Dave Barry : Shooting carps in Wisconsin

[Omaha Steve]

http://www.miamiherald.com/dave_barry/story/113908.html

Shooting carps in Wisconsin
BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 25, 2000.)

A fundamental belief held by Americans is that if you are on land, you cannot be killed by a fish. This belief has been reinforced by the Steven Spielberg movies ''Jaws,'' ''Jaws II,'' ''Jaws Goes to Porky's'' and ''Saving Private Ryan From Jaws,'' in which the only characters to die were the ones stupid enough to venture into the Atlantic Ocean, where even ankle-deep water often conceals predators the size of Winnebagos.

So most Americans remain on land, believing they're safe. Unfortunately, this belief -- like so many myths, such as that there's a reason for ''Daylight Savings Time'' -- is false. Over the years, I have reported on a number of cases of people on land nearly being killed by fish. I have pursued this story not for personal gain, but in the belief that my efforts will be worthwhile if I can save the life of just one person, and that person turns out to be an Internet magnate who gives me a billion dollars.

Today I present three more chilling cases, none of which I am making up. We begin with an article from the June 17, 1999, issue of the Times-Standard, a California newspaper published in Eureka, which is Greek for ''Yikes.'' This article, written by Shaun Walker and sent in by alert reader Matt Filar, states that John and Lauren Erker of Eureka were ''relaxing inside their house'' when ''they heard a loud crashing noise.'' They went to their porch and found ``a two-foot hole in the plastic roof and what they believe to be a three-pound ocean perch below it.''

The Erkers believe the perch was dropped by an osprey. The story does not speculate WHY an osprey would try to kill them with a perch, but it does quote Mr. Erker as saying: ''I know if you wake up with a horse in your bed, what that means. But I don't know about a fish.'' (He is referring to the scene in ''The Godfather'' where a man discovers, to his horror, that he is in bed with the severed head of a horse, apparently put there by a large, mob-related osprey.)

Our next incident is described in a Dec. 15, 1998, article from the Santa Rosa, Calif., Press Democrat, written by Mike Geniella and sent in by many alert readers. It states that Sergio Gutierrez, a truck driver for Sea Products Inc., was driving a tractor-trailer on Highway 101 at 3:15 a.m. when he slammed into a bear crossing the road. Gutierrez was thrown from the truck, which then overturned, the result being that he was, according to the story, ``buried under an avalanche of frozen mackerel.''

Fortunately, Gutierrez survived. Unfortunately, the bear did not, so there was no way to determine whether it had any links to the osprey community.

FULL story at link.