You're on a desert island. Your family will be killed unless you sleep with a Republican candidate.

[Bucky]

Poll question: You're on a desert island. Your family will be killed unless you sleep with a Republican candidate.

Hypothetical updated, see below


In response to the mind-numbing new MSM meme that Fred Thompson is a good smellin' hunk of manflesh who will turn out the ladies' vote, I offer the following Doomsday scenario.

You're on a desert island. Your family will be killed unless you sleep with a Republican candidate. You can say "Ew, I'd reather not sleep with any of them," but if you say that, all of your family will be killed in a scorpion pit built in a high rise elevator in free-fall built in a burning 90 story chicken factory with asbestos ceilings. And if you don't like your family all that much, there are some adorable puppy dogs on that elevator, too.

But if you have sex with one of the 2008 Republican candidates, they'll all be okay.

The trick: it can't be quick sex, so Ron Paul is out of the running. It has to be slow tender passionate love making, missionary style, followed by at least ten minutes of cuddling, during which the Republican gets to talk about how his career is going.

So... who do you pick?


NOTE to all you family killers. I'm changing the hypothetical. If you DON'T make sweet whoopee with one of the 2008 candidates listed below, the Republican nominee will win next year as well. And the puppies will STILL die!

Poll result (53 votes)
John McCain	(5 votes, 9%)	Vote
Rudy Giuliani (assume everything's working for this hypothetical)	(4 votes, 8%)	Vote
Fred Thompson	(3 votes, 6%)	Vote
Mitt Romney	(28 votes, 53%)	Vote
Duncan Hunter	(2 votes, 4%)	Vote
Tom Tancredo	(1 votes, 2%)	Vote
Tommy Thompson	(1 votes, 2%)	Vote
Sam Brownback	(3 votes, 6%)	Vote
Mike Huckabee	(4 votes, 8%)	Vote
Jim Gilmore	(2 votes, 4%)	Vote

[monmouth]

1. Poor, poor family.....eom

[Hissyspit]

2. I feel sad that my family is dead. n/t

[rec_report]

77. LOLOLOL!!!!

n/t

[MNDemNY]

3. Sorry family.

[Bucky]

14. C'mon you cynical bastards! think about the puppies! You gotta save the puppies.

[badgerpup]

91. But...but...

I'm a cat person...and my family certainly wouldn't have sex with any of the Democratic candidates to save my ass...

[rhiannon55]

4. Ewwww!!!! Buh-bye family!

Love ya and all, but ewwwww!!!!!

[Sapere aude]

5. See we have family values here. No illicit sex with repukes.

[porphyrian]

6. That is so fucked up. - n/t

[redqueen]

7. lounge. n/t

[name not needed]

8. Reccomended.

[Bucky]

22. Well I sure as heck don't recommend sleeping with Republicans.

But if I had to, it'd be Giuliani. At least if he loved me and left me, I'd have plenty of company.

[dkofos]

9. If I have to fuck a repube, I want bush's ass!!!

[Bucky]

23. Nope, nope, not allowed. You have to do one of the 2008 guys.

And if you don't... you know... you have to fake it.

[dkofos]

39. Sorry, I wouldn't jerk off on any of their faces.

But I would butt fuck bush.

[haele]

10. Can I play black widow afterwards?

After all, it is a desert island, and it may be a while before I'm rescued.
Republican - the other fatty pastey white meat. Not filling at all, and may be toxic if not cooked properly, but it's survival.

Haele

[Bucky]

27. Sorry, this is to see who you'd swive, not who you'd swive to kill

No bonuses besides getting the Democrats elected, plus saving the puppies. Thank about the puppies.

[badgerpup]

92. Ick NO!

You don't wanna be for eatin' that stuff...
...you can get kuru...aka Mad Cow (sorta) disease that way!


Unless, of course you cook it really well done...but still...

[CTyankee]

11. Well, it might just kill poor John McCain so I'd choose him.

If this is consenting from his side (I don't want to be accused of sexual assuault of an elderly person). I would also reserve the right to laugh out loud after. Oh yes, and no Viagra either. Oh wait, first I'd like to know if his doctor lets him have Viagra for health reasons and if the doc says no I'll get the Viagra from a patriotic liberal (I don't know any who would admit to having it but let's just say).


You're bad; this is bad karma for sure!

[Bucky]

30. Only bad hypothetical karma

And you do ensure the survival of puppies. How can that be bad?

[CTyankee]

45. that's true!

But it is kinda sad. McCain wouldn't know what to do, foreplay would be a joke, and I bet he makes corny jokes from his military days (not to put down the military). Can I wear an eye mask so I don't actually have to SEE him?

[rasputin1952]

46. Limbaugh has plenty to spare, I think he used, or lost, one out

of 20 he took to Central America.

I know he didn't use any when he was w/"The Lovely Marta", that's one of the reasons for the divorce...and he didn't use any in a bordello down there, wrong gender and age. Judging by his past as Jeff Christie, he might be a member of NAMBLA.

[rasputin1952]

12. Damn....there goes the end of this genetic line...

Of couse, if said island was Enwitok back during the "good old days" of above-ground nuclear testing...

[name not needed]

15. That's the end of those puppies too.

[TahitiNut]

13. R.I.P. dear family.

[Bucky]

31. You're cold.

Not even Huckabee? I heart Huckabee.


Oops, tasted some throw up on that one.

[Warpy]

16. Sorry, cousins, you're all on your own. I suggest you arm yourselves

and build some bathtub explosives and go out with a bang, or a hundred bangs.

I don't want to eat dinner with those guys. There is no way I'd get even more intimate with them.

[Bucky]

35. Okay, fine, you can have one champagne, just to loosen up.

[Warpy]

37. That would give me a migraine and that in turn

would turn me homicidal.

My cousins would still be worm food.

[monmouth]

17. Uh,,,,,will there be dinner and numerous drinks first????

[Bucky]

21. No, you must be alert and do full mouth kissing.

You're not screwin' 'em. You're making love. Tenderly, Goddammit!

[FloridaJudy]

57. Oh shoot!

I was at least hoping for some really good drugs to help me carry this out.

Umm, I am still allowed to videotape the dirty deed and its aftermath, and post them on YouTube, right?


Right?.................right?...........

[Canuckistanian]

72. Damn, you're cruel

Not even a little date-rape drug? For us, not them.

[flvegan]

18. All of them, at once.

I figure, once I hit the press with that one, including the pix and videos, not a damn one of them is getting their base vote. I am, after all, a guy.

I'll take 8 or 10 for the team since it will guarantee our White House in 08.

[name not needed]

19. That ain't right.

[Virginia Dare]

102. That's mighty "big" of you flvegan....

I salute you, sir, sounds like a plan...

[blondeatlast]

107. You're a true patriot, flvegan. If you need relief, I could do Romney if it was

absloutely necessary.

Ugh.

[mondo joe]

20. Pucker up, Mitt.

ugh.

[Bucky]

36. I salute you Joe. America salutes you.

Oh, and smile. You're on Candid Camera.

[mondo joe]

67. I figure Mitt would be the most repressed, and also the least likely to have a heart

attack during.

[Jack Rabbit]

24. Since when does a Republican need consent to fuck somebody?

[Bucky]

49. Oh, they need consent

from Halliburton.

[Jack Rabbit]

56. That's not consent

That's an order.

[ghostsofgiants]

25. I just want to say that this is the best thread EVER.

[Bucky]

38. I'll assume that means you're game for a two hour trip to Tancredoville

Plus your slave Duncan has to lick it up from between your toes...

[Virginia Dare]

99. Mmm...body shots with Duncan Hunter...

that's HOT!!!

[karlrschneider]

26. I'll miss my family...

[Vincardog]

28. The puppies became Cruella's coat

[roody]

29. Thank you all for a super healthy dose

of laughter!

[DS1]

32. McCain. Just because that would be some cr-azy shit right there

[Bucky]

40. Whoa. Hadn't thought of that. I may just change my vote

He ain't the angriest man in the Senate for nothing.

[napi21]

33. I'd say yes, act real nice, they find a weapon to kill him before

I had to do the deed! Even if it was only a rock or a sharp stick, the Pub would be history!

[Bucky]

41. Tut, tut... you're not thinking about the puppies, missy.

[MNDemNY]

34. In that case, I'll fuck'em all.

[Bucky]

47. Ah, at least there's one true romantic in this thread

On behalf of the puppies, thank you.

[Totally Committed]

42. No kissing, no talking, and I'll be needing a Silkwood Shower

directly afterward, followed by a month in the Bahamas. My family can thank me when I get back!

TC

[LeftishBrit]

43. Arrrgghhhh! !! - you know how to give a poor girl nightmares, all right!

Reminds me of the Bob Dylan song, "Seven Curses":

http://www.songmeanings.net/lyric.php?lid=3530822107858...

I suppose if I wanted to do my duty to the World as well as my family, I would have to choose Sam Brownback, as he runs on being so fanatically holy, that there's a good chance that jumping under the covers with me would ruin his career. Whereas with say, Giuliani, it would be all part of the days work.

Arrrrggggghhh. Now off to think of nicer things like snakes and maggots and poisonous spiders....

[sutz12]

44. Since I'm a man and the 'missionary position' is kinda out....

Will there be BBQ sauce for the puppies?

It is a desert island, right?

[Bluebear]

48. So, does this reveal who has the most GOP sex appeal? I would take that seriesly!

Photogenic, good hair, more people would like to sleep with him . . . sounds like a political threat to me in America, circa '08.

[Bucky]

50. HA! The only one to get multiple partners is Romney! How ironic!

Cause, you know, he's the only one who isn't divorced.

[TexasThoughtCriminal]

65. How convenient. His religion allows it.

Who needs divorce when you're a Mormon.

[NewJeffCT]

51. Since I'm a guy, I have two choices

1) If I'm the Jeff Gannon "top" who is giving for the 10 minutes, I would go for Fred Thompson or Rudy Giuliani... because, then I'd sell my story to the tabloids & ruin their careers. And, it would cause the MSM to have a collective heart attack.

2) If I was on the receiving end... probably McCain because he's old & fragile and wouldn't be too rough.

[StatGirl]

52. I can have a box of condoms and two paper bags, right?

Oh, and a female condom? And a tube of K-Y or AstroGlide?

Why not Ron Paul? I disagree with him on most things (except the imperialism issue), but he at least has integrity and a sense of humor.

[Bucky]

54. The reason I excluded Ron Paul is...

...He at least has integrity and a sense of humor.

He's also a racist, by the way. But the rest of the pack somehow even make that look not so bad.
.

[Solly Mack]

53. Yeah well, I'm the heir so...

[TheCowsCameHome]

55. That's not exactly what I had in mind when I said.......

...."Fuck every last one of those RW whores"...............

[Lisa]

58. Bye, mom and dad ...

I know they will be cool with this, because of their voting patterns ... and also, they don't like the concept of their little girl getting into bed with anybody, regardless of politics.

Re: puppies, I guess I'm not a "dog person" after all!


I might change my mind if it's one of the anti-evolution guys, and I get to do a 3-hour-long Powerpoint presentation based on my doctoral research in an attempt to change his mind ... and a day-long nature hike through the Burgess Shale to point out some fossilized and recent Quaternary examples. (The Republican might recognize some of his colleages amongst the fossils, which would be a pleasant bonus.) He might drop dead of a heart attack by then, though, if the lovemaking and cuddling didn't do him in first.

[tbyg52]

59. "It can't be quick sex"???? EEEEEWWWWW!!!!!

Can't do it, sorry!

[Vinca]

60. It's a shame about the family. Sorry, folks. nt

[greenbriar]

61. guess they will all die cause I am NOT ever doing any of them

not now not ever

[mainer]

62. I'll take any excuse to sleep with Mitt Romney!

I may despise his politics, but ... YUM!

[mcctatas]

63. McCain...

maybe the physical exertion would incapacitate him....

[LWolf]

64. Rape is rape. The identity of the rapist is irrelevant. n/t

[trashcanistanista]

66. I would have to let my family die.

I couldn't do it. Especially if you take Ron Paul out of the equation.

[mondo joe]

68. I had to shake Tommy Thompson's hand once, and that's as intimate as I ever

care to get with that critter.

[Hissyspit]

86. You already have COOTIES now.

[hyphenate]

69. I don't care which one I'd have to sleep with

Just as long as he doesn't get elected.

Picked Romney. He's the only one not wizened and ugly enough for me to be repulsed by their looks. I know some women will sleep with anyone with a pulse if they've got enough money, power or both, but I don't have that kind of stomach.

[SaveAmerica]

70. Looks like I won't have to share the Bryer's Ice Cream anymore...

Just the part about 10 minutes of being close to the mouth of a republican talking about himself made me throw up in my mouth a little.

[NoGOPZone]

71. It can't be quick?

Be serious. All Republican sex is quick sex.

[MrSlayer]

73. Good thing my family's insurance is paid up.

Because there is absolutely no way I would ever do this. I'd take one for the team and bone Coulter or Malkin I guess, if that's an option.

[LibDemAlways]

74. This is the funniest thread ever. As for me, I love my

family, so I'd have to make the ultimate sacrifice; but I'd probably insist that Mitt wear a George Clooney mask.

[Malikshah]

75. Everytime you start a poll and m**stur**** God kills a kitten.

Now, please think of the Kittens. So many have been lost.

[Laurab]

76. I love my family...so - it'd have to be Romney

he's the only one who isn't ugly as shit, and I can just close my eyes and pretend it's my first husband. Oh wait, that wasn't nice - my first husband is actually a decent guy.

I love puppies, too. What's that old saying - "close your eyes and think of England"? I don't think it'd be the first time in my life I ever did that. I don't WANNA do it, but for my beloved family AND the puppies I would.

[rec_report]

78. OMG, someone picked Rudy Giuliani.

Polar Bear

[TwilightGardener]

81. His wife says he's HOTT and full of testosterone. Somebody here heard that, obviously.

[tomreedtoon]

79. Who cares. I'm on a DESERT ISLAND!

Tropical waves! Balmy breezes! The occasional hurricane to sweep the trash (and the scattered Republican candidates) off my turf! No snow to shovel! Lots of healthy fruit to eat! And NO JOB!

It's like the life I and my friends have now, except with lots of sun and fruit!

[TwilightGardener]

80. Had to go with Romney. He might be an android, but he's the best of a fugly lot.

[Hekate]

82. Lounge Lizard! ...I'll miss my family and those puppies...awww...

[DesertRat]

83. This is so twisted but I'll play along

So can I smoke some pot right before?

[Stephanie]

84. I choose Mike Gravel!

If my family's at stake, I will do him.

[Catherine Vincent]

85. You sick bastid!

LOL!

If I must, guess it'll be Mitt. I'll make him lose his religion!

Ron Paul would be my second pick.

[QC]

87. Can I gouge my eyes out with a rusty can opener first?

Please?

[fortyfeetunder]

88. My deepest sympathies to my family

may they rest in peace.

Meanwhile I think they are wondering why I am laughing hysterically at the computer -- as I read the numerous posts on this thread....

[Matsubara]

89. Only Romney is not revolting, and even he would have to be disinfected first.

He seems like the type who doesn't brush his teeth often enough...

[Swamp Rat]

90. I'd jump into the ocean and become an aqualung.

My mermaid awaits!



???

[mitchum]

93. Well, since I often find myself saying, "Fuck Fred Thompson"...

i guess I'll be topping a lobbyist/actor/dirtbag

[file83]

94. I just realized that the Republicans don't have a single FEMALE candidate.

How old-fashioned is that?

I'd die for my family, but screw a Male Republican? I guess it's better than having to screw Anne Coulter.

At this point, I'd make it interesting and screw the person I find the most repulsive (since I don't swing that way anyway!).

Guess who that is.

[Bucky]

105. That's not exactly stunning news

There have been exactly three major female presidential candidate in our generation--one Republican, two Democrats. The poverty is evenly spread. One was only barely a serious contender and the other two achieved their levels of power and credibility essentially as adjucts to their husbands' careers.

[Rosemary2205]

95. Who's the sick puppy that thinks Tommy Thompson is humpable???

ewwwwwwwwwwww?? bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I'd do Romney only if I could have a case of pepto bismal standing by.

[Virginia Dare]

101. 2 votes for Tancredo!!

LMFAO!!!

[Bucky]

104. Apparently you are unfamiliar with the phenomenon called the sympathy fuck

Some of us depend on such things.

[Betty88]

96. Rudy, but he has to put the dress on

[Virginia Dare]

97. Okay, which one of y'all has the hots for Tommy T??

[malaise]

98. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. You left me with no choice

Time to plan those funerals for my family.

[Hubert Flottz]

100. I'm afraid my family would be shit out of luck!

[Virginia Dare]

103. Do it for the puppies, please????....n/t

[wicket]

106. I voted for McCain

After suffering under Romney as my Gov for 4 years I just couldn't do it

[ncrainbowgrrl]

108. Oh, I just had to give a pity vote to Brownback.

but... EWWWWWWWW.