I'm still me

[no name no slogan]

(This is something I posted to my blog a couple days ago. I got a lot of compliments on it, and figured I'd share it with you folks, too. As some of you know, I am bipolar, and I wrote this while recovering from my first major depressive episode in over a year. This episode ended up scaring my girlfriend so much that she broke up with me, and also caused a lot of grief to my friends, too. I wrote this to show that even though I'm going through a bad spot, I am still the same person I've always been.

I'm still me.

I may be having an episode of depression (or mania, or even a mixed state episode) right now, but I am still the same person you know. Sure, I may be feeling a little out of sorts, but I'm still the same quirky, cynical yet caring guy I've always been. I still like and dislike the same things. I still laugh at the same things, and I still cry at the same things too.

I am still the guy who would never, EVER hurt you. I am not a violent person. I've never been in a fight in my life, and I'm not going to start now. I would just as soon hurt myself as I would hurt you, or your friends, or your family.

I know I've been a bit paranoid and/or obsessive in the past few weeks. I know I've caused you some pain because of that. I am sorry. I don't mean to behave that way. It is a byproduct of the depression-- one I am working hard at controlling, and one that is getting better day by day.

You don't have to be afraid of me. I am not going to come after you. Nor should you be afraid for me, either. I have an excellent support system in place to deal with this kind of thing. Unfortunately, it's all part of the disease-- it's still possible to have the occasional episode even if I'm taking my medications. I've been through them many times before, and I've survived. I will survive this one, too-- I promise.

I know that I'm going to be back to normal soon. Every day is better than the last. My sleep patterns are back to normal. I'm asleep by 11, and awake by 6. My appetite is improving, and I'm eating a healthier diet (I've lost 20+ lbs so far). The brain fog is lifting, and my concentration is improving. I am working more hours every day, and I even finished writing a new song-- the first one I've completed in ten years.

I am starting to feel like the same person I was back in the spring, only better. I realize now that I was sliding into depression back then because of some med changes my doctor and I had made. Those changes were a mistake, but unfortunately psychiatry is not an exact science, and no medication combination works the same on every person. If I could undo that med change, I would, in a heartbeat, because I don't like going through this-- nor do I like putting you through this, either.

I know you were worried that, because of this episode, I am the same person you knew before. I wanted to tell you that I'm still me. I'm still the same person I was. Even when I'm having an episode, I'm still the same person on the inside.

This disease is a part of me, but it is not me.

[Forkboy]

1. Nice post.

I can relate. My depression cost me my marriage. :(

[no name no slogan]

2. Heh. Me too!

I think it was a mixed-mania state I was in, but the same thing happened to me. Nine year marriage, out the window. But at least it got me to quit drinking-- it's hard to stop when you're married to an active alcoholic.

[EFerrari]

3. Hello, me.

:)

[no name no slogan]

4. How the hell are ya?

I just wrote a song with the same title, and rehearsed it with my band last night. Life is getting better.

[EFerrari]

7. Excellent!

:pals:

[mopinko]

5. very nice essay, and

a very important issue. thanks for sharing this.

and good luck with continued improvements. you seem like you are doing very well.

[redqueen]

6. Glad to see you're on the up again.

Thanks for sharing this.