I've reached the end of my rope.

[wolfgangmo]

I spend every day in excrutiating pain. It feels like I have been suspended in a vat of acid while knives are being plunged into my body over and over. I am left weak, dizzy, nauseated, and wishing for death to take the pain away. My pain meds, which were none too effective even when combined foolishly with alcohol have just gone up in cost 2000%. So I can't afford those anymore. I no longer have hope.

It all started 3 years ago when an idiot, driving a company car blew through a stop sign and ploughed into me. The idiot didn't have a drivers license but had been working for the company as a driver for over 2 years. I have had a spinal injury ever since. The auto insurance refused to pay for surgery to repair my spine. My insurance company wouldn't pay because the auto company should have paid. Catch 22 #1.

I lost my job because of my spinal injury (no longer able to perform my job) and so I lost my medical insurance. Catch 22 #2.

Luckily my wife was able to bring me into her small community clinic medical practice as an administrator but we don't make enough to actually pay me. I was happy to just be useful, but now that my health is deteriorating again, I am no longer even able to do that. Of course she doesn't have insurance either because as a self employed person she makes too much on paper to qualify for assistance. I've applied for SSI, SSD, state assistance, etc, but have been rejected again and again, largely because my original insurances should have paid for my care. I have applied for a private policy and been given a quote of about $6500 per month so that is not an option. Appently pre-existing conditions are still a cash cow for insurance companies. When did the phase in start again? No matter I can't afford to wait anymore.

Most days I am functional for an hour or two and the extra expenses and stress from taking care of me and paying all the bills by herself has made my wife pretty grumpy. She doesn't complain but I can see the writing on the walls. She is cracking under the pressure.I love her and I don't see any way to help her. My very existance causes her stress and pain and I can't stand it anymore. Catch 22 #3.

We bought a fixer upper house, our first, just before my accident and just before the economy collapsed. Now the house is starting to fall apart because I can no longer lift a finger to fix anything - it hurts too much and I am too paralyzed. And we are now underwater. Between my loss of income, the loss of value in our house, the expenses of uncovered care (which has eaten up all savings and retirement accounts), and my wifes student loans, we owe more than we will ever have again. There is no way out. If I don't find a solution my wife will spend the rest of her days living in squalor in order to pay this debt off. It's not hopeless for her tho', just for me.

The only solution I see to all of these problems lies in life insurance. With a large life policy I can in one moment, erase my pain, erase my wifes debt, give her some piece of mind, and set up my family to move on without me, providing them with a tax free nest egg. I've contacted an old friend and gotten a loan that he thinks is just to bridge the company over for a few years. But my plan is to pay him back with the insurance pay out.

Some of you may feel I am giving up and you are right. Some of you may think I am a coward and you are right. Some of you may think I have other options, but I don't see any other options. I am just one man who is tired.

I'll miss walking in the parks, snuggling with my wife, sunsets, kitten and a host of other things. But at least I will have done my duty and left my wife with the means to live again. And yes, I'm willing to take a bullet for that.

I am posting this because I wanted a chance to say goodbye to the good people on DU and because it is stories like mine in the hands of people like you that are the only hope for this country. Good luck.

[RandomThoughts]

1. For what is it really to overcome death?

To not die? Or to know dying does not matter...

[didact]

20. It seems so little coming from some who don't experience your pain...

It seems so little coming from some who don't experience your pain...but +1000 on the above post.

[mike_c]

2. please check your PM....

Please. I'm PMing you as soon as I hit the Post button.

[rzemanfl]

3. Where is your lawyer on this? Most insurance policies have a

suicide exclusion.

[Oregone]

4. Before you do anything drastic, please smoke a joint and think about this

It could also do wonders for your pain (I started medicinally a few months ago, and Ive gotten my life back).

If you still wanna give up, thats your thing. To each their own.

[Betty]

5. I don't mean to add to your stress

but surely the insurance won't pay on a suicide. Am I reading this right, you intend to kill yourself? If so, I think you're going to give your wife way more pain than she's suffering now. Can't you sue the company of the driver who caused all this?

[Warpy]

14. That was my thought

Even a lawyer who takes a stiff contingency fee is a great idea because he'll leave enough to afford pain medication on.

Suicide isn't the answer in this case, especially since the OP is now confessing to it before hand. No way to make it look accidental now.

Since they had an unlicensed driver working for them, that's gross negligence on their part and he can sue the company and even go after the owners.

[flamingdem]

6. Try posting this in General Discussion

Clearly you need the best pain management help.

Maybe try to post this in General Discussion for suggestions regarding insurance. Not so many people read the health subgroup.

One that I've heard good reports about:
http://www.uclapainmanagement.com /

[abq e streeter]

7. I'm not one to judge your pain, and the anguish from it

and the nightmarish , fucked up health and social services situation we live under. But I'm guessing that your wife would rather have you , no matter what shape you're in, than all the insurance money in the world. Just guessing, but I bet I'm right. Please please please think about that.

[hlthe2b]

8. Please take some time...

walk if you can, clear your head however you can. Call a mental health help line. You never know what answers they may be able to come up with for you. Off the top of my mind, I have to wonder if you are not eligible for disability and thus medicare?

I fear I must also pragmatically remind you that most insurance clauses have at least a two year (or greater) period before benefits would pay for non-accidental death.


Pain has a very loud voice... Won't you please work through an ER or wherever you have to go to get some immediate relief to buy yourself some time to find long term solutions? You are in my thoughts. I can only hope that you take that time... People care about you.

[Statistical]

9. Not judging you (your life, your decisions) but have a lawyer look at the insurance policy.

Most insurance policy will pay for suicides BUT ONLY after certain amount of time. It depends on the policy and can vary from 6 months to 2 years to NEVER. Any death rule a suicide before suicide exclusion period is over will not result in payment. Many states also allow clauses which can void policy if it is taken with the express purpose to collect upon suicide. Make sure you don't leave anything behind. Can your identity be traced to DU and thus your OP. Your death could literally be for nothing.

Second I would recommend some counseling. Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Lastly speaking of lawyers, if the other party blew through a stop sign and injured you (especially a company driver) have you attempted to sue them to collect for not just medical costs, but lost wages, pain & suffering, and punitive damages. Most injury lawyers will work on 30% commission. My wife and I was injured by someone running a red light and while our injuries (thankfully) were much less severe the amount we collected via lawsuit was more than enough to "make us whole" even with lawyers 30% cut.

[enough]

13. I second this. Insurance companies will find a way to NOT pay the policy after the fact.

If you must go down this road, make sure you have an IRONCLAD policy and understand all the possible loopholes.

So sorry about your situation.

[UndertheOcean]

10. Insurance does not pay up for a suicide , just a warning ...

[Catherina]

11. Dear wolfgangmo

My heart goes out to you. Please talk this over with your wife, your best friend. She's been there for you and doesn't deserve you making decisions that will affect her, on your own.

I entreat you as a woman not to do anything without having a heartfelt talk with her.

I wish I could help you and feel powerless with just a hug but it's a nice, long, tight hug my brother.



Cat

[OhioChick]

12. Most, if not all life insurance companies

Do not cover suicide anymore.

Have you checked into Medicaid?

Also....contact various doctors/surgeons regarding your condition/situation via email. You'd be surprised how many are eager to help.

[dixiegrrrrl]

15. Most life insurance will not pay in case of suicide. Just saying.

I have no idea where you are and what free health care resources are available for you.

This web site has a search map for free/low cost health clinics, perhaps you can hook up with a doc who knows how to get meds for you?

http://www.needymeds.org/free_clinics.taf

[TheCowsCameHome]

16. I find this distressing in so many ways

I can't to begin to find the words............

[Blue Owl]

17. Sounds like the plot of Breaking Bad

Start growing some ganja, my friend -- you can sell some to make money, you can use it for your own medicinal purposes, and it will help your depression.

Sure it's illegal, and you gotta be careful -- but look at the fucking corporations invading our government -- you tellin' me the shit they're doing is legal, lawful, and good for the planet?

Don't let your fate rest in the hands of the big business and insurance fuckwads who are selling everything out.

Take command of your own destiny. Or at least go down trying!

[joe black]

18. Find an attorney.

I would think the company that owned the vehicle would have to pay for everything you lost, health, job, etc. This just doesn't sound right at all. Someone has to be responsible for your huge losses. Some personal injury lawyers will take your case without money up front.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

19. me, too.

about 20 months ago, a drunk ran a red light at 60mph, finding me in her path. She was blowing a 0.198, almost three times the legal limit. The police were surprised that we survived the collision, given the amount of damage to our car. (her supersized SUV weighed 3 times as much as our car). On EDIT, of course the drunk was unhurt by the collision. She stumbled around giggling as the EMTs tried to remove my sweetie from the wreck. Yeah, big effing laugh.

I've had surgeries (multiple), a fractured leg, post surgical infections, and frankly, I lost count of the number of bottles of Vicodin I went through. Easily dozens. I am the proud owner of two huge bars in my lower back, plus the three long screws keeping them in place.

There hasn't been a day that has been pain free since the collision. not one. About a month ago, I forced myself to try walking without the cane, a five foot tall, hand turned beautiful hardwood, that always comes in handy with spasms, or sudden bouts of debilitating pain, or dealing with opposing counsel. It was tough at first, but I am still trying. I still have to stop walking, find something to lean against, and wait for the wave of pain to stop.

My sweetie fared hardly better. She was in a coma, and the worst thing that ever happened to me in this life was seeing her pulled out of the wreck on a backboard, unable to tell if she was still alive. I didn't find out until 6 hours later, and that was only because I demanded transport to the same ER.

I am self employed. If I don't work, I don't eat. I was unable to work for months, AND we had to hire folks to shop, cook, deal with the dogs, etc. I thought I would rejoice when the first cast came off, except the back pain was so huge and debilitating, that I could not function at all. Having both legs meant little when the "good" one was dragging on the floor when you walked. The spinal nerves were compressed and damaged, so I had constant weakness and numbness down one leg, plus the unremitting pain. What makes it worse is that my sweetie feels my pain, as well as her own, to this very day.

Vicodin does not stop pain. It only makes you not care that you hurt so much.

I am finally, at long last, getting back on track, and trying to pick up the pieces of my practice, but that damage might be permanent. your reputation is what you live on in my business. Luckily, most clients were very understanding. Most. Not all.

There are more than a few of us in the same boat. I will tell you the same thing I tell myself each fucking morning:
"GODDAMIT THIS FUCKING HURTS. GODDAMMIT, I AM NOT LETTING THIS STOP ME TODAY! GODDAMMIT." And with that I force myself to roll out of bed, and try to stand up. Each and every fucking morning. But, I will not let this stop me.
Just know that I am here for you, and I really, really REALLY understand. PM me and lets talk.

[Skinner]

21. wolfgangmo

We are very concerned about you. But the members of DU are not qualified to give you the help that you may need.

If you feel you are having a crisis, please call this toll-free number 1-800-784-2433 and they may be able to help you.

Please, take care of yourself.

Skinner
DU Admin