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Edited on Fri Feb-02-07 04:51 PM by undergroundpanther
One I have been asking myself since Tuesday.
I came up with this:
Nothing meaningful.
I say nothing meaningful because, the place is devoid of meaning.
It's a glorified babysitting service.And that to me is a waste of space and my time and it disrespects the sacredness of my person-hood..
I know alot of people have lost their own meaning in their own life. Their dreams get crushed, they get conditioned to put away the things they like or want to be because our society is so damn authoritarian based. It usurps person's true meaning and puts in it's place a game..of striving to be somebody and to"be a success" and 'in control'.As defined by the culture of control that surrounds us and is invisible like air. I have lost touch with my meaning , than sometimes I see glimmers of it.This program reminded me of my meaning again. And circumstances change and I loose it again.And it is always painful when this happens and that's when I need support not control or my changes to make dictated to me.
My tattoos and my panther totem are ways I hold onto my meaning it is a symbolic representation of my soul's passion and my meaning, or how the Ancient Egyptians would say Panther is my Maat. Having your own meaning in a culture determined from the day you are born(girls wear pink boys blue for instance) to crush, control,co opt , warp, or erase your own meaning and self identity and fill it in with something else, something to serve the state and system. For this brutal culture is sick and meaning is twisted into a game of hierarchy and serve the "leaders". Having your own Maat and being unashamed of your passion and dreams is called sometimes the courage to be who you really are.But it is way deeper than that.
Maat Is the foundation of the respect of sacred person-hood, the soul if you will that makes a person feel health and life itself inside them like a spark. And this Maat also applies for the souls of individuals, cultures and the world..
For an individual to remember, protect and dare to be their true hearts passion,regardless of what the authorities say and the stigmas they try to inflict you with, that kind of truth has no place and no voice in the culture of control and the demand for conformity and this self destructive competitive conflict this market driven culture requires of us to become if we want to be 'normal'. For one to NOT be considered "mentally ill" One had to give up many aspects of identity and what makes them feel alive and whole.
Once you remember your own meaning you become a threat to the whole concept of normal itself,(Francis Galton father of Eugenics invented"normal"and the "bell curve") If you do not only play this person hood killing game, but if you also refuse to make believe the normal game is good or even a desirable thing to live dedicated to and you decide to live according to your passion and your hearts desire and your true meanings,you are a threatened to make sure you never are taken seriously or heard you are given a "social death sentence".
A social death sentence HURTS it can cause you to want to die, Like a Cell which is rejected from the body goes into Apotosis,or programmed cell death that begins with of all things a "crisis cascade" .The cell does not recognize the body rejecting it is a cancer tumor or if it is the cell community of healthy tissue it just recives the signal to die and go away. When it believes it is not needed and chemical signals from cells around it fail to give it a place it dies. To ward off the social death given by cancerous personalities a person might build up defenses to protect the tattered self and this conflict can make you suffer emotionally. This I believe IS what mental illness is, mental illness is soul injury. If you don't play make believe you are "normal" you are given a humiliating diagnosis and you are shut down,be it chemical lobotomy,hospital ,abuse or some other authoritarian silencing tool wielded by an ignorant asshole with no inner locus of control or passion and meaning of his own, he resents you because you still have Maat.And that is a threat to the fake meaning he thinks is real..Some people after they get the meaning of their lives crushed and are so hurt they take over the job of enforcer and they hurt others.Some hurt themselves because they are convinced by the society we are in they not acceptable, not worthy of being loved or wanted. They may want to trust but they cannot risk it..They keep everyone away from their true heart and passion and hide it because they are in pain.
I have had social death sentences declared on me from my own parents, my peers, countless ignorant and stigma reinforcing people,and of course the"helpers" in almost every psych system or program I have been involved with getting state funding. So in many ways I too hide my hearts desire. When I began expressing my meaning and cherishing and protecting it,The authoritarians playing"helper" didn't tolerate it,they clamped down on me more to force a change by bullying me. I found got more healthy when I got away from authoritarians and rejected their systems and"help". I still need support though. And I had to learn to distinguish which kinds of support let me BE healthy and myself.
Society giving a person in pain who is unable to reconcile societies demands and their true passion suffer a social death sentence. That is exactly what hurts the spirit of what makes life worth living, which is remembering and being passionate in your own meaning.
I was in a Hearts and Ears board meeting with the Department of Baltimore Mental Health's board of trustees. Yes I was wearing a tail ,my hair was bright blue and I was dressed in my own stylistic glory.I did not dress "appropriate" for the"occasion" for I don't believe in dress codes. Safety or health regulation based changes on dress makes sense.(like hard hats on construction sites, hair nets around food prep, no dangly jewelry around machines kinda stuff, no naughty bits hanging out around kids.)
But to deny a person the right of self expression with their own body and how they adorn it that is not harming others to me is abusive.
During the meeting the question was asked What could make the mental heath system work better for GBLT clients ?What changes could BMHS make?
Everyone gave different and thoughtful answers.
When it became my turn I said the system has give up control over changing people by force. Stop trying to manage who other people are and regulating which types of self expression, passion and meaning is "appropriate" as in right or wrong. Stop giving people social death sentences for being creative , intelligent,different or non-mainstream. Let people be what they want to be and encourage that even if it never leads to employment or career.Stop tolerating that kind of soul murdering authoritarian abuse done by anyone involved in the mental health system.Stop trying to change people,by negating them, instead accept them and let them tell YOU what they need so they can change in the way that heals them. You might not agree,with them, you might not like it, you might even be threatened by it, but you must let people find their own way to grow passionate into remembering their own meanings, and than let them be..
There was a long silence.
The director of the BCMH turned to me and said, Panther your very existence threatens the entire model of the mental health system as it is.
I said Thank you for such a compliment. Are you willing to learn from us , and understand why what the system does hurts us and keeps us "sick"?.
Another long silence.
Today I remembered that whole exchange.And it came into sharp focus today When the day program disregarded my boundary rule,which was That I would call THEM first IF I wanted to go.
They obviously do not respect me as a person enough to consider I may have very valid reasons to not want to be there today.Valid reasons based in MY own health.This program will I know now be hurtful to me. Monday I will call them up and tell them I am not returning.ever.
The rude motherfuckers showed up 8 am banging on my door calling my phone.I answered the second time they called and said No, I do not want to come in today. The lady said oh, ok and they left.
They are so controlling,\ still they are Oblivious to the fact I am more nocturnal in my sleep wake habits due to trauma. Why they cannot comprehend that is beyond me.
This intrusiveness on their part upon my request to have my boundary over when I go,really angered me because I know, my therapist knows,I need to be in control to regulate how much exposure I get to this triggering place for my own sanity's sake.. If I am harassed to go there when I am not emotionally ready,or prepared or I just don't want to go,It will make my symptoms worse.I also realized sleeping for 5 hours after I went there, and 3 days of a reactive depression is not indicative of a healthy response to what they 'offer'.
So I realized they offer Nothing Meaningful to ME.
So I ain't going back. I don't have room in my life for insensitive people trying to force me, who disrespect my boundaries, my person hood and are threatened by my meaning being as it is. I don't want"help"like that anymore..Because it makes me sick.
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