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mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-11-08 09:10 AM
Original message
seeing a lawyer today.
After 15 years of marriage - being separated nearly eleven months - lots and lots of fighting, screaming, threats and recriminations - and it's about damn time.

While we knew this was coming, we were delaying it for financial reasons, etc. That is changing somewhat this week - and he did something sooooooo boneheaded and potentially damaging to my credit, life, etc - that I think I should just go NOW and get it done.

He was "shocked" yesterday when I told him.


It's not like he hasn't been screaming that he never wants to talk to me, deal with me, see me, ever ever again. It's not like he hasn't been DATING since about 2 weeks after he moved out. It's not like we are EVER going to be able to reconcile all the shit that's gone on. It's not like there's a snowball's chance in hell that he will EVER change as he honestly doesn't see what he did to me that was "so wrong".

At any rate - we've mostly agreed on a lot of the financial details and etc - so I'm hoping it'll be quick and as painless as possible. I chose an attorney who has a reputation of being fair and equitable - not a "shark" and not a sledgehammer to beat your ex up with. After I meet her, we'll see if that's the vibe I get from her.

Still - I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I don't think I'm sad at all. A little disappointed and sad for the kids, but for myself? I think it will be wonderful to be liberated from this man. Even though I am - and will be - financially dependent on him for years to come. :banghead:

It's like the other day when he called in one of his pity-party moods - "I know you hate my guts and everything. . . "

"No, not really. I just don't give a f' any more".

And I realized - that that was true. I mean, I care about him - and he is my kid's dad, but I don't love him anymore. Not at all. I haven't in a very long time, really. I just didn't want to admit it.

I guess the meds for the anxiety have really helped. And the therapy to help me realize that this isn't (just) MY fault, that I don't have to FIX it - or HIM, that I'm not failure, that I'm not a pathetic loser, and to regain some sense of self, self-worth, and ability to survive.

I think he may finally be seeking some sort of therapy himself - and is thinking I'll stay if he does. Except he's a little too late. It's not like I didn't beg him for 15 years to deal with his problems. I still have my doubts that he will. Right now, he's in the "remorse" stage but I can already see the "oh I'll be okay, don't worry about it, I got it covered, it wasn't my fault" stage. :sigh: For his sake, and the boys, I truly hope he gets the help he needs, but I can't wait around anymore. I have to finish this before he finishes me completely.

(Well, that was quite a rant. But no one really around here to give it to - so you guys get it, I suppose. Hope it helps someone somewhere.)
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  - It's always sad to hear  YankeyMCC   Mar-11-08 01:07 PM   #1 
     - thanks -  mzteris   Mar-11-08 09:15 PM   #2 
        - If you've agreed on details I definately recomend mediation over lawyers nt  YankeyMCC   Mar-12-08 07:14 AM   #3 
YankeyMCC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-11-08 01:07 PM
Response to Original message
1. It's always sad to hear
but it is a positive thing that you're trying to move forward and get yours and everyone's life back onto some kind of stable track even if it isn't the one you all thought it would be a year or two ago.

As for hoping to keep things equitable - have you considered mediation instead of going to a lawyer? Even the kindest, most reasonable lawyers must work within the adversarial system. Mediation allows for you two to work out what is best for you without interference and in a system that isn't based on the idea of two adversaries facing off.

Here's one quick site for info on what Mediation is:
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mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-11-08 09:15 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. thanks -
we've pretty much agreed on the details ($, kids, possessions) - so I think it "should" be pretty simple.

Let's hope.
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YankeyMCC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Mar-12-08 07:14 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. If you've agreed on details I definately recomend mediation over lawyers nt
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