ooh, You are so big

[phantom power]

HUMPHREY WILLIAMS:
...And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.

CHAPLAIN:
Let us praise God. O Lord,...

CONGREGATION:
O Lord,...

CHAPLAIN:
...ooh, You are so big,...

CONGREGATION:
...ooh, You are so big,...

CHAPLAIN:
...so absolutely huge.

CONGREGATION:
...so absolutely huge.

CHAPLAIN:
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

CONGREGATION:
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.

CHAPLAIN:
Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and...

CONGREGATION:
And barefaced flattery.

CHAPLAIN:
But You are so strong and, well, just so super.

CONGREGATION:
Fantastic.

HUMPHREY:
Amen.

CONGREGATION:
Amen.

HUMPHREY:
Now, two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now, some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So, from now on, the cormorant is strictly out of bounds! Oh, and Jenkins, apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain.


CHAPLAIN and CONGREGATION:
O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

[dwckabal]

1. Ahh, the Meaning of Life...

My favorite from The Holy Grail:

ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!

BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

MAYNARD: Amen.

KNIGHTS: Amen.

[fshrink]

2. Aaah the Life of Brian...

Brian: "But you must think by yourself!"
The faithful crowd "We must think by ourselves!"
Brian: "You don't need no master!"
The faithful crowd: "We don't need no master".

[Gelliebeans]

3. I just had a few friends over

for a python marathon---they were the best!

[progressoid]

4. It's a Sing-a-long

DAD:
The mill's closed! There's no more work. We're destitute.
Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

CHILDREN:
whining

DAD:
No, no. That's the way it is, my loves.
Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

BOY:
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

DAD:
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy.

MUM:
Ehhh, he's right.

DAD:
You see, we believe--
(piano music)
Well, let me put it like this.

(singing)
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God gets quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!


CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.

FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

[phantom power]

5. LOL!

Monty Python has skewered organized religeon so completely, in so many ways, that I'm surprised there's never been any attempt to ban them. If the fundamentalists can get themselves frothed up about Harry Potter, the Life of Brian ought to make their heads spin around and puke pea soup.

[trotsky]

6. When Life of Brian came out...

there was a considerable religious uproar. There's some video of a talk show in the UK at the time where a couple members of the troope had a discussion with a priest. Quite illuminating.

[onager]

7. Here's another fave...

...that I've quoted from before, BlackAdder Xmas Carol. This was over 20 years ago, but Rowan Atkinson and crew REALLY skewered the believers.

And yes, I watch this one every Xmas Eve!

Edmund:...So, shall I begin the Christmas story?

Prince: Absolutely! As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum-coves on top of a hill in jolly Arabland.

Edmund: You mean...JESUS...?

Prince: Yes, that's the fellow! Just leave him out of it -- he always spoils the X-mas atmos.

You can read the whole script here:

http://www.blackadderhall.com/specials/xmas_carol.shtml