What single black women can learn from Michelle Obama

[HopeOverFear]

By: Jenée Desmond-Harris
Posted: June 8, 2009 at 7:24 AM

What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle
Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?
jenee.desmondharris

Sure, we all say now that Barack was a great catch. But would most Type A, professional women have dated him when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?
<p>Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name?</p>
06/08/2009 07:24

America has fallen for the Obamas. The history, the high glamour, the PDAs on the White House lawn. It’s a universal picture of love. But for many successful black women, with college degrees, ambitious careers and five-year plans, that enchantment has become something of an obsession.

Those of us hoping to find suitable mates in a dating landscape that is, statistically speaking, pretty grave, are absolutely giddy about the very existence of the first family and especially about the possibility that we could find our own Barack.

We’d give up three hair appointments in a row, our designer puppies and that annual tropical vacation with our best grad-school friends to meet a man like him. Brilliant. Confident. Best smile ever. So into his wife. On the cover of April’s issue of Washingtonian magazine, he appears shirtless to illustrate the publication’s No. 2 reason to love D.C. (“Our new neighbor is hot!”) But if we’d first encountered him the way Michelle did, as a regular guy, under the glow of office lights instead of the spotlight, would he have made our lists at all?

In footage that plays when the networks mention how our cool, young, black president shot hoops <1> with his staff and friends on Election Day, Obama is close to gawky in a simple gray T-shirt tucked in just a bit too tightly. Between plays, you notice tapered pants pulled up a little too high. A slightly skinny build. In those few frames, he’s not the hottest guy on the court, let alone in the country. When he appeared as a presidential candidate on The Ellen DeGeneres Show <2>, my initial swoon as he stepped on stage was short-lived. He playfully hip-bumped the host in an overly bouncy dance routine that embarrassed me into looking away. Suddenly, I was watching my boss get down at the company Christmas party or a friend’s dad grooving to Earth, Wind and Fire at her wedding. Not bad. Endearing, even. But “swagga” did not spring to mind. Sure, Obama is a dad and a boss to many . . . but I get the impression he’s been dancing like that his whole life.

I’ve played matchmaker, unsuccessfully, for scores of black professional women. And I’m convinced that Michelle’s got something on many of us. Not her intelligence or her confidence or sense of style, her glowing skin or the carved silhouette of her arms. I could fill a room with friends who have all these qualities to spare. I’m talking about the choices I imagine she made in those crucial moments between meeting Barack and deciding who he would be to her. She must have focused on an abundance of goodness instead of his hint of goofiness and fixated on a warm smile instead of a pair of oversized ears. It’s easy to see now that he was a great catch, but how many of us would have been open to this guy who strayed so far from the black Prince Charming ideal, starting with his very name?

[Number23]

1. Let's be real here. Sistas are the pickiest people in the WORLD

I truly cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I've had conversations with my gorgeous, brilliant and educated sista-friends when I was still single and they started rattling off their laundry lists of what made a man eligible:

1) He needed to be college educated
2) No criminal record
3) Ambitious aka on the corporate track
4) Physically perfect
5) Of course he needed to be black or at the very least non-white (although most of my friends were happy to take an Italian for some reason)

And they could meet men with damn near all of those qualifications but if he was too skinny or his teeth weren't white enough or SOMETHING they'd toss the whole package away. Conversely, if they met a man who did possess each of these qualifications, he could be the most low-down dirty SOB in the world and they'd put up with his sh*t FOR EVER just to say that he was theirs. And so many of these loving, brilliant women who would make the best mothers and/or wives in the damn world were alone because of these decisions.

I think it boils down to insecurity sometimes. I think that middle class black women have had it beaten into our heads so many times that we are the only hope of Black America that we put everything we do on these impossible pedestals that even we can't reach half of the time. We have to be the best at EVERYTHING so of course that means our men do too. But no one is able to be the best at everything all of the time.

My husband is the first non-black person I have ever dated. I've been engaged before TWICE but never even thought about seriously jumping the broom until I met Mr. 23. I had to let go of all that baggage that goes with being a black female in America and just let myself love this man and yes, I have lost friends as a result of my relationship with my husband. But no one I would even consider losing my husband over.

[HopeOverFear]

2. Yes we are

and most of us don't like to admit it, because we're full of pride. I've seen black women talk about how they would've snatched up Obama in a minute, when they know damn well they're lying. The name "Barack Obama" would've the first and ONLY disqualifier, let alone his career choice of being a community organizer.

they woulda been like "ewww girl hell naw, he got one of them funny sounding african names, f*** that"... :rofl:

Ya'll know I'm right.

[bliss_eternal]

11. lol.

:rofl:

you guys are crazy.

[Raineyb]

3. I'll admit to being picky but I don't think it's too much to want a man that doesn't have

baby mama drama, no criminal record, is straight and not so friggin' lazy that I'd end up trying to support both of us. I've given up the "he has to be black" thing a long time ago. I'm too much of a math geek not to realize that it would seriously limit my prospects. I think it's the geek part of my description that causes trouble for me.

Of course I probably should disguise the geek by dressing up more in the first place. (My sister keeps threatening to call What Not To Wear on me.) :shrug:

[bliss_eternal]

10. oooooh....

...love geeks! :loveya: for me it was music (classic, rock, classic rock--circa 60's-70's, golden age of hip hop--80's, nu-wave, punk, r&b, funk, etc.) video games, animation and film geeks (to name a few types i love).

(silly g-rated video games,btw. none of those violent, serial killer in training games). :puke:

i also don't think black women are "too picky."
i see nothing wrong w/having standards and distinct boundaries.

[ecstatic]

6. Guilty as charged

but I'm trying something new. He is soooo different from what my ideal list guy is, but so far we have a good thing. :)

[Number23]

7. We've all been guilty. All been there.

but I'm trying something new.

Work it out, girl! Do your thing! :fistbump:

[bliss_eternal]

9. lot's of women of color...

...seem interested and open to dating someone "outside of their culture", but are also fearful. for whatever reason, many seem to feel this sense of betraying EVERYONE in their racial group (family, friends, church, etc.)......which i don't understand. :shrug:

i can't tell you how many sisters have pulled me aside (after getting to know me)to ask questions about marrying someone that isn't black.

[Number23]

13. I've noticed the EXACT same thing

There is alot of reticence for black women in even CONSIDERING dating someone who isn't black. And like I said, they wouldn't even consider a white man, unless he was a nice, swarthy, beautiful Italian. :)

But when you're made to feel that the weight of Black America is on your shoulders and that dating "outside of the race" is a betrayal (we won't even touch the numbers of black men with a non-black woman on their arms -- for some reason, they seem to be more immune to this than black women), reticence and fear are the expected outcomes.

We put so much pressure on ourselves. I am happy that alot of my friends are deciding to stop worrying about of all of these "Rules" and just be happy.

[bliss_eternal]

14. such a good point....

Quote:
But when you're made to feel that the weight of Black America is on your shoulders and that dating "outside of the race" is a betrayal (we won't even touch the numbers of black men with a non-black woman on their arms

your comments reminded me of a piece Essence did on this some time back. it echoed the idea that black women are made to feel that our culture is their responsibility. but i also seem to recall that they didn't comment much on "why" black women (or women in general) are made to feel this way. i call bs on that. :grr::mad:

we as humans can only, ultimately change ourselves. we can affect change in our own way, in our corners of the world. but buying into sexist societal pressures that tell us we can't be happy unless we're making everyone (except for ourselves) happy is crap (and way dysfunctional, imo).

[Fire1]

4. I have to admit his name would have thrown me for a loop. lol!

But Michelle met him in law school, if I'm not mistaken. So, despite being a 'community organizer,' if he was in LAW SCHOOL, HELL YEAH!! It would be ON AND POPPIN!!! LOL!

[ecstatic]

5. exactly! He'd get extra points for that!

[Karenina]

8. O GIMME A BREAK ALL Y'ALL! PUHLEEESE!!!

Did none of you see the college pix? Somebody cue up the Ronettes!!! WE ARE TALKING SERIOUS FINEY HERE!!!
Now the thing that scores him maximum points with me is MICHELLE. You KNOW da Schicksas were ALL OVER HIM! :evilgrin:

[bliss_eternal]

12. totally.

Quote:
Now the thing that scores him maximum points with me is MICHELLE.

:thumbsup: yep.