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yewberry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-09-10 05:58 PM
Original message
Out of the blue, after 16 years.
He's in love with his high-school girlfriend and left me for her. He's been everything to me.

It's been almost a month and I can barely think straight. When do I stop wishing I were dead?
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safeinOhio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-10-10 09:32 PM
Response to Original message
1. Does take time and
it does get better.

One time a break up sent me to the shrink. Best thing that ever happened to me. Now I can get over a divorce in a year or two.

Good luck and I really mean that.
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yewberry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-10-10 09:39 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. I just can't wrap my head around it.
This adolescent fantasy has cost me everything I believed about my life.


Oh, and one of the first things I did was go into counseling. Now I think I have to consult a lawyer. God, how depressing.

Thanks for the kind words. No way out but through, I guess.
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safeinOhio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-10-10 10:43 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. Don't just consult a lawyer
Ask around and find the best lawyer you can. My last one was a saint. She knew more about divorce than just the law. She was worth every penny I spent on her at $250/hour.

Hope you can start to look at it as a new beginning, not just the end of a dream. You will have a new dream some day and it most likely will turn out better.
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yewberry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 02:03 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. Thank you.
I hate the lawyer idea but I think I have no choice. He said he was going to submit legal separation paperwork but hasn't.

I think it might be a while before I can think of this as a beginning, but I'll keep going until I get there.

Thanks again.
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safeinOhio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 03:35 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. Now your talking.
You already sound a little better.
Not just a lawyer, an ace family practice lawyer. A great lawyer does not mean screwing him, only protecting yourself. Your emotions will go on a roller coaster ride. Don't let an unfair settlement add to your grief. Your new dreams and life will need a good start and that means not starting in the hole. He found his new dream, that most likely will end up a nightmare for him. You deserve a good start on yours.
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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 04:08 PM
Response to Reply #5
9. 'safe' is SO right!
I've just returned from court, and its funny that even tho things are on-going, as 'husb' may be sick and is hiding from me, I feel good because my atty thinks about and for me, helps me formulate thoughts for the judge and do the best we can do in the circumstances. And the judge is a real dear, one of my atty's favorites!

Its one of those things with lawyers, you'll know a good one, the right one for you, when you see him/her; take your time, and check back here if you'd like, but DO protect yourself.

E
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mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-10-10 10:12 PM
Response to Original message
3. i don't usually hang around in here, although i have bopped in
a couple times when things looked like shit. but i posted something in another forum that a little bird told me i should post for you.

a thought about self as individual and self as member of some group or another, even a group of 2. one of the most interesting books i have read about the human condition is-love's executioner. it is one of those case study type things, and the title refers to the trouble with love obsession. the author talks about hating to deal with this particular problem because of the paradox that it presents- the role of the therapist is to make the person whole within themselves, and yet, we are a social animal. are we really whole without connection to others? it is an interesting conundrum. i think that you should not kick yourself for your past need to be a part of this relationship, or for the struggle that you have been through to get past it. it is really a central struggle that we all go through.

+++++++++++++
hope that you are ok financially, including housing, health care, and all that goes with a marriage. are there kids? 16 years is a really long time. you are probably kicking yourself. stop. pair bonding is at the heart of the human animal, and most of us try to accomplish this, even tho so many of us are not really up to it. whether we are talking about his failings or whatever you think you might have failed at, we are stupid little animals, trying to do something that takes a lot of many kinds of smart.

keep trudging along, one foot in front of the other. eventually you will be somewhere different from the hell you are in now. a little self love will help point you to somewhere that is actually better.
peace
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yewberry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 02:10 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. Thanks.
I'm okay, though the finances (and no car) are going to become a problem eventually. Actually, the no car thing is already a problem...have to address that immediately with no funds. I've got a job & health coverage, no kids.

You're right, I am kicking myself. Feeling like I should have seen this, could have done something different.

It just sucks. Losing my best friend (one of my only friends, really) & my husband in one fell swoop feels like it's breaking me.
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babylonsister Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Sep-02-10 07:18 AM
Response to Reply #6
11. You're not alone, yewberry.
Mine decided he just wasn't that into me after 27 years; claims there was no other woman either. Divorced finalized this August, finally. That helped a little; I no longer have any reason to communicate with him.

But it was out of the blue, and I thought he was my best friend, so I feel your pain. Hang in there; it does get more tolerable as time goes by.

My one regret is I didn't demand more, but didn't want to incur huge legal fees. I'd do it a bit differently in retrospect, so take care of yourself.

At least you have health care and a job, two things I'm struggling with as I moved immediately and my health care ended with the marriage.

Take care.
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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 04:02 PM
Response to Reply #3
8. Thx, mop!
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SheilaT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-11-10 04:12 PM
Response to Original message
10. The hhardest thing to imagine at this point
is that things will ever be better.

But they will.

Do follow the advice given above and spend time getting a good lawyer.

I don't know how many women I've known personally who have said something like, "Oh, I was so eager to get divorced that I gave him everything." I just want to shake those women. Your attorney will be able to clarify for you exactly what you are entitled to in your state.

My now ex left me for someone else after 25 years of marriage, and of course that's not even a record. The divorce became final two years ago this month. Before that I moved 800 miles to live in a city I just love, and to start an entirely new life. Now I look back and realize that even in the most optimistic alternate version of my life, he would never have wanted to move here. Right now I couldn't be happier. I will admit we were very good friends for most of that 25 years, and I still miss talking to him about things.
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