Top 10 Reasons to Police State the Internets

[madmusic]

by U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff

10. People chat on it. And when people chat, they get ideas. And when they get ideas, they don't do what they are told. So we will infiltrate chat with "intelligence fusion centers" to keep their IQs down.

9. People might learn how to make bombs, like the London bombers didn't. They did all their planning in person, but they may have used the internet to buy backpacks or clothes or something.

8. The world is a scary place, and only we have the right to spread moral panic with terrorist alerts. The people are too dumb to understand how scary the world is so they should count on us to know when to be afraid, very afraid.

7. Porn. God and Gore didn't invent the Internets to deliver porn to workers at work. We have lost over 27,000,000,000,000 hours of work time to porn, and that is why the deficit is in the trillions.

6. As my friend Alberto says, downloading child porn is victimizing the child again, as viewing a news report of a murder is murdering again, and viewing a car accident on the news is the same as driving you car into a pedestrian. You have our permission to be very afraid about this.

5. It is too easy for Interneters to debunk propaganda vital to our national security interest. Take gas prices, for example... no, nevermind. Take NSA spying... no, not that one, either. Take... just trust me on this one.

4. There is Hollywood stuff on the Internets and everyone knows Hollywood is a commie plot to destroy America. Take Michael J. Fox, for example. Um, no, trust me on this one, too.

3. Our Secret Service research at Democratic Underground proves that citizens no longer take government announcements seriously. Interneters joke about vitally serious matters. This trivializes the superb intellectual integrity of this administration. After carefully considering producing a Reefer Madness II, we has to dismiss the idea for fear of ridicule. See number 5 above.

2. The Internet drastically interferes with elections. Republicans cannot win an election without carefully controlled information reaching the voters. Take Rush Limbaugh, for example. Scratch that. Take Ann Coulter, please, take her!

And the number one reason to Police State the Internets....

1. We have to stop Democratic Underground!

[jeff30997]

1. Lol !

Great list ! Thanks madmusic,I needed a laugh.

[madmusic]

3. If only Chertoff were joking! :)

[JohnnyLib2]

2. Thanks! Sounds like some of your genes

are from RWers??

[madmusic]

4. This went right over my head.

No surprise, a lot does.

[JohnnyLib2]

5. I meant you are able to sound so much like a right winger that

maybe you inherited some of it. Sorry. Loved the list.

[madmusic]

7. Oh, goodie. Thanks! Really, that was the intent.

If not a little bit convincing, it wouldn't be funny at all.

[razors edge]

6. sounds about right to me

they would probably see no problem saying such things as well, since the brain dead would cheer them on.

[madmusic]

8. It's already happening.

On different fronts, some public, some not. Seriously, once they take control of the Internet, we're fucked.

[razors edge]

9. Although I hate the idea of

a police state coming to America, something tells me it would be better for it to happen under the obvious incompetence we now are forced to endure, rather than the slick talk of a McCain type who could sell it to a larger audience.

If they try it and fail, nobody else in the next fifty years will dare try it again.

[madmusic]

10. You make an excellent point.

American democracy is predominantly the illusion of freedom anyway. Back in college a philosophy prof and and English lit prof had this conversation in one of their offices, forget which, and I had little understanding of what they were talking about. I knew there were little mini police states here and there in California, but thought as most do that it was only a matter of obeying the law. Everyone knew, including convicts, that if you do the crime, do the time. Simple as that. Then I read a study done in Texas, and the average college student owed the state 2 1/2 years in prison. Probably a lot more now. Everyone is a criminal. That's how many laws we have.

And the Feds never mattered. They only bothered big time people, not drug users and petty criminals such as DUI and other offenses. Now the Feds have a huge police force and prison system. They have a say in state laws across the nation and various sweeps include the Feds even for crimes that are not federal. If someone is found not guilty in state court, they may still be tried and convicted for the same crime in federal court. What the fuck is that?

BushCo isn't cunning enough to maintain the illusion of freedom. You're right, McCain might be, so might some Democrats. Both parties and some libertarians have contributed to this in a big way. As long as the people are afraid, they are helpless. As long as they are helpless, they can be controlled. As long as they can be controlled, there is the real risk of totalitarian fascism.

It sounds crazy, I know, but the research DUers know things are not what they seem. We are fooled every day, day in and day out.

Being paranoid is better than duped and waking up on the way to a concentration camp one day. Sometimes only crazy people know the truth.