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If this has happened to anyone, I'd very much like to know how it turned out...

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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Apr-29-08 03:31 PM
Original message
If this has happened to anyone, I'd very much like to know how it turned out...
Edited on Tue Apr-29-08 03:32 PM by ALiberalSailor
You and your spouse are struggling and it's been getting steadily worse for 3 years now. One day, you start talking to someone at work with whom you see every day, but never really knew much about. Then, one day, something clicks and you begin to see that person in a bit of a different light. A few weeks pass, and in conversation, you and this person realize you have a lot in common- A LOT, including marital problems. You quickly develop a kinships based on your common interests, but also based on your common struggles. Not too long passes and you realize that an attraction has developed. Mild, but obvious and deliberate flirting ensues. You start going out of your way to see this person at work, at company events, etc. Nothing even remotely physical, of any sort, but it doesn't seem out of the realm of possibilities either. How does this scenario end up? I feel like I'm somewhat powerless to stop it, and it's starting to make me ill.
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knowbody0 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-30-08 01:07 PM
Response to Original message
1. yes
though we never acted upon the attraction, the good "strokes" we gave one another were very healing. feeling good about yourself allows you clearer thinking for choices imperative.

good luck to you.
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri May-02-08 09:39 AM
Response to Reply #1
3. I agree, it does make them clearer...
...but certainly not any easier.
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri May-02-08 09:51 AM
Response to Reply #1
5. So, nothing ever came about?
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Callalily Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-01-08 06:46 AM
Response to Original message
2. I don't mean to sound harsh
but maybe you should be expending your energy on your marriage. If it can't be fixed, then get out. Then you'll be available for any and all flirtations to your hearts desire.

Good luck.
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri May-02-08 09:50 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. Not at all harsh, and I appreciate your honesty...
...it's not that I'm expending any energy on this per se. We don't see eachother outside of the work environment, although the amount of time I spend thinking about her is way more than it should be, or more than I would want for that matter.
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liberalhistorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Feb-04-09 07:28 PM
Response to Reply #4
14. That's because she represents
a "fantasy", not reality. You don't have to deal with the daily grind of life with her (kids, bills, chores, in-laws, household stuff, money being tight, etc., etc., etc.) You always see the work person at their best because that's when people ARE at their best, for the most part, at work. You don't see them without makeup on shuffling around the house in a robe and disheveled hair, or when they're sick, or when they're in a cranky mood 'cause they've been up with a sick kid or just did two loads of laundry with no help, etc., etc., etc. What you're seeing in this "work woman" is fantasy, not reality, along with a shared bond of "how awful my spouse is", which you both then feed off of, blahblahblah, when BOTH of you should be putting your energy toward your marriage and not each other. She represents a fantasy, an "escape" from your current marital problems and issues, so you see her in that light as opposed to the way she really is.

And just because there may not be anything physical doesn't mean you can't call it an "affair." It's called an emotional affair, or EA, and those are often even more damaging than physical affairs. When you turn to someone of the opposite sex emotionally the way you're doing, and you begin to share things you aren't sharing with your wife and develop an emotional bond that should go to your wife, then that's an emotional affair that can be just as damaging. The interesting thing is that studies show that women are more hurt by emotional infidelity than physical and men are more hurt by physical infidelity than emotional. Don't think your wife isn't starting to suspect something might be going on emotionally with you. Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass for a much better explanation of all of this.

I know the danger of this kind of thing first-hand, from both sides of the fence, and I really hate to see you or anyone else fall into this trap. I hope I'm not coming off as too judgmental, 'cause I'm sympathetic to you as well as your wife.

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Qanisqineq Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-05-08 11:44 AM
Response to Reply #2
6. I agree
having been both the cheater in a relationship and the cheated in my marriage, don't let this flirtation go any further. If you feel it might, break it off or get out of your marriage. It doesn't get much more hurtful than cheating. If you ever loved or respected your wife, do not fucking do that to her.
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-05-08 03:28 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. I haven't, and I wouldn't....
...Just recently there was an opportunity for me to have done that, and it really wasn't very hard for me to say no. I would be crushed if she did that to me, and aside from our troubles, I still do care very much about her.
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mrgorth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-19-08 02:40 PM
Response to Original message
8. You are having an emotional affair
and if you don't stop it completely it will eventually become physical. Even if it doesn't you are still cheating. Fix your marriage or get out of it but know this, your situation is CLASSIC. If you were married to the coworker and dealing with bills and kids you would have issues with them too. Sorry to be blunt but you are setting you and your spouse up for failure over an illusion.
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-19-08 04:22 PM
Response to Reply #8
9. It's been a while since I checked in on this post...
...this thread moves soooooooo slow. Yes, I was fully aware of the "emotional affair" that was going on, but since it never got physical, I guess in my mind that made it seem less than what it really was. But it isn't bills and kids that have caused my marriage to fail. I wish it were that simple. Any one of the reason in and of themselves is very small, but it's so many little things that, over time, errode the fabric of a marriage. Anyway, since it was obvious to me that the time to get help (And have it be useful) had come and gone, I've moved out and we're now separated. The funny thing about all of this, and what I can't quite get my brain around, is that I now feel as though a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I wish she were dealing with this as well as I am, but my wife is a very strong woman, a spectacular mother, and I'm certain she'll be fine. Either way, so far things have been amicable, and I've made it clear that I will support her in any way I can or that she would need me to.

As far as the other issue goes- the emotional affair. It has yet to get physical. And I don't know if it will, or even if I would want it to. I'm perfectly fine being alone. I think that's what I need right now more than anything.

Thanks much for the blunt advice!
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Lucky 13 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Aug-21-08 09:25 PM
Response to Reply #9
11. Sorry to be blunt...
... but you owed your wife way better than that.

If you feel a marriage going south, it's your job to step in and work on it. Not wait till it's too late, throw your hands in the air and walk away.

yes you feel like a weight has been lifted... cause it's all been dumped on her.
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jojo54 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Aug-01-08 02:10 PM
Response to Original message
10. Let me speak from the other side of the fence.
I am the wife of a man who found an attraction to a woman at work. He has since left that job, but the damage has already been done. We've BEEN having problems with our marriage, for many years now, but he "needs" me to feed his ego. She was also in a troubled marriage and wanted out. So, the mutual attraction started, they ended up in bed and got an apartment together. But when my hub realized that her older kids would be staying with them, he booked like he saw a ghost. Unfortunately, I let him back into my life again.

I am leaving in a month, because I just can't forgive or forget. After 32 years of marriage, 2 kids that he really didn't want, having to stuggle to get necessities for myself and our daughters because he spent any excess money on himself....THIS is how he repays me???

Sorry if I sound offensive, but I'm truely bitter over this affair, even though he doesn't call it that!?!?
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SKKY Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jan-01-09 02:29 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. I appreciate very much your honesty...
...I guess the one thing in my situation that could possibly make things easier (if that's even possible), is that we're both young enough to start over again, and we have 2 children we absolutely adore. I suppose that if we keep in mind what's in our children's best interest, we should be able to at least remain civil, and hopefully even become friends down the road. Things are still a bit raw- it's only been a 9 months.
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The Doctor. Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Feb-04-09 06:10 AM
Response to Original message
13. Interesting. Similar things have happened.
Question; Do you and your spouse discuss each-other's needs?

I had needs, I discussed them with my spouse, my spouse was 'too tired' to give me an occasional hug, smile, or other form of interest... so when I met someone at the workplace with the same issues, we quite naturally wound up closer because we shared our needs.

That event has long since passed, but I'm now in the midst of a divorce myself because my spouse never discussed their needs with me... and then ran around complaining that their needs weren't being met to all their friends and family. When I explained how this destroys a marriage, and begged them to talk to ME about their needs, they said they "shouldn't have to".

So my question to you is this; Do the two of you discuss your needs?
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Mira Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-18-10 09:53 PM
Response to Original message
15. There is a reason for hackneyed phrases like : "Don't play with fire"
If you are having trouble in your marriage then your marriage is the place where you are committed to give it your all.
See a counselor for support, not another woman. You will hurt your wife, your marriage, and your self image along with the best chances for a good future.

My X remarried 4 days after our divorce. Then 2 weeks after the next divorce. He died 3 weeks ago, married, but sad, drunk, addicted to nicotine and with 3 cancers. And he never built a relationship with his son or grandson.
He never got happier with subsequent marriages.

Moral:
The grass in your own back yard has the best potential for greening if fertilized.
Give your full attention to what you are committed to, and worry about new flirtations when the time is right, if ever.


(Sorry for showing up here unannounced, did not even know this forum existed til I just now saw it on the 10 latest update list)
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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-18-10 10:11 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. Hi, Mira!
Welcome here. Today posted here about MY ongoing 'stuff.' Trying to get away from the 'fire' with SOMETHING to live on!
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