An Open Letter to Sen. Norm Coleman from Lazlo Toth

[joemurphy]

Office of Senator Norman Coleman
U.S. Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Re: Your Decision Not to Run for President

Dear Senator Coleman:

My wife (Elsbeta Toth) and I are both long-time Republican voters. We are also two of your biggest fans. We’ve been following your political career ever since you lost the Minnesota Gubernatorial Election to Jesse “The Body” Ventura. Since that dark day, we have watched your comeback and emergence as one of President Bush’s top guys in Congress.

I know you agonize over all the important decisions you have to make up there in the Senate. It's clearly a mark of your high intelligence and heart that after all your thought, you've voted 98% of the time in favor of all of Mr. Bush’s key programs!

And don’t think we haven’t appreciated your principled stand on family values. Both Elsbeta and I had tears in our eyes as we watched you cast your vote to prolong the life of Teri Schiavo on C-Span. It wasn’t your fault that she was brain dead at the time! No one can blame you for that. She certainly looked vibrant and alive to us.

We also appreciated your support for the President’s War in Iraq and his generous tax cut that so stimulated our economy. (Elsbeta and I framed the $20.47 check we got back from the IRS by way of a refund. It’s still hanging proudly in our living room, right next to your picture).

However, I take pen in hand today to express my shock and dismay on learning that you have decided not to run for President in 2008. I learned this terrible news in a newpaper article in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune. The article quoted you as saying:

“I'm not running for vice president. I'm not running for president. ... If nominated, I won't run"

Given our strong support for you, you can well imagine what a dismal moment it was in the Toth household when I learned of this horrible development. I still haven’t had the heart to tell Elsbeta. She'll be devastated.

You see, Elsbeta and I recently sold our home and furniture here in Indiana. We have to move out per our contract later this week and I've already rented a U-Haul. We did this in order to raise enough money so that we could relocate to Minneapolis by 2008 and contribute money to your Presidential campaign. It was our fervent hope that we could both attend the Republican Presidential Convention, be there in person to see you get the GOP nomination for President, and proudly watch you make your acceptance speech. I still harbor faint hopes that maybe, somehow, in some way, you’ll change your mind about not running and this long-held dream of ours could still become a reality. I know this is only one letter among the avalanche of correspondence that you're probably getting on this matter, but please, please reconsider! Your country so needs you, Senator Coleman! Don't turn your back on her!

Think about it. Assuming you won (and Elsbeta and I know you’d be a shoo-in), you’d be the first President named “Norm” to occupy the White House! President Norm Coleman! It certainly has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

I’d imagine that right now you’re thinking: “Wow, Poor Mr. And Mrs. Toth! They should have checked with me before taking that big step and selling their house!”

Yes, I guess we should have. But after Elsbeta and I read that Karl Rove was "grooming you for higher office" and we learned that you had spent all that money to have your teeth capped, we were convinced that your “hat was in the ring.” We didn’t think that asking you about it was necessary. We never would have guessed that you’d have such extensive dental work just to make another run at a measly Minnesota Senate seat.

I don’t mean to imply, of course, that your dental work wasn’t worth the money. I’ve seen for myself the “Before” and “After” photos that your dentist posted on the Internet. Here’s a website that still has them up in case you want to take a look:

http://www.rawstory.com/exclusives/byrne/norm_coleman_f...

Quite a contrast, eh? I guess you sort of made dental history, didn’t you? Heh, heh.

Anyway, those new big pearly-white teeth of yours made you look so “Presidential,” Elsbeta and I were convinced that you were going to make a run at the Oval Office in 2008. As soon as we saw them, we hired a broker and sold our house.

By the way, I hope you aren’t offended when I tell you that those old yellowish ones that you used to have (probably from all that marijuana you smoked back in your student radical days at Hofstra) -- well, let's face it, they just weren’t very flattering. It was also smart of you to have that big gap you used to have in front surgically corrected. (Hey! Maybe you could give the name of your dentist to Condi Rice!) Anyway, the main thing is that now you're really photogenic! No wonder you have that big grin on your face in all your official pictures!

So, how about it? Couldn’t you just reconsider about not running? Don’t feel like it’s too late to change your mind. After all, you’ve changed your mind with good results for your career in the past.

Hey, remember back in your radical days at Hofstra when you said in the student newspaper:

“These conservative kids don't fuck or get high like we do (purity, you know).”

See, you don’t feel that way about conservatives now, do you?. You weren't afraid to change when "family values" became so important to you in your more mature years.

And remember back in 1993 when you ran for Mayor of St. Paul and said:

“I am a lifelong Democrat. Some accuse me of being the fiscal conservative in this race — I plead guilty! I'm not afraid to be tight with your tax dollars. Yet, my fiscal conservatism does not mean I am any less progressive in my Democratic ideals. From Bobby Kennedy to George McGovern to Warren Spannaus to Hubert Humphrey to Walter Mondale — my commitment to the great values of our party has remained solid.”

And remember when you chaired Democratic Senator Paul Wellstone's re-election campaign in 1996 and were making his nomination speech at the 1996 state convention and said:

"Paul Wellstone is a Democrat, and I am a Democrat."

But these prior statements didn’t stop you from changing your mind, becoming a Republican, and running against Senator Wellstone in 2002, did it? If you hadn't changed your mind, you probably wouldn't be in the Senate today. Well, that and the fact that Senator Wellstone died in that plane crash in the middle of the campaign.

You see, what I mean? Don't be so squeamish. Don’t feel like you can’t back out of your promise not to run that you made to that newspaper. There are higher principles at play than mere newspaper promises. We need a man of principle like you in the White House! I'll bet President Bush and Dick Cheney feel the same way. That was then, and this is now!

Well, I guess that’s about all I have to say. I really hope you change your mind. But if you don’t, don’t worry about Elsbeta and all the money we lost on our home. We’ll get along somehow. Besides, there are still a few other Republican “heavyweights” like you around that Elsbeta and I could throw our support to (I’m sort of leaning to Rep. Tom Tancredo or Gov. Haley Barbour – but only if Alan Keyes isn’t nominated. Elsbeta prefers Liddy Dole or Kay Bailey Hutchison. But remember, you’re still our first choice!).

So, keep on smiling, big fella! And keep on doing President Bush’s bidding! We’re all with ya on it here in Indiana!

Your friend,

Lazlo Toth

Voting for Republicans (both unindicted and indicted) since 1952!

(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)