A ramble....with a question

[OneGrassRoot]

Greetings Fellow DUers ~

I find I rarely post at GD...I basically post when I have a question lately. I'm intimidated by posting in the general forums because it sure can get feisty out there...lol. I check DU daily for news, however. There isn't a better source, in my humble opinion.

I share that as a way of introducing myself - I know I tend to be "suspicious" of those who post with less than 1000 posts, though surely trolls don't post hundreds and hundreds of times?

Anyway, like I said, this is a ramble, so thank you for bearing with me.

I lost a son 15 years ago this December. I haven't read through all the posts, but obviously grief - and the unpredictable nature of it - is familiar to many reading here. Some years I can handle it better than others. This is one of those years that is going to be tough, even though I'll never understand the reason why there is such an ebb and flow to the pain.

I'm here to ask an odd question of those of you who have been through, very specifically, the funeral process. My experience was that when my son died (I'm in NC), we were obviously in shock and in emotional distress, and my interactions with the funeral home personnel really left a bit of a scar. It was a good ole boy network. I know they meant well, but geez, there was just so little compassion, so little respect.

I am now engaged to someone who is going into this field. He is a very compassionate man, very different from the good ole boys I interacted with way back when, but I'm still hesitant. My fiance is an excellent salesman, but does so in a respectful way, never wanting to encourage anyone to buy something they don't need. He understands the concept of repeat business. He is at a point in his life where he finds he basically has to start over, and he is genuinely interested in this business because he feels he can contribute something positive to people who are in pain. His intentions are pure, especially dealing with me and my ongoing grief issues and sharing my experiences with him. He hasn't started yet, but it sounds like they schedule appts with people who have recently lost loved ones, to educate them about their options and how to make the funeral process less stressful for loved ones who remain.

Again, the intentions, at least his, are pure...but this whole thing has me uncomfortable. I wonder if there are ways to reach people who are NOT in the midst of the grieving process, to offer these services to them rather than those currently in pain and vulnerable. I'm such an online person that my natural thought was to post my concerns here. I do know that after attending funerals, I (and others) DEFINITELY have given the preplanning option serious thought, seeing how stressful the planning can be for grieving loved ones.

Like I said, I'm rambling and hoping someone might have some insight based on their own experience. Maybe someone here will have ideas about how to offer this service respectfully and genuinely rather than approaching grieving people.

Thanks!

[RevCheesehead]

1. First of all, welcome to this group.

Their compassion and love has helped me tremendously this year, with the death of my mom. They are good, good people.

I'm also sorry about the loss of your son. I think there is nothing more painful than losing a child. That is an especially heavy burden, and I hope you have been able to find peace amid the grief.
:hug:

I really appreciate your question. As a pastor, I've worked with all kinds of funeral directors... some ok, some good, and a number of terrific people. My experience has been that they're great people, well aquainted with grief and all that goes with it. For the few who are corrupt, or in it for the money, I think there are hundreds of geniune, caring people. It's a shame that the few rotten ones get all the attention.

As to the business itself, I think many people kind of follow whatever the local church uses. That, too, can be part of the "good ol' boy" network, and hard to break in. I hope your fiancee can get the break he needs to get started. Like you said, once he's begun, word of mouth will be the best way to promote his business.

I'm glad you brought up this topic, because I'm going to have a special class at my church on death and dying. It still surprises me that so many people don't have their final wishes written out, don't tell their families if they want burial, cremation, service in church or at funeral home, etc... I'm hoping that this class will help them answer questions they might have. I'm inviting the local funeral director to talk about what happens, options, and how families can prepare in advance. She's one of the best I've worked with, and understands exactly what I want to accomplish.

One of the greatest gifts someone can do for their family is to plan ahead... because in the moment of grief, there's so much else going on, that you really don't have time to think clearly. As much as we talked about death, and had a good idea of what Mom wanted, I was frustrated because I couldn't find her list of scripture and hymns she wanted at the service. So we had to just do the best we could. When we bought mom's space in the bell tower/columbarium, I decided to buy a space right below hers (and dad's) for me. That felt kinda weird, but I knew that's what I wanted.

Many funeral homes offer pre-planning services. It's just that people are so human, they keep putting it off, thinking they can wait. You might want to ask your local pastor/clergy if they've done anything like a funeral planning class, or if they'd be interested. There's safety in numbers, and it can motivate people to do something they know has to be done eventually.

[OneGrassRoot]

2. Thank you so much...

for your kind reply, and thank you for your insight. That really makes me feel much better, and will encourage my fiance to know that he will truly be providing a necessary service and not get bogged down in the small percentage of negative stories.

What a wonderful idea to contact local pastors. I had even suggested that it would be great to find a way to get a group of people together...for it not to necessarily be a "heavy" or "downer" environment...it's just something that must be dealt with, and to find a way to make it comfortable and not to intimidating. Going through the pastors is an absolutely perfect idea. Thank you again for your encouragement.

Rev. Cheesehead, eh? Are you from/in Wisconsin? My fiance is from Wisconsin, too!

Take care :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

3. Yup, I sure am!

I'm in the Green Bay area. :hi:

Another really good target group for this may be middle-agers who are realizing that their parents aren't going to live forever. Even if their parents don't want to deal with it, their kids can at least get some kind of idea of what to expect.

[OneGrassRoot]

4. Thank you again!

Great idea...I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts. I also thought about women (and men) newly divorced, with children. I NEVER thought about living wills, etc., until I got divorced - THAT was when I thought of my daughter having to deal with such difficult issues.

If you don't mind, since you have such a great perspective on this issue, I may PM you with other thoughts/questions - or to update you with good news....

I'm sure I'll be checking in here as the anniversary of my son's death approaches.

I send hugs to you and everyone reading.

:grouphug:


(Sorry 'bout the Packers...I'm from Pittsburgh myself...go Steelers! :7 ;-)

[RevCheesehead]

5. Anytime, Ms. Revolution!

I'm not as upset about the Packers per se, as much as I am ticked at the GM of the team, who's made some rather questionable trades. He claims he's rebuilding "for the future," but really, do you do that when you have Brett Favre right here in the present? Idiots.

I love talking about this stuff (funerals), since - like your fiancee - I feel that I might have something to offer others that might really help them.

Ruth