Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

don't think i can deny it anymore

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Health & Disability » Mental Health Support Group Donate to DU
 
mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Oct-23-11 01:21 PM
Original message
don't think i can deny it anymore
I'm depressed. Again.

I thought I was better. And I guess I "was". . . for a while.

Then I thought it was just the stress. and my anxiety worsening. So I finally started treating the anxiety and now I see there's no denying that the depression is definitely back - in spades.

Damn I do NOT want to go back on more meds. I was okay with the anti-anxiety = even though it made me sleepy as hell. I changed my dosage to just bedtime - and maybe a half during the day if things got overwhelming (sometimes a whole, but then I usually practically fall asleep at work. unacceptable!)

I know I'd "be better" if I could just exercise. Get thee to a gym. But the thought of going is overwhelming. Everything is overwhelming except that which I do by rote, you know? I can't make decisions. I'm afraid of screwing up. I'm too tired to do anything. I'm hope-less.

It's just not f'ing fair, you know? Why do other people have these normal lives? Why do I always feel so on the outside and different? Most people have no clue 'cause I'm good at faking it. (Though I often berate myself after encounters for talking too damn much!!)

I'm feeling very hopeless about the future again. Just going through the gd motions and waiting to die. Not that I want to die. I want to see my kids be adults with kids. I want grandchildren. But then I start to even feel hopeless about THEIR futures - because I feel freakin hopeless about everything. I'm going to die a lonely bitter old woman just like my ex said I won't (damn him!). I don't really "like" a lot of people. I tolerate them. Then I suspect whether anyone really "likes" me. My "semi-friends" tend to be the oddballs no one else will be friends with, doncha know?

If I'm not at work, and my kid's not here. I'm alone. And I hate it. But I hate putting myself out there more.
Refresh | 0 Recommendations Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Oct-23-11 05:22 PM
Response to Original message
1. Sounds like the blues have caught you again,
I'm guessing if you have anxiety meds you've got a doc you can see about getting to a right dose. But in case you don't,
your profile says you are in Wisconsin, you can point and click on your county on the map at the NAMI Wisconsin site to find professional help near you.

http://www.namiwisconsin.org/help.cfm






Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Oct-24-11 09:31 AM
Response to Original message
2. you know, i have such a thirst for contact and approval
but at the same time, i hate people. hate getting along with people i guess is more accurate, but feel like people see me in ways that i do not see myself.
went back to school to study graphic design, looking forward to creative relationships, and so far, i hate this. i thought i would make friends, and instead i am making enemies out of friends. found out the hard way that people who don't know jack about visual issues don't like to talk to you about them, and can't imagine the process.

and yeah, i gave up on finding treatment, but i am giving the ad's one more try. i hated the shrinks. all docs wear a veil, but shrinks where giant foamrubber mascot heads. my rheumie is helping me with meds now.
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Fri Oct 24th 2014, 01:02 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Health & Disability » Mental Health Support Group Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC