Can I ask your opinion, please? (very long)

[demgurl]

Several years ago my Great Uncle died and left my Mom in charge of the estate. There was a base amount left to many family members and then there was a base plus residual (percentage) left to my Mom and myself.

The first time I thought things might be wrong was when Mom boasted to me about her friend telling her to "forget" to cut off oil delivery for that month so that she would get the oil paid by the estate. She was sole inheritor of the house even though my relatives said my Uncle had wanted Mom and I to have it and months earlier Mom told me my Uncle was leaving the house to both of us. Basically, by "forgetting" to stop the oil delivery, Mom was saving 20% out of her pocket - my 20%.

Months later my relatives contacted me telling me of things that had happened that appeared suspicious. They convinced me to join their suit since their lawyer said it would hasten a settlement of the estate. They also wanted Mom to pay for what they believed she had done. I said that I could not partake in revenge and if the law saw fit that would be fine. I did a lot of soul searching and realized that Mom was cheating the estate (too much evidence to provide here) and decided to go ahead and join the lawsuit.

I did not go into a lawsuit lightly since my Mom had made it clear if I hired a lawyer I would be disowned. I just had to do what is right no matter the personal cost to myself. Every step of the way I have measured and tried to make sure what I was doing was for the good of my Uncle, my relatives who had been cheated and the estate. I felt that i would get very bad karma if I did anything out of malice for my mother.

My relatives got their settlement since it was a base amount. I was so happy they got their money. One of my relatives is old and in very bad health and it was important that she get her money before she died. I am still trying to get accounting and get my money. According to Mom's accounting I am owed about $10,000. According to mine, it is much, much more. It is almost enough to pay off my house.

So many things have propped up that are testing my resolve. I have had to change lawyers because the old one was just plain lazy. I thought I had a great new lawyer but I have asked him for update three weeks in a row and he just keeps putting me off. My Mom likes to socialize and so she knows a ton of people. When I looked for a new lawyer I was turned down by several because it would be a conflict of interest since they know her.

I hate to start again with a new lawyer. Today I entertained thoughts of saying if Mom would pay all of my lawyer bills then I would just quit. I also know that she goes through a ton of money and that may be one of the reasons she had to embezzle a bunch of money. I know she has played around with the money and the figures because of the vastly different accounting she gives each time we request one. I feel sorry for her because she has learned how to juggle money and bills but she has never learned to be frugal and manage it.

The worst part of this whole thing is I suspect she may have killed my Great Uncle. Mom is supposedly into homeopathic remedies and my Great Uncle went into the hospital. He had surgery and according to the hospital he did well and nothing indicated he would not pull through. He did fine for several days but a doctor came in and found Mom putting drops in my Uncle's mouth. She explained it was a homeopathic remedy to help and the doctor told her to not administer anything again. My Mom is a nurse and knows you do not give a patient anything since it can have a bad reaction with anything the doctor gives the patient. She is not uninformed. A nurse came in and caught her administering more drops the next day. (My Uncle's friend witnessed this as well) The next day my Uncle died. My first lawyer ignored this information and my second lawyer said not to do anything about it since it makes it look like I have a grudge against Mom.

Right now, I am just frustrated with my lawyer not giving me updates. I pay him a lot of money ($150/hour)and the least he can do is give me what I need instead of asking for more time whenever I contact him. I have been trying to fight the good fight for a number of years. I have tried to keep my motives pure. I have tried to get what I felt was left to me and not exact revenge in any way. Are these hurdles just there? Are they a sign? Do I just give up? What do I do? I am trying to find direction but am emotionally drained after so many years of doing this. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

[NMDemDist2]

1. I'm so sorry

:hug:

I don't have a bit of advice, just warm wishes for you and I'll send you lots of light in hopes your way will become clear to you

[demgurl]

2. Thanks, AZ.

Seem to be bumping into you everywhere. Always nice to see a friendly face.

[NMDemDist2]

3. i like the cool corners of DU

those big forums, while I read them they rarely bring me out in posts. unless I get pissed about some sexist or gay bashing BS then I'll wade in and flame away

but generally I hang in with the "coolest" kids. the ones who aren't worried about being "cool"

:hug:

[demgurl]

4. I just like how relaxed these smaller forums are.

There is already too much negative energy in the world and none us need the extra negativity. I am glad I have discovered some of these forums and it is nice interacting with the "cool kids" like you!!!!

[NMDemDist2]

5. egggsactly!

:pals:

[GardeningGal]

6. You're in a tough spot.

I need to let this rattle about in my mind before I make any comments. Except for one, I think I would play hardball with the attorney and say until you get an update that you will not make any more payments. As to the rest of it, I'll think about it a bit and post again when I've come to a conclusion.

[demgurl]

13. GardeningGal...

Thanks for replying. It is hard to play hardball with the lawyer since I have money on account with him. At least he did reply to me today and we will be having a phone conference on Monday. I would love to hear your conclusion. Thanks.

[silverlib]

7. My thoughts are with you...

I'd hang in there. Have you considered calling and making an appointment with the lawyer? If this doesn't work, a pleasant sit-in does nicely. My daughter did that just today with an attorney on a child custody case - and it worked. She also told the lawyer that if anything, like paperwork, was needed for him to do his job, she would be glad to take care of it. He had not even reviewed the file and the case if set for for the 25th. The file was messy, so she told him she would bring her own files to court so that he would be prepared if the judge asked for any paperwork. She is in the same boat - a $10,000 retainer for another lawyer. Since this has been on ongoing case (30,000+), she was only required a $3500 for this hearing. You, as my daughter, have a lot invested in this. It is not just money, it is justice.

The attorney has no power to do anything about your suspicions about your uncle's death. Only legal officials have the capacity to file any charges or to even open a case, which would involved autopsies, etc. probably at this point.

My husband and I are almost positive that his mother killed his father. He had complained to his daughter several weeks prior that she was messing with his medication. He died at home and we were sure an autopsy would be performed, as it is a law in Texas that is someone dies at home, an autopsy is performed no matter the cause (I think there is an exception if Hospice is involved), but apparently this was not the case in Florida. Of course, his mother 'knew a lot of people," too. I guess this story is just intended to let you know I feel your distress/pain.

I'm sending you good thoughts. Patience is great, but a little persistence works wonders.

[demgurl]

10. slverlib, thank you for your reply.

I wish I could make an appointment but all of these things are happening in Canada! That really complicates things a whole lot. An update, of sorts, happened last night. After I finished posting here, I emailed my lawyer asking for the update. He emailed me this morning and said:

In the interest of putting a time line on this, a meeting has been scheduled with Ms. XXXX's lawyer for Wednesday September 13, 2006. Will you be available to discuss the file on Monday September 11. I do not have anything else scheduled for that afternoon or evening.

The thing is that we requested a proper accounting and got it in February. Any prior accounting only gave us maybe 50 pages of numbers and receipts. This accounting gave us 200-300 pages! I am not an accountant but was going through it myself (after it was sent down here by my lawyer). Within two weeks they were pressuring me to give an OK on the estate. It took me a week to even get up to looking at it. Every time I even saw the papers my stomach would churn. My cousins, in Canada, had me mail them a copy and they did help me discern what was what. Anyway, I submitted requests for clarification or receipts/bills, etc.... on 21 items. We asked for these at the end of March and even though they pressured me to get it done quickly, they have not even gotten back to us with any of the requested information. I had honest questions in there such as why the end accounting says there is something like $15,000 left in the estate but the bank accounts,she provided, say there is 50 or 60 thousand.

I guess the bad thing is I know how she thinks. We were on good terms before she found out I had joined the families legal action in hiring a lawyer. (there were 16 family members and 2 beneficiaries that were my Uncle's friends who hired the lawyer together. I came in 6-8 months later) Mom used to confide her thoughts to me and at one point she said that her lawyer told her that our relatives were just doing all of this so mom would be forced to spend her money. Mom said that they could all "just whistle Dixie waiting for their money". She also told me she would spend all the money in the estate on legal defense so that they would not get any money. Her lawyer actually encouraged our first lawyer to get the base money put in a trust!!! I think he knew what she was doing and now her lawyer has actually quit "due to sickness" and another lawyer at the same firm is representing her.

It is just as well that she has a new lawyer because if this goes to trial we would need her old lawyer to testify against her. He stated that a pension of $164,000 was put in the estate because it was not left to anyone. This amount even showed up on my Uncle's tax form and, yet, Mom said the money was hers. She provided information, in this last accounting, showing that the pension is hers. In order to get my legal fees paid I will have to prove there was reason for me to hire a lawyer. I had every reason to believe that that $32,000 (20% would have been mine) was mine because Mom's lawyer said it belonged to the estate. He will have to testify that she told him that. That alone is a pretty compelling reason to hire a lawyer.

As far as my Uncle's death goes, I am not looking for an autopsy. Mom made sure he was cremated right away. I asked my lawyer if I could hire him to put pressure on the hospital to see why the staff did nothing to restrict my Mom's visits after she was caught administering drops. I wanted him to follow this up with having them institute a new policy that if they catch someone doing this then the person will be restricted on visits. My lawyer felt that any investigation by the hospital may involve talking to Mom and this would look like I have a grudge. I only wanted to make sure no one goes through the uncertainty we are going through. It is a terrible feeling to think your Mom could actually kill someone.

Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry you went through something similar with yor husband's family. It is not a good thing for anyone to go through.

[Why Syzygy]

17. So freakin what if you have a GRUDGE!

If I were in your shoes, I would take the available money and RUN! Hide even.

My mother got control of my grandmother (dad's mom) after my dad died. This because she is a "Christian" and my GM's other son is not. GM is/was a religious fanatic. She is still 'alive', but knows nothing. They won't tell me where she is. I can't even send her a card. I used to write her all the time. She trusts people she should not based on how many times they say Jesus! and Rapture! Poor judgment.

She got 3x the settlement that my sisters and I got from the sale of GM's home. She has laughed and said she will spend it all before she dies. My dad worked long and hard and was frugal and did manage money and was married to the merry widow who spends. Grudge? You betcha! She has 'cut me out of the will' a number of times when I didn't do what she wanted. I finally told her, if you want your other two daughters to go through court proceedings after you are gone, go ahead. They cannot win. My dad worked for ALL of us. He never disowned me. The estate accidentally ? over paid me by $400. My sister, who I don't talk to, made it a point to call and ask me to refund the money, but suspected I wouldn't. I'm considered the 'black sheep'. I would have. Except she was such a b*tch. Both of my sisters are professionals and own their own homes. I, for various reasons, do not. And they are worried about $200 each? It is such a game, a ploy, a continuation of their fantasy to punish me. Screw em. I'll take my share and good luck to the rest. Do not try to appease people who want to play games with your life. It never works.

Why are you so concerned about being Snow White in this affair? People can be brutal. It sounds like you are putting a lot of emotional stock into this, not to mention time and money, but is it worth it? How much is your suffering worth? Do you expect to recoup that loss? This is a mind game sick people play. I control. I say, begone with it. Get what you can, fire the lawyer and get the hell out.

Just my .02


edit: ps. I was able to get the state involved, after dear ole mom told me I would get nothing if I didn't treat her right. After their involvement, she hired an attorney who made sure everything was carried out according to the letter and intent of the will. But my GM is still alive. I do hope you find a satisfactory solution.

[demgurl]

21. I guess the big deal, to me, is the reason I came to this particular forum

I came here because it is a spiritual board and ergo I felt my need for karmic balance would be fully understood. There was a time when I would have felt the way you do. There was a time when I would have been out for my mother's blood. I would have done everything I could to destroy her.

I have come a long way to realize that we are all connected. When I do something to my mother I am not only hurting her but I hurt those around her who do care about her. Why would I want to hurt her friends? Why would I want to consume their hours consoling her and her problems with what I have caused? What possible motive could I have for hurting someone who has done me no harm?

I have come a long way trying hard to become a better person. I even contacted one of Mom's old boyfriends to say how sorry I was for the things I had done to make him not even want to talk to me. I guess he saw I was sincere enough that I even was added to his email list!!!

Hate has a huge ripple effect. It effects the person causing it as well as so many people along with the main target of the hate. It is so easy to hate one person but when you see how it effects the people around them, you start to see the big picture.

Along this trip of self awareness and discovery I have also come to strongly believe in karma. As John Lennon once said, "Instant karma's gonna get you." Even if you do not believe in karma, you must admit that it is weird how you do something bad and coincidentally something bad seems to happen to you. I try to spread as much positive karma as I can. Even if karma does not exist, it can not be a bad thing to be nice to others and take their feelings into consideration.

Do I want the money? Of course, it was left to me. Do I want more than what I deserve? No. That would be cheating someone out of their share and doing harm to someone else. Just as I do not want my Mom stealing my share, it would not be right to steal hers. Two wrongs make two wrongs and nothing more. The bad actions have to stop somewhere and I choose for it to end with me. I will not reflect bad actions back to others. I will not multiply bad actions through my own actions.

It is easy to act and not be aware of the consequences of your actions. This applies not only to the consequences to yourself, but to others as well. We must all be conscious of the choices we make and be deliberate in our actions. Giving in to spur of the moment revenge is reducing our actions to that of a hurt animal that lashes out. We have the gift of our consciousness so that we can rise above that and do better. It is something we all need to strive for. It is something I struggle with and strive for everyday.

[I Have A Dream]

22. demgurl, I don't have any advise about how to resolve this particular...

situation. This is why I haven't spoken before now. However, I wanted to let you know that I respect your honorable intentions. I think that karma is all about intention. None of us is perfect, but if you're doing the best that you can do with what you have at the time, I truly believe that this is all that the Universe expects of us.

This is a lesson that you're going through, and I'm not sure how it's going to end up, but just keep in mind that it's not really about the money. I don't know what it is about, but the money's just a tool to help everyone involved learn the lesson that's being taught.

I think that the challenge here is to break this cycle. The people involved in this fiasco have probably been doing this for a multitude of incarnations. It's important to find a way to make this the last time that this happens for at least you. I don't know how to do this, but I see this as the important thing in reference to the entire situation.

Please continue to ask the Universe for guidance and for clarity. Make it really clear to the Universe that you want to do whatever will break this karmic cycle and that your motive is pure.

:hug:

[demgurl]

24. I Have A Dream....

This is just the sort of thing I was looking for. Thank you. I was hoping for some people to maybe pick up on vibes and direct me but I am also looking for the direction I need to be going in. While you did not provide the end answer, you did provide the thing to be looking for and meditating on.

I want to break this cycle and I want to do it honorably. I am not sure what has happened in the past. I can not bring myself to believe I was taken advantage of in the past so now I must stand up for myself and bring the other person down in doing so. Am I repeating the pattern by sitting here and refusing to press forward in seeing this person get punished? If so, I may have to wait until another life to break the pattern. I have fought so hard to get rid of my hare trigger temper. Revenge used to be my first line of defense and now it is not even in my repertoire.

I will examine everything and look to the universe for help and clarity. I have to go forward and see that my next life is an advance of this one.

Thank you so much for your kind and wonderful words. I am glad you decided to post.

[rumpel]

8. Hi demgurl

This is odd because in the past few hours I made a devastating discovery regarding my own long legal battle, and I have been looking for a place to seek opinions - a hug - good vibes - just anything. I was thinking to just post it on DU, but was hesitating as it may not be proper.

It really must have been a horrific ordeal to first find out that your Mom was embezzling, but also to have suspicion festering inside about possible poisoning of your uncle by your Mom.

Are these hurdles just there? Are they a sign? Do I just give up? What do I do? I am trying to find direction but am emotionally drained after so many years of doing this. Any help would be appreciated.

I am basically stuck with the same questions. The entire legal process is so slow and frustrating, and even more so - I learned, I can not just wait for an answer, so I do reasearch on my own - every time something new pops up - I am back at the state code website - reading and relaying it to my attorney.
Yes, when you think you are paying someone so much money for their expertise it should not be that way. Especially when you have to go to different attorneys, you know more already about the case than the new ones. And then you are being charged for your attorney reading your legal research. Then again I may be saving paralegal time...

I envision there probably needs to be some forensic accounting, This is very expensive and probably requires subpeonas, as you do not have access to her records. In short, it will be along battle, lots of discovery.
You say she is a spender - what if she has already used it all up by the time you can legally get to it? Judgment enforcement is a pain and is not automatic.
My attorney once said: "Throwing good money after bad money".
But for me, too - it is not so much about money - it's the principle of right and wrong - justice.

As for the poisoning, unless the doctor files a report - or you file a police report nothing may happen. If the case is old they may not even take it. Have you discussed it with the doctor? He may feel legally vulnerable, too. Thinking back - is it possible civil case lawyers don't want to tread into criminal allegations? I don't know. But I also broached some incriminating matter to my attorneys attention, and I was told - oh please don't make me bring this, the case will look like something else. Ultimately he had no choice. That part remains unresolved.

Some attorneys tell me the court system is not about justice. And I saw it again, today - county government attorneys being told to close a case from higher ups - Based on my research - I have several options - take it to the state AG, take it to the US Attorney's Office (a Bush appointee and advisor here), take it to the ACF - the law is written to be on your side - there was supposed to be a motion for employer contempt to garnish wages for child support, but when the employer is involved in this
http://www.commondreams.org/views05/0827-23.htm
and much more
it will probably only take one phone call to kill a case when you save someone's butt-
I have to talk to my attorney, and until such time, I probably should not say much more - but my child support order now worth over 1/2 Mil appears to have been rendered uncollectable courtesy of big money and * & Co.

So, to your question is it a sign? It may be -
time to let go? I still have to consult universe - what is my role in this?

I had posted before, I feel like I am fighting the dark old energies, I did not know I was fighting the real thing. Great manifestation, rumpel :banghead:

Sorry, under these circumstances - I was not able to get any gut feelings to your case....but it was my 2 cents worth

[demgurl]

11. rumpel......

:hug: I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I am so sorry you have a similar situation. If you ever want to "talk" feel free to send something to my inbox. I know the loneliness and frustration of it all.

Luckily, I do not have to worry about no money being there. I hope not, anyway. She told me she needed to put something like $200,000 in her pension so that she would get full benefits when she retires. I am pretty sure that money is there. I am also pretty sure there is not much else anywhere. Within two months of my Uncle dying she had bought a Volvo convertible which was worth roughly $80,000!!! In the first year she also went on two cruises. This is all after she claimed she was in financial trouble right before my Uncle died. Even after the cruises, car and pension she still would have had access to about $500-700,000 in the estate. But she had lots of bills and even took a nice plane trip to Vegas. All of this was happening while my husband was out of work and our washer had broken down so that we had to go to the laundromat because we could not afford a new washer. I begged her for a small advance on my money and she said she could not let any money out of the estate because there were taxes and bills to be paid and that no one would get money until everyone did!!!! There still should be money in her pension fund, though.

It sounds like you have really been through the ringer. I am so sorry for all of your troubles. I can only imagine how you are feeling. If there is anything I can do (even just be a shoulder to lean on), I am here.

[rumpel]

15. thank you, demgurl...

My case is really sooo vicious and my ex, well - like attracts like.

Wow, talk about circumstancial evidence - I was just researching yesterday myself... maybe two thoughts...
On your suspicions I think it is totally valid and you may want to bring it to the attention of your local AG or US District attorney - you can find information on the general usdoj.gov website and or you state AG site. But the federal or state is only filing charges in connection with criminal offenses, and they are not representing private individuals. They will not go after what is owed to you. They may order restitution - but that's a long way down the line. If you do, and they take the case, make sure you sign up with the victim notification system - other wise - I think you may not be informed of all the proceedings. And since they are government, you have to constantly bug them
In light of what you say, I would be hesitant to talk to the doctor, he as well as the hospital - while I think, one would not want to blame them -"technically" they would place themselves in legal jeopardy for not being more vigilant about their patient.

The other thought is maybe find someone who would work on contingency and is known for fighting "really" for consumers or people's rights. And they will work more honestly perhaps because they will not be paid until they collect, so they will not take a case unless they know you are right and they will win. Nowadays, I check out everything. Including affiliation, poliical contributions etc. gives you some sort of the overall picture. Previous cases etc. Once in a while you come accross someone like that. Civil wrongful death suits.(?) I think it also greatly depends on what the other family members want to do, too, and whether you want to go that far.

In general, though - I think there is no equal justice for all - because it can be manipulated, bought and is skewed by abuse of power or by association with power.

and like you I am still wrecking my brain - what is my role in this - why am I experiencing this - is it a lesson for me, or is it a lesson for the perpetrator - or is it something for the greater good? If I let go of pursuing justice - yes - I don't have to deal with it anymore - but would I have not contributed to the perfect crime? Would I not condone and reward such acts? Am I to just expose this to light - simply bring public shame - not as an act of revenge - but prevent harm to others? Harm to others is a great possibility in both your and my case..
Am I to trust universe or karma to take care of this in whatever lifetime and not get involved?

Thank you, demgurl. Emotionally, I am detached from the actual perpetrator and to what happened, not only for having been defrauded out of everything by a con-man and even his, to me, inconceivable unfatherly behavior towards his daughter. I am primarily upset about the so-called justice system - maybe the overall system of capitalism - the greed and at whatever cost mentality - the inequality in all of this, people who have the means being able to buy "justice" - something is terribly wrong with society as a whole.

likewise PM me anytime...:hug:

[demgurl]

16. rumpel.....

Thanks so much for your very kind offer. :hug:

Sounds like you are really researching everything. I can not partake of some of the suggestions you have made as all of the legal stuff is happening in Canada.

All of it is quite disconcerting. It is a simple estate and there is no reason that it could not have been distributed by now. It has been almost four years and I feel Mom is dragging this out out of spite. She said that is what she was doing to my cousins so why would I think she would treat me differently?

I, too, have wondered what my role is. I have had to pull myself back when I think I am acting out of hurt feelings and revenge.

At first I tried to fight to get Mom removed as executrix. I felt that the government would audit everything and figure out what is what. That would not be punishing Mom and it would be helping me. My first lawyer was impotent and so nothing came of that.

Later, I wanted to go to Revenue Canada and tell them they need to do an audit on Mom but it felt too much like revenge even though an audit may get to the bottom of everything. This may have caused a lot of legal trouble for Mom and I do not want negative karma. I dropped those thoughts at once.

I am trying to do only that which will benefit me and not hurt her. Other things may come from different venues but I have analyzed every move I have made. I need karma on my side.

I have also wondered if it is my role to teach her a lesson or bring her to justice but if that is meant to be then I truly believe it can happen without my interference.

If nothing else will come from this, I have discovered I have a sister. I need to find her but she is out there. I do wonder what I might tell her about Mom, though. I will find her eventually.

I really hope you will find your way to the answers. If these are tests then I hope I have passed. I have given up a parent just to do what is right. That takes a lot of courage and a solid moral compass. With all of the thought you have given to your situation, I know you have a solid moral compass as well. You can find your way through this and come out even better for it. Eventually all answers will be revealed. Until then, we must be patient.

[Why Syzygy]

19. Justice is blind,

as they say. That is not a good thing. Justice should have super-laser sharp eyesight.

I have been faced with a situation where I could proceed along the 'justice' line and make someone else's life miserable. May someone else get hurt someday? More than likely. Is that MY responsibility? I don't think so. My main responsibility is to myself. That is what this lesson has taught me. I am not willing to invest my time and emotions into pursuing a punishment for this person. I have spent enough already to dig myself out of the sh*t he left. If I can do it, anyone can. As it turns out, I am much more capable than the one who should be held accountable. Thank goddess I have the personal resources to overcome the obstacles that others would throw in my way. I can't save the world, my friends kept telling me. I didn't get the point until faced with the very thing. Do your part. Wait. Waiting is hard. But, please do not expect that you can reform this person. It is their choice.

[Why Syzygy]

18. Sounds like

you have your own demons. I have not seen your posts about this. Most states, at least on the outside, support child support collections.

In dem's case, they can't do anything about her uncle. He was cremated. No autopsy, no trace.
I don't think it is all that important if her mom gave him fatal drops. She is now going about poisoning other souls. That is what needs to be addressed.

I have a friend in MO who keeps coming back to TX for court dates to collect unpaid child support. I never tried to collect. The laws were not in place at that time. Legal fees can far outweigh the expected return.

We need to learn the definition of INVESTMENT: How much is it worth? Expected returns? Are you destitute? Would 1/2 mil make a huge difference in your children's lives? How much more would they gain to have a happy parent? A successful child is priceless. I would not take 1/2 million, or a trillion, for the happy, well adjusted, satisfied with life and his future child that I have. Priceless. I never tried to make someone else 'pay'. I Invested.

[BlueIris]

9. You are in...quite a position here, friend.

First, let me say that I am sorry for all that you have been through. It sounds like it has brought the worst kind of physical and emotional pain to you, mainly because your own mother has been directly involved in and responsible for these terrible acts. My parents are a lot of things, few of them good, but at the very least, they have tried to do right by their elders. I can't imagine being in the position that you are in.

I'll be frank: my impression, psychic and otherwise, is that you are in this for the money that is owed you. That is valid. If I were in your shoes, maybe I would want the same thing. But I have to confess that if the desire to get what was owed me had put me through the kind of turmoil your ordeal has subjected you to and shown me the kind of ugliness about a close family member that you have seen...I'm not sure I could care about the money enough to keep going. Because in the end, getting the money wouldn't really help me that much with the emotional distress I had suffered with for so long. I think this is what the delays are trying to communicate to you: in the end, you will have the money, but you will not have a parent who has behaved honorably (or legally) and you may not have any more closure about the situation than you do at this moment. My advice, if you're going to try to keep going in this fight, is to accept that and take your emotions out of it. Pursue the settlement like you would any other business goal. Then consider long-term therapy to sort out your feelings about your family situation, if you haven't already. It sounds to me like there could be some issues to resolve there.

[demgurl]

12. BlueIris....

Yes, the money is important but more for my kids than anything else. If we had that money then we would not have to worry about losing the house like we almost did five or six years ago. My husband does independent contracting and with this economy we just do not know if his one year contract will be extended. If it is extended then it will only be an extra year and then we are not sure what direction we will go in. Also, I do not have the education my husband does so if anything ever happened to him then the kids and I would loose everything. I would even loose my kids since I would be homeless. It was truly a Godsend when I learned how much my Great Uncle was supposed to leave to me. It was a nightmare thinking that my Mom put a price tag on what our relationship is worth.

I have become more spiritually aware in the last four or five years and I understand money is not everything. I have tried to weigh out everything and I know I have already lost my mother. She threatened me when I told her I might hire a lawyer. She screamed at me and brought me to my knees in tears. I (lied) told her that my father-in-law (a rich businessman)advised that in a situation with this sort of magnitude of money that you should always hire a lawyer to oversee everything. She told me she would never talk to me again if I did this. I took a step back since I did not have any proof at that point. She went to court and used this against my relatives! Mom's lawyer argued that if I, as a residual beneficiary, were patient and waiting nicely for my money then my relatives should as well. The lawyer agreed never mind that Mom knew I was not patient and that I had been threatened by her into not hiring a lawyer.

At first I was determined that the kids would never know about any of this and that she should not be cut off from my children. This was all me, not her. I actually sent her pictures of the kids so she would have them. Not sure if she even opened the envelopes. I later decided that she has been toxic to me for a very long time and that the boys would not need that sort of influence in their lives.

One of Mom's friends contacted me and said that we should settle this without the lawyers. I made an offer tens of thousands of dollars below what I feel is owed but he basically laughed at my numbers. I begged with him and tried to convince him this was in Mom's best interest. I explained some of the inconsistencies and even told him that if the courts decide to do an audit then she may end up going to jail and she would have nothing.

I know my Mom and I know her lifestyle is one of the most important things to her. I fear she may now loose it all. With my accounting, and questions, she will have to redo my Uncle's taxes and she will have to pay back $60,000 into the estate. Admittedly this will come from Revenue Canada. But the Revenue Canada will not give back any money without her doing her own taxes and that will put her into a much higher tax bracket. We figure she will end up owing Revenue Canada about $70-80,000 and that does not include penalties. She will be in even deeper trouble if they decide to do the accounting themselves. I have seen the accounting and the money she stashed in my Uncle's accounts. She will owe over $100,000 in regular money plus taxes/penalties. Because she hid this money it may even end up in jail.

I told Mom's friend I knew he had guaranteed the money in the estate (I am told this is suspicious and highly unusual to do this) and he needed to reason with her because he might be held accountable for money owed. He would not give an inch. It will kill Mom if she has to go to jail. Her money and status are everything to her. Her friends won't have anything to do with her if she goes to jail. It must be a very scary situation she is in. The bad part is she gets 80% of the estate and I get 20%. So, most of the money she has taken is really hers.

Money/status means everything to her. When my Uncle died she tooled around town in his Mercedes Benz. She told me that the car company would not take back the leased car and because mileage allowance was so low on the car she ended up paying someone $4,000 a couple of months later to take the car. She said the penalties for returning the lease early would have been much steeper. Turns out the car dealer talked to mom the week my Uncle died and said there would be no fees if she were to return the car that week. She needed that car to feel good about herself. She really needs these things. You have to feel sorry for her because you know she is using these items to fill a void she has. I am not even sure she can really control herself.

Yes, this has had a physical and emotional toll on me. I am sure my lawyer would have gotten back to me sooner if I had hounded him more but I try to avoid this case because of the physical effects it has on me. I just try to put it in the back of my mind and ignore it. Maybe I am trying to take the easy way out and look for an excuse not to pursue it any more.

This money has never been mine. It has always been mine, my husband's and my children's. When I was hiring a second lawyer I talked to my husband and said it was his money as well and it looked like we may use up everything that the estate said I was owed by my Mom's accounting. I told him we may never prove fraud or recover any more money. His answer was to spend all of the money and that the principle of the thing was more important than getting a few thousand dollars. I agreed. I guess I am back to square one.

[Why Syzygy]

20. This is a heart wrenching thread.

How much did your uncle take with him? Zero. How much money did Howard Hughes leave? All of it.

You can't take it with you. We all end up in the same place. No money, no clothes, no clue.
Just like we entered, we exit. The middle part is all a game. Play it to your satisfaction.
Do not be a slave to other people's emotions.

I'm telling myself this as much as I am telling you. Because I have taken the game way too seriously up to now. But I'm studying Tao. Middle Path. Right here, right now, all that matters.
Make the most of it.

[Coyote_Bandit]

14. I assure you

that the legal system is about "justice" only in a generalized, generic sense.

Anyone who is a party and participant in our justice system would be well advised to measure the costs of their participation - and know when to withdraw from further involvement. Those costs can be financial, emotional, relational, out of pocket or come in the form of unrealized potential. Courtroom participation is always adversarial and it always requires time. Only the individual involved can fully contemplate those costs and decide what price is too high to pay. Unfortunately, most do not fully realize those costs.

This situation is all about the money. You have made yourself the one person in this case who is "fighting for principle." In doing so you have allowed both your relatives and your attorney to use you for their benefit. You were the one who paid the cost. Your relatives got their specific bequests and perhaps they got them earlier than they might have otherwise. Lots of lawyers including your own collected their fees - or will. And you sacrificed for their benefit when you chose to fight for principle rather than consider your own interests. The effect of that decision was that being right became more important than any potential financial benefit. And now you are reaping the consequences of that choice.

Perhaps it would be an interesting exercise to contemplate the specifics of this situation. Do you feel entitled to receive anything at all from this estate? If so, why? Why did you feel like you had to fight for principle? What if you are right but the dispute is not legally resolved in your favor? Which is more important the money or the principle? Does fighting for principle mean that you should be financially rewarded? Does being right guarantee a favorable outcome? Does money really offer security?

My guess is that your desires, like those of the others involved, simply mask deeper issues. They usually do. And they usually are the product of fear or greed. My sense from your comments here is that you are not greedy. But I do sense that perhaps you are fearful based on the uncertainties you describe.

Perhaps I should add that my comments and observations are the product of my background, experience and observations. I worked in trust administration and investment management. I supervised litigation in a five state area and directed the course of litigation pursued by the attorneys contracted by our company. And I am licensed to practice law in two states.

I wish you the best.

[demgurl]

23. Coyote_Bandit...

Thank you so much for your insights. I have read and reread them and will do so again. I feel I must do this to fully take in everything you have said. I will try to address the few questions you asked:

Perhaps it would be an interesting exercise to contemplate the specifics of this situation. Do you feel entitled to receive anything at all from this estate? If so, why? Yes, I do feel entitled because that is what my Uncle said he wanted me to have. This is what I know he would want. I take any money left to me without any guilty conscience. I sent my Uncle an email after my Great Aunt (his sister) died. Everyone swarmed around him to remind him that she had not left ALL of them money. They said they were relatives as well and to please remember this in his will! I told him to spend all of his money as he saw fit and to please do so while he was alive. My Aunt was too old to enjoy the money she had and so I encouraged him to take a trip to Scotland to play gold or to Florida. (he went there once a year to play golf). I told him to enjoy the money whole he had the health to do so and not to mind anyone.

I wanted him to spend any and all money he had while he was alive. I can not understand it when I see people mad because THEIR inheritance is being spent. They did not do anything to earn that money and so what say do they have? The person who earned the money should enjoy it as fully as they are able.

Why did you feel like you had to fight for principle? My cousins sought me out. They went through a lot of trouble since they could not ask Mom for my information and I did not speak to my Dad any more. (he beat me up while I was pregnant) They said they needed this and I felt that the only reason for me to say no is that I would be selfish in want to preserve any relationship that might be left with my mother. I have come a long way in trying to live my life right. It is now more than doing the right thing. Now what I do defines who I am and who I strive to be as a person. The question, to me, is not why would I do it as much as why wouldn't I do it? Anyway, how much of a relationship could I preserve with Mom if she was stealing tens of thousands of dollars from me?

What if you are right but the dispute is not legally resolved in your favor? Then at least I can live with myself at the end of the day. I can look in the mirror and be proud of the person I have fought to become.

May I go on a bit of a tangent about high school? My high school teacher talked about New Years resolutions. He asked what we all were resolved to do. After our average answers he pointed out how many people say they will lose weight, quit smoking, etc...and how many people drop it. He pointed out that these things do not change who you are inside. He said to make ourselves better people we should try a New Year's resolution such as not putting up with gossip. He asked if we had ever been in a room where someone was being bad mouthed. He noted how people who dissent sit there quietly instead of speaking out against the group. He said the best way to change, and make yourself better, is to stand up for that person and speak out to the group.

I have done this more than once and my husband lost very good friends because of it. This has changed me and made me stronger. I have tried to teach these concepts to my children although I know it will be years before they fully understand such a concept.

It is so much easier to go with the flow and not cause waves in any form. A strong person will take the right path instead of the easy one. Sometimes these will overlap but most of they time they will not.

By standing up to my Mom I will have made myself a better person. I will be stronger. I may not be richer and the courts may not rule for me but I will have gone that much further in the hopes of becoming the best person I possibly can be.

Which is more important the money or the principle? The principle is always more important. I am lucky enough to be married to someone who also feels this way. It is not even the principle as much as testing myself to see if a few years of trying to overcome hate and vengeance has really taken. I had an epiphany a few years back and finally understood the connection of humans. I always sat in amazement admiring people who could forgive their rapist or their child's killer. I always wanted to achieve that but felt I would never understand or be able to do it. I finally had this one moment where it all came together for me. I worked on it for about 3-4 years before this happened but it did happen. The most important thing is what I have achieved. I wish I could explain it to people like my kids but I know just saying things like this does not make it happen. I truly hope my children have this sort of light bulb moment and come to see the world in a new light. I really feel I have come to find a higher plateau in my life and am better for it.

Does fighting for principle mean that you should be financially rewarded? No, it does not mean I should be financially rewarded. It means that I may be spiritually rewarded, though. It has been a long inner battle and this is the payoff. I do not wish my Mom harm. I do not harbor resentment or plan revenge. There was a time when I would be consumed with different ways to exact my revenge. No one is owed or promised anything in this life.

Does being right guarantee a favorable outcome? I already have a favorable outcome. I can grow from this and hopefully be able to pass on even more wisdom to my children. I was not a good child and perhaps that was because I was raised in a single parent household. I have tried, in the last ten years, to show my Mom how much I have grown. She never did see past my spoiled childhood and the things I did that rightly made her distant. We honestly should have cut all ties years ago. She was a very toxic force in my life. She was abused by my father (at one time he ruptured her eardrum when he punched her) and, yet, she took his side when he beat me up! She has so many problems and I was never the answer. In fact, when I was young, I was the problem. I think she may be better off without me and I am better off without her. The fact that ties are cut so cleanly is a favorable outcome.

Of course, these favorable outcomes are for me. I hate that the children will not know their grandmother. It is sadder that she will not know such wonderful children as they are. I still talk about her to them- - so much so that my son insisted I email her pictures of his ballet recital last June. I sent them to her ex-boyfriend stating she may just delete an email from me but I hoped he would pass it on and whatever she did with it was up to her at that point. I honestly hope she looked at them. She is missing so much and he was very proud of that moment. He even got a medal!

Does money really offer security? It will offer security from becoming homeless - especially in this economy. I always said I do not care about winning millions in the lottery because I just want the stability of knowing my house is paid in full.

Money, in general, is no guarantee of security. Just look at what has happened to my Mom. She is not secure in any way. It has even ripped her of the last of her family. No, money does not provide security. It will provide a house that, with love, you can make a home.