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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 06:59 PM
Original message
I am so conflicted
Last Friday, my step-father committed suicide. He shot himself in bed under his chin.

He was 74, and in the midst of grief that he had carried for four years since my Mom died. His grief apparently translated into imaginary painful symptoms which he felt he could no longer tolerate.

His name was Donald, and he was a very gentle and intelligent man. And, I loved him. He was also very headstrong, and, as far back as I can remember about him (I was a teenager when he came into my life, and now I am in my fifties), no one could ever talk him out of anything when he had made up his mind.

During the last year of my mother's life, she required a lot of emotional support (don't want to go into detail), and Donald was very there for her.

I recently discovered on the internet, that, after my mom died, Donald paid for a newpaper blurb in the state they moved from (NY) so that my mom's old friends would know she had died. He really loved her.

I am feeling very badly about myself because, aside from Donald treating my Mom so well, he was not very nice to her children. And, this was exacerbated because they had a baby between them (Andy), and, as a teen-ager living in that household, I knew that (1) It was not good to think that my father ever existed (we were told never to talk about my Dad by our Mom); and, (2) we saw the differential treatment (my baby sister was 7 and was never accepted by Donald) that was paid to the new baby.

Why I am feeling badly about myself, is that, while I know that Donald was basically a good man, he did not ever accept my mother's children, and, since my Mom died first, he made sure that the condo that they both lived in would only go to his son. And, this has made me very angry.

Interestingly, that condo was bought by the sale of a house that my father built.

So, the conflict comes from the fact that I did some research, and I saw that Donald removed my Mom after she died from the deed of that condo, and added his sister. And, there was no will when she died to assure that all his wife's children would be heirs. The only heir here is his son because his sister will make sure of this.

Ok, so here is what has happened in a nutshell. Back in the late fifties, my dad built a house. He worked very hard to add patios, gardens, etc. to this home.

He died in 1964, and, he left my mom significant life insurance (he was only 42).

I think my mom applied a lot of that money to pay off the house.

Then, two years later, she and Donald agree to marry (she is pregnant). He moves in with us, and the rest is history.

What I want to ask is twofold (to anyone who has some psychic ability): (1) Would my Mom want the property to go to all five of her children?
(2) Will Donald's sister think about what is right and do what her heart dictates (she is a wonderful person)?

Thanks in advance to all here.

Also, I think that Donald is now with my Mom, but, if this is not the case, please pray that he is now in a good place. As I said, he was, inside, a very good man.

Thank you all.


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Delphinus Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:04 PM
Response to Original message
1. Hope,
first and foremost, :hug:

I'm glad you shared your quandry with us.
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Quakerfriend Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:17 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. So sorry, for your loss Hope. I am not psychic but,
I would suggest that you turn it over to the light and just pray for the best outcome for all.

Most of all do not let it errupt into a family squabble because, your mom would definitely not have wanted that. I have been there and it is difficult- especially when there is a second marriage.
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:28 PM
Response to Reply #2
5. This is why I brought this issue here, Quakerfriend
thanks.
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:27 PM
Response to Reply #1
4. Thank you, Delphinus
very much so.

:loveya:
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BlueIris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:26 PM
Response to Original message
3. Please accept my condolences.
I am not (really) psychic, but in reading your post, I have a hopeful, tranquil feeling, if that matters to you at all.
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 07:31 PM
Response to Reply #3
6. Thank you,
Thank you very much, BlueIris. You might be right.
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LiberalEsto Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 08:54 PM
Response to Original message
7. I had a somewhat similar situation years ago
except that the stepmother who got my father's share of their house and beach condo was not nice. She did everything she could to keep me and my brother from seeing our father the moment she married my dad.

My message here is that your situation isn't pleasant, but it could have been really ugly like what happened in my family. Please don't let it create a rift among the siblings. It's unfortunate the way he left the condo, but it was legal, even if unfair. What happened to me and my brother left a lot of hurt and anger.

My father's will left everything to me and my brother. My father bought his house and condo with his own money (from selling my parents' old house).

After he had a stroke and recovered a bit, that woman whisked him off to the Florida condo, to keep him away from us. Then he got sicker. She didn't let us know, but a family friend in Florida found out and called me. I would have tried to scrape together money to fly down, but my two small children had the flu.

As my dad deteriorated, (the hospital nurses later told me) this woman sat in my father's room with a lawyer and two witnesses. She wanted him to deed he owned everything to her. He refused, but she nagged promised to let him go home to die. By this time he was blind and half-paralyzed. He signed. (the nurse told me that that woman was like a vulture)

She took him home for one night (I later learned), then decided she to put him in a nursing home. Our family friend found out where he was, and I was able to call and talk to him one last time.The next morning a nurse called to say my father had died.

It turned out that that woman got my dad to sign everything he owned over to her and because there was nothing left that wasn't hers, there was no reason to file the will. A number of lawyers told me I had plenty of evidence for a lawsuit, but without a big retainer, nobody would take the case. I was completely broke and unable to do a thing about it.

It wasn't a lot of money or property. It would have helped my kids with college tuition. That woman had plenty of money of her own, and made my dad pay for everything. When I think how little money we had when I was growing up and how hard he and my mom struggled to save a bit, it makes me furious that that woman, who didn't need it, was able to steal it all by manipulating the law.
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 12:57 PM
Response to Reply #7
11. Such a tragic story
I am sorry this happened to you. I understand what you mean about avoiding a rift between my half-brother and myself, and I intend to do this.

He is worth far more to me than any money ever would.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me.
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I Have A Dream Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 09:09 PM
Response to Original message
8. I'm sorry that this is happening to you, Hope2006.
I don't have any psychic ability, but I hope that some of our gifted "family" will be able to give you some information.

When things like this happen to me, I try to view it as karma that I'm burning off, and I try to figure out the lesson that I'm supposed to learn from the experience. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it at least puts it into a different light.

Is there any chance that your brother who will ultimately inherit everything might understand that it's unfair and decide that the right thing to do would be to share the inheritance with you and your other siblings?

Regardless of what happens, I hope that you are able to find peace. It's wonderful to see that you can see the good that was in your stepfather even though he hurt you. As you requested, I ask that the Universe help to direct your stepfather to a place of peace and light. (This or something better for the highest good of all involved.)
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 01:00 PM
Response to Reply #8
12. Thank you for this, I Have a Dream
I think that my brother is a good man, and he may decide to do the fair thing. But, if not, I intend to maintain a peaceful relationship with him.

Thank you very much for the prayer for my step-father. I believe he deserves peace after all he went through over the last four years.

:loveya:
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I Have A Dream Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 01:14 PM
Response to Reply #12
14. One other thing that I feel that I should mention is that...
you stated the following:

Why I am feeling badly about myself, is that, while I know that Donald was basically a good man, he did not ever accept my mother's children, and, since my Mom died first, he made sure that the condo that they both lived in would only go to his son. And, this has made me very angry.

From this, I think that you feel as though you shouldn't be angry. Personally, I don't think that there's anything wrong with having your emotions; you wouldn't be human if you didn't have them. It's what you do with them that is the problem. Many people who do not feel that it's spiritually evolved to feel such emotions just push them into their subconscience and don't admit to the feelings. However, the feelings are still there regardless of whether they admit it. All kinds of physical ailments and mental problems can be caused by doing this. Therefore, I think that it's a very good thing that you admit to these feelings. I think that you just need to ask from the Universe that this feeling be gently released/transformed so that you no longer feel the anger. It may take a while, but if you do this with sincerity, there's a good chance that you'll come to a peaceful place in reference to the situation.

:hug:
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-06-06 05:40 PM
Response to Reply #14
18. I understand completely, I Have a Dream
and, I did ask to have the anger removed from me (I was pretty desperate when I asked this as the pain was pretty bad at the time).

I do feel calmer and more accepting.

I hope that Donald's sister does the right thing -- whatever it is that is right for all of us. Not sure what that is, but, right now, I am just grateful that the intensity seems to have left me.

Thank you!!
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Cleita Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Mar-04-06 10:52 PM
Response to Original message
9. Oh dear the money thing.
Edited on Sat Mar-04-06 11:16 PM by Cleita
Remember that until someone gives you their property it isn't yours but their's to give as they choose. If your mother didn't have a will, her estate would go to the heirs, as the state she died in, has designated by the rules of inheritance, perhaps unfairly but that's how it goes.

I had the same thing in my family. When my husband divorced his first wife, he gave her the house. Also, he paid her alimony so she could pay off the mortgage. When real estate prices rocketed to untold heights, she sold the house for half a million dollars. They had paid $40,000 for it.

When she died, their only daughter got the money. Before that we had friends of ours coming to us saying that he should sue for his share because after all she wouldn't have been able to pay the mortgage if he hadn't supported her. He also wouldn't have been able to support her if I hadn't worked to help our situation out.

Now what a petty thing, we thought. He and I of course did nothing about this and were happy his daughter got the money when she passed. She deserved it for taking care of her mother, who had Alzheimers, to the end. To make a long story short, we went our way, she and her husband bought a fixer-upper ranch on the Central coast of California.

We would drop by to visit, every year, and when my husband fell sick, my stepdaughter and her husband took us in. We rented a small mobile on their property, a place that wouldn't have existed if we had demanded money from the sale of her mother's house. They helped me to look after him when I needed help.

When he died they asked me to stay on. Now, if we had wallowed in all that greed, would things have been better?

I know that you feel left out because Donald didn't care about you like he did your youngest sibling, but really you need to put it behind you and still think the nice things that you admire about these people. The money your mother had and that she got from your father was hers to use as she wanted to and when Donald got it, his to use as he wanted to.
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 01:03 PM
Response to Reply #9
13. You make good sense, Cleita
and, I am trying very hard to let this go. I do feel a little more peaceful today, and so I thank you and everyone here who responded to my post because it has helped me to put this more into perspective.

Thank you very much!
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DemExpat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 11:12 AM
Response to Original message
10. Hope, my condolences here.....it is a bittersweet story.
Not being a psychic, my feelings (based on personal experience) about this situation are such:

You are a wonderful daughter for acknowledging the love and good care that your Mom received from your step-father while having felt the pain of his preference for his biological child.

As far as the house goes, my feelings would be to let it be as is, for your Mom - perhaps because she just didn't pay close attention to (or lacked knowledge of) heritage issues while she was alive - would have made it a strong point to include her 5 children in her will.

It would bother me greatly at first, but I would do all I could to accept the situation and not cause further contention within the family. Difficult to do, as is evident in so many terrible conflicts over inheritances that we hear about all of the time, but necessary for peace and goodwill IMO.

Besides, there is very little you can do to make it seem fair to all, isn't there?

:hug:

DemEx
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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-06-06 05:44 PM
Response to Reply #10
19. It's difficult for me to understand my mother and how she thought
I think some of my anger was definitely directed toward her -- not the first time, for sure! But, I do understand myself a little, and it comes from a place of not feeling important to her which is something I felt pretty much my entire childhood.

So, the anger was covering the hurt that has always been there.

You are right, though, there is nothing I can do, and, I am working very hard to move on and to let this go (and to see it for what it really is!).

Thank you very much!!
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cassiepriam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Mar-05-06 04:55 PM
Response to Original message
15. Death, loss, betrayal, greed, money, family, love, anger, hurt.
The feelings involved are very powerful. And they go back to your father's death and what he meant to you. Then your mother's death, and then your step father's suicide. All the family dynamics from many years ago come hitting you with full force.

This is such a painful upsetting situation in so many ways, and complicated. So many ways to examine it: legally, psychologically, spiritually.

No wonder you are confused, and feel bad. There are no easy answers or solutions.

Dream is right that you are supposed to acknowledge the feelings you have. We are put here on Earth in human bodies to experience life in all its complexities, pain as well as joy. And the situation you describe has all the earmarks of a karmic situation of some sort. Most likely some lessons here for all concerned.

Just some ideas to think about:

At this point I do not know what your options are legally. Does not sound like you have a good case, but you would have to check with an attorney to see if you even have any legal options.

Your mother made her choices along the way about what to do with your father's money. These choices many not have been conscious or deliberate but nonetheless choices. If she had wanted the assets to be divided equally she could have made a will to that effect. She could have discussed the financial affairs with her children before she died. At this point the home is legally owned by your step father's sister and will go to the heir(s) designated in her will. You cannot be naive and assume she will do the right thing. And the question also is will Andy do the right thing? He has some hard choices ahead of him. If he takes the assets all for himself, it will cause bad blood among his siblings. Andy will walk away with the money, but he will have damaged his relationships with his siblings forever. And he will accrue some karmic debt to be worked out in future lives.

As is often the case when parents do not put things in writing and do not make things equitable in a will there are very bad feelings among the children. Your parents put the children in a very bad place.

BTW this is an all too familiar situation for many. Many times parents for one reason or anther, give most of the family assets to one child, and ignore the others. This is very very painful, and goes way beyond the money involved. All I can say is that you should pray for guidance to do the right thing, that you act according to universal law, that do not let this situation eat away at you for too long. You are only losing some money, your step father lost some of his soul with his greed and your brother faces an important karmic dilemma, he may lose some of his soul as well.

Money is an asset only here on earth. In the afterlife the only thing we have is our soul. And no one can ever take that from us.

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cassiepriam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-06-06 05:09 AM
Response to Reply #15
16.  Your father, he is the one that I feel most strongly.
When reading your post, I noticed the energy right away that Blue Iris sensed. A very nice calm, dear kind of energy. I thought at first it might be the love between your step dad and mom that was coming through, and that may well be a piece of it. But I did not get any energy at all from your mom and step dad.

But later I felt your Dad's energy, and when I meditated it was definitely your father, who died young and left his children behind. Your real father, not the step dad who just died.

Your father's energy is different from most of the souls who come to me. I do not know what he was like when he was here on Earth with you. But now his energy is quietly expansive, sunny, larger than most. Big, sunny, but nice and OK. If that makes any sense? I am not sure if that is how he really is in the spirit world, or if he is just trying to make sure I understand the pertinent points of his message. Most souls hang in very specific place in my aura, but your Dad's energy goes beyond that typical place. I like him and it is very OK. He keeps going to my forehead, I am not sure what that means, but he is getting my attention with it.

The feeling I get from him is very much love to his children, you. He wants you to feel his love, and he is sorry that he had to leave you. He was worried about your mother handling it all after he died, but he is glad that she used the money for a house so the family could be together, and that she found a man to love her and take care of her. She was young to be a widow and he is happy that she moved on with a new life.

A place for all of you to live seems somehow very important to your father. He is happy the money went into the house when you were still minor children, that is more important than you having the money now. The house for you all is more important to him and he is happy about that. (I am wondering what his birthdate was? Did he have a lot of earth, and some fire?)

He says the money in question was HIS money, he left it to your mother, and she did the right thing with it, getting a home and a man who loved her. The rest is not important.

He says again that the money in question was HIS money, he gave it to your mother and she did the right thing with it. His children had a home and were kept together. What happens know he does not care about. The money served the purpose that was important to him. And now the money will allow other people to work on their own karmic issues that are no longer about him. He hopes that his money does not cause damage that goes on down the generations, to the children, the cousins, etc. causing ancestral karma for future generations.

He loves you and your siblings, he wants you to know that. He keeps saying that his love is more valuable to you than his money, somehow if you can tap into his love for you, this situation you face right now will become more clear.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful. I have had mediumistic experiences for some time, but am just beginning to be more open with it. So I may not know what I am doing!

I also sent you some healing energy last night.


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Grateful for Hope Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-06-06 05:37 PM
Response to Reply #16
17. It is so interesting that you are feeling my father the most strongly
We aren't completely sure when Donald actually died, but, it might have been late the night of 2/23, which was my father's birthday. The date of his death is March 7, 1964 -- pretty close to this date also.

I can understand what he seems to be trying to tell you -- that love is far more valuable that money, and that he loves us.

And, it was HIS money -- not ours ...LOL!

I am kind of speechless about this as I haven't ever felt him around me (I have felt my husband, who died 10 years ago, and my mother).

I have pretty much given up my anger (I asked for it to be removed, and, I also checked into some legal things). I found out that there is nothing I can do (was pretty relieved, actually), and that the condo is really not worth a whole lot anyway (again, I was relieved). It is also a great relief not to be carrying around the anger, and I have been able to sleep a little better the last few nights.

I appreciate the healing energy you sent, cassiepriam, as I am sure some of the calm I am feeling is due, in part, to this energy.
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cassiepriam Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Mar-06-06 06:47 PM
Response to Reply #17
20. Yes I was surprised too
Edited on Mon Mar-06-06 06:48 PM by cassiepriam
I thought it would be your mother, if anything was to come to me.

But several hours after your post it was your father's energy I felt very clearly. Strange I thought, since he was not a big part of your post.

But now looking at what he had to say, I guess he was one of the most important parts of your post, but perhaps we did not see it.

BTW I didn't really want to put HIS money in capitals like that, but that was the communication sent to me. I am trying hard to not censor or filter messages. There was a feeling of him making a point and putting his foot down and the HIS needed to be emphasized to reflect that. He also kept showing me that he had worked on the family home a lot while he was alive, like you said in the post.

Your father was a Pisces like I am, his birthday two days away from mine. With all that home emphasis I thought he would be more earthy, but perhaps other parts of chart have the earth emphasis. The home for the family was important to him.

Also karmically I think that people leaving and entering the planet at the same time may be important. Two father figures have left you at about the same time of the year. It is possible you have karmic ties to both men.

I am very glad that you are feeling better. I will meditate again tonight and send you healing energy. Actually it is your father who may be helping you a great deal right now, but I will send some too.
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