AARP Changes Name to Reflect New Societal Trends

[Atman]

AARP Changes Name to Reflect New Societal Trends

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

October 12, 2006

American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) CEO Bill Novelli announced today that the 35 million member organization's Board Of Directors has approved a name change, and will now be known as the American Association of Old People Who Must Work Until They're Dead. In a brief statement before a crowd of geriatric McDonald's workers, Novelli said "We know the new name is a bit clunkier than the old one, but it was determined that under the policies put in place by the Bush administration, the idea of actually being able to retire has become but a distant memory for most Americans."

Novelli noted that many on the board had wanted a simpler acronym, and that the AAFP, or American Association of Fucked People, ran a close second in a member poll, but it was feared the sexual double entendre might cause confusion. "Many of our members are already very confused," Novelli said. "We didn't want to compound their problems, or get their hopes up."

Since George W. Bush took office, pensions, retirement packages and other long-term benefits have all but vanished in America. "Older Americans who are not already cronies of the Bush administration simply no longer have the means to enjoy the traditional notion of retirement, with peaceful days spent enjoying travel, gardening, being able to afford clothing and medication," Novelli continued. It isn't all bad news for seniors, though, according to press material distributed at the event along with a Matchbox car and five-piece order of McNuggets -- McDonalds has agreed to increase it's Senior Discount to 12%, which should help ease some of the financial burdens older Americans face as the ramifications of Bush's policies continue to unfold.

A scheduled question and answer session was cut short when the presentation went longer than expected and 18 year old store manager Lashawn Kravitz told the seniors he would dock their pay if they went beyond their allotted fifteen minute break time.

[SharonRB]

1. LOL

[smokey nj]

2. .......

You should submit this to the Onion.

[Freedom_from_Chains]

3. Does this mean I'm not going to get my discounts either?

[wicket]

4. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

[classof56]

5. Thanks for the pointed chuckle-producing take on this.

Perhaps I would find it funnier if I weren't on Social Security but have had to go back to work, something I never really thought I'd have to do BB (before Bush). And right now I cannot anticipate the day when I don't have to work. I do thank Our Dear Leader for his caring concern about me and my fellow elders--I think of him often during my working hours. Yes, indeed--almost every minute!



Tired Old Cynic

[yy4me]

20. Ditto, I'm in the same boat. And it is sinking as fast as my

insurance payments are rising. Retirement doesn't work so I returned to the workforce at a job that pays less than I earned before but was less stressful. But you guessed it, laid off. Now 100% of health insurance(under COBRA now) will be out of pocket. Been looking at the offerings in my area on various job search web sites. Yipes. Horrible jobs or the old....must be proficient with Microsoft Office, Photoshop, Excel, etc... Far more skills than I have to offer.
I think I'm a little old to go back to school and frankly, I don't have the energy.

[Atman]

6. Whoa, thanks for the recs!

I was just havin' fun...I thought this would sink like a stone!

.

[originalpckelly]

7. Sad because it is so true...

but also funny as hell, good job Atman!

[elocs]

8. I am 54 and have been solicited by AARP for years to join.

I put all of their requests in my circular file (actually it is rectangular, but they end up in the same place).

[Hubert Flottz]

16. I do the same thing with the trash they send me!

They have done nothing but lie and support the GOP.

[IndyOp]

21. AARP's latest "Don't Vote" campaign is blue...

Don't Fall for the Song & Dance - Don't miss the red tie and red dress...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-rG4S92Sn6I

[barb162]

9. KICK!

[nickyt]

10. Most excellent. Sending this around. Thanks! n/t

[Sunshine Jim]

11. ROFLMAO!

that's hilarious!

kept track of them for a few years

after my Mom (80 yo) bought me a membership for my Bday...

(she has a very strange sense of humour) it did'nt take me long to figger

out that they were a front group for the big med and insurance thieving soulsuckers!

[Atman]

12. Morning kick

Thanks...maybe I should just focus on FAKE news now. It's worked well for a couple of others, I hear!

.

[Sunshine Jim]

18. was well done!

smokey nj is right, submit to the Onion, if only to give the gang in the office a good laugh! the thing about humor used politically is that when they laugh you know they got the point.

[PA Democrat]

13. LOL! Thanks for the early morning chuckle.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

14. Did you write that?

Because if you did, you've got a fine eye for humour. This:


Novelli noted that many on the board had wanted a simpler acronym, and that the AAFP, or American Association of Fucked People, ran a close second in a member poll, but it was feared the sexual double entendre might cause confusion. "Many of our members are already very confused," Novelli said. "We didn't want to compound their problems, or get their hopes up."

Is the funniest fucking thing I've read all week.

[Atman]

17. Thanks! Yes, I wrote it last night

I ACCIDENTALLY got a copy of the AARP magazine in my mailbox yesterday. I swear! It wasn't addressed to me, my mailman screwed up, honest!



.

[Cessna Invesco Palin]

19. I like the style.

It reads like some kind of demented AP piece. Very few people, in my experience, are good at satarising print journalism on its own terms. This is some of the best bits I've read in a while.

I almost hesitate to mention it, but you can read some of my gibberish at:
http://lifeintheyuck.blogspot.com

Regardless, you've got a talent. And I know how hard it is to write stuff like that. Keep up the good work. I've sent that bit you wrote off to at least twenty people tonight, and they've all dug it.

[Sparkly]

15. K&R

[proud2BlibKansan]

22. This is fabulous!

Kudos!!