Just wanted to check in.

[EFerrari]

I feel like someone has hit me on the head with a shovel.

Doug is using. I don't pretend to know more.

He's telling everyone *I'm* having a meltdown and I feel so sad.

Addiction is a very, very tough deal.

I feel hurt but/and I'm just trying to stay level. This is sort of a reminder to me not to take anything for granted, I guess.

[shrike]

1. Wow

Did this come out of the blue, does his "therapist" know?

[EFerrari]

3. I don't think she knows yet. I always seem

to find out first. The irony is, she's an addiction specialist.

:(

[mopinko]

2. oh, dear

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

i have a friend that is a psych social worker. in his spare time he is a musician and a writer. he told me once that he had this great idea for a play. a love story about a drunk and the woman who saves him with her love. i told him that i really, really hate that story, which, of course, has been told many times before. my mother believed that story. so, my father drank until he died. so, she raised 7 kids, and one big drunk baby, on her own, on a secretary's salary. it was a miserable life for everyone. that is the way that love story ends in the real world most of the time. and all along mom blamed herself for not being good enough to make it all perfect.
every once in a while this friend wags his finger at me and says- you ruined my story. he knew all to well the toll on those who love addicts of that fairy tale.
whatever you do, DO NOT beat yourself up. doug loves you the best he can. but his best has a big hole in it. that has nothing to do with you. you are one of the best people i know.

[EFerrari]

4. I only hope it's a short run.

Oh boy.

Thanks, mopinko. I feel pretty terrible. It helps to unload a little.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[mopinko]

5. how ya doin' honey?

i was wondering if you think that he was using before he left, or if the cravings were building up, and he was just "putting your face on them". if you know what i mean? does that help to think of it like that? i think you should. it is not you that he rejected. he just couldn't hang on to the old straight and narrow, and you were the biggest part of that. he could blame it on you, like addicts always do.

please stay strong, m' dear. it is not you. it is not even doug. it is a neurochemical bent. he loves you the best he can.

[EFerrari]

6. I found out something really creepy.

The therapist has been telling Doug that I'm not his wife, I'm his roommate! She's been telling him I'm not his family but his caretaker!

:wow:

What a spectacular failure of imagination. And what a terrible disrespect of Doug, me and our choices.

:wow:

I do get it about addiction. My mom is a beautiful recovering alcoholic. She got sober when my first son was born. When we were little, we used to go to meetings with her because she couldn't afford a sitter. The program was our church, lol. Doug hasn't come clean to me and, he may not. You never can know, can you.

My PTSD is calming down a little but my moods are all over the place. I'm trying to just stay out of the reactive dynamics as best as I can. It's a little like walking around with a book on your head.

Well, let's see how we do. We've certainly had enough practice by now.

[mopinko]

7. man, this is why

people who have never been through this shit have no idea what it is like. i do not think that ir is an uncommon experience to have a therapist do something completely ridiculous. all the ones i know personally are a walking, talking bag of issues, looking to understand themselves. if the are self aware, and walking a path that is helpful to you, they can help you. if their issues are somewhere else altogether, or too close to you, you are sunk. it's a plain ole crapshoot.

[EFerrari]

8. It really is. I never realized HOW LUCKY I was in my own therapist

that I had in Berkeley. When I interviewed her, she was just an intern. But, she had so much integrity and she was FUNNY. I saw her every week, sometimes twice a week, for six years. I still love her to death. She taught me so much and yet, it was always as if we were discovering things together.

I'm not taking this lying down. After I put my jaw back, I called Doug and busted her for disrespect. Whatever happens, it's really important to me for our families to be respected. As soon as we're framed as "something else", then the whole system can begin to ignore or mistreat us. I'm not signing for that, not now, not ever.

/typo