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My name is George Bush. I was born into a family of wealth and power. My Granddaddy assisted in making sure Adolf Hitler had the supplies he needed to attack innocent countries and slaughter innocent people, even after such assistance was declared illegal in the United States.
I've pretty much been a fuck up ever since I sucked in my first breath of air. I was a mediocre student, more interested in partying and womanizing than anything else. Yeah, I know about that sex is forbidden before marriage shit in The Bible, but that was before I became a born again Christian, so I've been forgiven for all that.
When that awful Vietnam war was going on, I really didn't want to get down and dirty with the common troops, so my influential family pulled strings and twisted arms to keep me on American soil. But I didn't really want to be bothered with such things, so I just didn't show up, which was no loss to the military, because I learned to fly a plane that wasn't going to be used anymore, so I really wasn't able to contribute anything anyway.
My Daddy set me up with an opportunity at Harken Energy, but that got screwed up somehow and didn't make any money. So, I sold all my stock and bailed out before the bad news was released, and my family kept me from getting into trouble over my insider trading.
Then I got myself a baseball team, built a fancy new stadium, threw a bunch of people out of their homes to build it. Had to declare eminent domain to get the mo-fo's out. Really pissed off a lot of people over that one, but it doesn't matter because I'm better than all of them. F 'em if they don't like it. I don't care about them. Never did, never will. I traded Sammy Sosa, which was a mistake, but I'm not gonna take responsibility for that.
You see, it really wasn't my fault. I was drinking alcohol and snorting cocaine during the time, and I didn't really have any control over what was going on. I probably got stopped for drunk driving more times than I can remember, but it doesn't matter, those traffic incidents were taken care of, if you know what I mean.
Let's see, I got myself elected to be Governor of Texas. Man, that was a cool job! I executed a LOT of disgusting people while Governor. Oh, and I purged my official records so my past dirty deeds couldn't sneak up and bite me on the butt later. Heh heh heh, pretty clever, eh?
Then I decided I should be President of the United States of America. Daddy was President. So, I should be too. Al Gore got the most votes, but thanks to my favorite whore at the time, a certain lady named Harris in Florida, the disputed vote issue down there just went away, and my Daddy's Supreme Court appointees made sure I took office. It was the right thing to happen. The American people don't really know what they want. You see, what they feel doesn't matter. Fuck 'em. I'm in charge now.
The first few months in office were great! I got to use Air Force One whenever I wanted to, I spent tons of time on "working vacations" that make the American people think I'm doing something, when I'm really just hangin' out at my ranch in Crawford, Texas. Everything bad that happened during that time was blamed on Clinton, and people seemed to believe that excuse.
I saw some important memos about Osama somebody, but I didn't pay them no mind. I had brush to clear at the ranch. I had big deals to make for my buddies who helped me along the way. We made a new Energy Policy, did it behind closed doors. In secret, so to speak. Got the oil company CEO's and Big Dick to write it up. A few years later, gas prices are higher than ever before! WOO-HOO!! The oil companies are making a TON of money. No doubt I'll have a sweet position with one of them after my Presidency!!!
Then that attack on 9/11. Oh well, we got rid of those ugly buildings in New York. I never liked them, they were just plain boring. Now we can build something pretty in their place. And it gave me an excuse to declare a war on terra. After all, I had to avenge my Daddy's good name against that nasty Saddam Hussein. I just told everyone he was responsible for 9/11, he was harboring terraists, and that he was planning on attacking America with WMDs. No biggie. It didn't really matter if any of it was true, we got the war we wanted, and Big Dick's buds at Halliburton are very appreciative of our efforts on their behalf.
Let's see...oh, I got myself another term as President, which pleased me to no end, because even Daddy didn't accomplish that. I told everyone it was a mandate from the American people. Oh, I still lost the popular vote, but my good buds at Diebold made sure to bring victory my way. They said they would before the election, even. No one thought to ask how they could guarantee such a thing. Hee hee.
Things went pretty well for a year or so after the election, but those pesky poll numbers kept dropping. People wanted ME - ME - George Dubya - to be held accountable for my actions! BULLSHIT! And all that Katrina stuff, that's what really started it all. All those black people expecting to be treated the same as everyone else! What nerve!! Who do they think they are? I've got a black woman in my administration, for God's sake. What else do they want? Plus, I was on vacation when Katrina hit. I'd been working hard. A President deserves some down time.
It's been mostly downhill ever since. All those black people saying mean things about me at Coretta Scott King's funeral. What nerve. I'm surprised that anyone in America still believes I give a shit about what they want. I mean, how dumb are they? I've even told a few of them to their faces, while smiling for the cameras, that I didn't give a shit about them. I've shot those protesters the finger through the bullet proof glass of my limo, too.
But you see, it really isn't my fault. It never has been, why should it be so now? I'm the most powerful man in the free (or is that formerly free) world, and I'm going to take advantage of that position.
None of this really matters to me, anyway. I'll never be affected by the outcome of my deeds. I'm insulated. I can blame everything on someone else. Why should I have to accept responsibility for anything? I'm better than everyone else. Mommy and Daddy have always told me so. I know they wouldn't lie to me.
So, to everyone out there who thinks I have any obligation to them, think again. You're wrong. My only obligation is to myself, and serving the needs of my family so they can continue to prosper and grow at everyone else's expense. It's worked well for us so far, why would anyone want to change things now?
George W. Bush
:sarcasm:
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