Having a very hard day here.

[intheflow]

It's a combination of things - a head cold, low blood sugar because I had to miss lunch today - but mostly it's bone-crushing loneliness. I haven't had sex for five years, haven't even gone on a successful date in all that time. I was left 5 years ago by my long-time lover, while I was going through PTSD after working Hurricane Katrina humanitarian relief, left for a woman 15 years my junior, and lied to by said ex for a year because he felt too guilty to tell me the truth. Every man I ask out is either already seeing someone or I'm "too old" - even though they have all been within 3 years of my age (47). I'm not hideous, I've kept myself in good physical shape and I don't normally run around moping, but today has been rough.

Then there's the impending homelessness. I work two jobs, but one job ends at the end of this month which means I'll lose 1/3 of my income, which means I won't have the money to stay where I'm living. But I have no money to move, either. Not to mention I've moved 11 times in as many years for all kinds of reasons (landlords want to rent to friends, student housing issues, etc.). So I'm a bit stressed out about that, too.

Anyway, feeling very low right now. Not quite suicidal - thank God for having a wonderful dog I have to care for! - but it's crossed my mind. I'm just so very tired of not having any physical comfort, no one to hug, nothing to look forward to when I get home. No one to cook for, no one to laugh with, no one to cry with, that's for damn sure. Was set off today by a co-worker telling how he lost his wife to cancer 5 years ago, how broken up he still is about it, but he's been with someone else for four years now. I just don't understand why it seems so much easier for men to bounce back from these things, to find at least physical comfort, than it is for me. And I don't understand why I seem so frickin' undesirable to the opposite sex.

Anyway, just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

[Tobin S.]

1. This is a good place to let some steam off, intheflow

I know how hard it can be to find love. I was celibate for a very long time before I met my fiancee. I used to tell myself that it was a choice, and maybe it kind of was there for a while. But for about three years before I met my fiancee I really tried hard to find someone and it just wasn't happening. I was willing and able, women just didn't dig me for some reason. I did have some underlying issues that I needed to deal with and maybe they sensed that, but I've been a nice, easy-going guy now for a long time and I've seen a lot of women who are with guys who are not so nice. It just didn't make sense to me.

My fiancee says that there's some kind of mystical force that was guiding us to each other and we didn't meet until we were ready for each other. I'm not sure about that, but who knows? I'm 38 and she's 40, not too much younger than you. Don't stop trying. There are some good guys out there.

[intheflow]

2. Thank you, Tobin.

Your story gives me hope. And I'm better after a night's sleep.

Also realized late last night that yesterday was the 21st anniversary of my husband's murder. It happened on Mother's Day 1990, so I always think about it on Mother's Day of any given year. But some of this depression might have been a vestigial emotional memory re-emerging from over two decades ago. Now that I reflect on it, I've suffered a lot of lost intimacy in my life.

[mopinko]

3. don't know what to say.

i can see why you feel stuck. you have had some serious shit happen to you. is pretty much all i can say.
nobody wants to be alone. we are not wired that way. we are social animals. there are a few folks who are comfortable alone. but the rest of us feel pretty incomplete alone.

take care of yourself as best you can.

[intheflow]

4. You know,

you go along living your life thinking it's no big deal and then you wake up in your 40s, see most people leading mostly stable lives, and you realize just how weird your own journey has been. Well, maybe not you, but it sure happened to me!

Thanks for your support. I'm so grateful I have DU as a community resource. DUers across the globe have helped me through a lot of pain over the years.

Know that I see myself getting better. These bad days are only lasting a day or two now, when they used to last for weeks and months, and they only pop up every few months when it used to be every day or week.

[mopinko]

5. yeah, i am having an overdue case of that.

56 and realizing that i have done what other people needed, and so seldom what i have needed. have a good life in a lot of ways, but somehow missing me.
among those things i have given away is a chance to succeed on my own terms. i always thought there was time for that, but here i am, realizing that i am an old lady. maybe not completely too late, but certainly too late to do much more than survive. and i am falling apart physically in ways that make big success, or ever a good job difficult/impossible.

and yeah, du friends are always there for me. helped me through some very, very tough times.
be good to your self.

[intheflow]

6. I'll be good to me

if you'll be good to your bad self, Mo.

[murielm99]

7. That is a typical problem for women.

We often give away our chances for success, in order to do for others.

I have done it all my life. I have given up good jobs and career opportunities for family. I have given away my time and expertise for my political party. I am 62, and I think it is too late for me, too. However, I am not going to give away any more of my time or my ideas. I think I will insist on pay from now on.

[mopinko]

8. i know. gloria steinem told me not to.

i did it just the same. i wont give it away any more, either.