Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

Iím mentally ill, and I am dangerous to myself

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Health & Disability » Mental Health Support Group Donate to DU
 
HereSince1628 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-11 01:46 PM
Original message
Iím mentally ill, and I am dangerous to myself
Edited on Wed Jan-12-11 01:54 PM by HereSince1628
I understand that this is why I am so determined to argue the truths that the mentally ill are more often victims of violence than perpetrators, that we mostly arenít dangerous to others and that we can be intelligent.

Others think that my disorder makes me dangerous to them. I find THAT assessment of me very deeply distressing. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do is passionately protest that their assessment is wrong. In my passion to protest, I provide--in their perception--proof that I am indeed dangerous.

I have no greater self-loathing than comes from being considered dangerous. Dangerous is what my father was, what my brothers were and what my sister was: people trained in domestic violence by a master.

I have no greater fear than being seen to be the mirror of my father. Words fail to communicate the sting of the bile in my throat produced by that fear. Even dead he haunts me. In my dissociations, at times when I am greatly agitated, I literally feel him in me, his pants on my legs, his stubble on my face...his hair on my head. It terrifies me. I KNOW it isnít real, but the feeling of actually turning into him is tortuous. The sensation that I must escape him is exquisitely real. And I REALLY MUST, and do, cut, pound or tear all vestige of him out of me. Like a coyote in a trap chewing off its own legÖ

The psychological community calls this self-harm. Iíve called it salvation, but it isnít. Itís really a crutch, a way of focusing on a painful reality to keep from slipping into the being I loathe. I donít like pain. I donít invite pain. But itís a necessary tool. Like an extended cartoon pinch to be sure of wakefulness. The feeling that my face is his, is a delusion; the sting of the cutting is real. I desperately want reality. Iíve cut myself, shredding my clothes, dozens of time in minutes to Ďkeep it real.í

Emergency room nurses and hospital security guards donít understand this any more than a random person on the street. Iím mentally ill and Iím dangerous. In the presence of my dissociation, they fear for themselves. I suppose thatís natural. Destroying my left rotor cuff by aggressively placing me in arm bars and then smashing me into walls and onto the floor, was painful. It was real. It broke the dissociation better than the hair pulling that caused them to attack me. The lasting damage is worse than anything I ever did to myself. Iím left handed and I canít reach my wallet in my left pants pocket. I canít get a bar of soap into my right arm pit. I must thread my shirts and coats on and off carefully because I canít raise my left arm 40 degrees from my side without tearing pain. The hospital record says ďMr. ****** became agitated and was placed in four point restraintÖĒ Well I suppose that names some of it.

The out-patient staff and professionals have read my record. They are afraid of what I might do. Iíve never wanted to kill myself, but you know, they canít tell an act of suicide from an act of salvation so my record is flagged. I canít even see a dermatologist without first getting quizzed about whether I feel like I want to hurt someone. Itís devastatingly depressing. Because and despite of my most vigorous efforts to NOT be the dangerous person I know my father to have been, my caregivers see me as I saw him. Theyíve got me wrong and their reaction to me stirs up my own delusions and fear. Their misunderstanding has hurt me. Itís left me physically disabled and psychologically untreated. I walk into the out-patient mental health clinic and see THEMs. Thatís a downright horridly bad outcome.

Not everyone has problems like mine. But I am convinced I am not alone in feeling the bite of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding of mental illness hurts tens of millions of Americans every week. Some are hurt more, some are hurt less. But hurting due to misunderstanding and fear is terribly wrong. Itís got to be curtailed. Deleting posts wonít stop misunderstanding, it requires education at the point of the offense. I am sure I am annoying, but the only people who can stop the sweeping misunderstanding on DU is us. When you recognize it, please, intervene. Politely.
Refresh | 0 Recommendations Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jan-12-11 01:58 PM
Response to Original message
1. I understand being misunderstood (a bit.)
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
Tobin S. Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-14-11 04:08 PM
Response to Original message
2. Excellent post, man
cliffordu has a great thread about mental illness at the top of the greatest page right now that he posted in GD. I've posted a thread of my own about mental illness in the lounge. I cross-posted it here.
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
murielm99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jan-15-11 03:05 AM
Response to Reply #2
4. I guess I'll have to take him off ignore and read it. n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
JeffersonChick Donating Member (338 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-21-11 03:11 AM
Response to Reply #2
5. Got a link to that post?
I tried to do a search, couldn't find it. And there doesn't seem to be a way to search by user name, nor can you view a user name's posts. (Would be nice though)
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-21-11 09:40 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. you can search by author in the advanced search, but
you have to look in the right forum.
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
Cetacea Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jan-14-11 11:59 PM
Response to Original message
3. Best post I've read here since the shooting in Ariizona
And I hope that my own counter-stigma posts have been polite.
Printer Friendly | Permalink | Reply | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Fri Apr 18th 2014, 04:59 PM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » DU Groups » Health & Disability » Mental Health Support Group Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC