sad rant...(potential triggers)

[undergroundpanther]

My therapist asked me why don't you have goals for the future?
Don't you want to do something meaningful with your art talent..Do you want a job? all your goals seem so personal.

I replied I don't do it because I don't have a future.I don't want a boss taking my future away for his profits as nothing as it is either..
What does my art skill matter in this world really? I can't change anything with it.Far more funded,skillful artists try to wake people up and no one listens to them either.
I'll just do art because I can, to please myself and my freinds that's good enough 'fame'for me.

He asked Why is that OK for you?

I asked him
Why is it not OK for you?
I do this because I realize that everything I care about and this culture itself could be gone soon.I could invest all I got and lose it all tomorrow,Things are that precarious in life now. When Clinton was in office I once had idea dreams of doing stuff like a teeshirt business,selling jewelry I make or selling magical supplies or a coffeehouse...but those dreams are not viable,not now with the way things are.
The risks and the "rewards" in this political climate are not worth it to me to play the game.I am waiting for this whole police state thing to be over with.And I don't think I'll live through it.

I accept the idea humanity is incapable of being decent to each other in big top down militaristic competitive culture like this one. I don't think humanity will survive this massive game of denial greed delusion and ignorance.

There is no one near me(except my partner) knows who I am and they certainly are not interested in finding out..
They blithely mow the lawn..and wave to me.Anything but talk about this.

Nobody wants to hear the truth of the coming hell.. they see it written in my body language and all,they see it in me and they avoid.. Nobody wants to really do what it takes to stop the insane bullies hellbent on dominating and destroying the world and making it like they are..

No they mow the lawn,sit in rush hour traffic. obey the leader as if it would magically erase their responsibility in all this.

I want all this to be over with. If Bush does the gulag routine, he knows how to get away with it and from all appearances he is getting away with it,while people quibble over "conspiracy" and float around the mainstream as they forget their leader is on the fringe..Today they can afford to deny seeing the obvious patterns of what is happening to our government .Deny the stage is being set for a holocaust ..It's all there in the kinds of laws that are being passed,

It's a conspiracy against us worthy of the Roman empire and the Senate working against the people.. And the people want so bad to believe big daddy government isn't a bad and doing evil things with power they gave away..While the rich beats the poor of our human family senseless the stronger middle class who can afford the luxury of denial, suck his ass to save themselves and turn away from the poor who need their help..typical of human cowardice and traumas.

I can't take much more of this bullshit around me. I don't give a shit about the dramas of pop stars and fashion statements and the new Ipod in colors.This fluffy headed inaction and divisiveness in people triggers me constantly.

I want This regime to pass away,If it stays because people are stupid than hurry it up and just shoot me.Get the goddamn firing squad of lapdogs on koolaid with itchy grubby hands to just shoot me,let the masters give them their scooby snacks,to keep them loyal to a turd,as they toss my body in a hole ..bury it and lets be over with it.

Because I think there will be no revolution,and by time people admit there needs to be one,it will be too late because they didn't want to think daddy government needed involvement,action,(sometimes violent or politically incorrect) on all our parts with peaceful Resistance to stop it from conspiring to make us slaves and torture and kill us..The American people haven't got a rebellious or anti authoritarian heart anymore..No they bash the ones who do,the people are superficial cowards,for the most part..They are sold out and a bunch of talk it over utopians..Sit and debate on line rather than do the right thing ,failing to reach out to each other despite our differences and can't grow some teeth to bite masters hands kinda fools..

That social conditioning, new age airy fairy belief of harm none and create your own reality crap it has made the middle class toothless against abusers of trust and power.It's becoming too late to bother to wake up all the well meaning bystanders.Too many people are traumatized and reacting or rationalizing abuse as not being what it is especially when it's not in their own backyards.. too defensive to hear,too obedient to doubt, too stuck on religion to think,too isolated and clinging to false innocence and self deception to act with any kind of sanity on all this.

We talk all day about it and we are fucked by our work it out attitudes and this irrational insistence on non violence in the face of violent people who don't care who don't want to reason,. who want us destroyed and get off on torture..

The time for talking about it all has long past,the time for reason has past.And I fear the time for action against the coming human hell is passing.

The sociopaths have been given too much trust and power in society now. They own too much in the world ,they have too many loyal blind and pay as you go believers,too many weapons and too little sanity.. The Earth is dying and we don't have the time for psychoanalyzing bullies motives anymore..We just have to STOP THEM. The time for rehabbing the people who will not change, is past..We suffer as we wait for people who want to reason it out to be done with twiddling with people that will not be reasoned with and will not live and let live.. and by them the noose will be closing on us.The mechanisms for control slavery and abuse of the people are in place..the trap is baited and waiting to be sprung.And people REFUSE to see!!

The American people welcomed tyranny in on 2000 their collective guilt and desire for a strong man Father abuser figure,has happened and he has no sanity in him,he gets off on others suffering,this time American folly and religion has picked a real tyrant and he is running the home into a hell..and the abusers of the world are happy to beat us without us fighting back,rape us and we can do nothing in our own defense,and they steal us blind and get away with it in the sociopaths paradise our nation is becoming...

Look at how these people in power now VOTE in favor of Perps or let them go...(and you know the voting process does not matter anymore..our right to a fair vote is GONE never to return as long as the bullies control the country and make us fear )..The election process and right was stolen from us long ago it became obvious in 2000 when the count was stopped and the right wing supreme court put their bully boy in..and we CONSENTED because we didn't storm the WH and demand the people decide and RE-VOTE.) We stood by waiting to be lead,and no one dares offend the powers that be so we are not lead and I fear we will stand by waiting for leader until we are sent to camp...The neocons are a cabal of bullies who like to make us suffer they steal and write laws for the sake of their selfish stability and fake glory and wanting this rapture story to come true. They don't care,and now they don't even have to pretend they care.

I told my therapist,,
I don't want to get a job just to get abused and have no insurance and no way to pay to exist... I'm already stressed out enough and want to kill myself and the world..why add to it?.Having a boss thinking he can ride my ass and crack the whip to make me produce more to feed his greedy maw isn't gonna help me, I know he will pay me peanuts for my time,as he gets wealthy off of me and uses my mind and creativity for himself and the laws are written so he can take what I create ands steal it and make it corporate property..He can parasite off my creativity that he does not have himself,living well off my suffering like a parasite, all while he thinks he has the right to tell me who I am cause he thinks he owns me.That whole game of job and success ain't worth it to me.

I don't have a future because the future I see is not one that is kind to people like me.I don't have allies here in this town of strangers.. I don't have a place of safety,I don't feel I can do anything that would change things because people don't like what I have to say.The future to me looks ugly.They want to play pretend.

It's not just my fault I feel this way, the American people around me are oblivious,trivial,conditioned, apathetic ,feel so powerless and ineffective and reek of denial and I know they will not risk their creature comforts or their offspring's comforts comforts to do the right thing to save humanity from it's evil hearted leaders and two faced exploiters..because I know If I were to do what my heart says to do about this I would be killed trying.Nobody wants to risk it.

The criminals in control of this world have their lapdogs who's unyielding loyalty to leader and sky god has blinded their own humanity. I wish I was dead. Because the pain of seeing good people here and everywhere wringing their hands and suffering and being unable or unwilling to help each other, is too much to bear....my heart is crushed by the ignorance around me .It's not any one persons fault,these bullies own us... it's a collective blame,,and that hurts individuals...and individuals can't fix it,but collective action could do something and there is no more collective or community.

It's because in reality we are scattered, we live miles away from each other. Our relationships are nothing but words on a screen that effect us while we read it,when I go offline you cannot be here. I can't walk to Ladyhawke's house,drop in on Midlothian,,or shoot the shit with anyone here who is not in Maryland...it hurts me this distance when I turn off the computer.We cannot easily join forces locally and force changes that could help us at least create a safe zone.. I can't afford to travel on SSI or without state money... the very state that would be on Bush's command rounding up the mentally ill to stuff them into reeducation camps in Alaska and force Jesus down our throats so we won't be gay..or just kill and torture us,stick haldol implants in our brains,capture our souls on microchips so we will not be who we are and we will call bad people good..and obey and serve the self designated masters without complaint.

To these fuckers abuse fixes everything fear makes a great slave out of a human being trying to survive,They'll beat everything out of us they don't like about us and if abuse don't work and break us down they'll just imprison us,make sure we do not have a voice,work us to death and kill us off,either way they win they have underground hideouts to survive anything..and we don't...you know the drill,no man,no problem.

I don't see a future for me or people like me in this world,I'm not so sure I want to live in a master rules servant world.


Everyday I see how animals suffer,they are abused,vivisected grow up on factory farms, get hit on the road when rich men decide to build something and take away from the land again to line their pockets. Nobody gives a shit about them. We have polluted air,water and land that messes up our hormones messes up our DNA,and no one cares about it enough to act..No they wave a sign write and article they investigate scientifically and try to explain the danger to idiots who think an old dusty scroll of bigotry and fanciful fairy tales written by a backwater tribe thousands of years ago is absolute truth and even worse the hero of the fairy tale will give us a new earth so we can fuck this one,it's a throwaway planet to the true believers and the good churches will not look at what words and why the bible could WARP and excuse certain perceptions in some believers minds when they read that book and make them dangerous...

Nobody who knows how corrupt the FDA is..Nobody makes these people who allow the Bigpharmacy to see these drugs to the public take experimental drugs on the fast track. No one forces the CEO of DuPont drink Dioxin laced water to prove it's safe.Nobody walks into the protected palace of Exxon headquarters with a camera rolling and makes the CEO of Shell drink MTBE laced tap water. like he makes all the citizens do and citizens so oblivious obedient and selfish they might not even care to know they do...until enough people get sick.

Humanity is doomed unless the people get honest real fast,quit having kids to take care of their own emotional pain,h quit having kids in general,for awhile so they can act without fearing for them..until more people decide they've suffered enough to risk changes in this way of life,and go for the real perps things will stay this way..

The well heeled rich sociopaths and their lying lapdogs who say global warming is not real,who refuse to create a sustainable future and a just society.Who would cut social security to run a ponzi scam,who would bring slots or a new stadium to a town rather than drug treatment that's affordable.THEY are the problem..When will we stop this game? The "leaders" are unable or unwilling to stop as long as we play their way.

When will they hoist Falwell,Ratzinger and Dodson up on a rope and make them spill all the truth about the unchristian inhuman things their organizations do to people in the name of Jesus and world domination??

Until people are motivated to do what it takes(it could mean extreme and violence and it could mean non violence and resistance..all at the same time in case you didn't notice that harm none game, it ain't reality) We need to rely on EACH OTHER before we go on obeying leaders and looking to leaders,as they keep on urging us to tolerate these manipulating two year olds running around with nukes,obscene wealth,media strangleholds, and tazers,we are screwed.

We can't talk on line or offline all day about these people this is what they use the net for to keep us on line in our homes and off the streets...The people who will not reason with us,who think we are monsters because the TV or preacher bob says so, and those of us who are sympathetic but will not risk offending their masters or colleagues and risk looking"extreme" are a problem. Somethings gotta give, this the tension is unbearable,justice cannot be denied forever and I fear the last word will not be ours.It will be the Earths.

I just want this whole fascism game to be all over with and people to WAKE UP NOW..Because I fear the fascist elements will not go away from power easily.And it is made more difficult because some people are itching to be re traumatized and sad part is they drag ME along into it, and alot of other people who don't want a "strong(abusive father type) leader" but still they by-stand and wring their hands and true to abusive family dynamics get all ambivalent and ineffective at articulating the coming human hell..so nobody DOES anything about the abuses.


Pigs like we have in power now are part of a population among humanity that has serious personality flaws they are INSANE,they are bullies and get their self worth and identity by being abusive,they never rest in their seeking of power and for more people to con,use and abuse. The American people are not all that vigilant about stopping abuse at home or school They can't stop,bullies in the WH who misuse of power.They worry intellectually about keeping free and fair, but will not back up their analysis with fists..we lost it all to the charismatic con men and assholes among us.

For me now it's a matter of just sitting here and waiting for my SSI to be robbed. Waiting for the "mandatory psych tests" which I will fail with flying colors,and I will wait for the Fema vultures to come in,send me to"reeducation camp,I'll commit suicide under Treatment"torture" and the staff will rob the corpse, rape it and shove it into a crematorium so the good little sheeple can all pretend everything is OK...Hey the economy is great! Jesus is coming.I put a magnetic ribbon on my SUV I support the troops! How about them O's,Have you eaten at that new restaurant yet?.Did you see Brittney's dress!!!?? Ohmigod!

There is no safe place for me,not in the world anymore..and not inside myself either.Denial and escape into simple pleasures does not come easy to me,I have been hurt too much in my life to put away my vigilance like so many others seem to do by default. I can't pretend I am OK because people are worried about me now and I don't want them yo know...They should have worried years ago but now it's too late for me and the world... The damage is done because it was ignored by so many and now no one can fix it,so I hurt all day and people still believe the rich have a right to take more than they deserve...

I swear I hate all pedophiles torturers rapists and abusive bully people it is a black seething hate because of their choices to do harm.But that alpha tendency in this culture is out of control, it is the militaristic patriarchal domination mind what is running and ruining our lives ,and killing this planet..And no one with a good heart will do the right thing and top them and knock them out of supremacy. We cannot run away there is no safe place where Bush bully nukes can't kill us.

Our by standing and pretending to get along and negotiate with fascists theocracy and people who choose to see us as objects to be used or destroyed will not save us from the predatory ways of these assholes.Yammering expecting the unreasonable to reason and those with no capacity for empathy to care about my suffering or anyone elses..is deadly folly.And America is into this folly so far it can't talk it's way out now.

This is why I have no goals outside of the ones I make for myself personally.

I wonder if I can't find a comfortable state of mind in myself that does not make me a hypocrite in denial,without drugging myself into a fake stupor like comfort(I don't want to mess with drugs )Or find some real healing,or find whatever can help me,if no therapist can help me heal before my MA is cut, I am doomed to suffer from the after effects of PTSD which is the tainted gift of abusers that burns the brain,that never stops taking away,..I might as well be dead.

Because my heart is dying, my soul is tortured and all the tears I cry and cuts that bleed have not changed anything for me.I can try to make myself feel better,distract myself but it is always temporary.The world comes rushing in regardless the triggers come,and the despair.Of I hole up in my house to avoid triggers the loneliness,the despair and the futility comes.

I hear people giving me platitudes,like if you just change your attitude it all gets better..To me that advice looks obscene. I can't create my own reality and neither can anyone. I never wanted to be here.And I can't get out of this existence alive, All the forced Pollyanna I can muster inside to make myself believe in my own optimism and build a better reality falls flat.

My attitude change will not change the fact this culture is desperately sick,it hurts,it's full of abusers hurting people as millions stand by, our world is dying from being over consumed and polluted and we can't stop ourselves.Positive thinking does not stop me from feeling this...It does not stop optimist economists with their head in their own realities from pretending the economy is great and selling that lie on TV while millions lose jobs because the economy is rigged against 88% of us ever finding security in it..

When does this idea of changing of attitude that people recommend so much cross over into full blown Pollyanna in a dress denial? You can't pretend away this bad reality and wish away pain and turn away from horror of this magnitude without cutting out part of your capacity to care....and blinding yourself..deliberately.. Like I tried to do in elementary school when I tried to ram a no.2pencil into my temple in class because of the bullies tormenting me....My own 7 year old style lobotomy.The pencil shattered and I had a little scrape and a bit of pencil lead the school nurse had to take out.They sent be back to class didn't ask why I did it.. Denial is wonderful tool people have to keep the truth away so our entire human race will inevitably die of it's own self bullshitting.

If I could create my own reality I would have not been born here,female, poor ,in a home run by a drunk tyrant,next door to a pedophile,in a school full of bullies, I don't want to live in this kind of society on a planet where life feeds on the death of other's life , the life it relates to.I don't want to compete and struggle to"BE SOMEBODY" for all my life running in a rigged system,to survive,in this might makes right, kill or be killed bullshit..

But I am here regardless of my non consent and so I await the day my body expires.Or the fascists or crusaders for Christ come to kill me. I don't care what happens to me anymore..fuckit.

[knowbody0]

1. i understand deeply

the book Radical Forgiveness was recommended to me. i found it very helpful.
good luck to you. you are incredibly articulate, and i always enjoy your posts.

[Maraya1969]

2. Wow you said what I feel!

But your therapist is a real ass for telling you that you have to achieve something the our "Society" says is good. There are tribes in Africa and Australia and other parts of the world where they hunt and gather the food and then sit around telling stories. Would he dare tell these people to do something valuable with their lives? Who determines what is valuable or not? People used to say those things to me a lot - like get a job or do something other than what I was doing. The truth is, it bothers THEM and it does not have anything to do with you.

"My therapist asked me why don't you have goals for the future?
Don't you want to do something meaningful with your art talent..Do you want a job? all your goals seem so personal."

[smirkymonkey]

3. I related to much of what you had to say as well.

My goals have nothing to do with making money (although I would like to HAVE some) or career ambition or any of that external, societal bullshit.

I vacillate between wanting to do something meaningful with my life and just wanting to take a job for the money so that I can indulge my passion for travel. (Getting the fuck out of this country appeals to me greatly.)

Why do people always expect us to turn our creativity over to the man? I am so sick of the way this society works and our collective "values."

I reject most of it, but that can make the world a lonely place. Fortunately, I live in NYC and there are a lot of people here who are also raging against the machine so I have found company.

I understand your frustration, but I also recognize your extreme sensitivity (I am the same way) and I find that my anti-depressants seem to keep me from going to the dark places as much. I was right where you are a few months ago and it was hell. I still don't feel too good about the world, but I find that I am not taking it as personally anymore. I hope you find some relief - It's pure hell to feel that way, I know.