I need to talk.

[redqueen]

But I don't want to do it openly.

There are things I want to say that I'm afraid to even say to my doctor. I don't even know if they need to be said.

The last few days have been really hard. I don't know why... and my doctor says what I should do now is try to confront whatever it is... but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I don't know how. I've been stuck like this so long...

I guess all I can do is give it a shot. Obviously, I'm putting that off... at least a few minutes longer.

Anyway... I guess I just needed to vent. I know I'm not alone in this. I know many others have been through it, are going through it now, or will go through it someday. I really feel for all those people... and I wish I could give them all a nice long comforting hug... as much for me as for them.

:cry:

[mopinko]

1. aw

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

good luck getting through it. come back any time you need another hug.

[redqueen]

2. Thanks...

I think I might have just buried it again... I did try though.

Off to see the doc now... not looking forward to it.

[mopinko]

3. sweetie, it has already done the damage

how much more can it do? you survived it. you are still here, you are a strong, uppity woman. talking can't take that away.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[redqueen]

4. Yes...

but apparently I'm still not ready. It makes me feel like a coward. :(

Thank you for being so kind...

[mopinko]

5. you're not a coward

you just aren't ready. it takes a lot of trust, and maybe you just aren't there yet. the need to keep control of the thing is strong. or you would have let go of it by now. there must be a reason for that. i don't think it is cowardice. you have gotten this far. you must have been doing something that worked on at least some level. you have to know that it is going to work out better than what you have been doing.
:shrug: you'll be ok. the time will come.
be good to yourself.

[Forkboy]

6. Whatever it is, I wish I could solve it for you.

It's only in the last few years (after losing my wife and coming a hair's breadth away from pulling the trigger) that I realized I should try to talk to someone about the things bothering me. It's a terrifying reality to confront when all you want to do is hide and/or die.

I hope you can find someone you trust enough to talk to. In the meantime I'm more than happy to pass along all the hugs you need. :hug: