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varkam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-27-10 01:29 AM
Original message
I'm back.
I've missed this place, and especially this corner of this place. The truth is, I guess, that I haven't really gone anywhere but just haven't come by for reasons that would probably take a while to explain. I am doing okay - still in law school, still working for a firm in town, and definitely still a sex addict.

I still go to meetings. I keep in touch with my sponsor. A lot of my friends at school and at work know my situation and are there for me, which keeps me focused and accountable. I wish I could say that I have things figured out, though, but I don't. God continues to be a mystery to me. I find even the very basic notion of surrender almost insurmountable on days when I want to reclaim my "master of the universe" status - it's as if I refuse to want to live in this state of trust in my higher power and trust in what the future holds. Like I'm thinking that things have to work out just a certain way or else I'll die and not having faith that things will work out even if they don't work out exactly like I plan them.

And then there is of course the addiction. I do well with it most days it seems like, or maybe I'm just too busy to really think about it. But now and then I get a hit, something pulls me off to one side. I got some text messages from a woman I used to act out with. She's married, and has two children now. The relationship that we have had for several years is very destructive to both of us. I think about the relationships that I've ruined...mine, her's, other people's....I think about all the lies that I've told, all the people that I've used and hurt, all the things that I've done without any real consideration for how what I did would affect other people....and yet my hand still trembles when I look down at my phone and see a message from her. I can play the tape forward, and think about all the possible outcomes -- the bad ones -- divorce, custody hearings, suicide, homicide, kids growing up without a mom, kids growing up without a dad, insanity. And yet, my hand still trembles.

Sometimes I'm angry that I'm this way. I'm angry that I have this...thing...this addiction. But I suppose in the end anger is really a fool's errand because it doesn't change the fact that I am who I am...what I am.

What I need, really, is a group of people that I can be honest with and who can be honest with me. I'm thankful that I have that in my personal life, with my family and friends, with some professors at school, with my bosses at work.

And here, too. It was a big factor in my decision to come back. I hope you're all doing well.

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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-27-10 05:52 AM
Response to Original message
1. Good to hear from you, Varkam.
Glad things still OK with school and job, and maybe glad you're angry. Others here can discuss that with you.

Have you had snow recently? I HAVE! Stay in touch!

E

:hi:
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varkam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Feb-28-10 05:44 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. You as well.
I think it probably is a good thing that I'm angry. At least it means that some very basic part of me recognizes that this is not the way things should be. I think that, at least, is progress.

And snow?

Let's just say I'm ready for spring. :hi:
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Kajsa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Feb-27-10 10:21 AM
Response to Original message
2. It's so good to see you back, Varkam!
You are one of the nicest people I know and I
love to read your posts.

I'm glad you have a good support network.
It is very important for us in recovery.

It's One Day at a Time, my friend.
No more and it can be cut down to hours, minutes at a time.

This road to recovery is very uneven.
Have your tools ready when the rough crap hits.

Sex addiction has received a lot of attention lately.
Hopefully, more people will gain some understanding of it.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

Welcome back, we've missed you!

:hug:
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varkam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Feb-28-10 05:45 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. I'm glad that you're still here.
I've always enjoyed reading your posts and you've always been entirely too kind to me. How have you been?
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Kajsa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Feb-28-10 03:25 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. I'm doing well, thanks.
I'm still teaching part time and keeping
busy.

Time flies by much too quickly.

Thank you for the kind words.

:) :hug:
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NMDemDist2 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-07-10 03:05 PM
Response to Original message
6. hey dude
good to 'see' you

i haven't been around much, but it's good to know we're stilling trudging the road to happy destiny eh?

:hug:
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Joe Chi Minh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-11-10 09:23 AM
Response to Original message
7. It means you're human, Varkam. Why get angry about that. Fearful, in a sense, yes.
But not angry.

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Joe Chi Minh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-11-10 11:15 AM
Response to Original message
8. Varkam, something's just struck me that I hadn't been able to put my finger on. I don't
think your main problem is one of sex-addiction, but of loyalty, or rather, of a loyalty deficit; in some ways, a more troubling flaw.

After all it's easy enough for a male to get relief, even with unmarried females if relatively unconstrained by religious convictions. So you need to counter self-indulgence (however magical its immediate reward) with some self-denial. It's not major self-denial. But you need a rationale, which in any case you already seem to have in essence, with your concern for the harmful and potentially harmful effects on other people currently knowingly or unknowingly involved.
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