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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-05-11 10:41 AM
Original message
My Husband is a Lying Sack of Crap
Hi dear EDV's and the men who love us.

Three weeks ago my husband told me he wants a divorce. It came out of the blue - I had no idea that he was thinking about this. He has refused to seek counseling, and said he just needed space to think things through. I asked if there was someone else, and he said no. He moved some of his things out, saying he needed a few weeks to be by himself.
Since that time, I have discovered that he has been seeing somebody else. He was seen, at work, in a full lip-lock with another woman, who had her hands all over him. The source who told me is impeccable. I confronted him at his workplace, slapped his face and called him a lying, cheating bastard. I demanded that he move all his shit out of our apartment. He got the rest of his stuff on Saturday, while 2 of my friends were here with me. He has returned the keys, and I am having the locks changed.

Obviously, I am devistated. The depth of the betrayal is beyond anything I have ever gone through. I can tolerate a lot of things, but not adultery. I will NEVER be able to trust him again... that is gone forever. And if you don't have trust, you don't have a marriage.

I am surrounded by good people who love me, both friends, family, and church family. Yesterday was very healing, as the pastor made my announcement for me during prayer time that "Ruth's marriage is coming to an end." The outpouring of love lifted me higher than my grief and pain, if only for a few moments; but I know that I will survive. I have suffered a lot of things in my life, but through it all, God has been, and will continue to be faithful to me. I will never be "alone." And I have a lot of love to share with the whole world. NOTHING can kill love (I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible somewhere); and yes, a part of me will always love Andy. He is in my heart, and I pray for him every day, all day long. But I cannot live with someone who is a compulsive gambler (he gambled away all our wedding money, and has stolen money from me) and a pathological liar. I do not recognize the man he is today: codependent, addictive, sociopathic, detached and narcissistic.

I have returned to seeing my counselor in Green Bay... it's easier to travel and pick up where we left off than to have to rehash all the crap from before. I told her "I've realized my worst fears: my parents are dead, my husband has left me, and I am all alone... and yet, I'm still here." She added, "And... Orange Cat came home."

Thanks for letting me spill my guts. I love you guys, and miss you terribly. My cable doesn't carry Current, so I am Keith-less. Berry, please let KO know that I'm back on the market, but won't be available for a year. If he's willing to wait for me, so am I. :)

Ruth
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-05-11 12:32 PM
Response to Original message
1. Did I ever tell you that you are my Fave?



You take care!

botany/tom
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:32 PM
Response to Reply #1
9. love you, Tom.
:hug:
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bleever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-05-11 02:21 PM
Response to Original message
2. Hi sister.
I'll be thinking of you and hoping for only good things for you.

You're one of the good ones.

:hug:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:32 PM
Response to Reply #2
10. Love you, bleev.
:hug:
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 10:14 PM
Response to Reply #2
15. nan nan boo boo Rev loves me more than you


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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Sep-17-11 10:49 PM
Response to Reply #15
17. Yes I do!
You know how to treat people well. :hug:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Sep-17-11 10:50 PM
Response to Reply #17
18. Hey wait a minute....
I love you and Bleev all the same. Now, if only Sparky would find his way back here....
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bleever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-19-11 07:14 PM
Response to Reply #18
19. I bet Bot would be willing to put the tool belt on,
if that would help.

Let's see, that leaves either policeman, Indian, or the cowboy for me, right?

:hug:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-21-11 11:00 PM
Response to Reply #19
22. please --- NO COWBOYS!!
My husband grew up on a ranch in Montana.

:hug:
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-22-11 08:17 AM
Response to Reply #22
25. To guard against bad cowboys I will send you a Bay Air


I would let him eat what ever he wants, sleep where ever he wants (if he looks comfy on your couch let him be),
and let him go to the woods when ever he wants.


Warning do not stop him for going back for seconds @ an all you can eat buffet and see if your church has an extra
closet or shed he can use from late november to late march.
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-04-11 10:04 AM
Response to Reply #25
28. I'll take him!
I think I will name him "Cuddles." :loveya:
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-04-11 10:41 PM
Response to Reply #28
32. P.M. me an address and a Bay Air is on his way


BTW ..... have plenty of breath mints ready
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CC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-05-11 03:11 PM
Response to Original message
3. Sometimes life just sucks
and you have to work all the harder to find the good stuff. If anyone can work at finding the good it is you. If anyone can grow stronger through it all it is you. If anyone can take the crap thrown their way and learn how to use it to help themselves and others it is you. Allow yourself to cry when you want/need to, scream when you want/need to, punch something (pillows are easier on hands) when you want/need to,lean when you want/need to and do what ever you need to do to heal, then heal. Oh and definitely keep any therapist that can remember to add, "And... Orange Cat came home." Sending lots of :hug: your way. I am glad you have a great support network there. Lean on them and remember we are always here for you too.


I am also Keith-less on the TV but have been watching online as often as I can. I end up not opening extra windows when it is online though.







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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:33 PM
Response to Reply #3
11. when she said that, I immediately thought of you!
Love you, Ferretessa! :hug:
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Patsy Stone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-06-11 11:48 AM
Response to Original message
4. Oh, shit.
Ruth, I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how much pain betrayal can bring and, when it's mixed with anger, it can be a powerful enemy. Seeing someone and talking it through is one of the best things you can do. Please, don't think you have to forgive (I know that sounds perfect coming from a heathen like me to a lady of the cloth such as yourself) but you don't, you don't even have to try -- not yet anyway. Some people's actions can not be explained or justified and, sometimes, it's better to just write it off and move on instead of dwell. No matter how many answers you want, you really don't need them. You know all you need to know: he did not deserve you.

I, too, am Keithless, but that doesn't mean I don't think about you all frequently. If there's anything I can do, please send me a PM and let me know. Much love. :hug:

"And... Orange Cat came home..." Definitely one in the plus column!
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:35 PM
Response to Reply #4
12. Thanks for the affirmations.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggone it, I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS." :)
Thanks so much, Pats. :hug:
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GigiMommy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-06-11 07:16 PM
Response to Original message
5. Oh Rev...
:hug: I don't know what to say...but I want to say the right thing. I want to say something that will help; to make you feel better. I don't know what to say. All I can say is I'm so sorry this happened. You don't deserve this. I miss you and if you still have my number you can call me anytime. I'm a great listener. Cassie and I love you very much...just wanted you to know.

Geela
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:36 PM
Response to Reply #5
13. I love you too, Geela.
And, the wonderful Miss Cassie!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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SharonRB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-06-11 07:29 PM
Response to Original message
6. Rev, I'm so sorry
To think you thought you found "the one" only to find put he's an ass is devastating, but better to find out now than be with him for years. I know it must be so difficult for you right now. You're in my thoughts and I hope you meet someone who deserves you soon. Andy obviously didn't.

Miss you all.
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:37 PM
Response to Reply #6
14. Thanks, Sharon.
And thanks for "friending" me on FB! Love you. :hug:
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SharonRB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-15-11 09:13 PM
Response to Reply #14
16. Love you, too, Ruth
Edited on Thu Sep-15-11 09:13 PM by SharonRB
:hug:
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RavensChick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Sep-10-11 12:03 AM
Response to Original message
7. Oh, dear God.
Edited on Sat Sep-10-11 12:14 AM by RavensChick
Sis,

I am so, so, so sorry to hear that! Something told me to come here the other day because I was thinking about you last week. When I read this my mouth dropped in utter shock. I'm responding tonight because it's been a very hectic week at work and the DC area & damn near all the Mid-Atlantic was waterlogged (which is why I really don't like hurricane season) for the most part all week, so for me to get back here and offer some comfort to you was high on my list before I turn in for the night.

First and foremost, I want you to know that you're certainly not alone. I can't begin to tell how many times men say one thing and wind up doing something else, and I always fall for it, but not anymore. That's why I haven't gotten married for numerous reasons, but the main thing I look for (like you and gazillions of other women) is trust, which is number one on my list of expectations. Besides, I have a rule--the first time he lies to me, we're done, period! No exceptions and no second chances! That thankfully has kept me from being heartbroken and angry as hell AFTER the ceremony and the expense of the reception, the dress, having family and friends gather, etc.. Anyway, when I do get married eventually, ALL the cards will be laid out on the table so I'll know what to expect from him and vice versa. One wrong card and I'll tell him to hit the road, Jack!

Anyway, for Andy to put you through this shit in almost a year is, believe it or not, a mixed blessing because you know a lot more about him now than before, so now you can recover, regroup and rejoice. Please take as much time as you need. Explore any and all options put in your pathway and eventually you will be in love again, but never, ever forget your First Love--God Himself. Stay in the faith and you'll be better as you come up on the rough side of the mountain. I'm a believer too, and Lord knows I've done a lot of stuff I'm not proud of by any means, but at the end of the day, I remember Who is really in charge and I sleep better knowing that.

So, take it from me--it's his loss and not yours. You did everything right and he messed up in such a way that eventually he's got to hit rock bottom before he realizes why all hell is breaking loose in his life. As for the broad he's probably with, guess what? She's got the problem and not you!

Be strong, be faithful, be blessed, be encouraged and above all, be who God created you to be!! I love you and I'm in much prayer for you. Peace.

Shelly

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

P.S. Raven sends his love to his Auntie Cheese! :-)
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Sep-13-11 06:31 PM
Response to Reply #7
8. Thank you so much for this, RC.
I appreciate every single thing you said. And yeah, once trust is broken, it's damned near impossible to get it back again.

Funny thing is, it's now been 1 month since he told me, yet he hasn't filed for a divorce. Of course, that would take $$ away from his addiction. I've noticed the benefits of not having to clean up after him, of having a significantly lower grocery bill, and an overall peacefulness and calm in this home, especially with the cats. And most importantly, I am seeking the healing I need to deal with MY issues, and am growing closer to God every day.

I still pray for Andy every day, but also realize that he's headed for self-destruction. And yes, things won't change until he hits rock bottom. Perhaps there might be forgiveness ahead...I still love him, despite what he's done and said... but for now, he is toxic. I can't be dragged down to his level, because it would try to destroy me. I deserve better, and will do what I must to become and remain healthy.

Thank you again for sharing so intimately. Sometimes we just need to know that we don't walk down a road alone, and that others have passed this way AND SURVIVED.

Love ya, sister! :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug:

and a good ear skritch to Raven for me!
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bleever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-19-11 08:31 PM
Response to Original message
20. Some words from one of the great minds of our time:
"Humor stabs through darkness as light from a tiny window, high up a prison wall. It defies the cold, the fear, the night, the loss of love."

-- Ruth Buzzi, via Twitter this evening.
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-21-11 11:01 PM
Response to Reply #20
23. Oh, bleev...
I'll resist the urge to slug you with my pocketbook. :hug:

thanks.
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SeattleGirl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-21-11 12:19 PM
Response to Original message
21. Oh Ruth, I am so sorry
I wasn't aware of this because I hadn't been to the Clubhouse in awhile, but I had lunch with SharonRB on Monday and she told me about it. I wish I could wrap my arms around you right now and give you a gigantic hug. I wish I could take your pain away.

I'm glad you are seeing your counselor again, and I'm glad you told us here, because you know we love you and are always here for you.

I love you Ruth. :loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :hug: :hug: :hug:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Sep-21-11 11:02 PM
Response to Reply #21
24. I love you too, R.
:hug: :hug: :hug: :loveya:

thanks so much. You guys are the best!~
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WolverineDG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-22-11 11:59 AM
Response to Original message
26. Oh God, Rev, I am so sorry!!
:( :hug: :yourock:

dg
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-04-11 10:05 AM
Response to Reply #26
29. Thanks, Wuffie.
:hug: I'm so glad we found each other on FB! :hug:
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yellerpup Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Sep-26-11 08:48 PM
Response to Original message
27. I am so sorry you were betrayed by the man you love.
Nothing cuts deeper except maybe an unexpected death. I usually only run into you in the Bereavement forum on DU and I have admired your compassion and gentle touch for years. Don't ever believe that his behavior has anything at all to do with you. He is being selfish and unworthy with his cheating and lying and you deserve much better. You will heal, you will find a way, and you will heal in time. I wish that this had never happened to you. Take care of yourself and start planning what you will wear when you go on your date with Keith. :hug: You are a good, true person.
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-04-11 10:08 AM
Response to Reply #27
30. Thanks so much, yellerpup.
:hug: your words of compassion have touched me deeply. I agree that I DO deserve better, and time is the most effective means, along with prayer, to the path of healing. Thank you for taking the time to post. I really appreciate it.
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Berry Cool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Oct-04-11 05:07 PM
Response to Original message
31. Just talked with the Rev today.
:hi: She's doing OK. Which is pretty amazing, considering. Then again, the Rev is a pretty amazing person.

Ashamed to say I didn't know about any of this until today, but I am catching up.

So sorry things turned out this way, sweetie...you know that. :hug: You also know that the KOEB will always love you and support you no matter what happens!

Now, about Keith...well, there you're going to have competition. He's been doing the show tieless since Wednesday, and a woman can only take so much of that gently peeking chest hair. :loveya: Ahhhhhh......*KLUNKKKKKKK*

... Oh. Thanks for the smelling salts and the Bay Air, folks. Anyway, the Rev and everyone else can rest assured that if there's one thing you can count on in this world, it's your friends. At least when they wise up and get with it. (hitting self on head)

Love to you all! :grouphug:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Oct-06-11 03:49 PM
Response to Reply #31
33. I still have some giftcards to Monty's
So if anyone comes to Wisconsin, dinner's on me! (actually, it's on you, indirectly, since you gave such a lovely wedding gift!)
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bleever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-07-11 01:20 PM
Response to Original message
34. It's a crazy world
where cats can fly



and mice chill at the pool



so we do what we can to keep our cool




(That little lady in the first picture is our Tiger Lily, a new addition after the recent loss of two old dogs and an old cat, all within six months. She's even more adorable than she looks.)


:hi: everyone!
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-07-11 06:38 PM
Response to Reply #34
35. nice to see that you own a "Kitler"
Edited on Fri Oct-07-11 06:39 PM by Botany






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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-08-11 02:47 PM
Response to Reply #35
37. ....
:spank:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-08-11 02:47 PM
Response to Reply #34
36. Welcome, Tiger Lily!!
Are you an EDF? (Estrogen-Driven Feline) :loveya:

Would you like to meet Li'l Keith? He's very sweet.

Thanks, Bleev. I don't know where you ever found the tiny life-preserver. And are there dog-yoga classes out there in CA? Wouldn't surprise me a bit. :)

My condolences on your losses. It's hard, but I'm glad someone found you and your family to love.
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bleever Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Oct-08-11 05:26 PM
Response to Reply #36
38. I found the mouse
in one of Bot's posts a few days ago, in some distant thread.

One of the dogs was Curly, an ancient little guy who came to live with us for a month and stayed for the rest of his life, and I actually had a dream about him last night. Funny.

Hope you're enjoying some lovely early autumn Wisconsin weather. :hi:

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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-10-11 11:47 AM
Response to Reply #38
39. So far, the men in my life have not let me down....
You know, the Packers, the Brewers, the Men of the Clubhouse...

Thanks to you and Bot for showing me what REAL men are made of! :hug:
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Botany Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Oct-14-11 07:33 PM
Response to Reply #39
40. what REAL men are made of .....
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-09-11 11:05 AM
Response to Reply #40
42. I keep looking for the Facebook "Like" button!
:thumbsup: :loveya:
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merh Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Nov-08-11 10:47 AM
Response to Original message
41. Sending you hugs
and lots and lots of love. :hug: :loveya:
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RevCheesehead Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Dec-09-11 11:05 AM
Response to Reply #41
43. back at'cha!
:hug: :loveya:
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