What if the Rapture actually hurts?

[gulliver]

When we say people were "called home by God," we usually mean they have died. And a lot of those deaths -- perhaps most -- are "less than desirable." So what if the Rapture works that way? What if God actually implements The Rapture using heart attacks and IEDs? Or sharks? The time comes and sharks suddenly swim down from the sky and chew the elect to ribbons -- right in their cars with the W bumper stickers.

What if the Apocalypse misfires? Suppose the Middle East melts down, and a nuclear war is sparked. And then Gog and Magog (whatever) rise from the sea with seven heads (whatever). And then it just turns into some boring, dreary decade where all of mankind dies slowly of starvation, radiation sickness, and countless forms of brute murder. And then it's all over, and Jesus never comes back. And evolution continues with arthropods and weeds.

Wouldn't that be ironic? The dopey fairy tale never comes true. Only the realistic disaster part happens. Israel is destroyed, and nine tenths of everything else, but none of the lyrical, mythological, FX stuff happens. The mushroom clouds bulge upward, but they end up being portents of nothing more than the sane would expect, bad times ahead. All the power dies. And we're all still sitting here the next day, sweating in the heat or freezing, wondering about our next meal, and thinking what idiots we were.

[Nikki Stone 1]

1. I like the idea of sharks chomping the faithful into Rapture

[KatyMan]

29. I think monkeys with rocks

would be cool...

[Erika]

2. I think that is where we are right now

and the fundies can't admit it. Avoidance is one thing they do good.

[savemefromdumbya]

3. Insects, bacteria etc would withstand a nuclear attack

we would die off. If the human race continues for another 50 years then robots may succeed us.

The 'rapture' is more likely to be caused by a meteorite

[ShortnFiery]

4. I don't think "The Rapture" could be much more painful ...

than these past SIX torturous years of Bush-Co?

[Erika]

9. I think that was the beginning of hell on earth

and God forgot to give the proper signs.

[shadowknows69]

5. That's probably a more accurate prophecy

than anything in the Bible. Great post.

[Swamp Rat]

11. He left out the part about people eating each other.

Think, gangs of cannibals.

[lumpy]

33. LOL a lot

Yesh indeed.

[aden_nak]

6. Of course The Rapture would be painful.

It would require one to spend an eternity with His Royal Chimpiness.

[w4rma]

14. I sincerly doubt that mass murderer will be spending any time in heaven

once he is worm food.

[Webster Green]

7. "Land shark"........

Yikes!

[Buns_of_Fire]

41. *knock* *knock* *knock* "Who's there?" "Candygram!"

[Freedom_Aflaim]

8. I suppose we could then say

"told ya so"

Although being right might really suck in this case.

[wtmusic]

10. "The Rapture" won't cut it for a name, then

too bad..."The Agony" doesn't create much of an incentive to go to church

[MannyGoldstein]

12. I Guess That Would Suck.

Think nice thoughts instead.

[autorank]

13. I think you meant a "rupture," which can cause some real pain;)

You are definitely going on my buddy list. This is very dark and, if there were a rapture, it's how it would go. I speculated recently on the reason earth is the only place you find humans: humans populated many planets and were so destructive, the entire mechanism of galactic evolution has conspired to wipe us off of one planet after another. This is the last stand and we're about to blow it. How's that?

[shadowknows69]

15. That's a brilliant theory

and depressingly plausible.

[autorank]

20. Where ever we show up is the "bad" neighborhood...

...I just heard someone say how important we are because we're unique in the universe and I thought, hey, what if there's a nasty rationale behind that. Sign of the times.

[Kiouni]

30. i like where this is going

but what if it was more simple then that, what if god just wanted an elaborate way to make popcorn and hes just trying to get it nuked. it could be like the beer machine in "waiting"

[autorank]

31. haha...I think that one is in the running....

But there's probably going to be a real nasty aftertaste (like Ruth Gordon complained about in "Rosemary's Baby")

[Skidmore]

38. Would make a great sci-fi feature movie, wouldn't it?

I would pay to see that one in the theater and not wait till it made it to the cable channels.

[Mojambo]

16. That's why you always lube up before hand. n/t

[Mabus]

17. God flips the switch and turns off all the fundie robots?

Cool.

[koopie57]

18. I feel sort of bad for those who are eagerly

awaiting the rapture. I think what we should do is invite them all to a rapture party at Fox News and get them all excited and then give them the rapture. They would be happy, and we could get on with getting things back on tract. Like maybe we could lock all the doors and windows and turn the heat up in the building to 99 degrees and then blow itching powder through the vents. When they came out they would have a much different attitude I think. All those people hosing them down would be made to look like Clinton or Carter.

[Caretha]

39. Continue please.....I like where this is heading n/t

[koopie57]

42. and then we could tell them

that they actually went to hell but were given a reprieve cuz the godless liberals asked God to have pity on them.

[MoseyWalker]

19. Then I want to be somewhere else at the time

Sorry. If something hurts, I don't want to be involved.

I like puppies and flowers and watching little children play (and not in a psycho way)

I can't imagine why anyone would want to be raptured.

Life ain't easy, but earth ain't such a bad place.

Maybe I'm just not paying attention.

Mantra: Damn. I'm Dumb

[gumby]

21. I always thought "The Rapture" meant "end of the world."

Now I know that's not exactly the scenario.

However, I thought the Biblical story was that the world was going to end with Fire. I used to think that would be through thermal nuclear destruction. After this summer, I think we will burn up from global warming.

And just think, that's something the Rapture people could have been opposing since the Cold War. Instead, they have been egotistically hoping to 'bring it on.'

They live in a Death Cult.

[lumpy]

34. Yeah, that old sun has been heating up

lately, according to National Geographic. Maybe there really is a Sun God.

[QuestionAll...]

22. it's the oldest typo known - 'Rupture' -

and yah, it can hurt.

[DoyBoy]

23. Yeah the Rapture hurts...

It makes my brain hurt every time I have to hear about it from some fundie nutcase!

By the way, since they are pushing so hard for it to happen, do you think they've gotten any corporate sponsors yet?

The Rapture brought to you by the US Army. Be an army of one (since you're the only one left).

or

General Electric presents the Rapture. We bring good things to light.

[Warren DeMontague]

24. ...This "Bible"... It's a COOKBOOK!

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

[Canuckistanian]

26. All that fundamentalism for one purpose only

To soften up their brains to make them more tender.

[gumby]

27. EGADS!!!!

You may have won the prize. Dinner for two.

Ack!Ack!Ack!

[Canuckistanian]

25. Not Gog and Magog

Kang and Kodos!

[leftofthedial]

28. what if the Rapture

is really the Rupture?

[lumpy]

32. The "rapture' isn't going to happen.

A lot of people are going to be disappointed, didn't Dubya tell you the latest?, he talks to God, you know. If the world 'ends' it will be by the hand of man, not God's hand. Do you remember Noah's great flood? ; when the waters receded, a rainbow appeared in the sky, a sign and a promise from God that He would never destroy human life ever again.... Or Earth could be hit by a great big meteor, of course God might have just been kidding about that rainbow and changed his mind. Loophole: God meant he woouldn't flood the world again, didn't say anything about meteors. Global warming might kill off a bunch of living things also. The possibilities are endless.

[Tactical Progressive]

35. Well, the science of rapture would most likely mean

as the self-righteous slowly lift off the ground and rise towards 'heaven', with irrepressibly sanctimonious grins on their faces, it starts getting cold. Very cold. And the air starts thinning out. Their hands and feet begin freezing and turning blue. The pain of frostbite sets in as their lungs begin to burn. As they get up above the stratosphere their eyes explode just like in the sci-fi movies when they get sucked out of the pressure lock into space. There they are; tens of millions of frozen bodies in blind, undead agony orbiting the earth two hundred miles up, screaming into a silent space before they start to fall back to earth, burning up in a hell-hot re-entry and feeling every second of it, hurtling towards earth as living, burning corpses, slamming into the ground at terminal velocity and pulverizing every bone in their bodies. Still alive thanks to the almighty, who set up the immutable laws of science and physics for them to discover and not to dismiss with their 'creation theory' ass-holiness.

Then we'll all have to bury the burned piles of charred mulch, still alive, to spend an eternity under foot. And for them, worst of all: knowing we get to keep all of their shit.

Never having realized that god's sense of irony is beyond anything they think they know.

[Kailassa]

36. I hope you don't mind, but I've copied your post,

and I'm MSNing it to all my buddies here in Australia.

You're making a lot of people laugh tonight.

Luckily we don't have many rapture-believers in Australia, and the few I know don't have the brains to turn on a computer ... or each other even, which helps keep their numbers down.

bah, Never forget to preview ...

[Caretha]

40. Wow!

I'm impressed.....I think you may have a script, could be marketable to a small film company. Think Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[TomClash]

37. I suppose one allegory deserves another nt