Desperately need help here

[mzteris]

I hesitate to post this on a board that anyone can read - and can google and well - shit - I don't want the frickin' world knowing my intimacy problems but JHC! I'm having some major problems here and don't know what to do! It's not like I can just discuss this with people I "know"! (I wish there was a way to post anonymously sometimes!!)

I haven't had ANY desire in like two years now. None, nada, zip. Hubby was gone for a year overseas - with infrequent trips back - so we were able to muddle through. He's been back since Oct and Nothing! (nothing since last JUNE, actually!!) and he's getting a wee bit tired of the whole thing.

To put it mildly.

I know a great deal of it is the menopausal hormonal thing. (And it wouldn't do any good to talk to the gyn about hormones 'cause I have vision loss with migraines so that *ain't* gonna be an option.
:( ) compounded by the fact that now we're arguing all the time.

It doesn't help that I can't just "do it". (I was victim of child molestation so it brings back HORRIBLE memories for me.) I mean, I guess I can - I have in the past - but it makes me bitter and angry and does nothing for our relationship. Well - he feels great and all lovey dovey even if I just "let him" - but I FEEL LIKE SHIT!! And then he gets all mad about that! or the fact that I can't "fake it".

Anyway - he's issued an "ultimatum" - either we're intimate or he's hitting the road. Heck he's nearly left several times in the past few months over this - but guilt over the kids keeps us slogging through.

We're fighting about everything now, it seems.

I accuse him of only caring about his d--k.

He accuses me of being controlling and manipulative and that I should understand how HE feels and that I just need to "get over it".

I DO understand how he feels but I can't help how *I* feel.

And with the ultimatum, it gets to be a "control" issue and god forbid I should let anybody "control" me.

:cry:

GDIT - I feel like I'm really stuck here. If I just "let him" - I hate him more. If I don't - he hates ME more - and f'ing leaves me.

We really don't want to separate - on some level we do still love each other - and we truly want our kids to have both their parents.

What the f do I do??? (no pun intended.)

Sorry if this is way to personal for a freakin message board but I'm really desperate.

[Sanity Claws]

1. Sorry to hear

You need help. Since you don't want to go to a gynecologist who will likely use hormones, try alternative medicine. What about a doctor of traditional chinese medicine or a naturopathic doctor?
Both will take detailed histories from you to come with a plan to help you. They rely on herbs and dietary changes; the doctor of TCM may also recommend acupuncture.
If you don't know how to find either one of these practitioners, let me know and I'll try to give you ideas to help you find one.

[mzteris]

5. I've been trying

to use herbs/vitamins myself. Some are helping with the PMS/menopause - but the old libido is still non-functioning.

I believe I remember seeing a brochure for a very good Chinese herbalist/acupuncturist in the area - I'll need to check around.

I did promise hubby I would see the gyn, though, for a complete physical. It's not that I don't *want* to use hormones (though I'm not sure I do) - but I don't think I CAN due to the migraine/vision thing.

I will say he told me yesterday he wasn't really going to leave me. He loves me and understands what I'm going through, but just that he gets VERY frustrated. And no, he doesn't really get *why* I can't just go through the motions. He's a "just get over it" kinda guy. He doesn't worry about the past - so why should I. "It was a long time ago, why does it still bother you?" Duh.

Well, why indeed? I don't know why it's suddenly become such a problem. Though, to be honest, I think there is some "rigidity" in thinking going on. I've always been a bit on the "oppositional defiant disorder" spectrum (never diagnosed, but welllllll.... people didn't call me *Contrary Teri* as a kid for nothing...... LOL) and on the OCD spectrum for perseverative thoughts. Probably all due to PSTD, eh. . .

Logically, intellectually, I KNOW - - - but emotionally there's something inside that just won't let go. (And yeah, I've been through therapy years ago. I thought it was all pretty much behind me - so why is it rearing it's ugly head NOW? Could menopause have something to do with it? If so, what/how?

[NashVegas]

2. How Were You Before This Started?

Libido-wise, I mean? Has it always been tepid or is this something new? Is it possible that your lack of desire is more connected to unresolved sexual abuse issues than menopause? You say that in the past you allowed him to get his kicks while you weren't really into it.

Are you on any medications that may affect your libido?

Does Hubby do much to try to bring you *pleasure*? Do you allow him to?

[mzteris]

4. I used to be pretty - uh -

enthusiastic! And we used to work pretty well together. We've been together about 15 years.

I think it started out being a hormonal/menopause thing - and then a lot of the old baggage started to rear it's ugly head as things began to deteriorate. So now it's probably a combination.

Though I really believe the overriding factor is the hormones as I just don't have *any* interest, period.

[LaurenG]

3. There is an over the counter progesterone cream

called progest. There are several brand names but it's the one I used. I found it at the health food store. It isn't a yam cream. Also "The wisdom of menopause" by Christiane Northrup is an excellent book to help you get started sorting this out. Evidently this is fairly common side effect of peri-menopause/menopause. A physician can help you discover if your hormone levels are wacky. I knew a nurse who ended up taking testosterone for a while, she said it made all the difference in the world. I really think you can figure out how to work this out.:hug:

[mzteris]

6. Thanks.

I tried using some but I think I'm allergic. I don't remember the brand right off. I broke out in a rash. I've been meaning to try it again (in case it was something else that triggered the rash) but keep putting it off cause I hate dealing with those red itchy welts in case it is that.

I'll look for the book, too. Thanks.

I'm going to make an appt for the GYN and see if they can do a hormone level test - maybe thyroid, too as I've started putting on weight for no apparant reason! aaggghhh (Which, of course, doesn't help my self-image - though hubby does NOT care - he likes me with a little more meat I'm on my bones. LOL. But I've always been quite thin - except when I was pregnant - so this is just weird for me.)

[LiberalinNC]

7. First of all let me say that you are not alone, most women

I believe experience the not wanting to be intimate w/ their spouse at least once in their marriage/relationship. That being said, I believe you and your husband could benefit from couple's counseling. He needs to understand your fears and concerns especially since you were molested as a child. Most importantly, you need to feel better about yourself!!! One last item, you may want to ask your doctor to prescribe Vagifem Vaginal Tablets, I use them and thankfully they help me.

Good luck!

[politicat]

8. 1. You need to talk to your gyn/internist.

Libido loss is not necessarily a normal part of menopause, and with the other irritable and stress related symptoms I'm hearing (you were a single parent for a year, there, right?) there may be something else going on - brain chemistry issues or adrenal function issues. To me, it sounds like combination of stress, changing hormones and possibly some other chemical imbalance. See a doctor, look at your blood chemical contents, and consider a drug that won't disturb your migraines (i.e. not an MAOI, but a tricyclic antidepressant or an SSRI.)

You should be talking to a therapist, as well, someone who has some experience in dealing with adult survivors of abuse and who focuses on present emotional health and future functionality rather than past impact. There's no reason that you have to spend your life controlled by events in your past or by your present reactions to them. They're your feelings - you own them, they don't own you. If you don't like having them or if they make your world harder to deal with, there are ways of learning to manage them. Look for someone who does cognitive-behavioral therapy.

And third, he needs to be talking to someone - a marriage counselor or minister or other paraprofessional - about how to argue effectively, be supportive in sickness and bad times, and how not to see the world in terms of control, coercion and insistence. If he needs release, he's got two hands. Duh. You don't declare that an insurance company of 15 years' standing is going out of business because the copier is out of paper -- you add more. Marriage is about far more than sex, and always has been. Obviously he has some frustrations that he's externalizing as well, and using your lack of interest as a wedge rather than voicing the underlying frustration. That's not a good way to handle what's going on.

Good luck.

[Duppers]

9. you've gotten some excellent advice in this thread

Seek a good physician's help and talk with a therapist. It's worth saving your marriage.

Also, I didn't see another alternative mentioned: until you can solve the real problem, TRY Oral Sex - BLOWJOBS! Or hand-jobs, at least. You can satisfy him without hurting yourself. I've not meet the man who'd turn down either! ;)

If you want to love him with all your heart, tell him so. That will make a difference to him. Forgiveness can be learned. Speaking as one who's been there, done that.

Best of wishes to you.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

10. My therapist recommended I read, "The Sex-Starved Marriage."

I've been having desire issues myself (I think mine is due to anxiety issues/medication), and she thought this book might be helpful as a start. Good luck to you both. :)