Monty Python in the White House Press Office

[Leopolds Ghost]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am here to announce that a grave - er - accident has been committed - er - occurred. Vice President Cheney, er, the other vice president, has shot a man in the face. I would like to take questions from you, but first, some precision military drilling.

*ahem* right. Mr. Putie?

No - no - the other Mr. Putie.

Oh - um - right. There is only one of you. Carry on!

The President - er - Vice President accepts full responsibility for the incident. Mr. Whittington was responsible only for stepping in between the shotgun and the quail. Mr. Cheney thought he was a quail.

Mr. Whittington is in good spirits. Er - um - I mean to say, 'es had a heart attack. Er - he was drunk at the time. Cheney, on the other hand was sober. Well, perhaps there was a beer or two in there. What I mean to say is that he was peppered with bird shit. Er - bird shot.

Yes, peppered. 'Es pining for home even as we speak. He is a very seasoned marksman.

No, um, I wouldn't characterize it as "blowing a hole in is chest." That is to say, he was shot in the heart and in the lung. Not in the eye! His left eye is just fine.

He is in very stable condition, er- um - very stable and is likely to live for as long as God intended.

Yes, the pheasants - er - partridges - er - quail were nailed to the ground. They were hunting with grenades. It was only when Mr. Whittington unexpectedly walked up behind the Vice President that he picked up his shotgun.

You see, the Vice President has a problem with double vision. The other Mr. Whittington is just fine. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President.

"Right. Ahem. You know, I never really wanted to be a vice president. What I want is to be - A LUMBERJACK! Yes, Strolling through the forest with my Swiss girlfriend at my side! And now for something... completely different."

[Hardrada]

1. That makes more sense than the stuff they actually say!

Very good.

[Leopolds Ghost]

2. And Now, A Lesson In How NOT To be Seen.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Cheney will now give you a demonstration in how NOT to be seen.

Do you see that Iraqi dictator over there, Mr. Hussein? Mr. Hussein, please stand up and wave for the audience.

**BOOM**

You now have your first lesson in how NOT to be seen. Don't Stand Up.

Behind this hedge we have a secret CIA Agent, Valerie Plame. Ms. Plame has learned the first lesson in how NOT to be seen. However, she has chosen a very poor hiding place.

**BOOM**

Behind these trees are hidden a great deal of munitions, some of them Weapons of Mass Destruction, concealed by foreigners, many of them Iranian. You may notice that the Iranians have learned how NOT to be seen. Their Weapons of Mass Destruction are completely invisible to American observation. Therefore Mr. Cheney will now reveal the Weapons by blowing up the forest.

**BOOM** **BOOM** **KA-BOOM** **CRAK** **BOOM** **BOOM** **BOOM**

Wow! What a display of pyrotechnics! Unfortunately, the Weapons of Mass Destruction were completely destroyed.

And now, I, the announcer, will walk up behind Mr. Cheney while he is hunting, and interview him on the subject of how *NOT* to be seen.

**BOOM**

[Swamp Rat]

3. Upper Class Twits they are.

:D

[avitali]

8. So if there is the UCTOTY contest...

...will they do the last event properly? And no shotguns.

[hobbit709]

4. Unfortunately

the old Monty Python skits were performed by rather intelligent people-the real ones are dumber than a box of rocks.

[genie_weenie]

5. I order you to Shut up!

Order who does he think he is?

DeadEye Dickie - I am your Vice-Tyrant!

Well, I didn't vote for you!

DeadEye Dickie - YOUR votes don't count for anything!!!

Well, how'd you become Tyrant then?

The Chickens of the Bench, their arms clad in Simmering Black Silk, held aloft 5 votes, signifying by divine providence that I was to be Tyrant! That is why!

Supreme Executive Power Derives from a mandate from the masses Not from some farcical hanging Chads!

DeadEye Dickie - Yes I see. Will you Shut up?!?

I mean, you can't go round claiming Supreme Executive power merely because some 5 Watery Boweled Buffoons throw an election for you!

DeadEye Dickie - Shut UP!

I mean, if I went round claiming to be the CEO of Haliburton they'd put me away!

DeadEye Dickie - Bloody Peasant! Boom, shoots man in face.

Now we see the violence inherit in the system. Help Help I'm being repressed!


Also---------

Where'd you get the Italian made shotgun?

I found it.

In Corpus Christi, Texas?

Quails may fly in the gloaming, and Secret Service members may withhold my blood samples from testing for alcohol content, but these are not strangers to Texas?

Are you suggesting Italian made shotguns may migrate?

Not at all they could be carried!

A 5 ounce Quail can not carry a 28 gauge Shotgun!
Well, a Dan Qualye could?
Oh yeah, but then Dan Quayle can't spell Corpus Christi...
Right...

[Leopolds Ghost]

6. Anyone want to do "Cheney Shoots his way out of the Wedding Party"?

I don't have the skill for it. ;-)

[avitali]

7. Well...

...I just have to say "NI!" to you. :D

[avitali]

9. It makes...

..."Confuse-A-Cat" actually make sense, dunnit?