I think y'all might get a kick outta this.

[undergroundpanther]

Ineffective Daily Affirmations
by Eggnoramus

Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...

* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

* I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

* My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

* I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

* Joan of Arc heard voices too.

* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self- righteous people around me.

* I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

* When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

* I am at one with my duality.

* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

* I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.

* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

[Cleita]

1. As for the last one, I think we

are all going to Miss Sarah Palin for the unintended humor and we will be forever grateful to the Universe that she didn't get that close to the Presidency.

[midnight]

2. Very funny... This is a great list.

[Why Syzygy]

3. Those are funny.

And I really like this one >

* I am at one with my duality.