I feel like that guy in Groundhog's day

[davidthegnome]

Anyone else like that movie? To give a brief summary, it's a movie where a man gets trapped in time. Every day he experiences the exact same day, and the exact same things. In his case, it happens to be Groundhogs day. Good movie... but it applies to my own situation, I feel.

Every day is the same and no matter what I do, or try to do, it seems that I am caught in a never-ending cycle of depression, anxiety, and most especially, apathy.

I live in an isolated area in Northern Maine. Imagine a lake, covered with ice and many feet of snow, a forest on either side of a fairly modern, two story house. With snowbanks that are truly enormous. Up to six feet high in some places now, even right on the sides of our driveway.

I spend 90% of my time in my room. A small room. I divide my time between reading books, fooling around on the internet and talking to my girlfriend on the phone. My girlfriend who lives in MA, who I can't go see because I'm broke and unemployed.

I've applied for so many jobs I've lost count now. Even simple jobs, like pumping gass, or flipping burgers at Burger King. Never seem to get any phone calls - as far as I know I have no criminal record. Was caught smoking pot once... big deal. I have a GED rather than a traditional high school diploma, and I was a Jobcorps student. Other than that, I can't figure out what's keeping me from getting a job that almost anyone can do.

I've been putting off going to school because I hated it so much when I was young that I dropped out. It was like a prison for me. Now I'm thinking about enrolling for the fall semester at a local university... but that still leaves me here for the months to come.

Even having made this decision, I feel worse and not better. I've been so depressed lately that some times I just lay in bed, not moving, barely thinking, barely feeling anything but a vague sort of apathetic misery with life in general. I've been reading the same books over and over again from my library (a tiny closet in my room, with a shelf that hosts a large number of fantasy books, and self help books).

I keep hoping something will happen, that I'll suddenly have some kind of epiphany that will make it all easier to cope with. Or that someone wise and understanding will help me to heal and become a mentor, help me to be happier and perhaps wiser.

No, I wouldn't harm myself. Though I do think about doing so, particularly at the worst of times, I would not. Still, I have thought about crying out for help, my therapist seems unable to help me and as frustrated as I am. My psychiatrist is distant and uncaring - not good for much but prescribing drugs. I've become so desperate to feel better that I've honestly considered going to the hospital and lying, or calling the help line and lying. Telling them that I'm going to kill myself - I'm not, you understand, but it would get me help. And it seems to be the quickest way, the magic words, the only ones they respond to.

My parents are in their fifties, pretty content with life in general I suppose. They can't understand what I'm going through and can't help me. I'm beginning to doubt that I can even help myself. I'm afraid that I'm going to keep spiraling down into this misery until all I do is lay in bed all day, hating the world.

That's not what I want... at heart I believe I am a good person, empathetic and caring and gentle if nothing else. Yet it seems I am a prisoner of my own mind, a prisoner of circumstance, and a prisoner in my own home. The gas prices are so high I can barely leave home at all - and being here all the time is one of the things driving me crazy. I've tried to escape into my books, but they don't offer relief as they used to.

I feel like I'm stuck in the same place. Like I'm living the same day over and over and over again and nothing I do makes the slightest difference. It is an awful feeling, and I wish I could cry, I wish something miraculous and wonderful would happen and I would feel better. I wish I could get out of here. But if wishes were horses...

Thanks for reading my rant. Not sure if there's any point, any conclusion to it... not sure if posting it will help me. Just wanted to talk about it.

(edited for spelling)

[elleng]

1. very sorry, david.

had thyroid tested? check it out.

Here's a thread where its discussed somewhat; check it out. At least it will give you something new to read!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=317x1002

Peace

[Droopy]

2. Hey David

Print out your original post here and show it or read it to your therapist and psychiatrist.

If I lived near you I would come over and get you out of the house. I'm no mentor and I don't have much wisdom, but it sounds to me like you could really use a friend right now. Someone who could break up the endless days of listlessness and pop you out of your rut. Just doing something with someone can be very helpful. It doesn't have to be a deep or particularly meaningful experience. That's what helped Murray's character in Groundhog's Day. After wallowing in despair for a long time he decided to get to know the people and the world around him. That's a great movie, btw. :) Of course, to change your mood you are probably going to need more than just social interaction and that's where the drug therapy comes into play. Don't stop using your meds and get personal with the psychiatrist. He or she might be able to help.

[davidthegnome]

3. Yeah, replying to my own thread

I know, it's pathetic. But I wanted to rant some more and it's easier than creating a whole new thread.

My girlfriend told me today that she doesn't respect me or trust me. She says it's because I don't follow through with anything, that I procrastinate. I don't know if that's reason enough to say I'm unworthy of trust or respect - but I don't think you can have love without them. So I asked her what she thought love was and she said she didn't know.

Ouch. So I finally told her that I'd be glad to be her friend if she still wanted that, but that any romantic relationship between us was over. She replied "Fine, I'll save a lot on my cell phone bill. Besides, you'll change your mind in a few days anyway."

I have no intention of changing my mind. It's driving me even crazier than I already am and it hurts like hell, but I can't have a relationship without trust or respect. It's rotten, I think I'm going to be hitting the bottle tonight. I know, it's not good for me, particularly when I'm depressed, but it seems to be the only option to improve my mood.

The conclusion I guess, is that my life sucks. I wanted to go to school so I could eventually marry her. Then this happens and now I don't know if I even want to bother applying anymore. I can't possibly see any way how my life could get better, nor can I see any way it could get worse. Anyone else feel that way?

Ah well... wah wah wah. I'll go cry into my wine now.

[Droopy]

4. Yep, I've felt that way before.

"I can't possibly see any way how my life could get better, nor can I see any way it could get worse. Anyone else feel that way?"

But I know from experience that life can always get worse. From the time I was 20 until I was 30 life got worse every day. I lost so much time. That's a no bullshit answer.

But now days I know that life can get better. Even though I'm a little down today, my life is still light years better than it was 5 years ago. I actually have a promising future. Now if I could just keep them ghosts from haunting my mind I'll be doing excellent. That's not bullshit, either.

Hang in there.

[hermetic]

5. Hey, David

I saw something in your post there that I think you need to think about. You said, "I wanted to go to school so I could eventually marry her."

I would like to suggest that you need to want to go to school for YOU. Not for someone else. I understand how it might seem like the same thing, but really, it isn't.

Your happiness and satisfaction in life will not come from someone else. You need to find them within yourself. It is an old saying that you cannot truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself first.

I do wish you the very best and hope you can find a way to work this out.

[davidthegnome]

6. But, getting down to the really sucky part

On top of being unable to find a job anywhere, and not being qualified for well... 90% of the ones that come out, I should probably go to school to help me get one. But I can't afford to go to school, the financial aid would help, but wouldn't cover it completely. So I have to get a job to help pay for school - which I can't find. So I should go to school to get a job... which I can't afford.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? It doesn't really matter.

So I'm stuck here, trapped. Even my parents are struggling and just barely able to stay out of the hole. They can't afford to help me through school. I spent months and months working on an internet business - only to lose more than I could afford and end up in debt. My bank account has been the hole for like two months now, I have no clue how much I owe them. I'm up to my ears in medical debt.

So I thought about the army as an option. No, I don't believe in this war - but it's a job, and a guarenteed paycheck. They won't take me while I'm on meds though, and getting off these meds would render me useless.

So at twenty-three years old... what more can I do? Looks like I've got decades ahead of the same bloody day every single day. I know a lot of people have it worse than I do, but this is too much for me. I don't know what to do, miserable, helpless and hopeless.