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Today is my 53rd birthday, and I'm hurting

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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 09:44 AM
Original message
Today is my 53rd birthday, and I'm hurting
My life seems so pointless.

It's not just that these Rethug-Nazi bastards are destroying our country, and I feel helpless and defeated.
It's not just that I'm so physically messed up with lower back stenosis and a herniated disc and sciatica and the pain of fibromyalgia. And clinical depression, though it's recently been under control until today.
It's not just that I have trouble lifting things or carrying laundry or loading the bottom rack of the dishwasher, and that it looks like gardening I love to do will have to be drastically curtailed from now on.
It's not just that I lack the physical strength or energy to work fulltime, or to ever work as a journalist again.

It's that my daughters hate me. One is 21 and one is 18, and they are so disrespectful, nasty, lazy, rude and selfish that I can't take much more. I've dealt with this for the past decade, and I cannot even imagine that they will ever treat me with any kind of affection, let alone respect. The 21-year-old is far worse.

This past weekend I spent many hours trying to clean up a trojan virus and other problems in my 21-year-old's laptop computer. Half my weekend was shot. It wasn't working. When I tried to merely discuss with her an approach that she didn't want to try, she refused to let me finish a sentence, yelled at me when I wanted to just say my piece, and slammed the office door right in my face. At that point I yelled a few things back at her, broke down in tears and crawled into bed and went to sleep before 8 PM.

This morning I woke up wondering if this was going to be the way she will always treat me. And what the point of everything was, anyway. If I couldn't even count on her to treat me with a tiny bit of respect the day before my birthday, was there any hope things would ever improve?

I'm sorry to be so whiny today, but I'm hurting a lot. Can any of you offer me any hope that kids can be like this and eventually improve? I thought all the teenage crap would gradually go away when they hit their 20s, but it's not happening.

thanks for any hope you can offer
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Quakerfriend Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 11:36 AM
Response to Original message
1. Happy B-Day, LiberalEsto!!
I'm sending hugs :hug: and warm wishes out to you :loveya: today!

I don't know if this will help but, I will tell you that I was one of six daughters growing up. We did not have any boys in the family. And, looking back I have to say that it probably would have been better for my mom to have had a couple of boys in the mix. We girls were all very close to each other and did not really have great relationships with mom until we had been out on our own for a while and had had our own kids. It seems it takes the kids growing up a bit before they come back around and show their parents the respect they deserve.

Hope this is helpful! Best wishes!
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 12:14 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. Thank you
It gives me a little hope for the future.

It may be a long, long time before my daughters have kids of their own. The older one wants to go to seminary and become a Unitarian minister after college. Ain't it great? She wants to save the whole world, but has no compunction about treating her own mother like dirt.

And thank you for the kind birthday wishes, Quakerfriend.
One bright spot is that it's 65 degrees and sunny in Maryland today after a long cold spell. Wishing you sunshine!

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Nancy Waterman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 12:25 PM
Response to Reply #2
3. Definitely give the girls at least til their mid 20's
Edited on Mon Mar-07-05 12:29 PM by Nancy Waterman
and away from you. Are they both still at home? If so, that can be the problem. They probably hate being dependent and they resent you for it, but they can't leave because they aren't independent enough yet. So they get nasty every time you do something for them that they can't do themselves.

Have you tried cranial sacral manipulation for your back pain issues? I know someone really good in Bethesda. Where in Maryland are you?
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 12:45 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. I'm in Rockville
Tell me more -- it sounds interesting. I've gotten 3 cortisone shots in the past 3 years, and am getting another on Thursday. The orthopedist I see wants to try to avoid surgery unless there is no other option.

Yes, my kids are both at home, and yes, I think you've put your finger on one of the issues. The older one was in college out of state for 2 years, but switched to University of Maryland and is commuting. The other was at UNC Greensboro for one semester but transferred to community college for a semester and hopes to go to U of MD and live in a dorm in the fall.
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Nancy Waterman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:23 PM
Response to Reply #4
9. I went for cranial sacral work in Bethesda
for very acute TMJ and shoulder pain. Supposedly TMJ cannot be helped by regular medicine or dentistry beyond cortisone shots and possibly surgery. I went for manipulations for a few months, twice a week then once a week. The people who work there are amazing. They are not on insurance plans but we got about half back by submitting for reimbursement. They are licensed as physical therapists. Contact me through DU mail and I will give you the details.


And happy birthday!!
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jrthin Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:02 PM
Response to Original message
5. LiberalEsto, Happy,
Happy Birthday.

Regarding your daughter and just life overwhelming you at this moment, give it some time. As you know, being a Piscean, life and situations, for the most part, have a way of working out in your favor. Hang in there, and THINK positive.
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:07 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. I will try.
Thank you!
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Desertrose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:05 PM
Response to Original message
6. Happy Birthday LE
Edited on Mon Mar-07-05 01:06 PM by Desertrose
:toast: :party: :toast: :party: :toast: :party: :toast: :party: :toast: :party: :toast: :party:

I think once your daughters get out and have to live on their own, they will realize everything you did(do) for them and it will make a big difference.

In the meantime....do you have to take their "attitude"? I mean that is pretty inconsiderate regardless of age. Could you tell them if they don't show a bit more respect for you maybe they would be happier living elsewhere??

I know its so hard when you feel like crap and have no energy to stand up to them.....I'm really sorry. Just remember that you don't have to put up with their " 'tudes" and you are entitled at the very least to respect. They don't have to like the way things are, but they don't have the right to treat you that way and you don't have to take it. We Mom's put up with a lot sometimes......

As a Pisces I know its hard not to take on other peoples stuff- epsecially your own kids...just try to remember you don't have to.

:hug: :loveya:
DR

I hope Nancy can give you some names & you can get some serious pain relief!
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:09 PM
Response to Reply #6
8. Part of it is my husband
who yells at me when I finally lose it with the kids. This has convinced them that Mom is always wrong, and that Dad is the good parent who is on their side. Yes, family counseling would be wonderful, but with him working 50 to 60 hour weeks it's not feasible.

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Desertrose Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:27 PM
Response to Reply #8
10. Oh honey, I am so sorry.....
yeah, I can see how that would just make everything worse. (MEN..ok, SOME men!) I think you just have to look out for yourself and be true to yourself as much as you can...I do feel that eventually the girls will see the truth. Its just a tough situation,huh?


(One of the main reasons my husband & I split after 20+ years was that we couldn't agree on raising the kids. 10+ years later, he now appreciates my points and is trying to establish a connection with them . kids are 22 & 27)

Just remember that you are an absolutely wonderful & incredible human being and have done nothing to deserve being treated the way you are.....hang in....take care of yourself!!! Love yourself!!!

:grouphug: :loveya:
DR
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Nancy Waterman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:30 PM
Response to Reply #8
11. Time to pull back a little from them
and let them ask when they need something, not offer it otherwise. Focus more on your own life and your female friends to fill in the vacuum left by pulling back from intensive parenting. It will help with the ongoing power struggle. You will be shifting the family system, which probably has you doing too much for them or being too involved and then resented.
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Pallas180 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 09:44 PM
Response to Reply #8
25. LIB ESTO - this book " The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by
Patricia Evans. The book is a miracle worker.

Chapter 11 is "Recongnizing Abuse & Asking For Change"

Has things like: Basic Rights In A Relationship

and responses to the abusing party.

Maybe Amazon has it or can get it.

Stress is very bad for fibromyalgia - and you might tell them all
that your condition requires a harmonious and pleasant environment.

Maybe you just need to withdraw to a quiet room when your immature
children are acting up - withdraw from them until they can come around and be pleasant.

Maybe you need to impress upon them how very debilitating fibro is and that they are making it worse. And name their offense. Tell them
they are being verbally abusive and you will not allow them to talk to you that way from this day forward. (then mean it). They may not realize that the way they are snapping and talking is verbal abuse.
Let them think about it. But you don;t have to take it or respond to it.

By the way, I hope you're getting massage (which they call physical therapy) at least once a week and going to the chiropractor. They usually have a masseuse acquainted with fibro at a chiro office. If you're not going, please do. It'll do wonders.





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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:32 PM
Response to Original message
12. Happy Birthday, hon!
Another Pisces Mom of a 23 and 21 year old chiming in! :evilgrin: :D

I agree with the others that often at this age it really is time for them to be on their own. Too much getting into each others' spaces. Maybe especially with daughters..... :think: (I have one of each...)


But also, don't take that crap from them, and certainly not while you are taking the time and trouble to be so helpful and kind to them! :wtf: :argh:

Hope you find relief for your physical pain - maybe check out Nancy's tip.....

And have a good long talk with you hubby about taking the girl's sides in conflicts.... :spank:

It will pass, this period, and I know how tough it can feel.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

DemEx

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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:36 PM
Response to Reply #12
13. This week I'll be 54.....hard to believe sometimes...
:hi:

DemEx
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silverlib Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 01:39 PM
Response to Original message
14. Happy Birthday from a fifty-four year-old
Who has two grown daughters. I had my older girls when I was very young, so they are in their thirties. The oldest one left for college, just like your oldest, and then returned to go to college closer to "home." "Home" is not the same when a child leaves and returns. I eventually added up what it cost me for her to live at home and offered to pay her "child support" if she would like to move out. This literally saved our relationship. She is now the proud mother of four daughters and the family lives within a mile. We are sooo close and we laugh now about me having to pay her to leave home. We acknowledge that our friendship could not have survived her staying home in longer.

All relationships are different and I would certainly not presume this to work in your situation.

But, yes, there is hope whatever you decide to do. With the second daughter, I had to learn not to reason with her. If I couldn't do something for her, she would argue if I told her why I couldn't. I learned just to say "sorry, can't fix it," of "sorry, can't do that,"

I hope your health gets better really soon -
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Love Bug Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 02:08 PM
Response to Original message
15. Happy Birthday!
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time with your kids. I'm 50 and went through some of that with my own daughter -- teen pregnancy, major attitude "Fuck you, mom!", etc., etc., but now that she's 28 and she has her own kids we get along great. I agree with the others that some time and life experience should help your daughters learn to appreciate you more.

From my own experience I've decided that some kids will test your boundaries because they need the constant assurance that you will love them no matter how shitty they treat you.

However, that doesn't mean you have to take their abuse (and that's what it is -- ABUSE). It might help if you begin to strengthen your boundaries with them. Not only do you not have to take any abuse, you also don't have to cook, clean, find the hairdryer, make lunches, etc., etc., for disrespectful ADULTS who should, from the sounds of your physical problems, be steppin' and fetchin' for YOU.

It might be time to exercise a little tough love. If it were me, I wouldn't do a goddam thing for the whole lot of 'em until they start showing some respect and appreciation. Let them get their own damn dinner and wash their own clothes and fix their own computer!
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diplomats Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 08:00 PM
Response to Reply #15
23. Right On, Love Bug!
I feel the same way about those disrespectful daughters. I sure as hell wouldn't be doing ANYTHING for them around the house. You're not obligated to let them live at home when they act like that, either.
:spank:

Your husband should back you up 100% with those girls. You two should show a united front. Sounds like he wants to be Mr. Nice Guy. Not the best for the girls, but makes him feel good. So short-sighted. Sigh.. ;(
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Eloriel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 08:55 PM
Response to Reply #23
24. I have to agree with both of these
They way you have described your situation -- it's absolutely intolerable. NO ONE in your family will respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to REFUSE TO ALLOW that kind of ABUSE (and yes, it's abuse).

Please, find some good material to help you figure out ways to end these abusive cycles with your daughters. Perhaps read up on codependence, setting boundaries, etc. You might even consider a 12 Step Group for codependence if you find that helpful (I did).

Please, please, please give yourself the gift of just enough self-respect (for starters) to not allow people to treat you this way without consequence.

Heck, just watch SuperNanny a few times -- that show actually has some very good suggestions in it.

Happy Birthday, dear. I just had one making me 57 a little over a week ago!!
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Digit Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 02:54 PM
Response to Original message
16. Happy Birthday!
Sorry you are having such a rough time with your daughters.
You have already been given a ton of advice, so I won't even go there.
I just wanted to share that I know of an osteopath in Alexandria who fixed a neck injury of mine which had almost become permanent since I had been suffering with it for a year; and he fixed it on the first visit.
He does "adjustments", but also knows accupressure and accupuncture.
His name is Dr Lie Ping Chang and is on Seminary Rd (or was the last time I saw him).
Hope things begin to work out for you soon.
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Cleita Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 04:18 PM
Response to Original message
17. Happy birthday and I'm sorry you are suffering.
I'm kind of in a deep funk myself for other reasons. I too have had to cut back on my gardening because of physical problems, but realized that there is still a lot I can do. It's just not as much as I would like. I think if you go out and look around, you will see what can be done. Maybe you should try to get some help for the things you can't do.

It would be nice if you could get those daughters interested in helping you. Maybe they don't realize what's going on with you and this could be a way to get them to understand that it's their turn to start helping dad out; that dad too has problems. Sometimes kids don't know that the people around them are hurting as much as they think they are hurting and they need to be shown.

Best of luck anyway. I hope you feel better emotionally at least as time goes on.
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Cleita Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 07:12 PM
Response to Reply #17
21. Ooops my bad. Sorry, I didn't read the other posts till now.
You are a mom not a dad but I think what I said works for mom too.
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hippiegranny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 05:18 PM
Response to Original message
18. Sorry you are down and out on your Birthday...
for some reason, our "special day" sometimes comes with great expectations that it should be extra special, or at least not suck.

As for your daughter, her lack of compassion and respect is probably partly due to the fact that your husband won't back you up. How you choose to handle this is entirely up to you, of course, but in my opinion, "children" in their 20's should be damned appreciative that they have parents who allow them to live at home. And those who aren't shouldn't be there. The end.

I agree with the others who have written that once your daughters are on their own, and maybe become mothers themselves, they will become new people.

But anyway, back to your birthday... please accept my best wishes and party favors! HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!!!
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 05:37 PM
Response to Original message
19. Thank you everyone!
Thank you for all the moral support you have offered, the advice, and the medical suggestions.

It helps more than you can imagine just to know that others have gone through this teen-twenties idiocy and survived and moved beyond it!
Sometimes when you're deep in the middle of it, it's impossible to see the edge where it stops.

I will definitely look into alternative treatment as you have suggested. A good friend who is a long-time physical therapist just got her doctorate in physical therapy and opened a wellness center in Gaithersburg. It's time to ask her for advice, and find out if our insurance will pay for treatment.

DU is much more than just a political discussion site. You make it feel like a family.

Thanks again!
:hi:
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Nancy Waterman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 07:24 PM
Response to Reply #19
22. Just a note L.E. - not all physical therapists know cranial sacral work
In my opinion, cranial sacral is to physical therapy as acupuncture might be to swedish massage. It has a far more esoteric basis for what it does than physical therapy.
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Digit Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-07-05 06:20 PM
Response to Original message
20. To celebrate, I was thinking....
a can of Pillsbury Creme Cheese frosting and a spoon....

...I was just so happy it was your birthday and all....
:+ bring your own spoon...
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Southsideirish Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Mar-08-05 12:02 AM
Response to Original message
26. A wise person in my life used to say "it takes two to make a fight" - when
things get heated why don't you just smile and give her a hug. I've been there and done that with huge, screaming "mom/daughter"fights with my mom but now that she's gone I wish I'd lost more arguments and said more "I love you's". I never told my mom that I loved her.
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