also law enforcement officers who put their lives on the line every day, not to mention our basic Second Amendment rights."


Continued @ http://www.theonion.com/content/news/john_edwards_vows_...


:P

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Dollface Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 12:24 PM
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1. But what about kittens, there should be kittens...
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jsamuel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 12:35 PM
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2. Subsidies for kittens!!!
When do we want it? NOW!
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Dollface Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 01:19 PM
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3. That would be under the... Kitten Clause? Groan. Sorry
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unc70 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 04:03 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. Elizabeth was talking about getting another puppy (CSPAN)
At the end of some event in NH, CSPAN had part of her conversation with some local supporters that included a couple of minutes about getting another puppy.


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Toasterlad Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-16-07 06:31 PM
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5. The Onion ALWAYS Delivers.
I'm not planning to vote for Edwards, but if he can provide more details about his plan to eliminate games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner, I could be persuaded.

Side note: check out the link to the Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress, on the same page. It's from February, but it's especially, eerily appropriate now.
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