I need help

[Codeblue]

I need help. Honestly, I have no clue what to do. I feel so overwhelmed by all the shit that is conspiring to keep me down. This isn't a complaint post alright? This is a plea for help and advice and reassuring that I desperately need right now, even from complete strangers. Because I'm getting help from family and friends, but sometimes you need advice from other people with different experiences to put a different perspective on things.

Recently, I've been questioning almost every major decision I've ever made and I'm not normally one to question myself. Why did I decide to go to college and waste my time for nothing but $40,000 in student loans that I'll have to pay off? It seems like a worse and worse decision every day. It seems less and less like it's going to help me in life and more and more like it's going to kill me.

How will I get a job that will allow me to pay the rent, utilities, dental, medical and food bills while still affording me enough money to pay off the ridiculous loans that I owe to this government I despise? Why the fuck should I even pay them? I hate them and everything they do. They think they're helping people with these fucking loans? I don't fucking think so. They need to be god damn grants. For fuck's sake, I'm going to owe close to $1,000 a month just in loan payments. That's really helping me escape my impoverished life.

Before anyone says, "Welcome to the real world" or "That's life" let me just say one more thing. If that's life and the real world, then fuck that. I don't want any part of it. If a government can't even provide for the needs of its citizens, then fuck that. I don't want to be a part of it. The real world needs to shape the fuck up. Before anyone says "I used to be an idealist. Then I matured and found out it's easier to change yourself than it is to change everyone else" fuck you. If that's maturity, I wish it a quick but painful death. Too much emphasis on maturity is killing us. Let's have some fucking fun. Otherwise, what's the damn point?

Wake up everyday and eat breakfast (maybe) then go to work or school and eat lunch (maybe) then come home and eat dinner while watching T.V. and spending maybe two hours with people we like before we go to bed and sleep so we can be refreshed for the next morning when we have to do the same shit all over again? Sorry to say, that ain't life and that ain't living. If that's the life I have to look forward you might as well shoot me now cause I'm already halfway to dead.

But I need you help DU. I need you to help me avoid that. I need you to tell me how the hell I'm going to escape that life. Cause right now, I'm constantly stressed out, I'm having sleeping problems and I feel like this incredible burden has hefted onto my weak shoulders and I'm wilting. I'm being crushed. I just need some help pushing myself back up. Right now, I don't feel very optimistic.

Please. And thank you.

Kat

[MoseyWalker]

1. I won't offer what has happened to me

and I won't really offer anything concrete, but

time always expands. time always is looking for change. time sees changes that you, now, can only imagine.

tomorrow will be better if you follow your heart. Follow, and you will be happy.

yes, happy.

simplistic, maybe.

truth.

[Codeblue]

2. I guess part of the problem then

is that I don't know my own heart. It's been ripped apart and shoved around so much...I don't know it. My own heart.

I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going or what I want to be doing in the future. Well, that's not entirely true, but what I want to do, what I feel most strongly for requires money to do. That or really nice people which sadly, are nowhere to be found but here on DU.

So really, I have no idea what is happening to me. I seem to be just coasting through life without a clue as to what I should be doing.

[Radio_Lady]

16. Are you in Colorado? Is your family nearby? You need some immediate

help in formulating a plan for your schooling. What you have clearly is not working for you. May I ask how old you are? What year in school?

[Codeblue]

20. I'm 21

I'm going to be classified as a Senior come spring semester.

[Radio_Lady]

25. So you will graduate next spring? I don't know how much you feel comfortable with revealing

in this thread. Have you had any career counseling? What real life job are you training for? In your senior year, are you involved in some kind of internship in major studies area?

You can PM me if you wish.

[Codeblue]

27. I am required

to do an internship. I'm not even going to attempt to graduate until summer semester however as I am already feeling overwhelmed with my course load this semester and I'd have to take 6 classes in spring in order to graduate. No way can I handle that right now.

[Radio_Lady]

31. No problem. It's not a race. I started school in 1956 and didn't finish until 1962!

That was during an era where NOBODY was "stopping out." Now it's a regular thing. Do you have any support nearby from your family or friends?

My class load was cut in half after I was released from the hospital. I went to work during the day, and school at night. My father took pity on me and paid for my last semester, thank goodness. I was going downhill fast working night and day.

[Codeblue]

36. Yeah

All my friends and family live within 50 miles so I can see them pretty easily if I need to.

[Radio_Lady]

39. So, have you confided in one or more of them about how you feel?

It's not a necessity that you do this, but if you have a good relationship with family or friends, perhaps that can help. They may even have other suggestions of professionals closeby to help you with this.

Another thing... wait, I have a phone call!

[Radio_Lady]

42. Some people get seasonal affective disease in the winter! I know that

Colorado got some snow very early in the season.

Does the overcast, snow, and the short days of winter have any impact on you? This is a real depressive disease -- called SAD (interesting name, I think!). My son-in-law has it in spades! Just about this time of the year, he hates the weather and can get really antsy. There are ways to cope with that, too. Just a thought...

[Codeblue]

44. No I don't think so

I've gone through plenty of winters without feeling the least bit blue.

I felt this once before. Back in high school. It was overcome because I saw some hope in where we were all going. It's back because things haven't changed for me. At all.

[YvonneCa]

3. Codeblue...

...I think you are depressed. Hopelessness is a big symptom. See your doctor and get medication...then request counseling. You sound intelligent and thoughtful...but somewhat overwhelmed. That happens in life, but it CAN be overcome. Good luck ! Let me know how it's going.:hug:

[Radio_Lady]

Agree with YvonneCa. These are symptoms of depression.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 19 years old and in college. It's a medical condition, and there is good treatment for it these days.

[Skittles]

4. hey

I'm detecting depression in you and I would like for you to go see a doctor, get a checkup and tell him/her what you are telling us - you feeling overwhelmed and probably not able to make the best decisions. Please schedule an appointment pronto and keep us updated; believe me there are people who care.

[Codeblue]

5. I have scheduled an appointment

with a school counselor which is free for students. Unfortunately I don't have enough money to pay for a "real" psychiatrist, though I think maybe they'd be more concerned with nabbing my money than helping me anyway.

Thank you.

[Skittles]

12. don't worry about that

a counselor will be just fine; I doubt you need a psychiatrist - you just sound to me like a conscientious young person overwhelmed by responsibilities- honestly I feel for you, I really do....for example, there are a lot of people in this world who just don't worry about debt - then there are others, like you and me, responsible folk who feel pressure...what worries me about you is you're already starting to get that hopeless feeling and that must be addressed before it really tears your life apart

[Radio_Lady]

13. See my post downthread. School counselor works for now.

You may not need a psychiatrist. I've seen psychologists and only saw psychiatrists when they gave their services for free (I belonged to a group in Massachusetts affiliated with McLean Hospital.)

[YvonneCa]

21. Don't wait for that appointment...

...if you think it won't help you. Go to a medical health center that can prescribe anti-depressants, if you should need them (even if you have to pay for them yourself).

As far as your loans go, remember we are now living under a Republican Administration that has done everything it can to make it HARDER on students, like you, to get an education. That is WRONG, and I'm so sorry for what it's doing to young people like you. Democrats in the newly elected Congress will eventually change this...so it's not (in my opinion) something that you won't eventually be able to work out.

[Vanje]

24. Good news! you dont need a psychiatrist to prescribe anti depressants

Any general practitioner can do that.

Other advice: For now, Dont take on your whole future. Just figure out your next week, or ven your next day.
Spring will come. Shit will get better.
Email me if you want to talk. Im full of ideas, and i know depression.

[rooney]

29. Hi, I am a 67 year old female and I have fought depression

all of my life. There are medications NOW that will help you. If I do not take the anti-depression medicine, I am right back in that hopeless person. I would be sad and cry a lot and want to sleep a lot and not be around people. Actually, I never had any reason to be depressed. I learned alot about it and it definitely can, and in most cases, is inherited. The medication that you might take will not make you feel any different, except it gets rid of the depression and anxiety. Also, it is not a narcotic and not habit forming. People (including me) have used alcohol as a medication, because it helps temporarily. It only makes things worse. Let me know if you get some help and how you feel afterwards. I certainly have had many of the same feelings and I would like to hear from you. It certainly will get better for you. rooney

[Radio_Lady]

33. Rooney, I thought I had written your post. I'm 67 and had meds off and on since age 19.

That, and counseling, have allowed me to function for all of these years, with only a few adjustments in routine.
We are lucky we live in an age when depression is not a dirty word! So many good people have it and talk about it freely.

Thanks for chiming in.

[rooney]

50. Radio Lady

I have spent lots of $$$$ going to the phychiatrist for years and years. My husband was veeery understanding and we continued to pay the phych. for years. This was around 1965 - 1985. We started getting some meds and I have had them all. Usually, taking the ones coming out new. For several years I have taken zoloft and buspiron and it workd very well for me. I sure hope you are OK. I bet there are lots of people just like us. rooney

[Radio_Lady]

53. I've been maintained on an older tricyclic antidepressant called Pamelor

(nortriptyline). It's been around since I was a teenager, but that's what has always worked for me. Other drugs were tried in the early 1990s, but they didn't work as well. Pamelor seems to be the best for me -- and it's relatively cheap -- just adjusting the dose of that drug works for me.

Also, I've done quite well with self-help groups when I needed support. McLean Hospital in Massachusetts had a group called MDDA (Manic Depressive and Depressive Association) and they were there when I needed them. God bless self-help. The National Mental Health Association was very helpful in guiding me to those groups locally.

I've had fewer mental difficulties and less stress since retirement, but there are still challenges, especially with an aging body!

Nice to meet you on the DU! Hope Codeblue gets the treatment needed to feel better!

In peace,

Radio_Lady in Oregon

[hwmnbn]

6. Just a clarification please.....

Have you already graduated? Is what you've been training for something you love to do? Do you know what you love to do?

I can empathize with your frustration. My only response to bring you down off the ledge is that life has a way of taking unexpected turns. Hang in there because you never know what comes up.

[Maraya1969]

7. God I am so sorry about those loan payments. That is a travesty

of this country. I don't know what your interest is but mine was a pittance because it WAS a government loan. I know they have raised the rates and it is so unfair.

Personally I'd ask them if I could pay about 1/2 the amount per month. They should be willing to work with you if you tell them that you just can't pay it. Realistically they want their money so they should be willing to work with you. Also there must be some credit service that could help get the interest rate down.

Maybe you could search online for programs that help you pay your loan. I do know that there is a lot of money out there is you just look for it.

If none of that worked and if it was a difference between food, shelter, a good life and health care OR paying off the government..........then I'd say fuck the government.


BTW - I had a medical problem after I was paying for a few years on my loans and I got the remaining debt dropped. I am sorry that I can't remember who I spoke to because it was a long time ago.

[Codeblue]

10. It's alright

Really, that is probably the thing I'm most worried about and that feels most oppressive. That combined with the job market...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

17. I was able to refinance my student loans (in the 1980s), and

although it stretched the payment period from 10 years to 13, it made the monthly payments bearable.

[Radio_Lady]

23. My son-in-law trained to be a doctor, then had $40,000 in debt. He turned his back on

medicine, and went back to school for computers.

He is now in a job in his early 40s that combines both aptitudes. He was able to pay off his large loans, but it took him many years.

I too am sorry for this terrible government. They are bleeding money in Iraq, when what they really should do is make it EASIER for youngsters like you to get into school without casting yourself into financial serfdom for the rest of your life!

[LuckyTheDog]

8. You might need professional help

If you are "questioning almost every major decision," "constantly stressed out" and "having sleeping problems," you might need professional help.

What you are going through isn't something you should tackle alone. And it isn't something DU can help a lot with. A lot of us have been there. You can get past it. But don't try to "tough it out" on your own.

Just remember that you are a valuable individual, that you have a unique contribution to make to the world and that nobody defines you except yourself.

[Radio_Lady]

35. Lucky, I think we all agree that Kat/Codeblue needs some help.

Thanks for your post.

[Lex]

9. Depression symptoms:

You feel miserable and sad.

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy .

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible.

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess.

You feel very anxious sometimes.

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible.

You find it difficult to think clearly.

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time.

You feel a burden to others.

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living.

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do.

You feel irritable or angry more than usual.

You feel you have no confidence.

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them).

You feel that life is unfair.

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams.

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.'

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain.

[Radio_Lady]

37. Excelllent list of symptoms. Read them and don't think of this as a life sentence.

Just get help.

[Lex]

40. Right. This can be treated effectively.

But hardly ever "toughed out." It's a medical issue to be treated correctly, imho.

I wish the OP well and hope medical help is sought.

[Radio_Lady]

11. Kat, I've been there a bunch of times at 67 years of age. Is there someone

else to whom you can talk about your feelings? College usually offers counselors who are adept at working with students who feel overwhelmed. Do you have medical insurance as a college student? Are you suffering from some medical condition, except for the difficult thoughts and the clearly overburdened situation? Maybe it's time to raise your hand and ask for help.

Are you suicidal? I'm just asking because you say things that are signals of depression and possible suicidal thoughts. I was a student at UCLA in 1959, got pregnant, married the guy, then took some pills more as a cry for help -- but I got some mental health help. Baby was stillborn, guy left me in the hospital, I went back to school and finished. So I know something about this... Perhaps you need a run of antidepressants to help you through this spell. Check it out with your doctor, if you have someone you trust.

Life has its ups and downs. Maybe you could reconsider your goals -- if you're studying philosophy and poetry or liberal arts, something that might cause raised eyebrows if you are looking for a way to really support yourself. Most of the children in our family ended up with student debt, but they did eventually pay it off in long periods. This government should support students like you, but it doesn't.

You really have to put one foot in front of the other. If you try to look at all of life -- instead of doing it in "daytight compartments" (a concept that really works for me), it's really too much.

Anyway, you need someone closer than a website to talk to. Call a hotline number for the Samaritans in your area. Talk to a good friend -- hope you have one. Are you living alone? Anyone in your church or religious group you can confide in? Or your family? On campus? Please reach out to someone so you don't go spiraling downward.

Life does get better after school. Trust me, it does. You'll see a brighter tomorrow if you get help now.

PM me if you have questions or need support. I'm here.

In peace,

Radio_Lady in Oregon

[Codeblue]

19. Thank you so much

I'm not at all suicidal. I don't feel like ending my life even though I said I don't want to be a part of life. I have free counseling at my college and have scheduled an appointment there for next week. I have many close friends and I talk to my mom often. She is my closest confidant even over my significant other.

The problem is, I want to be a writer. I'm studying creative writing right now and I know it will be hard to make a living that way. But I want to do something with my life that I enjoy, not something that's necessary but makes me want to stab myself because it would be more fun than the job I'm supposed to be doing. Otherwise, acting, an equally impossible job to make money doing, draws my attention.

But thank you so much.

[syberyenta]

45. Save your own life.

Dear Blue:

I'd advise counseling for the symptoms of depression, and vocational counseling too. And you need to start eating regularly -- no 'maybe' about it. Growing up is not easy, but you don't have to do it _right now_, all at once.

There are a lot of things about life that suck, and some you can change, and some you just can't.

But you deal with it.

As long as you recognize how hard it will be to earn a living in your 'desired profession', you better starting looking for 'something to pay the bills' so you can write. You might do well to separate the 'work part' from 'what you do with your life.'

That's simply a matter of attitude, and believe it or not, you can change your attitude. In fact, you're the only one who can.

There are lots of people who will be glad to help you (a little) for free. But you have to bring something positive to the table.


HTH,

The Yenta

[Radio_Lady]

47. Oh, dear. A creative person, just like me... Well, I did a lot of things

in my life that brought in money only -- while the creative things sat on the back burner. I studied Drama and Theater Arts -- TV, Radio and Film. I was lucky enough to break into TV when TV was young and so was I.

These are some of the things I did -- and you will have to be realistic about your job opportunities in writing and acting. You are up against so many youngsters who feel they want to get ahead in these fields. Perhaps you can arrange an internship with a theater company, radio or TV station, or some marketing or promotion company, so you can at least use your writing skills in these college pursuits.

Real life jobs: Secretary, assistant to producer in TV, copywriter at advertising agency, promotion writer, technical writer.

You must know that 99% of the thousands of actors/actresses are unemployed at any one time. This is really the throw of the dice, and the same is true of fiction writing. There are 150,000 new books published in the United States every year, and the number is growing because of the phenomenon of self publishing. That doesn't mean that all those thousands of writers make money at it. They don't...

Those are just some facts. Not meant to depress you. But you might consider some avocation or hobby area as a back stop for your endeavors. You will need money for all the necessary things, but you have lots of time to at least try your hand at your cherished goals. Who knows? You might be the next Robert De Niro or Nicole Kidman or Michael Crichton, and wouldn't that make me look stupid?

[Catherine Vincent]

14. All I can say is pay the government what you owe.

You can't mess with the IRS. If you can't pay, try to negotiate a payment plan. Good luck.

[MadMaddie]

15. Kat....you are the only one that can remove the burden from your

shoulders..

I did it...but I had to change my perception of me being perfect and trying to attain things that didn't matter to me...

You are right about the college loans it's a nasty trap...Each state should have a program to allow anyone that wants to go to college go...maybe by expecting some type of 2 year civil service from the recipients.

If you are that stressed out and not sleeping at not maybe you need to reconsider what you are doing for employment...I experienced the same problems and I hated my fucking job and my manager.....I changed jobs and I feel better and I sleep better...

[readmoreoften]

18. Here's some (sort of) practical ideas.

1) Why are your loan payments $1000 a month? I have the same debt load and my payments are $200 a month. Are these private loans or govt loans? If they are gvt. loans you should be able to consolidate.

2) This is a crazy idea-- and it may be a bad one, but it is an idea-- if your loans are private, go back to school. Yep, go back to school part time at a low cost public school, take one course at a time, take out a stafford loan, pay back your private loan with the Stafford loan (thus reducing your interest payments). Make sure that you go to school for something that will help you develop a practical skill that is an adjunct to your degree. In otherwords, if you were a humanities BA, get a 2 year education certificate. If you were an anthro or soc. major, get a grad degree in documentary film with hands-on learning (camera/editing/sound). Get an MBA and sign up with headhunters. Get a JD, etc. You will owe more money, but you will be paying less per month and you will be adding to your market value.

Oh. And we're all in the same fucked boat, my friend.

[mike_c]

22. been there codeblue-- still there too....

Like you, I pay nearly $1000 a month in student loans-- I'm 51 and will not be able to pay them off before I retire. I don't know what I'll do then. Like you I constantly question the point of the daily grind-- and I LIKE what I do for a living, most of the time. But it's still wage slavery at the end of the day.

My advice for the short term is to get to your doctor and get some treatment for depression. I did, and it helps. You need to get past the sense of being overwhelmed before you can figure out what really makes sense for you.

[BlueStorm]

26. Kat... I know the feelings you are going through

I have bi-polar type 2 and chronic depression. I am on disability and I am living with my father. I am 26 years olds and I haven't done anything in my life. I barely get enough just to get by. I also have a student loan I am suppose to be paying but is on suspension right now until they determine regarding my disability whether or not they will drop it. I have a dentist bill that was suppose to be paid off two years ago and I haven't even paid a dime on it.

I have no money saved up for things like car repairs, etc. So I am stuck in a bind myself. And I am depressed, alot. I am on anti-depressants and mood destabilizers but they only help so much and quite frankly only makes me feel more fatiqued.

I know what it's like to be alone and not have someone to talk to. I am like that.

If you want you can PM me and maybe give me your private e-mail and/or your phone number and we can talk. However you should seek some sort of help.

Blue

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

28. My Advice Would Be To Not Take So Much For Granted.

You have far more than many others around the world do. My first advice would be to not be so bitter at the things you do not have and learn to appreciate the things that you do. My second bit of advice would be to seek some sort of counseling. It does seem you are suffering from a clinical depression and that your thoughts are constantly whirling around your head. If that's the case then some medication may in fact be helpful to you. It is hard to carry an overall positive disposition without treatment. I suffered from it years and years ago and I remember what it had been like to constantly have the doom and gloom in my head.

So remember to be thankful for what you have and do some research to see if you think some counseling/meds would be right for you. In the meantime, God Bless.

[Codeblue]

34. I don't really take the things I have for granted

and I know there are people in way worse straights. Obviously. Anyone older than six should be able to see how fucked up the rest of the world is. Like I said, this isn't a thread for me to complain about my fucking life.

I love my parents, my friends. I also LOVE the fact that if I didn't have my mom to back me up, I'd be one of those unfortunates wandering the street and begging fro change for a damn hot dog. Really. And what of my mom you ask?

Well, she makes about $25,000 a year before taxes. Wow, great financial security. Fuck money too. Another addition to the list.

[wtmusic]

30. Well

Kat, I think we've all been there at one time or another. Maybe not. Point is--we can't always control our circumstances and the worst never lasts that long.

For me, exercise was a start to help me get sleep at night. With a few good nights' sleep, the problems don't look so daunting. Oh yeah, clinical depression runs in my family and nearly everyone gets chemical help. It has made a world of difference.

I feel for you, and wish you the best. :hug:

[BlackVelvet04]

32. I won't go into great detail, but I can empathize and sympathize

with what you are feeling.

Find someone you trust to talk to and put one foot in front of the other. Don't try to figure your whole life out now....you can't figure it all out. Even if you had it all planned out it would change. Expect good things. Watch for good things. Do good things. It WILL turn around.

[blusparc]

38. Well.. here's my take on student loans....

I'm from a solidly middle class family and never had any breaks on tuition.. never had a scholarship.. graduated with student loans well into the six figures. You know, I was glad to have them. It was an opportunity that was available to me that I otherwise wouldn't have. Sounds corny, but I was happy to pay them back because I felt that each dollar I paid back was helping someone else go after their dream too.

Personally, I think anything you get for free is something you don't really appreciate or even care about. Stuff you work at, for a long time, is stuff that gives you a thrill when you achieve your goal. I paid my student loans in 10 years - lived in a modest place and didn't go out much. At one point, my student loan payments were 3 x my mortgage. You can make a car payment and the car depreciates. What you invest in an education is something no one can ever take from you. What a great thing!

Yes, it's hard.. yes it sucks. Just remember, the life you see people living on TV isn't real. One of the best things I ever did in my life was go to a 3rd world slum and donate my time. Even on my very worst day ever, i'm still living the good life by the standards of 95% of the world. Maybe even 99%. It's not hard to see that in most of the world - even if you're brilliant and work as hard as you can - you have no opportunity to change your life. We do. Sometimes it takes generations. But we can change what our lot in life is - even if we're neither brilliant nor hard working. It's a great country!

Ok, i know this is corny and you don't want to hear it... I knew a guy who was a tennis instructor. I asked him if he only teaches young adults, and he said, "oh no.. i teach all ages." He went on to say that he loved teaching older, unexperienced regular people. He said it was a pleasure to watch them move. They had all the experience of a lifetime in how they moved, the way they thought, and how they played. Younger players rely on purely sensory input and reflex. Older people have economy of movement and the result is more artistic and cerebral.

I guess my point is that life is a lot of work, little sleep, and more work - and the result after years of it - if you approach it in a playful way - is that you're going to be much better at about everything with every year that goes by. If you start your day feeling like an un-oiled cog in the machine, that's how you'll end the day. It's not mindless... it's part of becoming more yourself. Maybe like a Zen thing - It's like a weathered tree. We start out working because we have to pay the bills - we end up somehow enjoying it, and the challenges that come with it.

Education is an investment. Sure, it's not free. Rather than wish you could blink your eyes and have your student loans disappear, put as much energy into bringing a little passion to what you do, no matter the job.

When you say you feel halfway dead, why do you think of work as death? Why is life as a student considered being more alive? I feel that I didn't start living until I was away from my self indulgent days as a student.

Just my two cents.. good luck. YOu can make it work, but you have to have FUN! It'll all be ok!

[Codeblue]

43. I don't feel "alive" being a student

It isn't that. And I appreciate work. But not work that isn't going to get me anywhere and that's where I see most people's work taking them. Nowhere. Being a student isn't self-indulgent to me. I don't go out partying, I don't waste me student loan money on beer and parties. I don't go clubbing and lose my mind while I fuck everyone in sight.

I go to class. I hang out with my friends. I eat. I sleep. I do my homework. I go to work. I talk to people. My days in college are not the typical college experience. And I don't want them to be. I like to be in control of myself.

Work isn't death. Monotony is death.

[blusparc]

51. good for you...

You're a better student than I was at your age. Consider that the job you start at may not be the job you want, but it'S the start of a path that'll take you somewhere. Have fun with it. Work that gets you no where may be the work where you meet a mentor who has admiration for your talents and gives you a real chance. You've got to start at the starting line - and it's frightening. Most of us end up doing something else completely different than we intended... and for most of us, it's ok. My first degree was in painting/drawing/fine art. my specialty? drawing nudes. Ha! I was _so_ unemployable...

The catch is, you can't see the opportunity until it knocks. It's not going to knock unless you're at the door listening.

Hang in there... i felt my life was over when i graduated. The best is truly yet to come. Have faith in that!

[Union Thug]

41. I did the opposite and regret it every day...

I'm one of those that checks the "Some College" box on the surveys. I really wish I would have been able to finish. I would trade the 40K debt for my lack of job stability. At 42 years old, I've played the "fake it till you make it" game all my life. In college, I was a 4 point student, I was on the president's list at Seattle University for the entire time I was there. I had promise, but a combination of financial problems and family needs won out, and then twenty years passed - quickly. Now, I'm screened out of half the jobs I apply for 'cuz I don't have that degree.

It may not seem like it now, but you'll be fine. If a half-educated moron like me can fake it through life, you will do great. I can understand what you are going through. I lived in a '73 Gran Torino for a while, then in a run down, rotting mobile home after that, I went through a period where I lived on the back of a motorcycle and I was so angry that I told the whole goddamned world to fuck off. I lost everything and filed for bankruptcy in the late 90's. But, at least for the time being, I'm doing okay.

Hang in, have a drink or a big bong hit, and relax. It all works out.

[Codeblue]

46. I wish I could have a bong hit

I should be able to do it legally but Republican dickheads in this state voted to keep it illegal. Because, you know, all those people out destroying lives because they get high. Whatever...

One of the problems is that it seems like a lot of people went through it while they were single. They had the obligation to themselves and that's it. That is not the case for me. I'd be okay living in a shitty mobile home for a while if I was by myself. But I have obligations to others beside myself.

[Union Thug]

48. Oh man, I can relate to the obligation stuff...

Hang in, friend. That was my thing... I had a child very young and when you have mouths to feed, work comes before school. It's a hard road. Know that you have people that are with you in spirit.

Peace...

[Codeblue]

49. :)

:)

[Codeblue]

52. I'll be back

For now though, I have things that need attending to.

Thank you all for so much support and help. I'll certainly think about it tonight and I'll be anxious to see what else people come up with overnight.

Thank you all

:*

[Bluerthanblue]

54. Everything you say

has merit. Your frustration and feelings of being overwhelmed are pretty accurate in my opinion. I think if most of us actually stopped and looked at the 'big picture' of our life, and all that is or may be 'required of us' we'd all feel like giving up- giving in.
But if you look back at how far you have come in life- If you could see your accomplishments, and the obstacles you've overcome to get to where you are right now,- and have someone say 'this is what you are going to have to do'- you'd probably feel similarly overwhelmed- But you did it- not all in one wallop- but bit by bit, day by day-

I struggle with emotional issues myself- I also get overwhelmed by the weight of my world, and the responsibilities that seek to suffocate me. It helps to take things in manageable bites- and try and let things go a bit. Carpe diem- and consider that oftentimes it is not our destination that brings us true contentment, it is the journey. You have just finished a major life accomplishment. And this world is full of turmoil and disorder- You cannot control the world, look to what you can control, and trust yourself - you have what it takes, and you are an important piece of this community of sojourners-
Be gentle with you, take baby steps, and don't forget to recognize your progress- and honor your courage-

Sending you hope and good wishes-
:hug:
peace,
blu

[peacetalksforall]

55. If you're not on hard prescription drugs and are not a big

smoker drinker user - try St. John's Wort or something someone else steers you to that can be purchased from a serious health food coop while you find out who you are going to consult - if you go for oonsultation.

But I think I understand where you're coming from as far as asking DU - it's hard to explain to someone who is not on the same wave length as you when the issue is fairness vs absurdity. Injustice, excessiveness hurts. Some hearts hurt more.

What have you studied? Can you be separated from your family and friends to teach in another country for money, but where the expenses could be low - with money left over to put towards the loan - where you could get out of the place your in to enter a new world for awhile?

Or ... don't jump out of your skin ... do you have a qualification that would help you get a job - with ,,,,,,, the government! - to change what you're facing? I fully believe the right wing has been grooming people for civic positions - just thinking ... we need people to reverse what they've been doing and we need some of us to work there to fight for fairness and realism.

Just long shots.

[pinto]

56. Hi Codeblue,

Sorry you're having a hard time. I've called this number before: 1-800-784-2433.
They have some good folks on the line.

We care, but we're not really qualified to offer more than our personal support in the forum. These guys are pros, though, and really easy to talk to. Give them a shout. They'll be glad you called.

Here's the number again -

1-800-784-2433

Thanks,
pinto

[pinto]

57. Locked.

Thanks.