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"I know you're barely making ends meet here on earth..."

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GOPFighter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jul-23-05 06:28 PM
Original message
"I know you're barely making ends meet here on earth..."
...but as long as you give 10% of your income (What? Of course that's BEFORE taxes) to God (He authorized me to collect it), you are building up treasures in HEAVEN! Just stop a minute and think about it, friends, think of the treasures. Have you ever dreamed of winning the lottery? That's peanuts compared to what God has waiting for you. Give that money you would waste on lottery tickets to Jesus because every believer is a winner in heaven!

"But Pastor," you say, "My son has shingles and needs expensive medical treatment. My mortgage is six months overdue, and my wife hasn't had a new dress for three years." My friend, you need to think about the story of Job! God knows you're poor, he knows your life here on earth is miserable, but your time here on earth is but a clock tick compared to eternity. Think of it, Eternity! Think of it, Heaven, where the streets are paved with gold. You're building up TREASURES!!!

Just hang on a bit longer folks, and all the pain, all your worries, all your heartaches: it. will. soon. be. over!

Yes, brother. Yes, sister, just keep your eyes on JEE-SUS, think of the day when you finally meet him after all your pain and agony. He will take you by the hand and wash your troubles away FOREVER my friends.

Just hang on a little bit longer, while I pass the collection plate among you. Remember, my friends, the more you give, the more God will give back in heaven!

Oh, Thank you Jesus!


_____________________________________

Damn, this is easy (and my parents said I never paid attention in church)! That's my sermon for tomorrow, folks. Check me out on WSUX tomorrow morning at 10. I've finally found the suckers Barnum told us about... :smoke:


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beam me up scottie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jul-23-05 06:33 PM
Response to Original message
1. I know where you can find a whole bunch of Barnum's children
right here on DU.

They seem to be congregating in the Science forum today, edgumucating the ignorant scientists and science-worshipers.
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GOPFighter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jul-23-05 06:46 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. Let's GO!
Whoops, I forgot my collection plate-

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beam me up scottie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Jul-23-05 09:40 PM
Response to Reply #2
3. Poser !
A true shepherd NEVER forgets his collection plate !!!
:spank:
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NMMNG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-05 03:21 AM
Response to Original message
4. Bono told me the God he believes in isn't short of cash
What say ye Pastor?
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GOPFighter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-05 11:03 AM
Response to Reply #4
5. Obviously any god that can pave his roads with gold...
...isn't short of cash. It's the pastors who tend his flocks that need the cash (for the missions overseas).

Thy post reaks of cynicism, sister. Maybe ye need to think a bit about the TREASURES ye might not get in heaven, eh?
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NMMNG Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-05 11:37 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. Heaven, shmeaven
I wouldn't want to go there anyway. I don't think I'd enjoy the company :evilgrin:
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GOPFighter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-25-05 08:33 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. Speaking of not enjoying the company in the herafter...
a friend joked he's finally going to become born-again 'cause he can't stand the thought of spending eternity in hell with Bush and Rove! :rofl:
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BiggJawn Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-05 10:05 PM
Response to Original message
6. "Why, she gave a hunnert dollahs, and the NEXT week, she got a check ..."
"...fer $900!!!!!"

Of course she did. She gets paid once a month, and it just happened to be pay-day...
Those "Blab and Grab" slick-assed Teeee-Veeee preachers never tell you THAT part, do they?
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trotsky Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-25-05 02:19 PM
Response to Original message
9. And just think: TAX-FREE
Ah, the wonders of religion.
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