Poverty consciousness and more grief...

[FirstLight]

Invalidated, wow is that the word for this time or what?
I am going on a year of being unemployed and I feel so much like i have nothing to offer of value that it makes it hard to move forward in many ways...As tough as my own struggles and welfare issues and such ARE - I am also hearing a lot of stories of friends and older people who were thinking they had their lives 'set' and now thay too are in the same boat..floundering to keep their heads above water, taking 'handouts' from others or govt because it is they only way to get by, and wondering if they will ever be able to rebuild all they have lost. Or if rebuilding is even an option when the rest of the planet is upside down...

It struck me yesterday as I was dealing with this on a personal level - that the feeling of loss of success or the feelings of 'dependence' on something other than oneself has come to be a very different thing than in tribal societies of the past. Now it is a shaming feeling to use food stamps, even if 1/4 of the country is doing the same. It used to be that we could barter our talents or skills to our tribespeople and then we would be cared for - even if we weren;t doing the hunting or gathering. Now, the 'me' generation and greed of the 80s is coming back and biting us in the collective ass...and the concept of compassion or even trade for living needs is completely foreign to mos in the western capitalist socieies.

And personally...it affects me so much! the feeling that i "should" be doing better than this. That I am 'less than' because i have assistance with my housing or my food ... the feeling that my life is somehow failed because i don't have a social life or "the career." I feel isolated and alone...and it makes it hard to be friends with my girl scout mommies & others because i am worried they wil judge me if they find out i'm on welfare. It becomes harder to try and foster even professional relationships because i feel i am selling myself and it is big lie. Like telling people i am a freelancer when the reality is i have ONE client who has next to NO money and the rest of the time i am too scared to apply for the gigs i want because i feel inadequate...even if i know i am qualified.

i know i am rambling, but this is the stuff that has been drifting in & out of my space for the past 2 days and it isn't very fun.

I really need to feel validated and though my Soul knows the reason i feel 'unworth' is because of my disconnection to my spirit and Great Spirit and my guides, But the reality is that I feel like a very small piglet and it is a lonely place to be ...


(I also recognize that cellular memory is ver big part of this...my abusive marriage really broke up over christmas and my birthday (jan 1st) and my 40th is coming up fast and the clock is ticking to get things 'right'...

[OneGrassRoot]

1. Hey, FirstLight....

In reading the thread of Karen Bishop's latest posted by Delphinus, I thought of you the whole time...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.ph...

I identify with much of what you've so bravely shared here. So very much....*sighs*. Especially the sense of isolation we can, without realizing it, impose upon ourselves due to the lack of self-worth when we compare ourselves and our lives to others. On one level we KNOW not to do that; still, we do.

I have a feeling many, many others identify, especially nowadays.

As always, no words of wisdom from me, just an acknowledgment that I hear you, I see you. You are a wise, loving, brilliant woman, and I see you walking this path and diving into your own understanding and evolution without needing others' wisdom.

But I will hold your hand along the way....

[Delphinus]

2. {{hugs}}

Oh, FirstLight, I hear you. This is a very difficult place to be. We are not on this Earth to do it alone - the human species is a social species and we need each other, despite the mythos of rugged individualism.

These feelings of worth are a huge and difficult struggle. I wish I knew what to say to salve your wounds and help you feel how truly magnificent your are - I do not, and can only let you know that I stand here with you as you walk this road to health and well-being.

Don't worry about getting things right - you don't need that added pressure. You're here to live *your* life, not something that society imposes upon you.

Go for a nice long walk - go be out in nature. Feel her; drink her in; breathe it deeply into your body. Let your roots go deeply into the ground and then, when centered, feel your connection to the Spirit above. Become this pillar of light, from the Earth to the Sky. This is Spirit holding you, letting you know you are not alone.

[Sanity Claws]

3. First Light

I have similar issues. I'm living off savings and haven't worked in a long time.
I think everything we heard about careers and so forth is nothing but a lie -- an illusion.
I feel sorry for people who are still struggling to find that perfect corporate career and security -- they are grasping at Maya, just as Maya is shifting into a different form.

Don't fear others judging you. They are the ones who have not yet awaken to the fact that everything we have been fed is a lie. Find people to reach out to; the Creator can work miracles but most of his miracles come through others we interact with.

Keep us informed on how things are going for you.

[Kookaburra]

4. Oh Sweetie,

I know how you're feeling -- you are so not alone in this -- and I honor and commend your for saying it, because so many are in denial. It feels to me like this is the initial shift in consciousness that we are all going to have to make before the BIG shift.

I'm sending you light and strength. You are not alone.

[northernlights]

5. (((hugs))))

FirstLight, you are not alone. When I was about your age, after having saved 10%+ of my income for 10 years I had a *negative* net worth of $20K after St. Raygun wiped out the condo market with the stroke of a pen and Bush 1 trashed the economy. I spent 18 months out of regular work, living off a combination of free lance work from a former manger who now was in *my* old job and couldn't do it, free lance work from a former colleague who threw what little he had my way, and unemployment.

Then out of the blue, two managers who knew me threw a huge contract in my direction. Actually, it wasn't totally out of the blue. I was physically exhausted and *needed* the time to myself. And then as my free lance work began to dry up, I sat down and meditated that I was ready to return to regular work, at least for a 3-4 months. And I let that manifestation *go* out to the universe. One week later, the call came and the contract was initially for 3 or 4 months. 3 months into it, I thought I could stand it, and the manager who had hired me left and I was moved into her position. And within a few years, my mortgage was paid off, my old car replaced and I had savings up the kazoo.

And then came W. This time, not only was I dumped, but the former colleague sitting in my old job called me a loser. Oh, and along with his wife (a VP at Fidelity) is part of the identity theft ring that stole my identity. All my former friends pretty much disappeared. I was driven out of my home by a registered sex offender.

I've been out of work and forced to live off my savings since February 2002, except for 18 months at the local right wing christian wingnut tourism factory that literally poisoned me, harassed me in my home and assaulted my animals (before they happily went under). And my brief summer stint at Subway and now at the financial company which is its own kind of hell.

As you know now I'm back at school trying to learn something that will keep me gainfully employed in a decent industry, only to have been lied to and cheated by the school advisor. Lied to and cheated by the National Chain realtor. Driven to sell off gifts this past summer to buy some hay for the horses. And now being screwed over royally by a lackey company to "the Masters of the Universe who are kicking me from all directions, every chance they get.

I have learned the hard way that I have no friends locally and can trust nobody except my dentist and 2 local farmers. My neighbors are mostly petty thieves. The state university is cheating middle-aged people to pay for the educations of the young, who go for free, get the internships, the grants and the loans. There is literally nobody locally that I can talk to beyond polite pleasantries. Nobody who "gets it."

We are all very small piglets in this war, because that is what it is. A war between the so-called "Masters of the Universe" and everybody else. The trillions in zero-interest bank loans that were supposed to go to business loans, mortgages, education loans, etc. are instead being hoarded by the banks and used to further gambling. The rest of us a literally left to fend for ourselves for now.

This past decade has been a crucible. We will get through it, but we will not be the same.

Please remember this. Maybe the girl scout moms will reject you. Maybe they won't. You won't know until you give them a chance. If they reject you, then they aren't the kind of people you want to be around anyway. And in that case, better that you know than wonder.

Same with work. If they reject you, it is their loss. This past decade has been a crucible. We will get through it, but we will not be the same.

It's hard, but try to be grateful for what you have. Roof over your head, warmth, food, family. And time. You do have time...

[Sienna86]

6. I wonder

how many of those scout moms are going through their own personal struggles? As we go through this current change on the globe, there are many who are keeping up appearances - for as long as they can. Perhaps if you reached out, you may discover a caring friend. And as was said before, if someone thinks less of you because you receive assistance, they don't deserve your friendship.

I will always be here to offer you support and optimism for a better future.

[FirstLight]

7. You guys ALL rock

I have a huge headache today (went out and karaoke'd till 3am...so i guess i DO have some kind of social life, lol) and will post more when the fog dissapates. I just wanted to thank you guys for weighing in and letting me know i am not alone... agree that this 'time' is part of our transformation, and going through the eye of the needle isn't the most comfortable of events, eh?

[get the red out]

8. Bless you

It is time for people to all realize we are in this together and not divide ourselves by judgement so much. We need a more cooperative society, this shallow competition in our society has cost so much.

I hope things improve for you soon. It is easy to see that most people are just a job loss away from a hard time right now. I just wish things would improve.

[rumpel]

9. FirstLight

if you have a chance listen to this lady:

The Holographic Canvas

Sonia Barrett, like many, has been a seeker of more expansive knowledge since childhood. Her curiosity and persistence has guided her to a greater understanding of the veils behind which collective conscious is shrouded. Sonia was born in Jamaica and at the age of 13 she moved to the United States with her parents. She later attended Roosevelt University in Chicago and majored in voice, pursuing a career in the entertainment industry. Her curiosities of the journey lead her to further studies of the science of the body and the process by which it is interwoven into the third dimensional matrix; a matrix spiraling out of an infinite number of other matrixes. Self empowerment is the foundation of all that she shares. Dependency is not encouraged. Her layman understanding of Quantum Physics widens her ability to intercept the simultaneous nature of timelines.
Sonia has authored The Holographic Canvas; The Fusing of Mind and Matter; and has written many articles exploring time travel, immortality, ascension and the science of past lives. Sonia presents concepts and ideas that stimulate thought and revives empowerment and her objective overall is to present clarity, insight and definition to a word now commonly used; the "matrix".

http://www.consciousmedianetwork.com/members/sbarrett.h...

I was going through the same feelings just a few days ago, she did oddly give me encouragement in a sense..

and remember you are never alone.

[FirstLight]

10. And my reading also turned up some yukky energy in my space

...I guess this is also part of what we are dealing with here....the light we emanate attracts the icky darkies who want to either shut us down or feed off of us energetically...

So perhaps the next step to feeling more validated is really OWNING my space and protections, boundaries and feelings, etc. I have been dealing with 'letting go' of the summer relationship that turned me into a weepy teen when it ended. Still having trouble disconnecting those cords too. So I could very well be attracting the shadow energies by having this obvious weakness in my field.

I dunno, just that i feel 'better' but still pretty un-motivated...but that could be due to a snow day and kids being home and not being able to concentrate!

[mntleo2]

11. I am a welfare advocate, Dear ...

...first of all our society defines "work" as *only* being paid work. Unpaid work such as the care of children, elders, friends, and neighbors, is "doing nothing." As if the ONLY way you "contribute" to our society is to be out there saying, "Do you want fries with that?" and the ONLY way you "contribute" is to make some rich man richer while working for pennies.

Know your worth. Whether or not society says you are "worthy" is not enough! Raising children is worthy work, it ensures our society's future. They will pay your Social Security, fight in our wars, run our country and care for us when we can no longer do it. Caring for elders honors the path they've blazed for you. Caring for yourself when you are fragile insures that you will be able to care for others when you get on your feet.

As a welfare advocate, the most obvious and sad thing is to see how our DSHS offices are actually trained to have disdain for you and the sense of superiority is something they just have. Don't buy it. They are wrong. Some of the most generous, hard working and insightful people I know are poor. These workers are actually trained and have a corporate culture that "show" them that the poor are not worthwhile ~ even though the poor is what gives them THEIR jobs.

Having a job is not having a family or people who care for you and you for them. Since all you are is another dollar maker for them, they will fire you when you are no longer useful to them, and find someone who will make them more money. Unlike ours, in other coutries family work is so valued that they give you PAID time to do it, such as Venezuela who pays stay-at-home care-takers a wage and European countries who give 2 or more yars of paid time off to do this work.

I had a friend once who earned her law degree after fleeing a domestic violence situation. She was a single mom and poor, desperate, and trying to go to school. Welfare doesn't allow school, they only want you to find work that will keep you and your family poor for the rest of your life. Even though poverty is an institutionalized System made for the rich to get richer, they assume poverty is all your fault and you are too "stupid" to do anything but the most menial of labor. My friend said, "Cat every time I walk into the Welfare office, I leave feeling just like I used to feel when my husband kicked the shit out of me ..." That was profound to me as she was talking about some very basic feelings that epitomized the whole System and what it does to further take what little a struggling person has inside and trample upon it. She fought the System and lost in some ways because she had to leave the medical and food assistance behind for herself and her kids to acheive her dream. Sometimes she and her kids starved and went homeless, but she does have her law degree as the first person in her family to graduate from college.

There is a reason why my friend felt that way at the welfare office. Do not be fooled ~ while many of its own workers would deny it, in truth its unspoken mission is to give that sense of failure and worthlessnes. But it is also the reason why my friend does family law now and is a fierce advocate for the poor. It is the reason I am an advocate too. We all have something to give, it is just about valuing it.

You are valuable. Life is about giving and sorry, while we seem to think a paid job is the *only* way to give, as the old saying goes, nobody has ever heard uttered at a deathbed, "I should have worked longer hours at the office ..."

PM me if you need some help or just someone to talk to. I've been there where you are, felt like a piece of dung, and I know it is hard.

Love,
Cat in Seattle

[FirstLight]

12. more beautiful and truer words never spoken...thank you

I have felt that way for years and KNOW that culture of disdain, etc all too well. I have been on & poff welfare for my entire adult life and always made the connection of being kicked while down. and i also refused to take it...i would be the one pushing for the signature to attend the training program or finding the prorgam for 'do gooders' that would help rather than harm. Unfortunately I had to become "known" by the system and get to know the system to fully know what my rights were and how to be my own advocate....and attract those kinds of workers to me

there are little programs like Family Self Sufficiency through Hud and Workers Investment Act funding through the EDD...but they are so obscure that you have to either be reccomended to them or really beat dow the doors to find out more about how to qualify. So sad, even the way we have to try and succeed in the system is set up like corporate groveling or some such nonsense.

Feelin pretty good today...as long as i don;t think about the layaway for christmas i hope i can afford and the $300 overdraft in my checking act that i have to figure out and my car registration, electric bill, etc...

but i am working a little this week and THANK GOD my mom is still around for moral support and to help with things in a pinch. I just hope she gets to se me 'make something' of myself before she leaves the planet! sheesh!
and as much as i know you are right about caretaing and house keeping and mothering being very important jobs - i have a hard time with that too. My folks were together, and my momn worked for "fun" when i was a teen, but was home my whole young life. I'm home, i work and stuff too...but i will also never be able to keep a house like she did! lol if that was the litmus paper, i'd be a miserable failure as a mom too!

just trying to get a grip and be the best me i can be, and own my own idiosyncrasies and life eperiences & wisdom as my unique gifts...rather than liabilities.

[mntleo2]

13. It helps to know the truth about DSHS

...that it is designed to make you feel worthless. I think one of the issues with people in poverty is about thinking it is all their fault and that they somehow are not good enough, smart enough, or able to function, when in fact, if you can function on the meager resources offered, this is true hero work.


We poor are often isolated from one another and so we take it personally when in fact we are caught in a web that is not of our making. This does not mean you don't own your choices, but it does mean that you see the bigger picture and what those choices were made under that you may not have understood at the time. There is nothing like empowerment when you get with a group and find out your story is theirs and it doesn't matter the color of your skin, the place where you came from, or who you are ~ and you will find this is true across the board if you can find a poverty empowerment group.

I go to the meetings with the Suits who run these programs and were appointed by our governor. It makes my skin crawl every time I leave there because of the cluelessness and general sense of superiority. You can go to these meetings in your community too. When you begin to rub shoulders with these people, you will put a true face on poverty for them. Look for the "region" number at your local DSHS office and then inquire when the meetings are.They have to make those meetings public so you can attend. You an attend as a citizen or go as a representative of a poverty group, it is not exclusive ~ though sometimes they try to make it so! LOL There they make decisions that will impact you and our family and you can have a voice to change it!

A few years ago a friend was attending those meetings where they were deciding to charge low income peope a fee for medical care, a co-payment. The most disgusting part of this was, the fee they collected would go directly to them, I am not making this up. This is with people who make around $60-90,000 per year + lots of bennies and they thought it should go back to them from out of the meager incomes of the poorest who made a tiny fraction of that ~ whom they were supposedly representing. My friend did some research on our laws and found they could not impose those fees without a legislative act. As the gavel was in the air, ready to come down and impose those fees, my friend arrived late because of traffic, but she came running down the aisle yelling, "Wait! You can't do that, here is why!" This welfare mom stopped some very impacting decisions that could have decimated low income people across the entire state and prevented them from seeking care when needed, thanks to her good work.

Often you will meet advocates there too who are truly amazing people~ there are thousands of well educated "Barak Obamas" who are community organizers out there who "get it." Just beware as many also do not get it ~ they are there mostly for themselves, so they can feel good that they are "caring about the little children or disabled, etc" I have just learned to appreciate the work no matter who it is and look past it ~ but believe me it is hard to know the true motives unless you have some good conversations with them. The reason motive is important to know is just WHY they are proposing or supporting something. I just keep in mind this saying that takes some time and observations: "Ye will know me by my works ..."

Love,
Cat

[mntleo2]

14. kick