Borderline, cPTSD, MDD, and apparent psychogenic amnesia but it's behavioral

[HereSince1628]

not mental. Even in light of an EEG showing non-epileptic anomalous activity in my left temporal lobe, the problem is my behavior not my thinking...

It's a subtle but interesting twist in the evolution of my pursuing solutions to my problem. The VA out-patient mental health staff have given up on being able to help me. They've passed me off to a private clinic that they think is better suited to help me, and that clinic has me on a month's long waiting list. Well, ok. I've put up with myself for decades I suppose I can grind out a couple of months of waiting...especially since I have a psychologist who isn't afraid to prescribe perception altering drugs.

But in this process, I have noticed that things have changed. At the VA I was a patient of the trauma unit of the _MENTAL_ health division. The private clinic specializes in _BEHAVIORAL_ medicine. So it seems that my mental health problems do not have the importance of my behavioral problems. I can't help but notice that significantly shifts priorities about whose problems are needing to be solved. It's gone from MY problem to how I give THEM a problem.

Now, I'd admit that my behavior hasn't always been good. Hell, sometimes, it's downright awful, and in particular my behavior in three separate and exceedlingly poignant 15 second episodes over a period of about 9 years significantly and negatively harmed my employability and several versions of my own self image. But, isn't it interesting that the focus is shifting from my mental health (which is mostly about thinking and emotion) to my behavior (which is actually about the way I do things in my days--and I presume with that a shift in emphasis to how I do things involving other people's reactions to what I do rather than how I feel about how my days go)?

Without disparaging the good will and intent of care-providers, I wonder if, and to what extent, the focus on my behavior is really very different from the focus on mad behavior used by directors of asylums in the 17th century? If they put me in restraints (and they have) do they get what they want? If I sat quietly in a lock-up is their treatment a success?

I wonder exactly what behavioral treatment will give me access to 'normal' activity schedules so that I can finish the years I have left on this planet without restraints and segregation from the world? When that treatment is over, will I be able to think well of myself, or will I be burdened with an obligation to feel that I was rescued from disaster?

[elleng]

1. Good to hear things are moving along, however slowly.

I'd be reluctant to conclude anything about THEIR conclusions based on what 'unit' you were in, or what a clinic 'specializes' in.

'Bureaucracy' does what it does. Much to learn, I suspect.



:thumbsup:

[HereSince1628]

3. Yes, and bureaucracy also says no therapy for me 'til Feb or Mar of 2011.

[elleng]

4. Hang in there; we're with you.

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

2. The way I understand it

they want to change the way you interact with others. I think I see it your way. It becomes less about you and your problems and more about other people. I can see how such treatment could be of benefit seeing as how you say that you've hurt yourself and others because of your behavior. But what about the distress you feel in your mind? You could be the nicest person in the world and never hurt anyone with actions or words, but still be miserable and possibly suicidal.

No, it doesn't sound like they are worried about your thoughts. Let us know how the treatment works and how it affects you.

[DaveJ]

5. What IS your thinking?

I mean, if the professionals said your thinking is not a problem, according to them it must be alright. For instance, I think most people around me are privileged jerks with their heads up their asses, who mostly have had family, happiness, and opportunity handed to them throughout life. A psychologist would probably say my thinking is wrong, pump me with meds, and collect a big paycheck in return. After all they don't get paid to say and do nothing, so they'll regurgitate any nonsense and act really arrogant about it. But I don't act on my thinking (except to better myself while others wallow...). So, I'm just wondering what your thinking is, and whether it, in any way, leads to your actions?

[HereSince1628]

6. I guess I'm just one of those wallowers

with my head up my ass, because I sure the fuck am not bettering myself.