I have no idea how to help my daughter. Please help me with this!

[davsand]

My kid is 11 (will be 12 in a couple months) and she is having social issues and I have NO idea how to help her. I feel powerless and just plain frustrated and I have been unable to offer one bit of counsel that is of any help to her.

Simply put, I think she has been "targeted" by a group of girls in her class and she is being bullied in ways that only other middle school age girls can. They leave her out of parties, they say mean things to her at school, or they refuse to sit with her at lunch. She comes home and cries about this stuff and it upsets me because I can't "fix" it for her.

Tonight, one girl that she thought was a friend called her up and told her that she can't hang out with her any more because kids are making fun of her for hanging out with my kid. More tears.

I ask her if she ever asks them WHY they are acting this way. She refuses to because that might be "mean" or confrontational. I am forbidden to call parents or the school, and I have been instructed to stand down because this is "just temporary."

Now, I'm gonna tell you a bit about me so you can understand WHY I am so freaked out with all this... I was picked on a lot as a kid. A whole lot. One thing I learned VERY early in life is that sometimes people suck. There are just some people in life that will keep on messing with you WAY past the point of reasonable, and those people will continue to mess with you until you make it painful for THEM to mess with you.

I am still a "blood on the wall" kind of person when it comes to my kid or my family. Probably this is some sort of manifestation of all my Aries Taurus planets, but in any event, I realize that my personal style is not the same as my daughter's (or my husband's, for that matter.) Passive is just alien to me and I do NOT get it. I get frustrated with her for being so d**m passive about all this (which is really not helpful) and I am starting to wonder if she really is in need of some kind of professional help.

Hubby says it is just kids being kids and to let it roll--let her sort it out on her own.

I need help here--WHAT can I do to help my kid? She has some friends that seem to not mess with her--but she is just crushed by all this other stuff. Ideas, anyone?


Laura

[northernlights]

1. your daughter sounds like me at that age

and to this day. Seriously -- I had 40 and 50-something coworkers who refused to sit with me at lunch.

Mean people definitely suck. And I don't know why it is, but there is a chance, based on my own experience, that she will experience this sort of thing off and on for the rest of her life.

I honestly don't know what you can do about it, or what she can do about it. The thing is, you can't change who she is, and turn her into a more confrontation type. I think all you can do is help her to cope in her own way. She's very lucky, by the way, to have parents who listen and care so much.

Maybe if you can just help her stay focussed on her own goals and activities, and ignore the bullies, they might get bored and move on to a more interesting target.

[Habibi]

2. My heart goes out to you both.

I was also targeted when I was about your daughter's age. I dealt with it by creating a solo fantasy world for myself. My parents didn't even know what I was going through. When I remember that time, I'm still kind of amazed that I survived intact.

I don't know if there's anything you can do yourself, other than let her know you're there for her. It might be the right time to see if a counselor can help. Understand that that too might create problems if word gets out, and that your daughter might resist seeing someone for just that reason. Try to keep her talking to you, even if you don't agree with the way she's handling things.

Is there an alternative to the school she's in? Home schooling, perhaps?

[Kind of Blue]

3. Wow, how trying.

Very sorry to hear of this, Davsand.
My family went through the same thing with my youngest sister who is autistic (Asberger). She was in special elementary school. By 12-13, it was obvious that she had advanced enough to enter the mainstream school system, high school at this point. And the misery for my dear lasted for 4 years, talk about being totally ostracized, it was brutal but she held her own and she's now a very, very strong young woman.

Anyway, her best friend now is a woman from high school who wanted to be my sister's friend back then. But because the family was so focused on bullies, it never crossed our minds that some kids actually accepted her and considered her gifted. But my sister had grown such a tough shell that she did (and perhaps we did) stop others from getting close for fear of hurting her. Her friend would have been a godsend back then (and perhaps was) but we just didn't notice.

So I just wonder if there aren't other kids in her school who could care less what those other girls think. Those are the friends to focus on.

Further, we know why my sister was rejected. But how can you help when your child won't say what she thinks the problem is? Why are you Forbidden to protect your child by at least calling the school???? I don't get that and it makes my blood boil. So I better stop here. :hug:

[davsand]

12. She is worried I'll make it worse.

I will defer to her on that. In no way do I want to undermine her ability to talk to me about this, and if she thinks I'm gonna go charging in there to do battle she will clam up and I'll never even hear about any of it.

My kid KNOWS full well that I will go to the mat for her and she has complete faith in my willingness to do it for her. Probably speaks volumes about our history, but she she told me tonight that she didn't even want me talking to the school at all about it either. While I am glad to know my kid trusts me to protect her, it also makes me feel bad that she would worry that I'd do anything to hurt her--ya know?

In part, she does suffer because she is very bright. The other kids recognize it and they have teased her about that. She tested for entrance to a lab school at the local university a couple of months ago, and then opted not to go there. I had mixed feelings about her decision not to go there--but I also figure it should be her call. She did not want to leave her friends behind.

I think that being different in any way makes us all vulnerable but I am just staggered by how this is all hitting her--and to a lesser extent me.

This parenthood stuff is not for the faint of heart.

:hug:


Laura

[Kind of Blue]

17. It surely isn't for the faint of heart.

I didn't mean to be so strident in my earlier post but it just breaks my heart reading how you're caught between a rock and a hard place :cry:
I went through it with my step-daughter, who's now 15, bullying at the end of junior high from a girl she was best friends with. Then it turned into a bunch of girls joining in. It got so bad that she didn't want to go to school. I guess someone wanting to "kick your ass" after school would surely not be very encouraging to attend. And my girl is in advanced courses, outgoing and confident, so I knew it was serious. And it was ridiculous, my husband was actually giving her boxing lessons in case she had to fight :crazy: because she didn't want a big deal made of it at the school.
I called her counselor and told her everything, especially about my fear of her lack of interest in school. Well, my daughter's counselor spoke to the other girl's counselor. The counselor's met with the girls separately, and then asked each to decide whether they wanted a full on meeting. They both backed out of that but it was mercifully the end of the ordeal.
Thankfully, the counselor's had a zero tolerance approach to such situations. And even though it was the common age for these disturbing behaviors to arise, I surely did appreciate that they took advantage of it and held an assembly on the topic to drive it home.

It is truly different approaches for different families and I'm definitely sending lots of Light and requesting this turmoil be alleviated as quickly as possible! :hug:

[MagickMuffin]

4. I'm sorry your daughter is having to experience bad human behavior,

however, this is not something that will go away. I think you should try and explain that bullies with bad human behavior will always exhibit this type of behavior. Maybe let her come to DU with you and show her that bad human behavior exists everywhere. It's not just DU where I have seen this type of behavior either, I went to a Craigslist forum for Mac Users and I noticed the same kind of bad human behavior. You cannot control it, unfortunately.

I certainly don't understand why certain people exhibit this type of behavior, but it exists and you just have to deal with it or ignore it.

I was made fun of mostly by my siblings, they were cruel and hurtful, and I guess that was their goal. I know how hard it can be for young children to not be bothered by such bad human behavior, it wrecks havoc on their self esteem, but you just have to be comforting to them, and let them know it IS NOT their fault but it IS the fault of the bullies and trying to dominate one another.

Give your daughter a :hug: for me. She deseves it.


Namaste

:loveya:



EDIT to inquire: Have you considered finding Meet-up groups for your daughter?.?.? I think this could be a great idea of finding friends your daughter might like to have as her friends. It might help her find friends who she could have outside of school. Just a thought.

[BlueIris]

5. Ouch. If it makes you feel any better, your daughter is better off without those little sociopaths.

Kids being kids my ass. She'll make new friends eventually. If you want to help, maybe you should tell her to feel glad she is away from such dysfunctional children.

[davsand]

7. Yep, sums up my attitude, too.

Assholes abound in life and the only control I have on that is to limit my contact with them. For her, however, this is her school and of the 13 girls in her class (a very small school) I consider MAYBE three or four to be "functional" on any given day. There are a couple that seem to be fairly consistent, but the rest are just nuts sometimes.

I honestly do NOT get it, and I never have. I STILL refuse to deal regularly with it, and I wonder if my attitude has led to her refusal to be confrontational.

I hope to hell I'm not her biggest problem.


Laura

[I Have A Dream]

6. This is really tough.

I completely understand your wanting to fix this for her, but if you interfere when she says that she doesn't want you to do anything, I think that you'll only add to her stress. Additionally, I think that she'll stop telling you about her problems.

My heart aches for what she's going through. Things don't necessarily get better when a person graduates from high school, but at least they have more control once it's over. School really can be like a jungle sometimes. :(

I will pray for her situation, Laura. I wish that I could make it better for her.

[southerncrone]

8. This age for kids, girls especially, is the worst.

Thankfully, she does still have friends. She should focus on those that are not choosing the cruel path. Have her invite them over, or do some special activities that include these kids. Make it special with them.

The "kids will be kids" meme is true to some extent, but today things seem to go much beyond that. We have a multitude of extremely mean-spirited, snobby, bitches coming up. There is definitely a very strong caste system in place in the teen population. It's worse than I have ever seen in my 50+ years. I know this sounds harsh, but it is true. Many have been raised on MTV, snarky other "kid" shows & movies, including cartoons that have helped to foster this attitude. Plus they are spoiled beyond belief. They have been given EVERYTHING they ever even mentioned & have developed an attitude that it is their "divine right" to get whatever they want on ALL fronts. Parents who will defend even the most atrocious behavior, instead of letting the kids deal with the consequences of their actions. I doubt this particular group of mean kids will get better. This is usually the age that "the popular kids" begin to segregate and divvy up the rest of the kids. They "deem" who is acceptable & who isn't, usually based on nothing of substance. This may be what your daughter is experiencing.

She will one day look back on this & be grateful that she ISN'T involved with this mean bunch.

You didn't mention her sign, but it would be natural for your Aries/Taurus personality to charge in & assertively demand an answer, but let her handle this on her own if she can. If it lasts more than a month in hyper-drive, I'd contact some of her teachers & see if you can get the low down on the situation. She does not need to know you did this, unless you believe it would help the situation for her to know.

I suspect all will be better in a couple of weeks. She will either be accepted back into the fold, or move on with her other friends.

It's the toughest part of parenting....seeing our kids grow through social pain.

Hang in there!

[davsand]

10. This started to manifest last year, but this year has been terrible for her.

Daughter Dear is a Gemini Sun and Venus with a Pisces Moon. Her Mars sits in Virgo, and she is just about as much an opposite of me as it gets because my Sun is in Taurus, my Moon and my Venus both are in Aries and my Mars is sitting out there is Pisces.

You mention that you see a higher level of meanness in young girls nowadays, but I have to tell you, I think it is maybe a part of the female culture no matter what age you look at. The whole social stratification thing does seem to be kicking in, so maybe that is a part of it--I dunno.

Hubby is steadfast that he thinks this is only gonna sort out at a kid level--that no amount of adult fretting is gonna matter. I think he's probably correct about that, but I also think that a school today is a LOT like a prison--complete with the pack mentality and the sociopathic behaviors.

I do not expect my kid to shank anybody in the lunchline (that was a grim attempt at humor) but I DO think that she may be in a place where there will not be true friendships, but rather alliances that protect your back from assault. If that is the case a little bit of fear (or respect) on the part of the mean kids might just be enough to make them target somebody else.

That is, however, just not who she is, and it is not part of her comfort zone.

I just feel so helpless right now. I want to help her, and all I can do is tell her I love her. I'm seriously wondering about pulling her out of that school and putting her in a different one--except then she will be taken away from the friends she does have.


Laura

[southerncrone]

16. You are correct about the "female" thing. I do agree with that.

Hubby has NO IDEA about that deal, so it's always easy for them to be the arm-chair quarterbacks on stuff like this. Men always want to "fix" things, & this is one of those areas that they absolutely do not understand, and never will. Heck, I don't understand it myself! I just know it exists.

I teach & you are so on target with the prison-mentality analysis. Some of our schools have serious problems with it & it's showing up at younger & younger ages. (A result of so many kids being abandoned by their parents for all practical purposes.) Does the school or area have a gang culture?
Do you know any statistics about negative behavior at the school? Is it common place? What type of problems are most common?

If you fear for her (or she fears for herself), I would definitely get her out of there. She is still young enough that she will not be as negatively effected by a change now than when she is say, 14 or 15.
She could try to stay in contact with her current friend on weekends, at least for a while. Kids this age change friends like underwear a lot of times, so it would be natural for the old friends to fade away as she settles in to a new school & makes new friends that she sees every day. Being a Gemini, I'm sure she makes friends easily.

I think I would be inclined to call the school & speak to an Asst Principal or a couple of her teachers. Voice your concerns. Teachers are always willing to assist a concerned parent, at least from my experience. She may not be telling you something, because she doesn't want you to worry. But it may be something you NEED to know to make an informed decision about her safety. She may actually fear you will take her out & put her in another school, & she doesn't really want that. Again, she does not need to know you made this contact. Contact over the phone absolves her from being mortified that her parent showed up at school, which might draw more fire from the meanies, yet you can still discuss the situation with adults who are privy to the landscape in the school & what is happening.

I sympathize with you, davsand. This is difficult for both parents & kids.
I wish you & daughter well.:hug:

[Kind of Blue]

18. I agree that it may be something

Davsand may need to know to make an informed decision. The something that came out of the counselors' intervention in my step-daughter's case was that her lack of interest in school was not even a fear of getting her butt kicked after school.
Her counselor explained to us that the actual loss of the friendship with the future bully was a trigger, that brought up all kinds of issues of loss and dealing with her mother's death a few years before. The loss of friendship was another round of grieving for all things lost.

In my estimation, you are correct about the phone call. The counselor actually said that they were not going to drag both sets of parents into it, but explained to the girls that they heard what was going on through the grapevine and had to step in.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

9. Same thing happened to me about the same age

I'd moved to a new school environment and the kids there didn't like me because of where I lived and the fact my mom was a single parent and poor. I look back now and realize that the horrible loneliness I felt helped me become the empathetic person I am today. Best thing I can think of for you to do is to tell your daughter you love her, that she is a worthwhile human being--and find another, non-school outlet where she can make friends.

Meanwhile, in your meditations, shine light around her.

[Why Syzygy]

11. I feel for her.

I'm glad you've resisted getting involved. Yet. I suffered a lot in middle school when a small bunch of bullies turned others who had been friends into attackers also. My mother made it worse.

It is very confusing. She needs to understand it isn't HER, it's THEM. I was fortunate in that our family moved to another city and larger school district, where I had tons of friends. We were back in the small town to visit relatives, and my dad and I ran into the main bully and his dad (they also attended our church there). The kid and I were alone on the street, and I just asked him why they did that to me. He looked down and shuffled his feet, and said, "I dunno". It so happened that some friends from the small town had moved to the same larger city. Their son had been the principal's son at our school. My dad, the minister of the First **** Church. When we compared notes, we had both suffered from the bullies, though both of us were unaware of it at the time.

Since then, I've gathered more experience, and feel that in my case, not only did they see me as "different" because of my dad's occupation, but there's something about me that exudes *confidence*, where none may exist. Or possibly only exists due to having to endure bullies! I never let on how painful it was. I held my head high and went about my school work, crying inside. I'm glad she is crying and talking to you. I couldn't do that at home.

Much later as a young adult in a work setting, a co-worker/friend confided to me her worst fear was having everyone turn against her. That's probably a pretty universal fear, and maybe insight into why bullies run in gangs. Their bravado dissipates when they are all alone. This friend and I happened to have a spat at work, and she wouldn't talk to me. So, I just went up to her one night and quietly told her that I shared her fear of being shut out, and that's what she was doing to me. We made up right away.

I honestly believe envy plays large in the bully's motivation. Something she is or has threatens their fragile self image. That sounds so cliche'. The only recent examples I have of personal bullies are the one at the flower shop. Yes, she was threatened by me, evidenced by her blurting out that not everyone was "perfect" like me. As if I fancy myself unflawed. Not likely. And the more contemporary examples that DU rules prohibit me from mentioning further.

What does she want you to do? She told you what not to do. Does she have anything to suggest?

[davsand]

13. Thank you, ALL. Seems like most of us have dealt dealt with bullies in our lives.

I am struck by the realization that this is universal. I think on some level I always kind of knew it, but I am just rocked by the amount of pain that so many of us are still carrying around in our memories.

On some level, I have to wonder how much of this bullying stuff is driven by envy and how much of it is driven by a discomfort of anything that is even slightly different. I wonder if some of us were singled out because of the same abilities and inner knowledge that bring us to this forum. I dunno--I have to wonder about it.

Hubby makes the point that I view this with 49 year old eyes and I will NEVER be able to get my head around what these middle school girls are thinking and feeling. I think he's right about that, but I also think that he's forgetting just how bad it all hurts at the time.

Thank you all for opening your hearts up to me tonight. When I put my daughter to bed (yes, we still observe the ritual and we'll do it for as LONG as she will allow it) she told me that she thinks it will get better. I asked her what I CAN do to help her and she said there is nothing I can do--that she has to work it through herself.

You gotta know I have a fantasy about laying down a hex that will result in a HUGE outbreak of warts--but that would be SO wrong.

:evilgrin:

This is just killing me to watch. I am not sure where I'll find the strength to let it unfold on its own, but I am determined.


Laura

[OneGrassRoot]

14. Oh geez, that tears me up just hearing about it....

I haven't read everyone's responses, and they're no doubt filled with empathy and compassion, and stories of their own struggles with such behavior.

I'm like you: When someone I love is being hurt or attacked in any way, I honestly kind of lose my mind and the Mother Lion comes out. It's pure instinct. When it's my child -- I get REALLY protective. Probably all mothers do. ;)

I give you credit for controlling your instinct to march down to the school and get in those other girls' faces and ask them what their problem is.

I also give your daughter a lot of credit for standing strong and accepting that it's her path to walk...she'll find her way.

I don't know why kids are so darn mean at that age either. It's heartbreaking and it really seems it's gotten so much worse over the years. Much more sinister.

Men, in general, do seem to be able to pass it off as "kids will be kids." I can't do that. I'll never accept mean behavior as okay or normal. Ughhhhh..............

My daughter, who just turned 16, certainly went through similar things as well. We've always had open communication and talked through things...sometimes talked things to death...lol...but because of several things that happened in our lives together that involve loss -- and probably because of a similar trait we all share here -- we've always worked through issues and circumstances to get down to the core truth of the matters at hand.

Basically, the kid has always known "who she is." Sure, there are bumps in the road and she will continue to discover and change -- and doubt -- but she has a strong sense of self.

Your daughter knows who she is, and she knows their petty hatefulness can't touch her essence, her truth. Not one bit. She is just trying to figure out how to gracefully move through this, and I send abundant hugs her way in support.


:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

And to you, Mom...as I know this is so very hard...:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[OneGrassRoot]

20. I was also thinking how different things seem....

I'm in my mid-40s, so obviously times change. ;)

When I was in junior high school, I remember kids picking on one another but not the pure MEANNESS, almost viciousness we see now. There was always a bully or two but not the pack mentality in the case of your daughter.

High school, however, was where the more vicious and pack mentality would occur. I was blessed to never experience it...I never hung out with a group of any sort (I actually consciously stayed away from doing so) and got along with everyone, and would defend others every opportunity I had. But what your daughter and others are experiencing now in middle school is what used to occur in high school.

Then, in college, there was a more "to each his own" attitude and was freeing for so many.

High school seems to be like that now. It has much more of a college vibe with kids having a "to each his own" attitude which is awesome. Sure there are cliques still, just as there are in colleges with sororities and fraternities, but not nearly as much as when I went to school.

That's what I've been observing at least.

More hugs for you both this morning!!! :grouphug:

[Why Syzygy]

15. Here's one for Mom.

:grouphug:

The best thing you've done for her is stand behind her. I do think girls are worse than boys in these things.

The worst thing I ever feared for my son was when he got his Air Force wings. I had seen a documentary where they got real drunk and poked the pins straight into the naked chests and hazed all night. It was awful. All I know of the actual event was they drank champagne from their boots :shrug: I did check, and he doesn't have any scars on his chest. I hope the documentary was a terrible isolated event.

Sleep tight. It really does help her knowing you're on her side.

[LiberalEsto]

23. Envy has a LOT to do with it

In my daughter's case, both of her main tormentors were Pakistani girls who were badly abused in their own homes. (One tormented her mostly in 5th and 6th grades, the other in 7th and 8th)

The first tormentor's father had walked out on the family, and the mother sank into a depression, unable to get out of bed except to beat her daughter with metal curtain rods. This girl lived several doors down from us, and organized most of the neighborhood kids to make my daughter's life so miserable that she didn't even dare walk down our own driveway. The girl was terribly envious of my daughter's stable, loving two-parent family. Before the trouble began, we had tried to include her in things, have her over for meals, etc., but then she just turned on my daughter and made her life hell. It only stopped when she and her mother moved to another school district.

The second tormentor, I learned, was so badly treated at home that her family made her sleep outside as a punishment, besides beating her. She too was jealous of my daughter's life.

In both instances I contacted child protective services to get help for the girls, but I don't know that anything was done about the abuse.

And my daughter was a shy, sensitive, bright kid. She was raised not to fight or be mean, so she made an easy target. Just like me.

[Kookaburra]

29. Someone else mentioned this, but it seems to me the best to

Forget those girls in her class. Get her involved in extra-curricular activities outside school where she can meet other kids her age.

I had a similar childhood. I was considered weird, because I "knew things" and I "saw things" (and it was a long time before I figured out you don't say everything to everyone) and I was an extremely gentle, sensitive kid. Those girls treated me abysmally, and I would just roll over and take it until one day it hit me that there were many more people around and I didn't have to put up with their abuse. My mother was from the school of "let her handle it" which I don't think was correct, but can't change that now, and maybe it was correct on some level. I did handle it and I did make very good friends with whom I'm still friends to this day.

My love to you and your daughter. You both sound like special people that I'd love to know.

[stellanoir]

19. Oh dear

give her a big fat cyber smooch from all of us.

I have only a son. I've noticed that girls can be unbelivably competitive in jr. high.

The guys are more far more laid back.

I'm astonished how funny they've been and so-o-o mutually supportive.

They wow me.

In terms of your dear daughter's situation, I'm reminded of my own youth. I was conversely incredibly popular and I found it to be thoroughly vacuous. I was class president and validictorian. I found it to be so-o-o-o hollow I've scarcely achieved anything really tangible anything since.

However, I've noticed that those who fail in junior high often really excel in later life.

Perhaps have her develop an inner life at this juncture.

Maybe encourage her to be outrageously creative. Even if it's just throwning glitter on stuff. I used to sew all of the time.

And be mindful of what my elder brother once said, "The kings of teenage society often come in cans."

Love her, love her, love her.

That is what woked for my son. Encourage great humor.

I breathe her to be well and for her to ignore all the extraneous and temporious BS.

great blessings upon her.

This too will pass.

[Celebration]

21. I'm so sorry

I guess all of us have had our bouts with feeling rejected at various points in our lives, but this just seems awful. I also don't think that you can directly insert yourself into the situation. You will have to get permission from your daughter before you talk to school administrators, which I definitely think is an option, although you two could judge that. I am wondering if she can reconsider that special school!

It is generally the intelligent, sensitive kids that are targeted. At this point, my main concern would be that this does not cause her so much stress that it is harmful for her. I could suggest that she practice techniques to shield herself from the negative energy coming from these kids. It is so important that she realizes not only on a surface level, but also emotionally, and spiritually, that the problem is with THEM and not HER. I would suggest things like meditation, yoga, and EFT. Emotions related to circumstances like this can actually block acupuncture meridians and cause poor health. EFT would address that. Sometimes I almost think that the reason people encounter such difficulties is that they learn how to harness their inner resources. Often situations like this leave longtime blockages and scars, but that can be avoided with things like EFT.

Are there any books about bullying, or being bullied? I would look into various techniques/tricks to use. ANYTHING that will help your daughter feel empowered, even if it is just in her reaction to this and how she handles it, would really help. Developing interests outside the school might also help.

Good luck, Laura, to both of you. Keep us posted.

[Celebration]

25. just adding other thoughts here

Do you all remember the days when, in order to get some guy to be interested in you, you had to act NOT interested? It was such a stupid little game, playing hard to get. This particularly applied to some of the immature guys. I still remember a guy I dated a bit in college. He was interested in me, until I showed interest in him. Then, zero interest on his part. I figured this out right off the bat, so, I just absolutely ignored him. BAM! His interest came back. I thought it was so preposterous that I could manipulate him like this, and it completely ameliorated the slight pain I had felt when he had emotionally dumped me. Anyway, at that point I didn't really care how he felt about me--I just knew he was immature.

Of course this is a bit harder to do with a big group, but once a person (your daughter) has truly accepted that this particular group of people is not worth her time of day, she can make a little game of trying to figure out something that works--not because she cares if it works or not (because she has truly lost respect for them), but as some sort of little one person research project.

One thing that I might try is actually projecting green light and love into their hearts. The leaders definitely sound like they have fourth chakra issues. It would be interesting to see if their behaviour could be manipulated by techniques like that. The point would not be to have them like your daughter, but just to see what would happen experimentally.

She has to truly not be invested in what these girls do or say. When that happens, the torment will most likely stop.

[LiberalEsto]

22. Deja vu

I'm SO sorry this is happening to your daughter. I DO understand your concerns.

I was picked on a lot too as a kid, so I was horrified when my older daughter started getting picked on in 5th and 6th grade. Those seem to be the years when girls turn into either bitches or victims.

The situation pushed all my buttons, and my anger led me to confront some of the brat girls in our neighborhood. This only made things worse for my daughter. She's now 25, and she is still bitter about the way some people treated her in middle school, just like I was. She refused to associate with almost all of her high school classmates. Even today she is friendly with only one high school classmate, another young woman who "marches to a different drummer." She has plenty of other friends from college and places she's worked.

I'm still not sure how to deal with this type of situation. Several years later I worked for a program called CAP -- Center for Assault Prevention -- which stages workshops in schools to teach kids how to deal with bullying and physical and sexual abuse. Their approach to bullying is for the victim to tell the bully calmly, "Stop. I don't like what you're doing." And if it continues, to tell the bully, "If you keep doing this, I'm going to tell (a trusted adult)." I'm not at all sure this would work with middle school girls, who can be more vicious than rabid animals.

My best guess is to teach your daughter not to ever display the slightest amount of hurt, upset or vulnerability to those who try to victimize her. These kids look for weak points in other kids, and prey on them. I think the appropriate reaction is a long, level stare back, displaying no emotion. Refuse to engage.

OR, if she can manage it, laugh at them (but not in a mean way). This may be very hard to do, but it can turn the situation around 180 degrees and put the bullies on the spot.

[OneGrassRoot]

24. True words here....

"...middle school girls, who can be more vicious than rabid animals."

It's horrifying. I'm like you, my reaction (not only with my own child but when ANYONE's child is being bullied) is to go slap the twits. It's all escalated with YouTube and cell cameras, and it's like they're PROUD of the pain they're inflicting nowadays.

If I ever come upon kids doing physical harm to another, I'll be in jail. I don't care if they're under 18. They know better.

Ughhhh.....this gets me so upset. I'd better shut up about this and get to work.

Try to have a good day, LiberalEsto and Everyone!


:hi:

[northernlights]

26. they *are* proud of the pain they inflict

and they scare me. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open in case things escalate until they get dangerous.

A few years ago, two young teenage girls set a filly's tail on fire. The owner was away for a couple days and her father-in-law was checking in on and caring for the horses. He wasn't a horse person and didn't get close enough to see the damage.

That poor filly's tail went untreated for 3 days until the owner came home. She ultimately had to have her entire tailbone amputated. Not only is she permanently disfigured, she will be defenseless from flies and mosquitos for the rest of her life...

[Proud_Lefty]

27. Can she change schools?

I had a very similar problem with my son. It was so painful. He's been doing independent study at home as a result. He has now a very small group of friends now that he sees on the weekends, but he still prefers spending time with his family. He's well adjusted and happy with things now.

My heart goes out to your daughter. I always wished more people would teach their children how important it is not to bully others. Too many kids think of it as a sport, as fun but what it does to the recipient can have long lasting effects unless enough love and support can be given to that person on the other end. Give her many hugs and shower her with affection. And I hope your area has options for other types of charter schools.

Much light and love to you too, Laura.

My best to you, Marit

[davsand]

30. Right now home schooling is not gonna be an option.

In years past it might have been possible, but right now there is just no way we can make it happen either financially or timewise.

Hubby just went back to college while still working his full time job, and the local taxpayers continue to demand a high level of attention and accountability from me when I am at work. (In truth it has been pretty grim there of late given the real estate market's decline. I am not expecting that to turn around any time soon, either.)

Daughter Dear has been raised in a world that is maybe kinda different than most of these kids she goes to school with. Her summer vacation the last few years has been spent doing volunteer work with a local Health Care Consumer group--by her own choice. She had a great time working with them on the Emergency Contraception project and she was overjoyed when EC was made available. (One of her more conservative guy pals ribs her sometimes when calls them a bunch of ACTIVISTS like that is a bad thing or something. She just laughs at him...)

She knows and interacts with people that are not part of the small town landscape because my husband and I both work and socialize with folks from a fairly diverse background. My kid may live in a farm town but her ability to interact with adults is not typical for her surroundings. By way of example, she is set up to play percussion (hand drums) with a Caribbean band this summer. The singer is a Dean for minority students at the University and he has known her since she was a toddler. He says she rocks on the congas and I agree.

It isn't that we are hot stuff or anything, but our family is not quite the same as some of these locally whose kids that think watching a tractor pull is a reason to miss school. There ARE some differences here and she realizes it. The University school I mentioned upthread would be an excellent option for her simply because it probably will be a bit better fit for her world view. She knows that too, but is reluctant to change.

Barring concerns about her physical safety (which I am not worried about) I will not pull her out of her current school unless she says it is what she wants. The basic quality of her education is acceptable (the main reason we moved out here) even if the social stuff is a mess. This morning she was resolute abut going to school and I can do nothing less than support her in that.

She really IS a very strong kid, and she is way more gifted than she realizes.


Laura

[Proud_Lefty]

31. I hope she'll see this as an opportunity to grow

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to soften this blow. Just keep the love flowing to her in abundance as you have. And keep the prayers going for lots of strength and love to embrace her as she goes through this very difficult time. :hug:

[MorningGlow]

28. Ohhh Laura white light and hugs to you and your lovely daughter

Your post broke my heart, really it did. I went through the same thing in school. After some fairly happy elementary school years, it all went to hell in middle school. I was the victim of some major bullying, from boys as well as girls, because I was "different".

It could be envy, but I'll bet you anything it's more the fact that your daughter is highly intelligent and therefore completely incapable of descending to these girls' subintellectual level. Ever try behaving like a vacuous idiot when it's not in your nature? Ain't gonna happen. And when these girls observe someone who's more sensitive and smarter than they are, all the alarm bells go off in their heads: "Oh no--someone Not Like Us. Might make us look bad. EXTERMINATE!"

I shed many tears in middle school (and to a lesser extent in high school) because of the others' pack mentality, and I know just what you and your daughter are going through. My mom tried to help me as best she could, but all the advice everyone in my family (including my mom) could offer was "Ignore them and they'll go away." Guess what? They won't. The more bullies are ignored, the more they attack, trying to get a rise out of their victim.

I'm going to disagree with your lovely daughter for a moment. Yes, you should call the school, and right away. Talk to the principal and/or the counselor. They need to know this is going on. You can request that they don't take action overtly--that they don't call the girls into a meeting or speak to them about this in any way. But the administrators and the teachers need to know this is going on and that they need to take action to stop it. There's a lot of awareness of bullying in schools these days, so they should know that they have to help alleviate a dangerous atmosphere.

Some other suggestions:

- Don't worry about counseling yet--that might make her feel like it's "her fault". My mom suggested it to me and I reacted very negatively; I never did see a psychiatrist/counselor, and I'm grateful for that. (Something else to consider--depending on how much esoteric knowledge you've shared with her or if she's naturally adept at metaphysics, a counselor might zero in on this as delusional and narcissistic behavior and try to squash it, and you wouldn't want that.)

- Make sure your daughter fosters a group of true friends, however small it might be. Help out by hosting sleepovers and trips to a pizza place, etc.

- Have your daughter focus on extracurricular interests. For me it was Camp Fire Girls, the school chorus and, later, plays. But whatever her interests, make sure she takes part. It will give her a sense of accomplishment, self-confidence, and self-worth, and it will be easier to shut out the Negative Nellies.

- Don't rule out changing schools. I understand your daughter's hesitancy to leave her friends behind, but depending on how all this shakes out, she might change her mind. I know I did. When I was in seventh grade two middle schools in my district merged, and it was a living hell--overcrowded classrooms, disgruntled teachers, fights ALL the time between the kids from the two schools (the girls were worse than the boys). Near the end of seventh grade my mother looked me in the eye and said, "That's it. I'm enrolling you in St. C****'s (the local Catholic school)." She thought I would fight her decision. Instead, I THANKED her. Even if I had to wear an ugly plaid uniform. ;) There were still cliques there, but bullying wasn't tolerated, and I finished my middle school stint in peace (and got a better education there as well). Would your daughter have another chance at that special university school you mentioned?

- Finally, depending on how much she knows already, teach her techniques to shield herself and make sure she raises her shield before school every day, without fail. It should be part of her morning routine, like brushing her teeth and eating breakfast. Also, and this might be tough (for you as well as her), send loving and healing light to the girls whenever possible. It might soften them up.

Good luck, Laura. Keep us posted on how it goes, okay? Hugs to your daughter. :hug:

[Cleita]

32. That's a tough one. I don't know what to say.

Maybe you should consider changing schools.

[wovenpaint]

33. Ahhh yes, that age group

I can both empathize and sympathize with you and your daughter. Since there's lots of good advice here-I'll just add my 2 cents as a former picked on child-and a parent...
This age can be notoriously difficult overall-coming out of childhood to face adolescence-yikes, scary.
The clues you give about her are that she's a Gemini (tend to be charismatic) and intelligent. This may be threatening to some of the other girls and they're trying to "nip things in the bud", so to speak. It's great that she talks to you.
For now, respect her wishes about staying back, and keep the trust and communication open. Plan fun things for her to do. Does she have a hobby or a creative outlet to pursue? Encourage her to follow her path with heart. Include her "true" friends where possible. Keep reminding her that this too shall pass, and she is loved. This is a tough age and it will get better as they mature. If she can show that she can "be like a duck" and let the water roll off, she projects strength. She sounds strong-that should carry her through-with your support.
I know that as a parent, this is TOUGH to watch. I, too, have done alot of tongue biting and fist clenching...by talking on a regular basis, you can monitor things in case they escalate to a point that you'd have to override her wishes. I wish you all the best and will send you healing vibes for peace.

oh yeah, and a :grouphug:

[KoKo]

36. Good points...and I'm with some of the above commenters...if this goes on

through the end of this years...check and see if you can move her to another school. In today's culture one can be marked and never get over it. The Media Culture for girls is really bad out there.

Sometimes a new environment offers a fresh start. And, agree about "other activities" to find her talents and a group she can better relate to.

This doesn't sound like a short time thing. If a kid is calling your kid and saying she can't be friends with her...sounds like it's a "group thing." It's March and she can finish the year and watch her to see if it works out. Otherwise...finding some activities she excells in where she can meet friends after school or through Summer (or if it's a "year round school" on a break) or just taking her out of there might be best.

:hug: to you, Laura. and vibes...

[LWolf]

34. My thoughts

as they come, with no particular purpose or theme:

I work in middle school. 6th - 8th grade. The girls are brutal.

They were brutal when I was 11. I survived, but still carry social scars.

I don't think it will help to talk to parents.

Because I do so on a regular basis, dealing with girl bullying at work.

The bully always denies, downplays, and places blame elsewhere. Often on the victim. The parent almost always supports the bully's story, and often attacks the victim.

I DO think it could help, a little, to talk to the school.

I say a little, because, in the long run, we only control the behaviors that happen under our noses. What happens in the halls, at recess, in the lunchroom, on the bus, in the bathroom...there are no adults close by in many of these places, and when there are, there is usually a very large population of young people to supervise. So "supervision" consists of watching for physical problems, not listening for verbal abuse.

Still, I, and my colleagues, and my administrator, are hyper-aware of the social issues going on with our girls. We control the environment to the best of our ability, we put bullies into special sessions with counselors, we watch them like hawks, we conference with them privately, and we talk frequently to their parents.

We also attempt to teach the victims some self-protective social skills. With limited success. Bullies seek targets that they perceive to be weaker than themselves. Teaching girls how to build tough skins, how to react in ways that don't reward the bully, can help, but often takes more time, for a longer duration, than we've got to give.

So that's my best thinking: contact school, make sure they are aware and doing whatever it is possible for them to do, and start teaching your daughter some new protective social skills, and reinforcing those she already has.

Here are some links that might help you get started:

http://www.jsc.montana.edu/articles/v5n6.pdf

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adult/indexAdult.asp?Area=prothrow

And, on another note, you might consider teaching her how to shield. I've used that myself in some tense and/or awkward social situations. ;)

[Matariki]

35. Tell her to identify the 'alpha female' in the group that's picking on her -

and then pop that girl in the snot-box.

Okay. I am *so* kidding. I was picked on at that age too - so that was just a little fantasy escaping my typing fingers.

I'm sorry for your daughter, I know exactly what that feels like, but don't have any real advice - except to encourage her to develop and follow her own interests and she'll inevitably make friends with similar interests. Real friends. For me it was art and theater - I developed very good, lifelong friends in that crowd of alienated weirdos. For my niece it was band.

[Celebration]

37. Relate to that--as a mom

Okay, let's hear it for the speech and theater people--

No, I wasn't one of them, but my third daughter was, and it was a complete refuge for her. She was even president of speech and drama club. She wasn't bullied, but she wasn't accepted either. But speech and theater? Oh, yes. Somewhat carried over into college too, where she even had a role in "The Vagina Monologues."

I got to show her part on videotape to her extremely fundie cousins.

THAT was funny.

:rofl:

[SheilaT]

38. You absolutely must contact the school about this.

You must make it absolutely clear to all adults at this school that you will not tolerate this. And you must try to find it if there is anything else underlying your daughter's being bullied.

My older son was bullied and ostracized in elementary school. No one would sit with him at lunch by 6th grade. I heard reports of other students getting up and leaving a table if he tried to join them. It got so that he wound up eating lunch with the counselor. In the fall of his sixth grade year a mom with a son a year older told me I needed to not let him attend the middle (7th and 8th) school the next year and proceeded to tell me about the bullying her son was getting, and her son had social skills to deal with other kids that my son did not have. It was so bad that she wound up transferring her son to a different middle school half way through seventh grade.

So I sent my son to a secular private school starting in 7th grade. All of a sudden he had friends. No one thought he was weird because he was smart. He did science bowl and was a strong factor in why his team made it to the national competition in 11th and 12th grades.

His social ostracizing was complicated by the fact that he looked different. He has alopecia areata, an auto-immune disorder that causes hair loss. He's been completely bald since age four. He was always a little odd, a little quirky, a lot science geeky. Half way through his senior year of high school I figured out that he also has Asperger's Syndrome, and that was the true source of his social awkwardness.

He's now 26, has struggled with college and is now completing a CAD (Computer Aided Design) course at his local junior college. He will never be like others, but he's found his niche, and he participates in an astronomy group, works part time as a math tutor, and has what for him is a full and (I think) satisfying life.

My point is that there may be more going on than just the incredible meanness of girls that age. Or maybe it really is just that. Whatever the ultimate source, you are your child's chief -- mainly only -- advocate at this time in her life. You can't magically change those girls, but you can intervene in some realistic way.

One more quick story. One day, walking home from 6th grade (the school was three blocks away) another kid grabbed my son's coat and tossed it into a nearby back yard. We didn't even realize the coat was missing until the homeowner called us -- luckily there was something in a pocket that enabled her to find us. After questioning our son, my husband went over to the home of the kid who'd done this. The parents were horrified that their son would behave this way, and there were no consequences as a result.

There's far too much "boys will be boys" or "girls will be girls" out there. And far too much buying in to the idea that trying to stop bullying only makes it worse. Absolutely engage the adults at her school. If necessary and possible change schools. And home schooling, if your daughter is mature enough, is still possible even with both parents working or going to school as in your situation. All you need is a reasonably mature and self-motivated child, and the ability to check in with her two or three times during the day. Is there any chance you can get a college student to mentor her or do some kind of an internship for which the college student gets credit and you don't have to pay money while working with her?

Good luck to you. Hang in there. There are so many complications in raising kids, and you seem to have one of the really bad ones happening to your daughter.

[davsand]

39. An update, and a thank you to everyone for the support.

Yesterday I did contact her Principal. What follows is the text of my email and his reply:


Jeff,

I am sorry to have to bother you with this but I am at a loss with (daughter) and I am hoping you can maybe give me some info here.

She is coming home at night pretty upset about the social aspects of school--especially with the other girls in her class. There have been the typical "I didn't get invited to ____'s party" events that resulted in tears and upsets. We navigated that and have kind of reached a point where she seems to accept that not everyone is gonna be her pal.

She has come home upset over lunch--that nobody would sit with her or that somebody teased her at the lunch table. I am usually inclined to look at this kind of stuff as being the lunacy that EVERY kid has at this age (I swear they all go mildly crazy for a while in here...)

Recently, however, this seems to be taking on a new tone that I just can't quite get my head around. Last night she got a call from one of her pals when she was told they can't hang out together any more because this kid is afraid of being teased for being pals with (daughter). (Daughter) was in tears.

I have asked (Daughter) if she is doing anything, saying anything or wearing anything "different" that would make her a target, and she says no. I have asked her if there has been anything said with or to these kids to maybe make anybody angry. She says no. I know full well that bullies often have no reason for what they do, but I also am aware that we humans all have our own issues that can lead to problems with other people. (Just come work in government for a while and you will see it on a very intense level, I swear...)

I am at a loss about what to do to help her and she is absolutely horrified at the thought that I would get involved in any way. She says she feels any adult involvement would make her an even bigger target.

I am concerned about this on a lot of different levels because IF my kid needs some help in dealing with this I want to be on top of it. I also am worried that maybe there is something here that I am not aware of--maybe some sort of behavior that she exhibits that manages to annoy the other kids--or the inverse--some sort of mob mentality that manifests sometimes in girls this age.

She tested for (University High) this spring and then opted not to apply because she didn't want to leave her friends behind. She clearly is not afraid to come to school, and she clearly feels SOME attachment to it. She said she wanted to come to school this morning--in spite of last night's drama--so I am not pushing any panic buttons at this point. I basically am asking if you have observed anything there that I am not aware of.

Again, I stress that she is adamant that the adults not get involved. What can you tell me about your observations of her in the school setting?

Thanks!

Laura

___________

Hi Laura-
I will do some behind the scenes investigating with the teachers and see if I can find anything out for you. I do know for a fact that (Daughter)sits at a table with 5 other students at lunch time and the talk appears to be nice. Let me do some investigating and I will get back with you at the first of next week. Thank you for the info.

Jeff (Principal)


____________

We make it a point to have a relationship with the people in our kid's school. Jeff seems to be pretty well liked by the kids and he seems like he's fairly involved with them--which is a wonderful thing. (This guy actually likes kids!) I am inclined to trust him. I am waiting to see what he can tell me.

Meanwhile, Daughter Dear came home yesterday and said the kid that had called the night before acted like the call never happened. There were no "bad" things to report from the day, and in fact, we celebrated because she had a report card that was extremely good. The relative peace is a good thing, but it also seems to be short lived with this crew--literally the upsets seem to happen every few days. (It is so much of a pattern, that if it goes for to long without something happening I have heard my kid comment on it.)

We went shoe shopping last night (got her first pair of high heels!) bought a new white shirt for the upcoming spring band concert, and had dinner out. This weekend will be a pretty low key one. Thankfully.



Laura

[Celebration]

40. Jeff does sound like a good principal

And he will keep a watchful eye. This is probably a "control" thing by a couple of girls--and may be as a result of stress in their own lives, and their behaviour is up/down depending on their own stress levels. There is one close family member that I have who gets mean when under stress. I am a little more tolerant of people who self destruct under stress rather than try to make other people miserable, but people are what they are.

I pretty much remember avoiding kids like that when I was in school--and there were some. But the school was big and I could find friends elsewhere. Plus I never liked to limit my friendships to one particular group. It seemed too, uh, stifling or something. So there were some groups that almost required being exclusive--that just didn't make sense to me, more of a floater.

Maybe your daughter can use this relative calm to start branching out some more. On the one hand, it is good for your daughter to forgive the kid who called her, but on the other it might open her up for more attacks later. But almost anyone can make a mistake about something, and hurt someone's feelings. I know that one of my daughters relives incidents--she has felt obligated later to apologize for things she did in the past that hurt others.

Keep us posted! Great vibes to your daughter!! She sounds awesome.

[MorningGlow]

41. That's good news, Laura

Your principal does sound like a good guy. And your school situation sounds a lot like our district's--small and closeknit, which can be good (principal and teachers keeping an eye out) and bad (exclusionary cliques) at the same time.

Your daughter sounds like a very strong person, and while she's been shocked at others' behavior lately, it seems she'll come out of this even stronger--and with a healthy education about human nature (the good, the bad, the ugly). :hug:

[Kind of Blue]

42. Bravo, Davsand! n/t

[Metta]

43. It's appropriate to share your thoughts and feelings with your daughter and to keep them in focus

like a broken record, if need be until she understands you, when she gets all upset and tells you to stay out.

[WhiteTara]

44. maybe you can engage her in activities

outside of school so that she can see a broader world and gain her self esteem in other ways.

[juno jones]

45. Perhaps you could approach the parents of children who are

friends with or at least freindly toward your daughter.

Maybe they have had their own issues with some of these children. Approaching the school or school district as a group may be less daunting for parents and might eliminate posible targeting of the kids. Find out what kind of policies your district has concerning bullying, there might be ways of dealing with it in a less personal manner.

My son has asbergers. One of the factors in my descision to send him to small alternative public schools like charters was the strict 'No Bullying' policies in the schools he attended. He doesn't have lots of friends, but that is to be expected. At least the kids leave him alone.

Edit to add: I was bullied as well as a kid. I'm glad my son hasn't had to deal with that as much. Good luck with your daughter.

[Stevepol]

46. In general the answer is always the same:

Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, and don't mess with Mr. In-Between.

She should focus on the great things she has: FOCUS ON WHAT SHE HAS. And she can also focus on other things she's ignoring now that would lead her toward higher places of attitude and service, etc.

Her test results, her other friends ("She has some friends that seem to not mess with her") suggest she still has plenty that is good to focus on.

Maybe she could purposefully sit with some other girls who are being left out of this group and try to be a beacon of light and friendliness with them.

Part of this is just that she is perhaps pursuing something that in the long run isn't best for her anyway. In my own life, I've found that when adverse things happened, I was much better served by just forgetting about it and focusing on what I love and enjoy and can deal with in a positive way.

Suppose you could somehow MAKE these bullies accept your daughter. Would that help the problem? These girls would still harbor ill will toward her. You can't force others to like you. Every soul is free to make its own choices. This is the essence of life itself: everybody is free to do what he/she wishes.

Karma is a real fact and it will affect this group of bullies in time. What you give out is what you become and eventually what happens to you in return. If you're on the right side of karma, nothing that anybody can do can determine what you become. There's always something to focus on that's positive and as you do, more that is positive appears to focus on.

I'm just giving general suggestiions of course, and things look different in the middle of it I'm sure. But I know these principles are right and if you live on the right side of principle in your own life, you can look anybody in the eye and tell them to go to hell. If you're living right and thinking right, what difference does it make what some clique does? See every challenge as something that is a positive or can be made positive and act that way. Feeling sorry for yourself is already putting yourself on the wrong side of karma.

Good luck.

[LaurenG]

47. Laura, I have written and deleted a post to you here

because it seemed that you were getting the same advice that I would have given already. Today though I ran across an article on a local news station that may or may not be helpful, however I think the school in the article is on the right track. Just so you know that you and your child are definitely not alone in her dilemma.

http://www.wlwt.com/news/19059725/detail.html

[davsand]

48. Thank you, and an update

I have begun collecting links and stories to send to the school. I dunno how seriously they will take them, but I figure it is worth a try. There have been some good l.inks so far in this thread, and I deeply appreciate them.

Next week is Spring Break for my kid. She is off school from tomorrow at 2 until April 14. I took some vacation time from my office and we are gonna spend it together doing fun stuff--like lunches in different places and park or museum trips. We have talked about including a couple of the girls who are her friends for some of this--I want an opportunity to observe in person what some of these dynamics are like.

I have quietly talked to a couple of moms (that I trust) and there does seem to be general "craziness" going on with all the girls--call it a mass neurosis if you like--that could well just be a part of the age group or there may be some very real group bullies at work. I am hearing some of the same stuff out of the other moms--that the girls are coming home upset and crying, for instance--and I want to hear the kids with each other and see if there is an agreement between them that _____ is a problem kid, or that _______ seems to be mean.

Should be an illuminating week--along with being a whole lotta fun.

The homeroom teacher has been gone this week with a family emergency. I have not been able to get much of any value out of the school yet because of that. Hopefully, I will know more soon.



Laura

[LiberalEsto]

49. I found several books on this issue

I haven't read them, but maybe one will turn out to be helpful for your daughter's situation.


http://www.amazon.com/Odd-Girl-Out-Culture-Aggression/dp/0156027348/ref=pd_sim_b_4/180-5651492-6387231

http://www.amazon.com/See-Jane-Hit-Growing-Violent/dp/1594200750

http://www.amazon.com/Girl-Wars-Strategies-Female-Bullying/dp/B0001XBCHQ/ref=pd_sim_b_3

http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wannabes-Boyfriends-Adolescence/dp/1400047927/ref=pd_sim_b_2

http://www.amazon.com/Mean-Chicks-Cliques-Dirty-Tricks/dp/1580629334/ref=pd_sim_b_1

[Kind of Blue]

50. Bullying-My daughter's experience

Interesting discussion at http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5428084